User Tag List

Page 113 of 170 FirstFirst ... 1363103111112113114115123163 ... LastLast
Results 1,121 to 1,130 of 1696

Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #1121
    reborn Array PeaceBaby's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    937 so/sx
    Posts
    6,297

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    PB, even other NFPs have explained to you why I am not receptive to your approach. We have very few conversations where you don't try to mentor me, but your comments seem personally driven rather than objective. You have loads of credibility for me in other areas, but not in this one. Yet you repeatedly and publicly hammer this point instead of giving some space and seeing if things change (and since the pattern has been reinforced for years, it will take lots of time for my perceptions to be replaced). You don't tend to look for neutral common ground first to relate, even though I know you have a heart of gold. I don't want to be mean or make you feel badly. Therefore, I generally don't interact a lot with you, as all roads always seem to lead back here. I already know you are hurt by my response. I'm already working on changing it, while not acting fake and insincere and maintaining the boundaries I need. Each time you reopen the topic, it undoes some of that and reinforces the reason I felt that way in the first place. Strong arming your way into my heart is not possible. However, I think you are smart, caring and very knowledgeable. I don't harbour any bad feeling toward you. In fact, outside of these discussions, I like you. I just don't feel enough on the same page as you to be besties, and I need you to respect that.
    I do not wish to mentor you or be "besties". Although I think you too seem nice and kindly and would likely enjoy meeting you irl.

    I'm simply using "us" at the moment as an illustration of one point on the spectrum of the very dynamic the thread discusses. You hold the power and have closed a door. (Not slammed, just closed.) I see this as for a reason that's really not been discussed yet. Now, you only have as much of my power as I give you. And I've given a fair bit away over time by approaching you in the manner you prefer etc. but am pulling mine back by again engaging you on a topic you do not wish to open. Your response is to strong-arm me actually, to hold the power card over my head and tell me you will not engage. You wish to dictate the terms of interaction. And project onto me a purpose for my actions that has the power to offend you yet I do not possess that perspective.

    Do you see how this is working? Can you detach for a bit and see I am using "us" as an example here?
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  2. #1122
    Senior Member Array yeghor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    2,433

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    My perception of the word doorslam is when you cut someone out of your life entirely without warning and with no communication after. Some people seem to habitually do this as a way of avoiding people that frustrate them or make them feel vulnerable. Some people will reintroduce someone back into their life after they have distanced themselves a bit from the situation, and some won't. In the context of this thread at least, that is what I believe it to mean.
    Other posters? Are we on the same page here?

  3. #1123
    Vulnerability Array Eilonwy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    4 sp/so
    Posts
    6,106

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Eilonwy, we make those decisions everyday. When I walk into a crowded room I could engage in conversation with anyone. I can't know where all the conversations could go. So I go on who looks interesting, who I get on with, who I could be of help to, who has knowledge that I need and so on.

    I have very little leisure time in my life. Therefore, the bit of time I have is time that I would like to be enjoyable and useful to me. We make decisions based on a variety of criteria about how we will spend our money. Why should it be any different with time?
    I get this, but it still feels to me that we are somehow just missing each other in our thinking. I can't tell you why that is at this time. I'll keep trying to work it out.

    Quote Originally Posted by yeghor View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    My perception of the word doorslam is when you cut someone out of your life entirely without warning and with no communication after. Some people seem to habitually do this as a way of avoiding people that frustrate them or make them feel vulnerable. Some people will reintroduce someone back into their life after they have distanced themselves a bit from the situation, and some won't. In the context of this thread at least, that is what I believe it to mean.
    Other posters? Are we on the same page here?
    Mostly. But, again, I feel that something is missing but I don't know how to describe what that is in a way that gets across. We are dancing around it but not quite hitting it.
    Johari / Nohari

    “That we are capable only of being what we are remains our unforgivable sin.” ― Gene Wolfe

    reminder to self: "That YOU that you are so proud of is a story woven together by your interpreter module to account for as much of your behavior as it can incorporate, and it denies or rationalizes the rest." "Who's in Charge? Free Will and the Science of the Brain" by Michael S. Gazzaniga

  4. #1124
    4x9 Array cascadeco's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Enneagram
    4 so/sp
    Posts
    6,831

    Default

    As a bystander not tied to any particular perspective in this thread, I think a lot can be summed up as relying very heavily on ones particular perspective, and the act of doing so sets up the resulting dynamic, 100%. It's self-fulfilling in a way, imo - for example, if someone thinks a conversation will be unproductive or pointless, it WILL be so. Does that make sense? If someone goes into something with that perception, that perception alone will determine how things will end up, nine times out of ten. As, this assumption has already been made. This will be conveyed in ones responses, in their demeanor, unconsciously or not, the other person will pick up on that, and yes, it will be unproductive. Because... how could it be otherwise?

    btw this extends way beyond interaction, it's a more general psychological thing I think, creating our own realities based on perceptions that may be flawed from the get-go.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

    My Photography and Watercolor Fine Art Prints!!! Cascade Colors Fine Art Prints
    https://docs.google.com/uc?export=do...Gd5N3NZZE52QjQ

  5. #1125
    wants Mifune clone minion Array Z Buck McFate's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    MBTI
    INfJ
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx/sp
    Posts
    3,271

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by yeghor View Post
    Are we talking about the same thing in regards to "doorslam"?

    What do you understand by the term "doorslam" in brief terms?

    I have begun to see it as when someone (often INFx) really can't handle dealing with some individual- the individual gets overbearing/demanding in some way (usually without even beginning to understand how they're being overbearing, or without knowing that they are causing distress), and so communication/interaction is discontinued/cut off. While I personally only consider it worthwhile to use the term "doorslam" if the parties were close to begin with, I don't know, it looks like opinions on that might differ.

    Sometimes it's laziness on the doorslammer's part- they don't feel obligated to do the work of figuring out how to articulate the problem, and "doorslam" cavalierly to avoid feeling any distress. Other doorslammers can wait far too long- out of feeling more loyalty/obligation to others than is good for them- and they get stuck on a sort of hamster wheel where resources are constantly being drained revolving around the problem individual until finally the doorslammer realizes there's probably no end in sight so ties are cut.

    And then everyone involved goes online to talk about it, bringing their emotional baggage of the experience to this thread. A good time is had by all.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

    5w4 sx/sp Johari / Nohari

  6. #1126
    FRACTALICIOUS Array phobik's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    6,923

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    As a bystander not tied to any particular perspective in this thread, I think a lot can be summed up as relying very heavily on ones particular perspective, and the act of doing so sets up the resulting dynamic, 100%. It's self-fulfilling in a way, imo - for example, if someone thinks a conversation will be unproductive or pointless, it WILL be so. Does that make sense? If someone goes into something with that perception, that perception alone will determine how things will end up, nine times out of ten. As, this assumption has already been made. This will be conveyed in ones responses, in their demeanor, unconsciously or not, the other person will pick up on that, and yes, it will be unproductive. Because... how could it be otherwise?

    btw this extends way beyond interaction, it's a more general psychological thing I think, creating our own realities based on perceptions that may be flawed from the get-go.
    Excellent reasoning, well done, exceptthe minor detail that

    To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
    ~ Elbert Hubbard

    Music provides one of the clearest examples of a much deeper relation between mathematics and human experience.

  7. #1127
    Senior Member Array yeghor's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    2,433

    Default

    "My perception of the word doorslam is when you cut someone out of your life entirely without warning and with no communication after."

    So there are 2 parties...A and B...

    Doorslam = B ends the relationship with A without any heads-up (prior dialogue?) and refuses A's prospective attempts to initiate contact...

    So please in as brief and simple terms as possible:

    a) What part(s) of this definition is causing the problem?

    b) Modify the definition to represent the ideal/proper way to handle the relationship...

    c) Under what conditions would the original "doorslam" approach be acceptable?

  8. #1128
    Vulnerability Array Eilonwy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    4 sp/so
    Posts
    6,106

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    I do not wish to mentor you or be "besties". Although I think you too seem nice and kindly and would likely enjoy meeting you irl.

    I'm simply using "us" at the moment as an illustration of one point on the spectrum of the very dynamic the thread discusses. You hold the power and have closed a door. (Not slammed, just closed.) I see this as for a reason that's really not been discussed yet. Now, you only have as much of my power as I give you. And I've given a fair bit away over time by approaching you in the manner you prefer etc. but am pulling mine back by again engaging you on a topic you do not wish to open. Your response is to strong-arm me actually, to hold the power card over my head and tell me you will not engage. You wish to dictate the terms of interaction. And project onto me a purpose for my actions that has the power to offend you yet I do not possess that perspective.

    Do you see how this is working? Can you detach for a bit and see I am using "us" as an example here?
    I can understand what you're saying, but, honestly, I still don't seem to be able to grasp the concept completely. I still want to Ti it to death, so that says to me that I'm missing a piece that would lead to it clicking or to an "aha" moment. Or, perhaps I just need to analyze it more in order for it to click. But then, I still kind of, sort of, want to Ti the doorslam concept, though I seem to be closer in my head to the "aha".

    Back to introspecting.


    ETA: I can see the situation you're describing. What's not clicking for me, I think, is that I still don't completely see it from your pov. I'm still stuck in my own in some way. It's like those old stereograms. I'm staring at the pattern, and I am just starting to focus in a way that I can see the 3D part of it pop out, but I can't keep that focus long enough to have access to it whenever I look at the picture. (the first stereogram that I linked to is a deer and a fawn, I think, but it's not completely clear to me either)
    Johari / Nohari

    “That we are capable only of being what we are remains our unforgivable sin.” ― Gene Wolfe

    reminder to self: "That YOU that you are so proud of is a story woven together by your interpreter module to account for as much of your behavior as it can incorporate, and it denies or rationalizes the rest." "Who's in Charge? Free Will and the Science of the Brain" by Michael S. Gazzaniga

  9. #1129

    Default

    I had something like that happen with an unhealthy INFJ peer once, originally, we got along, but eventually things went downhill and our personalities just started to clash. Even if I just randomly run into the INFJ, it's still the same walking by looking friendly, then walking by looking p.o'd attempts to get their way as before, it's not that I never missed some people from the past, it's just that I'd realized my intellect was reaching more of it's potential once I'd realized controlling people who used excessive guilt like wanting me to bend over backwards to prove that I was intelligent enough to not be amused by some things and also to prove that I wasn't one of 'those girls' because I was moderate looking even though every last feature on my body wasn't perfect weren't worth my time.

  10. #1130
    Senior Member Array Ene's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Enneagram
    9w8
    Posts
    3,551

    Default

    Hi, new to this thread or so I think. I may have responded once upon a time, but I want to add what I preceive doorslamming to be.

    To me, it would be as fidelia said, a person cuts you out of their life without prior warning and without possible reconciliation. I have truly doorslammed only once in my life, and it was because I was being stalked and threatened.

    However, I have had people doorslam me more than once. It is a horrible feeling that leaves you wondering what on earth is wrong with you and guessing where you went wrong. I am not a doorslammer. There have been times when I have quietly walked away but if the person called me or wrote me or came by to visit, I was fine with that and the only reason I walked away is because I thought that maybe my presence didn't matter to them. Sadly, in a couple of situations, I was right. I never locked the door, never slammed it, so to speak. I just closed it and left it ajar with a light on, but sadly the people never cared to even come up on the porch.
    A student said to his master: "You teach me fighting, but you talk about peace. How do you reconcile the two?" The master replied: "It is better to be a warrior in a garden than to be a gardener in a war." - unknown/Chinese

    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...=61024&page=14

Similar Threads

  1. When any type other than INFJ doorslams you/cuts you out of their life
    By SilkRoad in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 46
    Last Post: 02-03-2014, 11:26 PM
  2. [INFJ] INFJ Daily Life: Plans, Strangers,etc?
    By plaminal in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 11-13-2011, 12:13 AM
  3. [MBTItm] INFJ negotiating mid-life
    By Immaculate Cloud in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 03-21-2009, 09:04 PM
  4. [INFJ] INFJ, inner life a little too rich?
    By littledarling in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 36
    Last Post: 02-18-2009, 02:23 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •