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  1. #1
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Default Emotional abuse and NFs

    Im guessing there may be a thread out there which is similar or relevant, but havent found it yet, so if there is, please feel free to supply a link or whatever

    Im getting the impression from my experience, and from those of other NF friends, that NFs may be particularly vulnerable to emotional abuse. By that I mean not only that emotional abuse may be particularly damaging to them, but that they may be more likely to find themselves in such situations or to stay in them even against their better judgment.

    I had a situation with someone recently where both of us made a mistake, but it kind of had a good outcome, but placed the other person in a very awkward situation (hard to explain). The other person took it out on me, blamed the situation on me, didnt acknowledge that the outcome might actually have been for the bestetc. I think this was partly due to shame and guilt on their part and a reluctance to say sorry, admit the blame on their own side, etc. (I promise you that I didnt try to blame it all on them though I could have gone down that road and I acknowledged AND apologised for my own mistakes. Partly hoping they would respond in kind, but they didnt.)

    When I told a couple of other friends about the situation, they both used expressions like abuse or abusive to describe this persons behaviour. Not that this person was constantly doing things like this to me, but there is still a pattern of them carelessly hurting me, and me putting up with it. And I can think of a past relationship where I would not hesitate to say the guy was being emotionally abusive. He would tell me I wasnt making him as happy as his ex-girlfriendthen tell me how much he loved methen tell me about the ex-girlfriendmake me feel like it was my fault I wasnt making him happy enoughthen tell me again how much he loved meetcAnd I was putting up with it because I loved him and because I thought if I could just try harder, things would work out and we could get off the roller coaster. Only later did I realise how wrong this situation had been, and how unaware of my feelings he was and how totally focused on his own.

    One of the friends, another INFJ, who used the abuse word when she described my recent situation said that she has also found that she attracts people who can be abusive. She thought it was maybe because we can be too nice and try to get along with everyone. I dont think most of these people are being malicious. It may be some dysfunction in their personality/backgrounds, or just carelessness, but just because it isnt malicious doesnt mean it cant be abusive.

    Now that I am starting to see a pattern in my life, I would appreciate suggestions for breaking away from it/avoiding it in futurewithout completely ceasing to trust anyone at allsurely there is a middle ground? I am thinking I need to trust people more slowly (which often I do, with people in general, but if people are particularly charming or friendly, or they really open up to me about themselves and their feelings, sometimes I foolishly dive right in trust-wise), pay more attention to their actions than their words, etc.

    Anyone have thoughts, stories they would like to share, etc?
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  2. #2
    Courage is immortality Valiant's Avatar
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    Well... Unhealthy NFs are also very prone to emotional abuse.
    I had a thing for badass ENFx chicks for a couple of years when I was younger.
    Never doing it again Pleasant, knowledgeable, monogamous, well-mannered and kind NFs are good for the soul.

    Away with the street-smart, fickle, spineless, ignorant and polygamous NFs
    Witty is OK, but thuggish is bad stuff.
    Oh, and the whole black metal/goth thing is just awful.

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  3. #3
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by YourLocalJesus View Post
    Well... Unhealthy NFs are also very prone to emotional abuse.
    I think being emotionally abusive could stem either from being very aware of other people's emotions and how to manipulate them, and being cruel/unscrupulous, OR being very oblivious to others' feelings and not bothering to take them into account, while selfishly focusing on your own. So yeah, I'm sure you're right about unhealthy NFs.
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    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Actually, I think it's more due to a loss of faith in the world. "They hurt me, it seems to be the thign to do, so if you cannot beat them, join them!"

    The moment an NF loses faith in the world, feels surrounded and overwhelmed by the pain out there, they tend to wall themselves in and/or lash out to to anyone who comes near, I think.
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  5. #5
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    Well growing up, I had to face a constant bombardment of emotional abuse from the people around me. Not a fun experience I tell you.

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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Actually, I think it's more due to a loss of faith in the world. "They hurt me, it seems to be the thing to do, so if you cannot beat them, join them!"

    The moment an NF loses faith in the world, feels surrounded and overwhelmed by the pain out there, they tend to wall themselves in and/or lash out to to anyone who comes near, I think.
    It's not exactly lashing out. It more like: "..you will feel my wrath if you fuck with me.."

  7. #7
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Ahh but what constitutes 'fucking with someone' and how easily is it misperceived?
    If you have no more faith in people around you, it becomes easy to be paranoid of everything they do.


    In fact, I think this applies to most people. NFs just show it in a more emo way. NTs might do it with cold determination and anger.
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  8. #8
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Ahh but what constitutes 'fucking with someone' and how easily is it misperceived?
    If you have no more faith in people around you, it becomes easy to be paranoid of everything they do.
    Ok this is all very interesting but I really wanted to know about NFs being emotionally abused, not emotionally abusing.
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    Well... Unhealthy NFs are also very prone to emotional abuse.
    I had a thing for badass ENFx chicks for a couple of years when I was younger.
    Never doing it again Pleasant, knowledgeable, monogamous, well-mannered and kind NFs are good for the soul.

    Away with the street-smart, fickle, spineless, ignorant and polygamous NFs
    Witty is OK, but thuggish is bad stuff.
    Oh, and the whole black metal/goth thing is just awful.
    I think being emotionally abusive could stem either from being very aware of other people's emotions and how to manipulate them, and being cruel/unscrupulous, OR being very oblivious to others' feelings and not bothering to take them into account, while selfishly focusing on your own. So yeah, I'm sure you're right about unhealthy NFs.
    Actually, I think it's more due to a loss of faith in the world. "They hurt me, it seems to be the thign to do, so if you cannot beat them, join them!"

    The moment an NF loses faith in the world, feels surrounded and overwhelmed by the pain out there, they tend to wall themselves in and/or lash out to to anyone who comes near, I think.
    +1000

    Maybe because NFs at their core are so intimately connected with emotion/feeling, it has the potential to be both the most damaging venom to their inner selves and the most powerful weapon they can wield against others. Cue negative feedback loop.

  10. #10
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Agreed, SilkRoad. Let's get back on topic
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