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  1. #31
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    It used to frustrate me horribly when try as hard as I could I couldn't keep a conversation going. Then I found the FourTypes Sorter in the back of Please Understand Me II. Question 2, "I feel best about myself when...." NTs, SPs and SJs all had things that make them feel best that don't necessarily involve other people, but for NFs, the answer is "I feel best about myself when I'm en rapport with someone." For SJs, it's being rock-solid dependable -- so all they have to do is take out the garbage or balance their check book and they feel great about themselves. For SPs, it's being graceful in action -- they go to the gym and they feel great about themselves. But for NF's, you actually have to get someone to open up to you and share their soul and then listen attentively while you do the same -- and how often does this happen? So I think it's perfectly understandable that you see dead conversations with people you feel close to as a really bad thing -- from their perspective nothing's wrong but you've lost yet another opportunity to feel best about yourself. Once I realized what was going on I was able to put things in perspective -- I still feel bad, but at least I realize what's motivating me and that other types don't share that motivation and I can treasure the times when I do get to be en rapport with someone else, few and far between as they can be.

  2. #32
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    sometimes i just say that...

    "AFFIRM ME! AFFIRM ME NOW!"

    haha. it helps that i can make fun of myself for being so ridiculous. i think he likes it.

    Hehe, true. Masking your insecurity by making something goofy out of it tends to make some people laugh and affirm you in the process, taking away your pain. As long as you don't overuse it, it's an awesome trick
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  3. #33
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lily Bart View Post
    It used to frustrate me horribly when try as hard as I could I couldn't keep a conversation going. Then I found the FourTypes Sorter in the back of Please Understand Me II. Question 2, "I feel best about myself when...." NTs, SPs and SJs all had things that make them feel best that don't necessarily involve other people, but for NFs, the answer is "I feel best about myself when I'm en rapport with someone." For SJs, it's being rock-solid dependable -- so all they have to do is take out the garbage or balance their check book and they feel great about themselves. For SPs, it's being graceful in action -- they go to the gym and they feel great about themselves. But for NF's, you actually have to get someone to open up to you and share their soul and then listen attentively while you do the same -- and how often does this happen? So I think it's perfectly understandable that you see dead conversations with people you feel close to as a really bad thing -- from their perspective nothing's wrong but you've lost yet another opportunity to feel best about yourself. Once I realized what was going on I was able to put things in perspective -- I still feel bad, but at least I realize what's motivating me and that other types don't share that motivation and I can treasure the times when I do get to be en rapport with someone else, few and far between as they can be.

    wow, i love this. an explanation for my dysfunction. hahaha. WHEE!

  4. #34
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    As an ISxP dating an ISxP, let me tell you, we spend a lot of time interacting without talking. It's awesome - I think I would have a lot of trouble dealing with an extrovert, though I can't say without trying it.
    -end of thread-

  5. #35
    Senior Member Yloh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    i was out with istp last night and we hit a wall. basically, we ran out of stuff to talk about. i verbalize this, of course, and he says something like he can just enjoy being in the presence of other people (he was not being specific to me) and that i need to relax. typical.

    at any rate, i go into freak out mode when this happens. i don't know why exactly and maybe you all can help me sort through my jumble of feelings. i think there are a few things at work:

    1) insecurity - i am subconsciously looking for reasons for us not to be compatible, so we have one tiny little lull and i am like AH-HA! i knew it! run!

    2) restlessness - i need to be stimulated all the time and can't stand to sit there saying nothing at all.

    then of course i start the cycle of being crazy and thinking that "oh no! now i've ruined it with my discontent attitude and my psycho rampant emotionalism!" istp is so freakin calm that it makes me feel ridiculous. it's not his fault... i know it's me... but i just hate that i feel so insane.

    not sure what this is or how to get over it.

    i'm thinking this is why i have short term relationships. it's all i can do not to pull the plug. TOTALLY not rational, but that's how i FEEEEEEL.

    rarr.
    I totally understand where you are coming from. For me, conversing with others allows me to learn about who the other person is. I mean ideas, philosophies, desires, wants, needs, etc (what is inside the mind) can't really be known with out words. It is hard when there is nothing to say because I feel like I can't get to know the other person with out words. I sometimes don't feel appreciated when I don't talk because I don't think others will have the opportunity to see who I am if I just sit there and say nothing. It is hard for me to put it in words, but I do understand how you feel.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lily Bart View Post
    It used to frustrate me horribly when try as hard as I could I couldn't keep a conversation going. Then I found the FourTypes Sorter in the back of Please Understand Me II. Question 2, "I feel best about myself when...." NTs, SPs and SJs all had things that make them feel best that don't necessarily involve other people, but for NFs, the answer is "I feel best about myself when I'm en rapport with someone." For SJs, it's being rock-solid dependable -- so all they have to do is take out the garbage or balance their check book and they feel great about themselves. For SPs, it's being graceful in action -- they go to the gym and they feel great about themselves. But for NF's, you actually have to get someone to open up to you and share their soul and then listen attentively while you do the same -- and how often does this happen? So I think it's perfectly understandable that you see dead conversations with people you feel close to as a really bad thing -- from their perspective nothing's wrong but you've lost yet another opportunity to feel best about yourself. Once I realized what was going on I was able to put things in perspective -- I still feel bad, but at least I realize what's motivating me and that other types don't share that motivation and I can treasure the times when I do get to be en rapport with someone else, few and far between as they can be.
    Wow, I think you just put into words what I couldn't. I've been tempted to read "Please Understand Me II" and I'm beginning to be more convinced to get off my lazy butt and read this book.

    As for those who have talked about "silence can speak louder than words", I believe I can see where you guys are coming from. If you can't be relaxed when in silence, then how can you expect to be relaxed when a deep conversation is rolling. How can I expect to feel comfortable around you in a complex situation if you can be comfortable around me in a simple situation.

    I agree learning to relax is some great advise. I've often heard of people getting into relationships when they stopped trying to find one. It is now becoming clearer that one reason why is when one isn't trying, they are more relaxed in any kind of situation.

    This is actually a subject I've been thinking about a lot lately.

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