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  1. #51
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SillySapienne View Post
    I was totally with you till the last part, ew, any NF who becomes abusive to anybody else should be stripped of his or her NF badge, for realz.

    The worst I can see them "committing" after having lost their faith in the so-called world is their deliberately shutting out others, preferring to sink in their pain alone.

    Also, ALL ABUSE transfers as emotional abuse for an NF, duh, right... right?!!?!

    How can one, especially an NF, not take abuse as an assault against one's emotions, (amongst other things).

    Oh I fully agree, but this only happens when you're aching so much all over that you no longer have control over it. The moment you're in so much emotional agony, that you just accidentily end up hurting someone in the process. This is why I'll try to isolate myself when that happens. And then you have those that are too scarred and scared to go back to the previous state. I personally cannot do that. I can't stay in that paranoid state. But I think depending on the person and the kind of abuse they suffered...being jaded and paranoid can be a shield. And you'll lash out at people, not to hurt them or hit them, but to keep them away, so they cannot hurt you.

    You ask 'how can anyone do that?'. I ask 'how can you not see that this is a survival mechanism that is very effective?' I'm not talking about happiness, quality of life, or what not. But just the right to not suffer, or at least, not suffer at the hand of others.
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  2. #52
    Senior Member sciski's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Afkan View Post
    The woman he chose to marry was more than a decade older than my dear NF friend. This was all insulting on so many levels,
    May I ask why his choice of an older woman was insulting to your friend? Not challenging you, but I honestly don't see why this is insulting?

  3. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by sciski View Post
    May I ask why his choice of an older woman was insulting to your friend? Not challenging you, but I honestly don't see why this is insulting?
    I don't know. I have no problem w/it personally. My friend specifically stated that as a reason why she was heartbroken.

    I appreciate anyone challenging me, no worries. I mean i know you aren't but if you were I wouldn't mind

  4. #54
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    Quote Originally Posted by sciski View Post
    May I ask why his choice of an older woman was insulting to your friend? Not challenging you, but I honestly don't see why this is insulting?
    Oh you know what? I think this subj definitely deserves discussion. I was just thinking about it and remembered a few details. And again, I'm really glad you asked.
    By "all ...reasons" I meant a huge pot of reasons... and the decade older thing was just a drop in the pot. I want to explain though,

    I think she was hurt that he chose someone older bc... well... he's a lost puppy. He really needed to be "steer" him, and nurture him, and she did that but the fact that he didn't see it that way until someone older was there to do it, that really hurt her. My friend is younger than the two who married- that couple is close in age. My friend sometimes behaves a little passively, its not a bad thing she's just sweet and gentle.
    The woman he married is direct, assertive, confident. I think that's what he was looking for, not a certain age.

    Additionally, my NF friend is very Fi and doesn't like body image stuff inflicted by the media, she speaks out against it just when in a social setting.

  5. #55
    Senior Member sciski's Avatar
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    Oh.... so does that mean your NF friend felt it was an insult to her own sense of wisdom and maturity?

    That makes sense to me. Thanks for explaining it.

    However, it kind of does sound as if your friend dodged a bullet... even though it hurt her very much at the time. Hopefully in time she'll realise she was quite lucky.


    Going back to the OP, I have a sense that while NFs are likely to be most sensitive to emotional abuse, it's probably ISFJs who are most frequently trodden upon. ISFJs just seem to take a LOT of crap and I always want to protect the ones I know (while probably treading upon them unwittingly).

  6. #56
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    Quote Originally Posted by sciski View Post
    However, it kind of does sound as if your friend dodged a bullet... even though it hurt her very much at the time. Hopefully in time she'll realise she was quite lucky.
    Yes.

  7. #57
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Synarch View Post
    I would flip this question on its head and say that NF's are more likely to classify an experience as abusive.

    For one thing, "abusive" is a term of evaluation. If someone were to be violent with me, I would say they were violent with me. I would not necessarily feel it important to define as abuse.

    Sensors may rely less on semantic judgments of life's contents and NT's may similarly view experiences from a more impersonal light.

    Similarly, I think NF's are more likely than other types to be sensitive to things like verbal abuse relative to NT's perhaps.
    I'm inclined to agree with you.

    Emotional abuse is
    1. the willful or reckless infliction of emotional or mental anguish
    2. undermining an individual's sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem. This may include, but is not limited to constant criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, or damaging one's relationship with his or her children.


    If indeed NFs are more psychologically sensitive to such things than what other types shrug off may hit NFs harder. It's a nebulous and difficult...legitimate abuse vs what someone would just tell you to man up about.

    I do think people generally are joking in a more mean-spirited way, I guess it's called schadenfreude.(thank you Word of the Day!)
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
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  8. #58
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sciski View Post
    You may have answered your own question with your post.

    Your friends wisely pointed out the negative nature of the relationship.

    So keep talking to your friends about what's going on in your life. They will provide a good outsider's perspective and also the support (or slap, as mentioned in later replies) that you may need.

    Yes - having a few people in my life who I can discuss these things with and get their perspective (or have them reassure me that I'm not completely nuts, haha) is very good/important for me
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  9. #59
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SillySapienne View Post
    To come to the realization that a parent of yours was or is a crazy unhealthy person who hurt you repeatedly, i.e. abused you, because they were the ones with problems, not you, is a very productive realization.
    I don't think that NFs are necessarily more sensitive to emotional abuse, but perhaps we tend to be more aware of it's consequences, making us more likely to articulate the damage done.
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

  10. #60
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Synarch View Post
    Why is it important to name things?

    For me personally, I would say that I experienced things growing up that other people would call abuse, but I don't see the point in defining the experience. I wouldn't want to make it bigger than it is, as big as it is. I don't see what it benefits me to define and create a story around it. To fetishize the suffering.

    Even in my adult life I have been in relationships where I let myself be hurt or even where I hurt myself. Or, even where I hurt others, but again why is it important to name and define?
    Speaking for myself, it's important to name and define because if I can't, I just go around in circles wondering why I feel so miserable, why I feel so victimized, why my self-confidence is shot, why the ache in the pit of my stomach, what's wrong with me that I can't do better, etc etc. If someone can tell me, well, it's because you're suffering abuse, here is the definition of abuse, these are the specific behaviors you've been dealing with, then I have something to work with. It gets very mixed up in there because I don't want to see what I don't want to see in a loved one, and I'm very likely to take the blame upon myself for anything that goes wrong. If I can categorically pronounce it abuse, I can at least read about it and find a way to cope or a reason to get out. The defining gives me a rock to stand on.

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