I was in a pretty great mood a few minutes ago, but then it sort of ... fell out of me. Yesterday I approached strangers and initiated conversation, went out in public in a ridiculous hat and gleefully watched people out of the corner of my eye, and decided that I want to go hang-gliding in the relatively near future. Well, I actually feel pretty good right now, too. Just sort of ... blunted.
Now let me show you my pRoBlUmZ.
I am an INFP (or maybe an E - I think I'm on the cusp?). Apparently this type is delivered with a complimentary side of anguish, and ... I've definitely been feeling the INFPain for the last few years. Two weeks ago, I finally told an online friend about it and now it's sort of gushing out of me, but it feels good. I'm dealing with it, and learning how to be more open at the same time.
I want to be fearless and impulsive and outgoing and bold and assertive and proud and strong and confident. I want to experience uncontrollable rushes of emotion. I want to be angry - I want to have an explosive temper. I want my mouth to get me into trouble. I want to leap before I look. I want to stop caring about every other effing person on the planet, because I need to look after myself. I want to stop being a martyr. I want to rush headlong into life. I want to be emotionally open and stop hiding myself and the way I feel. I want to be the leader; I want to be in control; I want to be the center of attention. I want everyone to love me and I want to love myself and I want to be fantastically, explosively vivid and alive.
But I don't know how.
And I need to be that way because, if I can't be brave, my actions are not in alignment with my morals. I break my moral code and rip myself apart in punishment.
I hate myself because I'm afraid; I'm afraid because I'm weak; I'm weak because I'm afraid; I'm afraid because I'm weak; I'm weak because I hate myself.
Can I even break that chain? Or is my only recourse to accept myself and stop trying to be what I'm not?
Because I won't accept myself. I will never be happy as the person I am today, because there will always be that time I backed down; that time I wasted an opportunity; that time I was so lonely that I wished to die, yet was too afraid to do anything about it; that time I bit my tongue; that time I didn't "fight the cosmic forces of evil". My god, I don't want to be a dreamer - I want to be a hero.
I'm so tired of being me. I feel blank and calm in a dead way most of the time - I have to be the center of attention in order to feel alive. I'm not happy unless I'm entertaining people. I like to be the leader. I'm afraid of intimacy and commitment, yet I feel hollow and ghost-like without it. But I am so afraid. Is it because I was bullied? Do I just need to raise my self-esteem? If I learned to love myself for who I am, I'd get over it, right? But I won't be able to love myself until I'm capable of making myself happy, and I can't do that until I stop stifling myself and become capable of fulfilling my needs and desires. See? ANOTHER catch 22!
Am I yearning for what I could never possibly be, or am I yearning for what I should be - what I would be, if I had no inner barriers? If I did not destroy myself at every turn? Or is self-hatred something that is part of me and can never be excised? Why would self-destruction be part of a person's core?? How do I get rid of it?!?
What about you? From the descriptions I've read, it looks like my problem - dissatisfaction with myself, and subsequent attempts to change -- comes with the Idealist territory. Do you feel this pain? How do you deal with it? Other types, do you just think we're insane? :}