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  1. #1
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    Default ESFP and ENFP Relationships

    Sorry if this has been asked before. I am fairly new and not familiar with thread etiquette so to say.

    Could you please share your experiences long term with ESFP and ENFP romantic relationships? I have been dating my ESFP boyfriend for a few months and things are coming along great. I enjoy his openness and contant confirmation. I like dating a Feeler and especially and extrovert. My last boyfriend was way too I (INTP i think) and we could never do anything sociable together and he could never talk about his feelings.

    It's fun to be very sociable now at this age, but it's scares me to think if he will be like this forever. When it's time to settle down with a family, I feel he may still want to put the same effort into his social life as opppose to transferring his concentration to family. Also, we are in the new dating honeymoon faze so it's easy to run off of that to be happy but I'm wondering how his lack of N will inhibit us in the future... Also, ESFPs aren't good at future planning and live for the now so struggle finishing college. I feel this limits are locations down the road because of lack of job options for him because he has no degree.. As an ENFP I hate being constrained to one place...
    What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    had a really great time with the esfps. used to be addicted to them cause they are so very fun! all those relationships ended horribly though. haha.

    in my experience, they make better friends than lovers. i was never appreciated for what i wanted to be appreciated for. they loved my enthusiasm and sense of humor, but placed less value on my depth and insight. we communicated so differently due to the N and because of that fought a lot. also, when it came down to it, we wanted different things. i know life is not always fun and games, but they HATED it when i mentioned this. i needed way more consistency than they did and got annoyed with how they assessed and prioritized their relationships. the esfps also wanted me to be a certain way, and i wasn't that way, so in many ways it was damaging to my identity and view of myself (not all their fault and may not be related to personality at all).

    in addition, i think the F-factor was also a landmine in our relationship. in some ways it was great... lots of affirmation and LOVE LOVE LOVE, buuuut... when we were both "off" there was no one to offer stability. my esfps loved to whine and complain (as much as i do) and that was difficult at times. i know for me, it's better to have a T to have some balance.

    at any rate, the esfps i dated were pretty self-absorbed and controlling. so, i can see how it might work with a healthy esfp as long as you are willing to sacrifice some of the N-conversation.

    there are many great things about them... easy to be around, pretty accepting, extravagant, super fun, generous... and yeah, social like crazy! i love being friends with them.

  3. #3
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceRobin View Post
    It's fun to be very sociable now at this age, but it's scares me to think if he will be like this forever. When it's time to settle down with a family, I feel he may still want to put the same effort into his social life as opppose to transferring his concentration to family. Also, we are in the new dating honeymoon faze so it's easy to run off of that to be happy but I'm wondering how his lack of N will inhibit us in the future... Also, ESFPs aren't good at future planning and live for the now so struggle finishing college. I feel this limits are locations down the road because of lack of job options for him because he has no degree.. As an ENFP I hate being constrained to one place...
    Don't know how old you are, but irrespective of type, I think it's best(after a reasonable amount of time getting to know someone) to either accept them as they are, or reject them early and realize that they're not for you.

    The men I know well who are ESFPs are still out partying at almost 30. Not as much as when we were younger, but close, and they want someone to enjoy doing such with them. A few of them are married and the others are looking to settle down. Apparently, ESFPs are statistically one of the most satisfied types in a marriage. Most of my long-time ESFP male friends have not graduated college, but they all have jobs that pay good money(mainly in sales).

    The book Just Your Type describes the ENFP/ESFP match as playful, fun, and easygoing.

    Some of the positives of this match that the book list are:
    High emotional connection
    Open
    Gentle and sentimental
    Often unconventional and irreverent
    Both feel safe sharing vulnerabilities
    Enjoy similar humor
    Opportunity for growth because there are enough positive similarities that should help bridge the gap between the differences

    The book says that ESFPs help ENFPs:
    Lighten up
    Enjoy and value the present moment
    Spend less time worrying about potential problems
    Pay closer attention to details

    And that ENFPs help their ESFPs:
    Look beyond the obvious to the potential implications of their actions
    Help them open up to new ideas
    Consider the future

    Problems they list(every pairing has problems):
    ESFP realistic/practical worldview vs ENFPs creative and imaginative one
    Sometimes these couples have trouble understanding each other because ENFPs are so future oriented and ESFPs are so present in the here and now.
    The ENFPs paired with ESFPs expressed some dissatisfaction with the way some of their ideas were(not) received by their ESFPs and how disinterested their ESFPs were in discussing the future
    Both types are sensitive to criticism, and have a tendency to hold back their feelings when they're upset
    Can get overextended in their social lives
    Neither is all that interested in planning and order

    Tips
    from the book for an ENFP with an ESFP:
    Be patient with their impulsivity
    Be willing to try some of the physically adventurous things they may be interested in
    Work hard to be careful about facts and details
    Give them plenty of physical affection
    Try not to rush through explanations and watch your generalizations
    Be patient with their attempts to understand your theories
    Let them know when you're changing subjects/topics of conversation

    I also thought this was interesting. The ESFPs studied said they most valued(in a relationship):
    Being listened to
    Having fun together
    Mutual commitment
    Fidelity
    Shared values
    Humor
    Mutual support


    ENFPs most valued:
    Being listened to
    Mutual commitment
    Intimacy
    Fidelity
    Having fun together
    Mutual support
    Humor
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

  4. #4
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    Thank you both so much for your input! I am loving the love, love, love and openness and fun, but I don't know if he'll ever care about the deeper things I care about, like changing the world by helping people.. That is N, right?

    He would rather waste time having fun.. I consider it a way to relax sometimes but I think he considers it the purpose of life. Am I being selfish by staying with him even though I think I will eventually break up with him? Everything is fine now because I know I'm not looking for something too serious right now because I may move out of the country soon for grad school or to teach english abroad. In the meantime, I really enjoy the companionship. We do lots of fun stuff together and most of my friends have bf's so it makes things so much easier when we want to hang out and do couples stuff.

    Sometimes though, when I do some hard thinking, I get so anxious about being kind of fake about my feelings that I want to literally throw up.. He said I love you soooo fast and I reciprocated a few weeks later because I felt bad not saying it. I do love him NOW, but I'm not loving him completely because I don't think he's the one, ya know?
    What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    Sometimes though, when I do some hard thinking, I get so anxious about being kind of fake about my feelings that I want to literally throw up.. He said I love you soooo fast and I reciprocated a few weeks later because I felt bad not saying it. I do love him NOW, but I'm not loving him completely because I don't think he's the one, ya know?
    sounds familiar. he said "i love you" and i said "thank you," but then i felt bad, so i reciprocated a few days later... and then i felt bad cause i had done it out of pressure... ridiculous. hahaha.

    I do love him NOW, but I'm not loving him completely because I don't think he's the one, ya know?
    yeah, that makes sense. i think it's fine. just don't lose yourself or compromise who you are. i would be careful that you stick with how you're feeling instead of how he is projecting you to feel or how you feel like you SHOULD feel. with the esfps i dated, i was totally in the upperhand position for forever (cause i figured they weren't "the one"), but then what with all their pressuring me (and control) i sort of changed my mind halfway through, stopped being true to myself, and then i was the one who was burned in the end. wish i had stayed true to what i had known in the beginning and guarded myself instead of giving into what they wanted.

  6. #6
    Senior Member bighairything's Avatar
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    This is an odd one as far as I'm concerned. I've had a few close female (I'm male) ESFP friends in my life, and despite the fact they've been hot, I've never crushed on them. Always saw them as partners in crime rather than potential love interests. It's odd because it's not that I don't go for similar types -- the most significant love interests in my life have been other ENFPs! Perhaps it's that with my ESFP friends we've shared a certain kind of craziness, but that I was able to apply the brakes when needed and (as it appeared to me) they weren't, and I found that just a bit scary.

  7. #7
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    Ive been with my ESFP on and off for about 8 years now. We met when I was 25 and he was 27. The first few years where tough. It used to bother me that I couldn't talk to him about my grand plans to fix the world but with time I've realized that I can get that sort of fulfillment elsewhere. Friends and family keep me quite busy talking about all me aspirations.

    I love that he keeps me grounded and has helped me appreciate the present. I'm always walking around with my head in the clouds looking so much towards the future I never stopped to smell the roses and just appreciate what was going on around me. He grounds me, he's my rock. In turn I know I've helped him realize that his actions have consequences and to consider the ramifications of what his choices are. He used to be so set in the present he never thought about how it would hurt me.

    I know that his fear of commitment and my need to keep my options open caused a lot of conflict through the years when we where more immature. Now that we're approaching our mid 30s we've both really helped eachother grow and now we're ready to settle down. I would get cold feet and run away and date other people. He wouldn't want to commit because it would require to much future planning. These things fade with age if you try to develope the intuitive in your esfp and the sensing in the enfp. It's not easy though. But every type has their problems.

    I love how he makes me feel loved, even if I have to tell him to express it in words as well. I love how social he is and how responsible he is. He's a great person. And I'm looking forward to a lifetime with my ESFP.

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