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[NF] Why are NF good in fighting for others but not for themselves?

Giggly

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So I am wondering why NFs often have so many problems with caring for their own needs? Seriously what's the problem ?

I'm SF and I have this problem too. I have trouble standing up for myself. I have too many self-doubts which drains my energy, but I have so much more vigor when I stand up for other people. I think it's because sometimes the value of those whom I love and care about is much clearer to me than my own value.
 

William K

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That was not my point/question actually .
My point was how likely is that you will place someone elses needs before your own. (especially if it isn't something big)

I think you hit it on the head there with regards to how important that something is. Speaking from an INFP point of view, my default mode is taking the path of least resistance; and if it is a decision that I don't find important, I'll just go with the flow or compromise instead of digging in my heels.

For example, if I'm buying something and I feel that I can afford to pay the price that the merchant is charging, I wouldn't bother haggling even though I know I can get a cheaper price. To me, the 'negative' energy spent trying to convince the other person and 'winning' is just not worth it.

On the other hand, if I have made a decision on something, I can be extremely stubborn and selfish, even to the point of not changing it even when I know it's a mistake and I'm wrong.

And to answer your question in the OP, I believe personally that it's a matter of a lack of confidence. If we don't believe something strong enough, how can we expect to convince and change others? It just seems so much easier to compromise and accede to the wishes of others. And the Ne can fool us most of the time by making us believe that if others are happy, then we are happy too.
 

Fidelia

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The reason I sometimes put others wishes/needs ahead of my own (especially about unimportant things) is

1) Sometimes I don't want to have to make the decision.
2) Sometimes I would prefer to handle my temporary disappointed feelings rather than the unpredictability of dealing with someone else's. I hate emotional surprises.
3) Sometimes I don't recognize that I have been doing that until I start feeling resentful that the other person is not doing the same for me. As I've gotten older I recognize and verbalize it a lot sooner than I used to.
4) If it doesn't matter all that much, I like the feeling of making someone else happy.
5) I have a tendancy to try to meet whatever needs are most urgent first. As I've gotten older, I've learned not to overestimate what I can do in a certain amount of time. I also have learned to say no to some people.
6) I never used to realize that sometimes I actually am frustrating people by being too flexible and accommodating. I've gotten better at adjusting my interactions to the type of person I'm dealing with. In general, with strong T types, I've realized that I need to be way more up front about my own needs before I get resentful.
 

OrangeAppled

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I think you hit it on the head there with regards to how important that something is. Speaking from an INFP point of view, my default mode is taking the path of least resistance; and if it is a decision that I don't find important, I'll just go with the flow or compromise instead of digging in my heels.

For example, if I'm buying something and I feel that I can afford to pay the price that the merchant is charging, I wouldn't bother haggling even though I know I can get a cheaper price. To me, the 'negative' energy spent trying to convince the other person and 'winning' is just not worth it.

On the other hand, if I have made a decision on something, I can be extremely stubborn and selfish, even to the point of not changing it even when I know it's a mistake and I'm wrong.

Agreed. If I am not putting up a fight, then frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. It's just not worth my effort and energy.

Generally, I'm pretty self-absorbed and am always looking out for myself. I feel like I am not giving or self-sacrificing enough, but then I compare myself to SFJs I know who just do, do, do, and I seem like a lazy, selfish little thing who is all wrapped up in her own dreams and desires.
 

kiddykat

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IDK.. personally, if I feel attacked or AM attacked, I stand up for myself. Depends on the person the intent of the person sending the message to me too.

Sometimes I feel as though I need to bite my lip and hold my tongue a bit, because if I'm wronged, I say something..

When I was younger.. It was fight fire with fire.. Not good. :p As I've gotten older, I learned to stick up for myself in a very direct, assertive way.
 

Chloe

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i will read thread later and then answer, but there are 2 possible reasons;
1. NFs are prone to codependence.
2. OP as NT is misreading many of NF behavior, not that often it's not true, but some of it you simply misread
 

nomadic

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hmm yeah

but that kind of behavior is typical for guys and girls too

i.e. guy who drinks and smokes and drugs, cleans himself up bc of his gf.

i.e. girl who takes care of kids and family because its an extension of herself.

this kind of behavior is common for anyone
 

Lily Bart

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I think this is a really good question and all I have is a really bad answer -- it's just always been a knee-jerk response with me -- it's my honest-to-goodness first response to a situation without ever having to think about it. Later on, I might think things through and realize that I could have very reasonably been a little more selfish and no one would have blamed me -- but that only comes a lot later. I can remember as a kid giving my ESFJ sister toys that I no longer wanted and then realizing with puzzlement and shock that she never gave me any of her toys. Later it was clothes -- one day I asked for a dress back and she refused and got mad with me and it was very, very disconcerting to me like my universe had turned upside down.
 

HotpinkHeatwave

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I can't even remember how othen I have heard something like this as side comment in a post made by NF.

So I am wondering why NFs often have so many problems with caring for their own needs? Seriously what's the problem ?

I will post more as the thread goes.

Well, personally, other people's problems matter so much more to me. My tears are nothing when another friend is crying. For me I feel an overwhelming amount of compassion, possibly true to most other NFs.

Edit: It kind of sounds like I missed the point of the question, but I didn't. I am fierce in defending the people I care deeply about, but not commonly in defending myself.
 

Virtual ghost

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I try to put other's needs before my own because I like seeing other people comfortable/happy. Plus, if isn't something big, then it shouldn't be a big enough of a problem to warrant me being uncomfortable/unhappy.


I am the opposite since I tend to think that if it is a small thing the person can do that for themselves. While I will help them in something big (since that stimulates my brain).
 

alexx

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Because:

a.) We can be really bad at speaking up because we WANT to forgive
b.) It's easier to see when something wrong is happening and it isn't happening to you
c.) The fairness tripwire. We will kung foo you if you are unfair
 

HollyGolightly

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Fighting for others feels like it's worth it, whereas fighting for myself...meh.
I'm sensitive and expressive, very much so. So when it's me I can put on that act. When it's someone else I am more level headed about the situation because I am empathising...but I'm not actually feeling the full extent of it.
Sometimes I get into a fight for other people because I'm insecure and I wanna look like I'm holding it together...that I can hold it together. It's harder to pretend I can do that when it's directly affecting me...because of all the feelings it brings. I can't think straight so I chose not to really do anything unless I really have to. Hence why my life is a mess ;P

I also think that part of the reason I find it so easy to sort out other people's problems is because I'm compensating for not being able to take care of my own.
 

antireconciler

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NFs are prone to low self esteem.

at least, in particular, I am, and therefore, as per the OP, etc.

For me, it is not that I am not selfish or don't take care of my own needs, it is just that I am often simply NOT AWARE of my own needs because they conflict with an image of myself as a good kid, so I have somehow managed to cover them and de-emphasize them. I am an adult, and I am responsible for myself now, yet the image lingers like a specter, holding out a false sense of love which I'll accept great degradation to pay for. It is tempting, and it is also ... so vile, I can't find words strong enough to describe the repulsion I feel as I write this. It's villainy! Absolute treachery!
 

rushig

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I have to say I agree with not being able to fight for my self.
If injustice or wrong is done to some one I love or care, I would readily react with a rough remark my self or anything else for that matter.
But if someone is being harsh to me, then I fell so bad inside. as if like why is this person saying/ doing this to me when I haven't done anything at all etc.

It is only after I have a sit at a quiet corner and reflect and strategise can I fight back with an action plan. but oh boy when it comes to that they better watch out....But hardly do i resolve to any lashing back. I normally think they're idiots and let it go.. hehe
 

Thalassa

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I fight for myself. I've been called "a very demanding young lady."

I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Although, yes, I can be VERY protective of others and will fight for other people as well.
 
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