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  1. #81
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    If someone were to all of sudden express their "true feelings" about me when they were angry, meaning they were holding it in and not being truthful with me, it would feel like a complete slap in the face. I've had this done to me before, and the relationships were never the same again. I try to be honest as much as possible, especially with friends, and I expect the same. I'm leery of people who behave as if they have no issues with you, when in fact they have many which they haven't come forward with.
    When I use Fi, I cant speak during moments of pain. Fi doesnt really have words. So sometimes I will let a lot go and forgive without ever actually mentioning it was an issue-unless you really make me angry. Perhaps this was what you encountered?

    Quote Originally Posted by human101 View Post
    nothing their eyes say everything it's scary
    Is this tertiary Ti?


    Sorry to side track this thread a little but I recently had an encounter where an INFJ hurt me very much. I really, really like her as she is the ultimate in Fe love, and she didnt mean to hurt me, but I was still very hurt. She had no idea that she would hurt me via her actions. I left the scene and said nothing. I feel like keeping a distance or avoiding her now for awhile, maybe a few weeks, as just seeing her makes me hurt a bit and I need time to let the pain go away.

    I am afraid this will result in confusion on her end if she misunderstands my actions via an Fe/Fi translation error and thinks I hate her or something. Do you guys have advice?

  2. #82
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Even an email explanation of why you are staying away would be much better than nothing. It's okay to say that you're not ready to talk about it yet, but you will do less lasting damage by doing that (and also letting her think it over) than by disappearing.

  3. #83
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Even an email explanation of why you are staying away would be much better than nothing. It's okay to say that you're not ready to talk about it yet, but you will do less lasting damage by doing that (and also letting her think it over) than by disappearing.
    Thanks much!

  4. #84
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    It is anything that she can fix after the fact if she should want to, or more of an inadvertant thing that was just unfortunate?

  5. #85
    Member tsumatachi_san's Avatar
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    It can range from me knowing someone has done wrong and they don't know that I know, when I just don't talk to them much and generally avoid them until I suddenly forgive them, to rants, crying with frustration, shouting, glaring, hitting something (usually my door).
    The usual though, is to try to talk it through with people without losing my cool and get them to see why they made me angry. Even if they don't apologise for it, at least they know why I'm angry.

  6. #86
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    Quote Originally Posted by tsumatachi_san View Post
    It can range from me knowing someone has done wrong and they don't know that I know, when I just don't talk to them much and generally avoid them until I suddenly forgive them, to rants, crying with frustration, shouting, glaring, hitting something (usually my door).
    The usual though, is to try to talk it through with people without losing my cool and get them to see why they made me angry. Even if they don't apologise for it, at least they know why I'm angry.
    I generally will tell a friend if they've really upset me but this rarely happens. I mostly forgive and forget. When someone has become important to me, I've already forgiven up front any weird transgressions that might occur, as these will always happen and are unintentional. I recently had a painful situation arise with someone I care for a great deal. I prefer to just talk and explain, apologize (if necessary), listen, and go on...in this case, I decided that I was partly at fault for the pain that insued over my being concerned with my own needs and desires (I was being selfish) and not giving enough consideration to how he might feel. I had to convey that to him silently.

    I can relate to Fidelia's post about making everything OK in silence on her own without telling the other person. I've wondered about my friend, if he thinks it's strange that I didn't react to his words and feelings directly but instead went inside myself to resolve in my heart what I needed to resolve. By not responding in the moment, he may feel that somehow I don't care for him as much as I do, but it's because I do that I resolved it within myself.

    What HappyPuppy said essentially is what I felt: that Fi has no words and can't speak during moments of pain.
    Last edited by Lauren; 01-22-2010 at 10:05 AM.

  7. #87
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    Umm, I think that when it comes to INFJ's, their silence really says a lot.

    If pushed to a corner and forced to say something (that hardly ever happens; cornering a reluctant INFJ is a lot like catching a reluctant cat) I would utter a few scathing words of criticism, usually including one or more of the following adjectives: embarrassing, unprofessional, childish, absurd, unworthy. Not strong enough for you? Wait till you see the idiot who wasn't happy with my silence hurriedly looking for a hole to crawl into It's all in the tone and in the look, really!

  8. #88
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Ok, here it is, the biggest dilemma that anger raises in my life, in a nutshell:

    INFJ is deeply hurt and angered (if it's really deep, it's always both hurt and anger) by a friend's actions. Due to circumstances, or due to an initial (not always healthy) instinct for self-preservation on the part of INFJ, the issue is not discussed properly. The other person sweeps it under the carpet, says things are "ok" but doesn't want to discuss, or otherwise walks away from the issue - presumably thinking things are more or less ok, not quite knowing what to say to INFJ as they're not sure what INFJ is thinking/feeling, or simply not caring a whole lot.

    This is a person to whom INFJ is emotionally vulnerable for one reason or another. INFJ really just wants this person out of her life at this point, so the initial conclusion is to just stay away from the person and try to forget about the matter as much as possible. But this is VERY VERY difficult for INFJ, because INFJ wants closure.

    This is the dilemma - what does INFJ do? She has realised gradually how much the matter is still bothering her. She could approach the person and say "look, there are unresolved things between us and it is bothering me a lot." But on the logical side of things, INFJ has concluded that pursuing a friendship is not a good idea any more, it would be better to have the person out of her life - and making those kinds of overtures would suggest she wants to repair/rekindle the friendship. If INFJ just stays away from the person permanently, though, with things unresolved, the matter will fester and be bad for mental and emotional health and peace of mind.

    I am in this very situation at the moment. And really I don't know what to do. I really wish sometimes that I could just write people off and wash my hands and not care any more.

    EDIT: The best thing to do might be to try to discuss things with the person, but following some resolution, not try to actively pursue a friendship with them any more. That could be relatively easy because we don't currently live in the same place and are not likely to again, for a long time, if ever. But I don't trust this person not to react badly/hurt me any more. It's a scary feeling when you don't know if approaching someone is going to help you resolve things, or just do even more to destroy your peace of mind.
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  9. #89
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wellspring View Post
    Umm, I think that when it comes to INFJ's, their silence really says a lot.

    If pushed to a corner and forced to say something (that hardly ever happens; cornering a reluctant INFJ is a lot like catching a reluctant cat) I would utter a few scathing words of criticism, usually including one or more of the following adjectives: embarrassing, unprofessional, childish, absurd, unworthy. Not strong enough for you? Wait till you see the idiot who wasn't happy with my silence hurriedly looking for a hole to crawl into It's all in the tone and in the look, really!
    I'll usually go to great lengths not to make someone feel cornered or pressured in any way, to the extent that I'll disappear for a while if need be. In my case, it was a circumstance in which I didn't use my intuition but was going with pure feeling and passion (and I was feeling particularly emotionally vulnerable at the time). Passion can really rule my head at times. I like the cat analogy. It was painful for me to inadvertently do this to someone I like so much. He would never have used any of those adjectives, though (at least to my face . What was said was actually not the worst words that could have been spoken given the hole he was looking to dive into.

  10. #90
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Ok, here it is, the biggest dilemma that anger raises in my life, in a nutshell:

    INFJ is deeply hurt and angered (if it's really deep, it's always both hurt and anger) by a friend's actions. Due to circumstances, or due to an initial (not always healthy) instinct for self-preservation on the part of INFJ, the issue is not discussed properly. The other person sweeps it under the carpet, says things are "ok" but doesn't want to discuss, or otherwise walks away from the issue - presumably thinking things are more or less ok, not quite knowing what to say to INFJ as they're not sure what INFJ is thinking/feeling, or simply not caring a whole lot.

    This is a person to whom INFJ is emotionally vulnerable for one reason or another. INFJ really just wants this person out of her life at this point, so the initial conclusion is to just stay away from the person and try to forget about the matter as much as possible. But this is VERY VERY difficult for INFJ, because INFJ wants closure.

    This is the dilemma - what does INFJ do? She has realised gradually how much the matter is still bothering her. She could approach the person and say "look, there are unresolved things between us and it is bothering me a lot." But on the logical side of things, INFJ has concluded that pursuing a friendship is not a good idea any more, it would be better to have the person out of her life - and making those kinds of overtures would suggest she wants to repair/rekindle the friendship. If INFJ just stays away from the person permanently, though, with things unresolved, the matter will fester and be bad for mental and emotional health and peace of mind.

    I am in this very situation at the moment. And really I don't know what to do. I really wish sometimes that I could just write people off and wash my hands and not care any more.

    EDIT: The best thing to do might be to try to discuss things with the person, but following some resolution, not try to actively pursue a friendship with them any more. That could be relatively easy because we don't currently live in the same place and are not likely to again, for a long time, if ever. But I don't trust this person not to react badly/hurt me any more. It's a scary feeling when you don't know if approaching someone is going to help you resolve things, or just do even more to destroy your peace of mind.
    I have a good INFJ friend who recently has gone through much the same thing with a couple of friends. She ended up talking with one friend about some issues and then the friend basically dropped her. The friendship was on the way out anyway, as far as my friend was concerned. It may help you to talk with her just to resolve some things in your own mind and then letting it go. In other words, not letting her response have bearing on your peace of mind but think of it as giving you information for future relationships. If she does hurt you/react badly, then you're free to let them go. That person is responsible for the consquences of their actions and should be left to reflect on them.

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