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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #91
    Senior Member Array the state i am in's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by candylandjoe View Post
    Is it common for infjs to act in such a way?

    It definitely felt like out of balance friendship in a way, but also strangely comforting in its unusualness, as neither of us really knew what we were doing. We would ask each other if we were crazy or paranoid or above all pretty frequently. To me, walking around with her made me feel like I was the only guy in town and her the only girl, like everyone else partying around us were the dead ones just there for us like we were walking through a museum of the future. I felt like we had a shared understanding of basic philosophical principals, that life isn't just about living but taking in experiences, dissecting them to their basic atoms, taking that knowledge to make a impact without seeking anything in return, a step beyond simple compromise.
    i wouldn't say common, but it happens. i'm guessing she's an sx/sp. our attention can be very complete and engrossing. but we're not that good at hearing the whole social wavelength, so we might misread situations very badly. sx people--we're much more used to hearing what we want rather than listening to what others are saying to us. this is especially true of sx/sp, which is either wanting or withdrawing.

    in other words, something can feel like a violation to us (because we are so focused on what we want/need/deserve) when in reality we are just making unreasonable demands and need to fucking grow up and take responsibility for ourselves. i know i've needed very sensitive guidance to help me see this, because the feedback doesn't mean that much/can be rejected as hostile or wrong unless the person has won your trust.

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    Hello All,‎

    It’s strange. I’ve been reading here for so long (attempting to understand an INFJ friend’s ‎behavior) that I feel I know some of you. This is, however, my first post.‎
    And I’m quite sure I’m doing this incorrectly. I’m sure I should be introducing myself first ‎somewhere – in some other part of the forum. But I feel a little pressed for time.‎

    In other words, this thread became active again and I should quickly ask about my situation ‎while others may still be interested in responding.‎

    I’ve experienced a ‘different kind’ of INFJ doorslam. Or at least a version that I haven’t found ‎an example of anywhere.‎

    My INFJ doorslammed me for something he thought I did (but didn’t do). And since I knew the ‎truth would eventually come out I just waited. Yet when I could tell from his behavior that he ‎finally ‘got’ that I was innocent…nothing really changed.‎

    In other words, I’m still shut-out…it is now in just a ‘less aggressive way’. I actually don’t ‎know how to describe what I’m experiencing…and it is late in my little corner of the world.‎

    I understand he is embarrassed and ashamed…and believe me…I was pissed. But I’m ENFP. I ‎honestly can’t be pissed for all that long. And we are all humans…we are going to screw up and ‎hurt the ones we love.‎

    I’ve tried to reach out to him…and nothing – no response. I just keep wondering…am I going to ‎lose one of individuals I treasure most in this world because he is embarrassed about his ‎behavior?‎
    Should I be doing something else to get him to ‘let go’ of all of this pain and get back to being ‎friends? I would be so grateful for any advice. Thank you all so much.‎


    ‎ ‎
    Last edited by Starry; 05-22-2010 at 02:20 AM. Reason: whoa - typing when super tired

  3. #93
    Senior Member Array Quiet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I think some young INFJs tend to doorslam as a way of avoiding actually dealing with conflict or dealing with something painful (in this case the bleeding wrist thing and what it might mean). This is terribly unproductive. The friends request several months later probably is a result of her continuing to mull over her behaviour and decide that you actually cared and had her best interests at heart.

    I think all you can do is make sure that someone like that knows that you care very much for them and that you will be there without judgement. I think one of the biggest fears of some INFJs is that people will judge them based on insufficient information and they cannot deal with being unfairly rejected. You may have noticed that INFJs often have different levels of disclosure depending on who they are dealing with (and therefore they may appear very differently to people). If they feel they've let someone in too far and the person has either displayed signs of untrustworthiness (or in this case the INFJ is scared that they know too much and it is uncomfortable), they may move them back a couple of notches. I think this is what she did in a much more tangible level, until she could bear to talk about it more with you. If you are able to see right into her emotions and thoughts before she is ready to talk about them, it's possible that she only will want you around in fits and starts. That's not particularly conducive to a friendship, but I think over time as you prove your trustworthiness, that will happen less. Just be there, don't get too upset and make sure she knows you care for her. Then go on with life till she's ready to come back and talk.

    That's my 2 cents anyway!
    This is totally true.

    In some cases, it's just a question of too much stress going on in life, and we need absolute peace and quiet to manage our difficult times. Even friendly interractions might not be possible, and we INFJ's feel guilty and uncomfortable even more so, if we have to put on faulse pretenses just to touch base. We would rather just get our stuff over with, then get back to friendships when we're able. But, usually we will drop you little "hello's" along the way (Fe) is possible.
    "What's Taters, Precious?" --- Gollum.

    "Bring your pretty face, to my axe". --- Gimly.

  4. #94
    Symbolic Herald Array Vasilisa's Avatar
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    Hi StarryKnights. Sorry about this sad series of events that have happened to you. I think it is beautiful that you forgive your friend and think he is special enough to let back into your life. As a doorslammin' prone INFJ, that is remarkable to me.

    If your INFJ friend is like me, I see a possibility that he feels burdened, not only by what he allowed to transpire, but the prospect of your expectations (or what he perceives them to be). This is difficult for me to explain, but sometimes I feel so burdened by what I think I ought to be providing to people and my own failure to do it right that I freeze and just withdraw. Its strange and it happens over things that are quite small. Thought process: "Oh, I neglected to send someone that correspondence that I meant to send, well, now its too late, I've screwed up and its so shameful and rather than make some pathetic excuse which they will reject, I won't write them, they probably don't think of me anyway" Sadly, I think it is my perfectionist tendency manifesting in a unhealthy way. So, if your INFJ friend is coming from this same frame of mind, I think you have the right idea on how to reach him. I'm not sure how you have reached out thus far, but the "let bygones be bygones" approach might do the trick. I would let him know how much he means to you. Not sure why, but sometimes we have a weak concept of how much we mean to others. If you could let him know that and then carry on as things were before, without any heavy melodrama or drawn out confrontation, he might come around. Then maybe in time he will be able to give you the apology you deserve. In a way it is a bit like coaxing a shy animal. If you have the patience and love to do all this, bless you, you are an amazing friend.
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    Hi StarryKnights, hope to be some sort of help on this one. Once I make a decision, I don't like to go back on it. I feel like it's weak and fickle. Of course, it doesn't make sense to feel that way if you're wrong to begin with, but those feelings happen anyway. And it takes some sort of wall-breaking event to get things back to normal, like having a several beers together or something... but it sounds like your INFJ's wall is still there. Once it comes down, I think things will be so much better. Getting it to come down really does need some sort of "event" though.

    I've shut a few people out permanently in the past, and I still feel guilty. Once it was unjust, and once it was well deserved. But I wouldn't be able to make things "normal" with either person very easily. Not impossible though under the right circumstances.

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    Senior Member Array Quiet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by StarryKnights View Post
    Hello All,‎

    It’s strange. I’ve been reading here for so long (attempting to understand an INFJ friend’s ‎behavior) that I feel I know some of you. This is, however, my first post.‎
    And I’m quite sure I’m doing this incorrectly. I’m sure I should be introducing myself first ‎somewhere – in some other part of the forum. But I feel a little pressed for time.‎

    In other words, this thread became active again and I should quickly ask about my situation ‎while others may still be interested in responding.‎

    I’ve experienced a ‘different kind’ of INFJ doorslam. Or at least a version that I haven’t found ‎an example of anywhere.‎

    My INFJ doorslammed me for something he thought I did (but didn’t do). And since I knew the ‎truth would eventually come out I just waited. Yet when I could tell from his behavior that he ‎finally ‘got’ that I was innocent…nothing really changed.‎

    In other words, I’m still shut-out…it is now in just a ‘less aggressive way’. I actually don’t ‎know how to describe what I’m experiencing…and it is late in my little corner of the world.‎

    I understand he is embarrassed and ashamed…and believe me…I was pissed. But I’m ENFP. I ‎honestly can’t be pissed for all that long. And we are all humans…we are going to screw up and ‎hurt the ones we love.‎

    I’ve tried to reach out to him…and nothing – no response. I just keep wondering…am I going to ‎lose one of individuals I treasure most in this world because he is embarrassed about his ‎behavior?‎
    Should I be doing something else to get him to ‘let go’ of all of this pain and get back to being ‎friends? I would be so grateful for any advice. Thank you all so much.‎


    ‎ ‎
    Give your friend some time to reflect. A couple of days maybe would be ok, then do a gentle check in without any pressure. Test the waters of his reaction, and let him know that he's still important and special to you. Don't display anything that will have him feeling fresh guilt, as it will overwealm him and despite it not sounding very fair, let things be on his terms and have this concept known without words, if that makes any sense.
    "What's Taters, Precious?" --- Gollum.

    "Bring your pretty face, to my axe". --- Gimly.

  7. #97
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vasilisa View Post
    Hi StarryKnights. Sorry about this sad series of events that have happened to you. I think it is beautiful that you forgive your friend and think he is special enough to let back into your life. As a doorslammin' prone INFJ, that is remarkable to me.

    If your INFJ friend is like me, I see a possibility that he feels burdened, not only by what he allowed to transpire, but the prospect of your expectations (or what he perceives them to be). This is difficult for me to explain, but sometimes I feel so burdened by what I think I ought to be providing to people and my own failure to do it right that I freeze and just withdraw. Its strange and it happens over things that are quite small. Thought process: "Oh, I neglected to send someone that correspondence that I meant to send, well, now its too late, I've screwed up and its so shameful and rather than make some pathetic excuse which they will reject, I won't write them, they probably don't think of me anyway" Sadly, I think it is my perfectionist tendency manifesting in a unhealthy way. So, if your INFJ friend is coming from this same frame of mind, I think you have the right idea on how to reach him. I'm not sure how you have reached out thus far, but the "let bygones be bygones" approach might do the trick. I would let him know how much he means to you. Not sure why, but sometimes we have a weak concept of how much we mean to others. If you could let him know that and then carry on as things were before, without any heavy melodrama or drawn out confrontation, he might come around. Then maybe in time he will be able to give you the apology you deserve. In a way it is a bit like coaxing a shy animal. If you have the patience and love to do all this, bless you, you are an amazing friend.
    Hello Vasilisa – thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my concerns.‎
    You are actually one of the individuals I referred to in my original message as I have turned to ‎the wisdom and insights you have provided in these threads many times in order to better ‎understand the INFJ in my life. There is elegance in the way you communicate that helps me ‎absorb ‘the message’ with great ease. I truly appreciate it as I’m sure so many others do.‎

    Forgiving my INFJ is actually easy in the sense that he is good to the core. I am having to ‎‎‘learn him’. I am having tap into my intuition more than I ever have in order to understand ‎all of what he doesn’t say (and when that fails I come here). Alright… sometimes he has ‎me wanting to pull my hair out. But in a strange way I can’t take credit for possessing an ‎ability to forgive him – that goes to him. I’m not sure if that makes any real sense - yet at ‎the same time I believe many others may feel the same way about their INFJ friends, ‎lovers, children, etc. It is not easy being so gentle in such a harsh world. And on occasion ‎there will be a behavior that reflects how seriously painful it can be (I’ve done my fair share ‎of doorslammin too). It is a relief to be friends with someone that I know would never ‎intentionally and/or consciously try to hurt me.‎

    I understood the first doorslam as need to protect himself from the pain of a perceived ‎disappointment. But no reason I could come up with myself, via the reading of countless ‎threads, ‘felt right’ when attempting to understand why he continues to keep me shut-‎out…until what you wrote. He really thinks he failed me and in that way feels he has failed ‎himself too. Which I am not making light of…but with regards to me it is crazy thinking. He ‎has not failed me in any way. Now if only I can find a way to express that without using the ‎word ‘crazy’

    I just wanted to say that I shut people out all the time merely because I am overwhelmed ‎with life and feel I’m starting to ‘slip-up and slide with regards to my friendship duties’. In ‎my past I didn’t make excuses…but rather outright lies (tall tales) to explain my ‎distance…as I was always so embarrassed and thought it would seem disgustingly self-‎absorbed and thus extremely hurtful to say ‘oh no, I just forgot to call you on your birthday ‎because I often cannot manage my feelings in this world.’ Huh? Anyway, I don’t have such ‎a pronounced perfectionist streak but I can completely relate to what you are saying in my ‎own way. I really feel this may be the missing link for me.‎

    Thank you so very much for writing. Thank you, thank you, thank you.‎

  8. #98
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    Quote Originally Posted by ElizaJane View Post
    Hi StarryKnights, hope to be some sort of help on this one. Once I make a decision, I don't like to go back on it. I feel like it's weak and fickle. Of course, it doesn't make sense to feel that way if you're wrong to begin with, but those feelings happen anyway. And it takes some sort of wall-breaking event to get things back to normal, like having a several beers together or something... but it sounds like your INFJ's wall is still there. Once it comes down, I think things will be so much better. Getting it to come down really does need some sort of "event" though.

    I've shut a few people out permanently in the past, and I still feel guilty. Once it was unjust, and once it was well deserved. But I wouldn't be able to make things "normal" with either person very easily. Not impossible though under the right circumstances.
    Hello ElizaJane! I love what you wrote. And I truly understand what you are saying and ‎feel it to be brilliant on your part to bring up the need to ‘clear the air’ with an event rather ‎than a long, boring, sometimes counterproductive discussion about ‘feelings’ (while ‎remaining mindful to use only ‘I’ language of course).‎

    I have to admit, though, I’m laughing to myself - which is actually really great! (please play along ‎with me). Eliza…do you know any ENFPs in real life?‎

    When I think of ‘wall-breaking’ event I think how beautiful that would work with an ‎INFJ…and say ISFJ, ISFP, INTJ, etc. possibly even ENFJ.‎

    As an ENFP…I often worry that every event my INFJ experiences with me is ‘wall-‎breaking’. ‎
    ‎(I usually don’t drink a bunch either as I am then not only prone to breaking walls ‎figuratively…but literally as well).‎

    Thank you so much for this response. I really needed to be uplifted and this made me very ‎happy. But it also gives me a lot to think about. As an ENFP, how can I gently take down a ‎wall (which will probably be experienced as wall breaking to him). ‎

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    Quote Originally Posted by Quiet View Post
    Give your friend some time to reflect. A couple of days maybe would be ok, then do a gentle check in without any pressure. Test the waters of his reaction, and let him know that he's still important and special to you. Don't display anything that will have him feeling fresh guilt, as it will overwealm him and despite it not sounding very fair, let things be on his terms and have this concept known without words, if that makes any sense.
    Thank you so much Quiet for this bit. It is scary having the feeling that one slight mistake and the relationship can take another terrible turn. I feel like a surgeon. Well, as ENFP, a surgeon that has had too much caffiene.

    I am just going to have to trust that he will surprise me

    I will remain very mindful of what you have written. I appreciate it so much.

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    yeah that was a really insightful post vasilisa.

    i relate to that perfectionism and being ashamed when i fail myself...like not get that gift i wanted to get because i couldn't find the absolute perfect thing. i have well intended thoughts all the time about sweet things i want to do and don't even do half of them because i can't do it perfect....and then they just never know i even wanted to.
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