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  1. #1
    Senior Member Jonathanthegreat's Avatar
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    Default ENFJ needs relationship advice please

    Hi everyone I have returned. I have found myself in a vulnerable state and I need help not smart remarks or insults, please.

    So I have question. I've been dating an INTP female recently and things have been going well. I am a very protective Alpha male and I have no clue why but I am very jealous that she talks to this one guy she used to sleep with over a year ago. Recently I took her to the ballet and she said it was the number 1 date she's ever been on and I asked what number two was and it was a date this guy took her out on. Idk why but it drives me NUTS and I wanna smash this kids head with a brick. Also they both supported obama together and both don't believe in God and she had sex with him on a rooftop (I'm a conservative republican christian, a religious enfj shocker i know). Idk this shit all makes me so FURIOUS. I haven't spoke to her about it also he made fun of me recently via IM. I read it she asked him a question and he said "ask your bf he hears from God directly :p" yes i am aware that my behaviors aren't very christian but I am just a man and this is how I feel. I am confident enough to want to solve this problem. I am a psychology major so I am trying to have closure on this subject because it's literally eating me up inside. But yeah basically I want to smash this kid's head with a brick and I dont wanna feel like that. So someone help please? also please feel free to ask questions if you feel they would lead to answers

  2. #2
    WTF is this dude saying? A Schnitzel's Avatar
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    Most of my INTP female friends still talk with their exes.
    I doubt she wants to get back together with him.

    You have the girl he doesn't. The reasons why you are angry seem to have little to do with this guy (don't call him a kid) and more to do with you not feeling particularly comfortable with the relationship between the two of you. If you want to feel comfortable in the relationship you have to be able to talk to her about this sort of thing. Also never read her IM conversations. Ever.
    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    sheesh humans! for realz

  3. #3
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Let the anger go. Stop wanting to smash people's heads in and just live life. Let her be who she is (you're going to have to do this with an INTP anyways, if you want to get to level 2) and realize that her past is her past. We all have a past. Actually, since you bring up Christianity, it is because none of us are perfect and have all fallen short in some ways and at some time, and because we are not God, that we have no right to judge.

    So, I know what you mean about her past with him causing grief and frustration and even jealousy for you. But, there really is nothing you can do about the past. You can love her right here and right now, for who she is now, realizing that she has a past, just like everyone else.

    As for wanting to smash his head in, don't worry about him. Get him out of your head. That's the only reason why he is getting to you, because you've allowed him to. Anything he says can only affect you if you let it. Don't be angry at him - one day you might be her ex-boyfriend and she'll have to tell her new boyfriend about you.

    Don't give him a high enough place that he can get under your skin. Heck, if I met him, I'd even be nice/cordial towards him. Why be anything different? Even if he's said things about you. Don't return anger for anger.

    Concentrate on you and her - in the present. If her past is too much for you and you can't seem to accept her in spite of it, then she may not be the one for you.

  4. #4
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jonathanthegreat View Post
    Hi everyone I have returned. I have found myself in a vulnerable state and I need help not smart remarks or insults, please.

    So I have question. I've been dating an INTP female recently and things have been going well. I am a very protective Alpha male and I have no clue why but I am very jealous that she talks to this one guy she used to sleep with over a year ago. Recently I took her to the ballet and she said it was the number 1 date she's ever been on and I asked what number two was and it was a date this guy took her out on. Idk why but it drives me NUTS and I wanna smash this kids head with a brick. Also they both supported obama together and both don't believe in God and she had sex with him on a rooftop (I'm a conservative republican christian, a religious enfj shocker i know). Idk this shit all makes me so FURIOUS. I haven't spoke to her about it also he made fun of me recently via IM. I read it she asked him a question and he said "ask your bf he hears from God directly :p" yes i am aware that my behaviors aren't very christian but I am just a man and this is how I feel. I am confident enough to want to solve this problem. I am a psychology major so I am trying to have closure on this subject because it's literally eating me up inside. But yeah basically I want to smash this kid's head with a brick and I dont wanna feel like that. So someone help please? also please feel free to ask questions if you feel they would lead to answers
    Are you the kind of conservative Christian who intends to be abstinent outside of marriage, raise a family with kids whom you take to church, have religion be present in your life, etc.?

    Because if you are, the answer you know already that you don't want to accept is this: she is probably a very intelligent, thoughtful, kind, patient woman. She is also facing a life path that is 100degrees off from your personal goals, and the more realities you add to the picture (relationship choices, going to church, raising kids as atheists or Sunday school attenders, etc.) the more you are doing her a disservice by pretending that you're on the same life path. You're also making it way harder for yourself.

    There's no such thing as a soulmate. If your life paths are facing different directions, it's easier to part amicably now rather than when you're furious with each other later in life when your values are challenging rather than complementing her values.
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

  5. #5
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I've got to agree with Usehername. Seems like if you are truly trying to follow God, this way isn't going to work. I know from personal experience that it is much more painful to try to end things several years after it becomes obvious to both parties that they are on different pathways, than the bit of pain that saying goodbye after a short time would have caused.

    The jealousy you are talking about also indicates some personal insecurity that you cannot live up to this guy in her mind. It seems odd to me that she would tell you all about having sex on the rooftop with him, and she is not improving the situation if she is showing you derogatory IMs from him. (And if you're reading them without her knowledge, that indicates a much bigger problem.) In addition to you perhaps having some insecurities, it sounds like perhaps she does as well or there wouldn't be a need to encourage jealousy.

    From what I've seen, most relationship problems have more to do with personal issues (often better worked out alone) and also with making sure that you have enough common goals from the get go that you can work together. It sounds to me like maybe both of you have some individual work to do and also that you need to choose someone who values the same things that you do, if you want to truly make a go of things.

    Christianity not only involves verbal affirmation of a set of beliefs, but making behavioural choices that put your money where your mouth is. Just as a person adds up what will be required when building a house (money, materials, labour etc), following Christ requires you to count the cost of following Him (and there is most certainly a cost). Dating someone who is on the polar opposite end of the religious spectrum is likely to result in

    1) You deciding that certain aspects of your faith don't matter, and eventually abandoning it
    2) You ending up sleeping with her, feeling guilty and distancing yourself from what makes you feel guilty
    3) You realizing down the road that you aren't compatible and breaking up with lots of pain involved.
    4) You settling down with her and raising kids who are unlikely to value your faith.

    It sounds to me like you have some sorting out to do of what personally matters to you before looking for the person that you want to be with. (If I remember correctly from before, you were going through a lot of changes in your life within the last year as far as faith and lifestyle).

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