User Tag List

First 9101112132161111 Last

Results 101 to 110 of 1696

  1. #101
    Crazy Diamond Billy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    1,196

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Vasilisa View Post
    Hi StarryKnights. Sorry about this sad series of events that have happened to you. I think it is beautiful that you forgive your friend and think he is special enough to let back into your life. As a doorslammin' prone INFJ, that is remarkable to me.

    If your INFJ friend is like me, I see a possibility that he feels burdened, not only by what he allowed to transpire, but the prospect of your expectations (or what he perceives them to be). This is difficult for me to explain, but sometimes I feel so burdened by what I think I ought to be providing to people and my own failure to do it right that I freeze and just withdraw. Its strange and it happens over things that are quite small. Thought process: "Oh, I neglected to send someone that correspondence that I meant to send, well, now its too late, I've screwed up and its so shameful and rather than make some pathetic excuse which they will reject, I won't write them, they probably don't think of me anyway" Sadly, I think it is my perfectionist tendency manifesting in a unhealthy way. So, if your INFJ friend is coming from this same frame of mind, I think you have the right idea on how to reach him. I'm not sure how you have reached out thus far, but the "let bygones be bygones" approach might do the trick. I would let him know how much he means to you. Not sure why, but sometimes we have a weak concept of how much we mean to others. If you could let him know that and then carry on as things were before, without any heavy melodrama or drawn out confrontation, he might come around. Then maybe in time he will be able to give you the apology you deserve. In a way it is a bit like coaxing a shy animal. If you have the patience and love to do all this, bless you, you are an amazing friend.
    Well said, I personally think that most if not all INFJs just want to feel that we are worth the effort of trying hard to get to us, we want to be found even when we dont want to be found.

    My advice to her would be to keep trying. Hang in there.
    Ground control to Major Tom

  2. #102
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    7w8
    Posts
    949

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by StarryKnights View Post
    I’ve experienced a ‘different kind’ of INFJ doorslam. Or at least a version that I haven’t found ‎an example of anywhere.‎

    My INFJ doorslammed me for something he thought I did (but didn’t do). And since I knew the ‎truth would eventually come out I just waited. Yet when I could tell from his behavior that he ‎finally ‘got’ that I was innocent…nothing really changed.‎

    In other words, I’m still shut-out…it is now in just a ‘less aggressive way’... I understand he is embarrassed and ashamed…and believe me…I was pissed. But I’m ENFP. I ‎honestly can’t be pissed for all that long.

    I’ve tried to reach out to him…and nothing – no response.
    StarryKnights, I'm so glad you posted this. I've had a similar situation with a male INFJ I know. He was in the wrong. But when this came to light, he didn't re-initiate contact which completely baffles me.

    I was so hurt by his doorslamming. It took me a long time to get the courage to risk making very subtle (and perhaps some not-so-subtle) overtures. Nothing. Absolutely nothing from him... which makes no sense to me.

  3. #103
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    7w8
    Posts
    949

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Vasilisa View Post
    I see a possibility that [your INFJ] feels burdened, not only by what he allowed to transpire, but the prospect of your expectations (or what he perceives them to be). This is difficult for me to explain, but sometimes I feel so burdened by what I think I ought to be providing to people and my own failure to do it right that I freeze and just withdraw. Its strange and it happens over things that are quite small. Thought process: "Oh, I neglected to send someone that correspondence that I meant to send, well, now its too late, I've screwed up and its so shameful and rather than make some pathetic excuse which they will reject, I won't write them, they probably don't think of me anyway" So,

    If you could let him know that and then carry on as things were before, without any heavy melodrama or drawn out confrontation, he might come around. Then maybe in time he will be able to give you the apology you deserve. In a way it is a bit like coaxing a shy animal. If you have the patience and love to do all this, bless you, you are an amazing friend.
    Vasilisa, this is very insightful, and makes me think of my male INFJ friend... well, I guess he's not a friend anymore. I wish I had heard these words 18 months ago when all my drama with him went down. <Sigh.>

    I still would like to be friends with my INFJ. I see so much potential for a wonderful friendship there. But so much time has passed. I feel like it's best to wait until circumstance throw us together. And, when they do, I'll remember your words here. I am still heartbroken when I think that this miscommunication hindered what could have been a great, great, great friendship.

  4. #104
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    MBTI
    INfJ
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx/sp
    Posts
    3,432

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Vasilisa View Post
    I would let him know how much he means to you. Not sure why, but sometimes we have a weak concept of how much we mean to others. If you could let him know that and then carry on as things were before, without any heavy melodrama or drawn out confrontation, he might come around. Then maybe in time he will be able to give you the apology you deserve. In a way it is a bit like coaxing a shy animal. If you have the patience and love to do all this, bless you, you are an amazing friend.

    Quote Originally Posted by StarryKnights View Post
    I understand he is embarrassed and ashamed…and believe me…I was pissed. But I’m ENFP. I ‎honestly can’t be pissed for all that long. ‎ ‎
    Something I’ve noticed about myself and a few other Js is that it can be really difficult for us to shift dynamics with someone according to new information. I think this might be particularly true of INFJs. Since our praxis of thought is far more in our heads than in the present moment (constantly taking into account past experiences of a person, as well as the individualized potential we’ve constructed about that person), it takes a while for information derived from the present moment to get incorporated into how we feel about him/her. We can be certain of it 'logically', but for some reason it doesn't quite seep into our feeling right away. And when the new information strongly contradicts what we thought we knew (especially if the person is/was close to us), it can take awhile to adequately process. So I think what Vasilisa wrote is really sound advice: let him know he’s important and carry on as things were before, without any heavy melodrama or drawn out confrontation. Any melodrama or drawn out confrontation just hinders the process because it’s throwing more information to process onto an already full ‘inbox’.

    I also think Vasilisa’s point about having a weak concept of how much we mean to others is a good one. In the past, I’ve ended up avoiding certain people simply because they gave me too much contradictory information to process and it didn’t seem like it would be worth the effort it would take to get back on the same page with them. But if I’m told it’s important to the other person- that's often all the encouragment I need for it to become important to me as well.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

    5w4 sx/sp Johari / Nohari

  5. #105

    Default

    Hello, my lovely INFJs (and others)!!

    Can I ask for advice, too?

    I met my INFJ, who is in his 40s, in a composition class year. He wooed me, and asked me to be his one and only, and so I was for 7 months. We picked flowers and played piano duets. About halfway into the relationship, I had to move across the country for grad school, but we agreed a long-distance relationship was worth it.

    We broke up a few days before Valentine's Day. He did it via e-mail. There were various factors - and it was precipitated by an intense argument - but he stated his main reason was that he couldn't handle the stress of high expectations. Then, like a mist he dissipated, invisible to contact of any kind.



    I wrote to him in April. It wasn't fair to abandon a friendship, I told him. He replied with a strange request: Tell me why you want to be my friend?

    It felt like a test, or a job interview, or a riddle with only one answer. In the middle of my pondering, he sent me another e-mail with all the reasons we shouldn't be friends, but I tried to answer the riddle anyway. His responded by saying he "did not want to strive for friendship."

    He hasn't responded to anything since that day. The door has been deadbolted.




    Here is what troubles me, and perhaps baffles other types as well. Just when I understand how to make our friendship better - because he tells me what I did wrong - he disappears. I want to show him I care, and that I understand him, but how do I do that for a disappeared person? Is there really nothing I can do? I want to take responsibility. I want to make things better! sigh.

    I'm going home for the summer, and I hear he'll be taking the same class I planned on taking. This prospect buoys and daunts me.

    I dream of talking to him again - I miss his friendship so much. But would an approach be seen as disrespectful? I'm such a ball of confusion. This is one of those cases where "put yourself in their shoes" doesn't work. The ways that I would like to be cared seem to be, time after time, totally wrong.

  6. #106
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    MBTI
    INFP
    Posts
    256

    Default

    [QUOTE=Z Buck McFate;1175932]Something I’ve noticed about myself and a few other Js is that it can be really difficult for us to shift dynamics with someone according to new information. I think this might be particularly true of INFJs. Since our praxis of thought is far more in our heads than in the present moment (constantly taking into account past experiences of a person, as well as the individualized potential we’ve constructed about that person), it takes a while for information derived from the present moment to get incorporated into how we feel about him/her. We can be certain of it 'logically', but for some reason it doesn't quite seep into our feeling right away. And when the new information strongly contradicts what we thought we knew (especially if the person is/was close to us), it can take awhile to adequately process. So I think what Vasilisa wrote is really sound advice: let him know he’s important and carry on as things were before, without any heavy melodrama or drawn out confrontation. Any melodrama or drawn out confrontation just hinders the process because it’s throwing more information to process onto an already full ‘inbox’.

    I also think Vasilisa’s point about having a weak concept of how much we mean to others is a good one. In the past, I’ve ended up avoiding certain people simply because they gave me too much contradictory information to process and it didn’t seem like it would be worth the effort it would take to get back on the same page with them. But if I’m told it’s important to the other person- that's often all the encouragment I need for it to become important to me as well.[/
    QUOTE]

    I agree with Vasilisa here as well, and am thinking about the difference between J and P in this regard. With a good friend (we are both Ps), we found ourselves in a situation that could have caused a serious rift in our friendship had there been confrontation. Instead he carried on as before and so did I. I remembered our friendship, all that we have given each other, and assumed he felt the same. I felt he and I would just forgive and forget over time (it was just one incident) and that's what happened. Because we are both Ps I feel we were comfortable having patience with one another and trusting that time and new information would shed a different light on things. Neither of us have a need for closure so that helped.

  7. #107
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Enneagram
    4 so/sp
    Posts
    6,941

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by flylittlefeather View Post
    I wrote to him in April. It wasn't fair to abandon a friendship, I told him. He replied with a strange request: Tell me why you want to be my friend?

    It felt like a test, or a job interview, or a riddle with only one answer. In the middle of my pondering, he sent me another e-mail with all the reasons we shouldn't be friends, but I tried to answer the riddle anyway. His responded by saying he "did not want to strive for friendship."

    He hasn't responded to anything since that day. The door has been deadbolted.

    Here is what troubles me, and perhaps baffles other types as well. Just when I understand how to make our friendship better - because he tells me what I did wrong - he disappears. I want to show him I care, and that I understand him, but how do I do that for a disappeared person? Is there really nothing I can do? I want to take responsibility. I want to make things better! sigh.
    If you were previously in a romantic relationship, and that ended, that complicates things - it's not as cut and dry as just getting doorslammed. It seems he does not desire to transition into a friendship, or doesn't believe it is possible. Kind of what I wrote earlier, I have pretty black and white designations of my relationships - friend, romance, etc. I've never successfully had a Romance turn into a Friend, although I have tried.

    To be honest, once romances have ended, I'm not one of those people who can really remain friends afterwards. I completely want to move on -- I do not want any vestige of an emotional attachment remaining. Even if we had been super close, and if I do miss the companionship, for me to continue on as friends is simply painful, even if I know there's no longterm compatibility. It just keeps me kinda stuck in the past. I dunno, I can't articulate this very well. Bottom line, the only way for me to really move on is to throw them out completely. I really can't be friends, nor have I ever believed, in the end, that male/female friendships are entirely possible or easy, esp. if both are single -- one almost always secretly desires more.

    I dream of talking to him again - I miss his friendship so much. But would an approach be seen as disrespectful? I'm such a ball of confusion. This is one of those cases where "put yourself in their shoes" doesn't work. The ways that I would like to be cared seem to be, time after time, totally wrong.
    I can empathize with your missing the friendship, and him, a lot. But, that's just your view of things. While he may miss elements of your relationship, it doesn't seem he wants to continue having you in his life, and has made that pretty clear - he told you didn't want to strive for a friendship. That's your answer. Until and unless he opens that door again, it sounds like he's made his decision, as much as I know it's not the decision you're wanting.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

    My Photography and Watercolor Fine Art Prints!!! Cascade Colors Fine Art Prints
    https://docs.google.com/uc?export=do...Gd5N3NZZE52QjQ

  8. #108
    Senior Member Quiet's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    5
    Posts
    321

    Default

    Flylittlefeather, there are some things that INFJ's can't tollerate, one of them being the thought of someone feeling hurt by something that we deep down feel responsible for. Its possible he feels a friendship would likely be hard for you. If he wrote you a list of things he felt you did wrong, he probably has formed a decision about you by analyzing your choices of thought, word or deed. This is where it's at for him now, and he probably feels unhappy in his own way, but knows that cutting ties is for the best. Sad as it may seem, (and I don't know the details obviousely) he's probbably right with his decision. I'm going to speak for myself when I say this as I'm going to share this from personal experience, it sounds similar to a brief relationship I had with an INFP once. There was distance involved, and despite how well we got on, when I started noticing little things that bothered me about him, I slowly backed away. And that was it. He was very hurt and angry and I felt aweful. He wanted to know what he did wrong, but I had already dropped hints about my feeling I needed my space due to being a strong introvert. This stressed him out and I began to feel guilty but I wasn't able or willing to have constant interraction in some form, like he needed to have with me. He wanted to be friends, but I sensed he would be a "sad" friend, and I'd know why he was sad. In short, he texted me finally telling me I "had to grow up and learn to communicate like an f**cking adult" and that was it! I'm not suggesting you've done anything like this, I'm just trying to explain that once we have determined something isn't good in the view of the big picture, then that is it. Please try not to take his behavior to heart, it is only a reflection of him, not of you. I hope my post didn't make you feel worse, just more clear.
    "What's Taters, Precious?" --- Gollum.

    "Bring your pretty face, to my axe". --- Gimly.

  9. #109
    Banned
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5
    Posts
    3,278

    Default

    This song belongs to INFJs and the people they door slam..

    How do I know? I blame my Ne and Ni

    The Cave

    It's empty in the valley of your heart
    The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
    Away from all the fears
    And all the faults you've left behind

    The harvest left no food for you to eat
    You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
    But I have seen the same
    I know the shame in your defeat

    But I will hold on hope
    And I won't let you choke
    On that noose around your neck
    And I'll find strength in pain
    And I will change my ways
    I'll know my name as it's called again

    Cause I have other things to fill my time
    You take what is yours and I'll take mine
    Now let me at the truth
    Which will refresh my broken mind

    So tie me to a post and block my ears
    I can see widows and orphans through my tears
    I know my call despite my faults
    And despite my growing fears

    But I will hold on hope
    And I won't let you choke
    On that noose around your neck
    And I'll find strength in pain
    And I will change my ways
    I'll know my name as it's called again

    So come out of your cave walking on your hands
    And see the world hanging upside down
    You can understand dependence
    When you know the maker's land

    So make your siren call
    And sing all you want
    I will not hear what you have to say

    Cause I need freedom now
    And I need to know how
    To live my life as it's meant to be

    And I will hold on hope
    And I won't let you choke
    On that noose around your neck
    And I'll find strength in pain
    And I will change my ways
    I'll know my name as it's called again

  10. #110
    in-game Gamine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Enneagram
    3w2
    Posts
    815

    Default

    Just wanted to shout out to you beautiful people, this thread has been really helpful to me. So, THANK YOU!
    "Beware Those Who Are ALWAYS READING BOOKS" - Bukowski

Quick Reply Quick Reply

  • :hi:
  • :bye:
  • :)
  • :hug:
  • :happy2:
  • :smile:
  • :wubbie:
  • :D
  • :wink:
  • ;)
  • :newwink:
  • :(
  • :cry:
  • :mad:
  • :dry:
  • :doh:
  • :huh:
  • :shock:
  • :shrug:
  • :blush:

Similar Threads

  1. When any type other than INFJ doorslams you/cuts you out of their life
    By SilkRoad in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 46
    Last Post: 02-03-2014, 11:26 PM
  2. [INFJ] INFJ Daily Life: Plans, Strangers,etc?
    By plaminal in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 11-13-2011, 12:13 AM
  3. [MBTItm] INFJ negotiating mid-life
    By Immaculate Cloud in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 03-21-2009, 09:04 PM
  4. [INFJ] INFJ, inner life a little too rich?
    By littledarling in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 36
    Last Post: 02-18-2009, 02:23 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO