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  1. #11
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I unfortunately experience this dynamic a lot when attempting to develop a friendship with someone who is very introverted, even if I like them very much. Somehow it's just awkward.
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  2. #12
    /X\(:: :: )/X\ BlueSprout's Avatar
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    I think I've witnessed Fe fail in some INFJs, but it's hard for me to tell whether it's really a failure or not.

    INFJ interactive Fe just reads like politeness and sympathy to me, which can seem superficial and fake in some situations, but maybe I haven't been close enough to any to experience the depth of compassion that Fe has to offer. In some situations, their ability to reach a person seemed to have been hampered by awkwardness and emotional distance (and I'm not the only one to observe this). I'm curious to know how INFJs would interpret this.

    Then again,

    I unfortunately experience this dynamic a lot when attempting to develop a friendship with someone who is very introverted, even if I like them very much. Somehow it's just awkward.
    It may be my awkwardness or quietness that creates the wrong conditions when I have been on the receiving end of Fe. When I've seen INFJs get really emotionally engaged, it's been more about broader injustices and pet causes than about any individual. Maybe this is how it works if you aren't that close to one? I don't doubt that they are insightful with Ni (I've been shocked by their abilities to see through me and others), but sometimes I don't understand how Fe really works for them interpersonally. Is it that Ni is so powerful that distance between them and the people they understand needs to be established?

  3. #13
    Pumpernickel
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    I've not witnessed Fe fail in INFJs but I've definitely witnessed Fe denial in them!

  4. #14
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jane View Post
    INFJ interactive Fe just reads like politeness and sympathy to me, which can seem superficial and fake in some situations, but maybe I haven't been close enough to any to experience the depth of compassion that Fe has to offer. In some situations, their ability to reach a person seemed to have been hampered by awkwardness and emotional distance (and I'm not the only one to observe this). I'm curious to know how INFJs would interpret this.
    I am definitely not speaking for other INFJ's, as I think this will vary.

    I can understand Fe reading like politeness and sympathy, because frankly I AM much of the time just trying and wanting to be respectful of others. My own needs are more fluid/less important sometimes, and especially in social interactions, I'll adjust my method of communication depending on who I'm interacting with - just because my method of communication isn't a defining element for me to begin with; if anything, it's the tendency to adjust that IS the defining element. As for awkwardness, yeah, I can be totally socially awkward/inept; it's tied to introversion as well as the Ni I think. And tied to what I wrote in my first post on here, the fluidity/confidence I have is hugely dependent on the other person, and how the dynamic itself operates. If the other person is more withdrawn, I have a harder time engaging. If the other person is more animated and confident, I play off that really well. Etc. Also, I've written elsewhere on here that just because I don't personally feel I'll ever connect deeply with someone else, doesn't mean I don't think the person deserves to be treated well and it's not like I don't still want to try to understand them better or lack the curiosity, or at least desire to appreciate them/connect with them on whatever level I can appreciate them on.

    Emotional distance for me could be explained in two ways - 1. I am only really vulnerable/open with those I really want to be open with, trust, want to invest in, and see a deep relationship potential with, and 2. Connecting with people emotionally isn't my natural language anyway. This is probably an Ni/Fi difference. My prime mode isn't necessarily connecting on this level, and I'm not necessarily aiming for that kind of interaction anyway. I'm more interested in topics, issues, philosophy, and the like...more intellectual stuff, not necessarily deeply personal...so yeah, for me I would say I'm not naturally attuned/proficient in honing in on an emotional wavelength. I think I can be really good at making people feel appreciated and liked, but that doesn't necessarily translate into a deep emotional bond in the sense that I think dom-Fi's appreciate and naturally go towards. I like *understanding* people and why they do things, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to need or want to let down my emotional walls with everyone as a means of connecting, or I even want to go there.

    (edit: good lord, I used my quota of 'necessarily's' for the rest of the week. )



    It may be my awkwardness or quietness that creates the wrong conditions when I have been on the receiving end of Fe. When I've seen INFJs get really emotionally engaged, it's been more about broader injustices and pet causes than about any individual.
    Yeah, for myself, I tend to be more engaged/animated when talking about the larger context, culture, society, and the like. Not so much on the individual level, although with people I'm really close to the emotional engagement applies to those individuals as well.
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  5. #15
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    Thanks for weighing in, people. Cascade, Cafe, Sky, Jane, your comments were good to read.

    I'm sure some of it was just the dramatic change in circumstances and us both being Js who are more comfortable with predictability--pretty much everything changed since the last IRL conversation we had in her office while she was pregnant. We had a very comfortable and enjoyable chat for a good 20 minutes after the initial discomfort and before the baby woke, but I could tell at the beginning and end that she was nervous, and I'm sure my stoicism amplified that.
    She was also stressed that I watched her while she was trying to comfort her fussy infant because of the lack of control she had over the baby's fussiness and because it interrupted our chatting. She always talks about how pregnancy/mothering is the biggest challenge ever to her Type A control freak self.

    She was also soo quick to talk about her baby's weight (her baby is not skinny but srsly it's 3mos old--bodies are not supposed to be so perfectly proportioned at that age!), her hair falling out (it looked perfectly normal to me), her weight (she was not carrying anything extra, esp. for a new mom)... as if those things were the metaphorical elephant in the room (I never gave any of those things a second of my brain's time but they were clearly things she needed to address). I should also add that she's incredibly put-together and professional and calm and reasonable, and she's showing insecurities because she trusts me--I'm quite sure she'd just put up an emotional blockade to someone she didn't trust and BS as if everything was grand.

    Finally, I'm wondering if she actually is an INTJ (she tested as INTJ but hates the idea of putting people in boxes so she won't read the INFJ description). I was pretty sure she was an NF though, but maybe she's just a feeling-y INTJ like me.
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  6. #16
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    From my perspective I have to say INFJs always fail at Fe, but then again they lack Ne and Si. I was for a time more into the socionics descrption of the infj, which gives them Fi but nowadays I think their Fe is a mixture of Ni and Fe, like in the entp the Ti can come off as Te due to a mixture off Ne and Ti.

    Wow i cant believe i just wrote that lol
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  7. #17
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Is it possible she's just more comfortable on line than in person?

    What did you expect from her when you were de-winterizing? (just curious)

    What was her house like? Is she a neat freak?

  8. #18
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    Is it possible she's just more comfortable on line than in person?

    What did you expect from her when you were de-winterizing? (just curious)

    What was her house like? Is she a neat freak?
    I'm sure she's more comfortable online but she's also opened up a lot about herself in her office when I'd go to visit.

    I didn't have any expectations while de-winterizing, but I could see that she forgot that it would take me a minute so she sat there on her couch probably thinking in her mind, dammit, oops.

    Her house had soo much character. Every room was carefully and eclectically decorated. It was the kind of perfect-clean that an xNxJ would do for a first time guest (very clean and orderly where it matters, but she didn't care about the baby toys strewn along the basement like an xSxJ would for a first-time guest).
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

  9. #19
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Have you met her husband?

  10. #20
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    Only for 90 seconds or so. IxFJ sweetheart. I've met her mom and chatted with her for a little bit; her mom is a definite IxTx.
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

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