Being an xNFP for me is hard. Maybe it would be better, but I think I have the worst of all the traits. I am highly emotional, and change my mind with the wind. I also have self esteem issues and don't really like to do things for myself, I'd prefer doing stuff for others. I am also a pretty flakey person. I hate being tied down to a schedule and a lot of times I agree to do things that I don't really want to do, and rather than just doing them anyways I will avoid people and just not show up. Bad huh? I don't really let people in, and I am impossible to befriend, unless I REALLY like you, which isn't likely. I don't really trust people unless they prove themselves to me, which is extremely hard to do because I don't seem to give people much of a chance. I think I am conditioned to be this way though because I used to be over trusting and let people walk all over me a bit. Because I have no logical decision making center in my brain (no really, I think 100% with my emotions), I cannot keep a job, and because I change my mind so much and lose interest in things so often, I can't decide what I want to be "when I grow up". Therefore, my life kind of sucks. Or rather, I suck at life. I don't know how I am supposed to overcome these issues if they are just a part of who I am. Was I born to be a loser? I am only so incredibly lucky to have a nice husband who supports me in whatever venture I may decide to do, no matter how often I change my mind. He is my rock and my stability in life.
According to recent studies, emotion is part of decision-making in everyone.
Jonah Lehrer: Passions Of The Brain : NPR
Everyone uses it in this process to some degree:
Study: Emotion rules the brain's decisions - USATODAY.com
Bottom line: it's okay to be an emotional person. Emotion is not a bad thing and is not antithetical to intelligence or success. I'm still coming to grips with this, myself. You are not alone and it IS difficult to live up to the expectations that others have when you are different.
Self-esteem issues, on the other hand, can be very damaging to your
innate strengths and abilities. Avoidant behavior and distrust are self-sabotaging behaviors in the long run. I emphasize self sabotage because it is likely you have a lot to offer. Your inability or unwillingness to do things/make friends you don't want to is no measure of your potential as a person or friend.
If you are restless, maybe you need more stimulation at your job, or to find one that suits you better - I know this may be difficult in this economy, but think long term. Don't think of this as "growing up", which is intimidating, but give yourself a chance to explore what you are good at and what you like: take a class or two at a local college and see whether you can sustain interest in it. Or, if you are passionate about helping others, find a cause and volunteer in a capacity you can handle. Baby steps. Don't pressure yourself if it doesn't work out, but also apply yourself harder than you normally would; you need to put a lot in to get a lot out. A sense of accomplishment (finishing a class, doing a good job, getting recognition for your talents) does wonders for the self-esteem. You may never know your real abilities or the magnitude of your internal strength if you don't put yourself out there. It's cliche, but true.
If you get out there and do just one thing you like to do, you will meet people in a controlled setting. That is, you know when you will see them and can greatly control the amount of contact you have with them. Co-workers and classmates are easier to get to know on a gradual basis and, if it's not working out, cutting emotional ties and drifting away is not so hard. Also, there is an added bonus that they have goals (and possibly interests) in common with you. If you don't like to really let people in, talking about work, school, etc. can help you interact from a "safe" emotional distance until you get to know them better.
You don't have to think about big 'chances' to give people; almost always, this sets up unreasonable expectations. Find out the qualities you want in a close friend and what you want in a close friendship. Learn to look for these qualities in the people you meet and like; look at their existing friendships, how they talk about their friends, the way they respond to people in distress, etc. You can gradually let them know more about your internal self at your own pace as you feel comfortable. Just DON'T turn into a doormat again (or else how can you trust that they even like you) and DON'T feel bad about backing off from a person who consistently fails the little tests that every friendship has (note: consistently, everyone makes mistakes). Be yourself and don't compromise too much, or you will never trust anyone to like you for you even if you do make friendships work.
If you have social anxiety, are avoidant, have self esteem issues or codependency issues with your husband, etc., you can always join groups online to work through these things or even just to see how abnormal you aren't.
Trust me, you are not alone. Welcome to the madhouse.
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