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  1. #21
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post
    I think you might be bored.
    I'm going to elaborate a bit on this. I've come up with a bit of a idea about people interactions. When you say to someone "oh my gosh I'm worried you are bored!!" you might actually be saying "dang, I'm bored." Why did the word bored even come to your mind? Possibly because YOU are bored.

    When people try to tell me how I'm feeling I take a minute and wonder if it's how they are actually feeling, because there is a reason their mind produced that specific thought. It's also a good way to turn things onto yourself and take a minute to think about if you are trying to project yourself onto someone else.

  2. #22
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    i try not to ask that. i usually know nothing is wrong... but i do, i really do have a hard time sitting there silently. i like to bounce around... topics of discussion... and literally bounce around...

    but... but... what if it does?! everything has meaning! ENFP! hahaha. when you're silent, i often can't read what is happening and then i end up questioning the whole relationship by default. so much of what stimulates me in a relationship is conversation, so i suddenly assume that the relationship must suck if we can't talk anymore (and by anymore i mean a one time occurence that i have generalized and attributed to why-we-are-no-longer-compatible). this is the crazy stuff i'm talking about!!
    I recognize much of this. My ISTP and I just didnt talk. no kidding. I would go to work for conversation. Are you searching for constant affirmation that he likes you via the external feedback of conversation? Dont bother, if he didnt like you, he would be gone.

  3. #23
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    I personally find that the moment I can just relax and sit back quietly in someone's presence, it means I feel utterly comfortable with them and free to be myself. And that's a special moment to me. So I tend to just sit quietly smiling, or tossing them a glance occasionally and even more fun is just snuggling up with them without saying a word and even while doing something else, watching tv, reading a book, even playing on the pc. Physical touch is incredibly reassuring to me, but even their presence will quiet me and make me content.

    You however sound like you feel nervous if you don't entertain him 24/7. Relax..he likes you, otherwise he wouldn't be there. Let him enjoy your presence, you don't have to be on stage constantly

    Agreed, but it's getting to the moment that makes me relate to the OP. The whole time leading up to that moment where I can truly relax around someone, is full of moments of tense silences in which I;m not sure if it really is ok to just chill.

    If people were not so inconsistent, then it might be easier to suss out, but people are crazy. One minute they tell you they like the slience and don't need to talk to fill in the gaps, the next minute they are shouting at you for being quiet, or not noticing that there was something up with them.

    So I'm always on edge for awhile around new people, and new means anyone I haven't known for a few years at least.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

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  4. #24
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post
    I'm going to elaborate a bit on this. I've come up with a bit of a idea about people interactions. When you say to someone "oh my gosh I'm worried you are bored!!" you might actually be saying "dang, I'm bored." Why did the word bored even come to your mind? Possibly because YOU are bored.

    When people try to tell me how I'm feeling I take a minute and wonder if it's how they are actually feeling, because there is a reason their mind produced that specific thought. It's also a good way to turn things onto yourself and take a minute to think about if you are trying to project yourself onto someone else.

    Yeah, good point. Does this relate to Fi's need to project ones own emotions onto the other? I feel bored so I assume the other person must be too, and I worry if I can't take away their boredom.

    It would be easier to just realise I am bored, and that if they are not, maybe I need to go off and do something to alleviate my own boredom instead of projecting.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  5. #25
    Senior Member syndatha's Avatar
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    Do you have to be with this guy? Because if you run out of things to talk about early in the relationship, chances are that you will become one of those couples where the wife lives in a constant monologue. Is that what you want? I grew up with a very silent father (ISTJ probably) - and it drives me nuts when I don't get responses from people around me - so that's where I come from

    I was usually bored after a couple of months in a relationship before (unless I was with a mean, bad guy-type, and that was too exhausting and painful). I'm so happy I met my husband, an ENxP. We've been together for 12 years now - and we can still talk all night.

    Then again, and only you may know this; maybe you are suppose to be with this guy (as in soulmate) - and then finding someone else will be like not going to the right lecture. But unless he is a soulmate/lesson - I say: don't bother
    I have no sense of humour.

  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by sLiPpY View Post
    Spoken like a wise one..

    ISTP's are funny creatures. I can remember hiking with a person I hadn't known very long. A few weeks before they'd asked me to serve as a groomsman at their wedding.

    All the other guys had years of more time and history...

    We rambled on all the way up and down that mountain, on the ride back it got quiet and it stayed that way for miles and miles. Just the wind coming in through the windows and music playing. Eventually the music went off...just the sound of the wind.

    Wasn't until that moment I decide that this person is someone that I trust.

    Wasn't until those moments that the other ISTP decided that he wanted for me to plan his bachelor party.

    Both cases an unspoken after thought, wasn't listening to anything but the wind and one's state of just being in the physical realm.

    There's a lot to be said for being comfortable with another human being in silence. Wasn't until years later we had a conversation where we'd individually identified those silent moments as being key to ten years of good will.

    For me, feeling comfortable in silence with another human being and sensing that they are also comfortable. Tells me more about a person, than they could do or say.
    I like this story very much. My former husband, an ISTP, is exactly as you describe. I understood his silence from the moment we met. We've hiked hundreds of miles together on various backpack trips, most of the time in silence and I was utterly comfortable with it. We'd walk along for a day saying hardly a word and then start up a conversation whenever he or I felt like talking. Then, silence again. Though his silence didn't bother me, there were times when I wished for more conversation, about ideas, movies, books and such. He was very much in the present, with the landscape at hand. I can be absorbed by the landscape as well, but that focus will lead to other thoughts not grounded in the present. He's also met many other like-minded men who quickly warm to him. Some have kept in contact with him for many years. They never forget him and call him out of the blue to go for a hike. As you say, the silence is understood, and in that is an exchange of fondness that isn't verbally expressed but is keenly felt.

    Like the person you responded to in your post, I like people that I can be quiet with.

  7. #27
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    thanks for all of the responses.

    I'm going to elaborate a bit on this. I've come up with a bit of a idea about people interactions. When you say to someone "oh my gosh I'm worried you are bored!!" you might actually be saying "dang, I'm bored." Why did the word bored even come to your mind? Possibly because YOU are bored.

    When people try to tell me how I'm feeling I take a minute and wonder if it's how they are actually feeling, because there is a reason their mind produced that specific thought. It's also a good way to turn things onto yourself and take a minute to think about if you are trying to project yourself onto someone else.
    interesting and definitely true of me. although, not in this case...

    fact is, i figured out what was wrong. i've thought more about it and realized it's LESS the lack of conversation and MORE my insecurity... which, i figured out last night was NOT unwarranted.

    i was intuiting something that maybe he had yet to realize. he is really still hurting over the exgirlfriend and is not as invested in THIS relationship as much as i want him to be... i can feel it in our conversation and was just attributing it to the wrong thing. it's that N-thing... you know something is off, but you don't know what. i am usually right that there is something, but sometimes my conclusions are wrong.

    in this case, my insecurities about the relationship were amplified because when people aren't talking, i can't tell (as well) the health of the relationship. last night, istp confirmed that he is STILL (after three months) unwilling to let me be his girlfriend for who knows what reason.

    so, yeah, no wonder i'm all bent up about us not talking for two seconds! sheesh.

  8. #28
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    Yeah, good point. Does this relate to Fi's need to project ones own emotions onto the other? I feel bored so I assume the other person must be too, and I worry if I can't take away their boredom.

    It would be easier to just realise I am bored, and that if they are not, maybe I need to go off and do something to alleviate my own boredom instead of projecting.
    See I get that way too, and yes, especially TPs have a way of vibing out boredom at you, so I can so see this being a problem. And I do have to actively calm my mind at that point and sometimes I only after a while realize that the reason I'm restless is coz they are too and the connection is therefore not pleasant.

    However, it's not my problem. Simple. I'm not his mother, I'm not his emotional babysitter, and the other person is a grown up who can sort out his own emotions. And I actively do the same with mine. I'm not responsible for taking away his boredom. I can do it, and I can offer to help, but most will then actively engage you, if they want your help with that (if not, they tend to bite your nose off if you dare to interfere). Hell, I sometimes get msgs on vent waying: 'Im bored, entertain me!' Mostly T's btw and often in jest, but still! I'm willing to try, but it's not my responsibility to make it a succes. And once you realize that, you find yourself smiling and observing them and being amused at their internal struggle. It's still not as comfortable as having a nice convo with them, or having that harmonious silence, but I've learned that if I seem tranquil and at peace, or happy and enjoying myself and willing to engage them if they so desire, it tends to give the best results. They even take over that mood, if the boredom hasn't got them completely distracted. And that's a good step one to get them out of that mood
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  9. #29
    Junior Member Sauropsidian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Happy Puppy View Post
    I recognize much of this. My ISTP and I just didnt talk. no kidding. I would go to work for conversation. Are you searching for constant affirmation that he likes you via the external feedback of conversation? Dont bother, if he didnt like you, he would be gone.
    Wow, I wish I could've got that a lot sooner x(. I was good friends with an ISTP, and a big reason that ended was that I interpreted the silence as she didn't care about me and didn't want to be around me... I was looking for affirmation that I would never recieve...
    4w5 sp/so/sx

  10. #30
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sauropsidian View Post
    Wow, I wish I could've got that a lot sooner x(. I was good friends with an ISTP, and a big reason that ended was that I interpreted the silence as she didn't care about me and didn't want to be around me... I was looking for affirmation that I would never recieve...
    sometimes i just say that...

    "AFFIRM ME! AFFIRM ME NOW!"

    haha. it helps that i can make fun of myself for being so ridiculous. i think he likes it.

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