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  1. #1
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    Default Advice Please - ENFJ Help

    Hello, I have a stressed out and toxic ENFJ spouse on my hands. It's miserable and about to seriously blow up to the stratosphere. She's stressed mainly over family issues and Christmas. She's taking it out on me to the extent that I'm going to completely lose it.

    Reason is not an option.

    Help me.

  2. #2
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by VissralNaction View Post
    Hello, I have a stressed out and toxic ENFJ spouse on my hands. It's miserable and about to seriously blow up to the stratosphere. She's stressed mainly over family issues and Christmas. She's taking it out on me to the extent that I'm going to completely lose it.

    Reason is not an option.

    Help me.
    Tell her to relax. It always works.




    All joking aside, I'd try to take on some of the responsibility she is feeling and make it your own, and send her for a massage for a day to get some stress out. Try to be of help in any way, and if she tries to berate you just calmly tell her you're trying to help, but it's difficult to be helpful when she is being so derisive. Reiterate that you are a team and you can do anything together, but that you have to be on the same page.

    Best I can do without more knowledge about the family issues.



  3. #3
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    I'll try the 'relax' thing again first. (Yeah I actually did that ... results were obv.)

    Thank you for providing some clear thinking.

  4. #4
    Member BMEF's Avatar
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    Based on my personal experience, my ENFJ female friend loves receiving compliments and being appreciated. I wouldn't unleash my anger at her if I were you. I would try to make her feel better about herself. Showing her that you care about her and that you are always there for her is always a good thing. I'm an INFJ male by the way..

  5. #5
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Don't tell her to "relax" because it trivializes her feelings, and she probably cannot relax while she is worried about something she clearly finds important. Instead, you could say something like, "I want you to enjoy the holiday and you seem so stressed, so what can I do to help you?". I agree that you have to seem like you are on her side and then follow through by actually helping her.

    And yeah, compliments help calm people down, especially if you use them to put things in perspective - tell her she is doing a great job (at whatever it is - planning, mitigating difficult relatives, etc) and being too hard on herself, and assure her it will all be okay and that you're there to help.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  6. #6
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    The more you can intuit that she needs from you to feel like you are on a team together, the better. She also probably needs to vent a bunch without you reacting strongly. Stay on the same side!!!! Lifting some of her burdens will be noticed. Ask her questions to encourage her to talk. She's like a kettle that has the steam hole plugged up and is about to blow. The more outlets you can provide for talking, the less likely an ugly explosion is to occur.

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