Seriously, when I am around other people Fe kicks in and I can reflect off of what other people are doing and feeling, but when I am alone, there is quite simply nothing there. I think I used to have much more intense feelings when I was just entering my 20s, but as I thought back to it, I am not sure how many of them were genuine other then a general disgust for people in general and a longing to connect to someone. Other then that there wasn't really any "feelings" that I could realistically call my own.
I dont even feel those things any more though. Now its just like numbness like a robotic desire to accomplish things and do things, but nothing overtly emotional.
I am connected to an ENFJ girl right now who is clearly falling in love with me, and I like her and all that but when she isnt around me I don't feel anything about her. That's just the catalyst that sparked this for me. Its not really a fear, but it seems like there should be something there and quite simply there isn't.
I have been taking to drinking when I am alone and bored, not so much to escape, escape is easy enough for me... but in order to feel things. Unfortunately most of the things I end up "feeling" in this state are sadness and regrets, and guilt for not feeling things in general.
Is it possible for NFs as they age to begin to lose heart?
Ive noticed that I am also becoming exceedingly more logical and rigid in my J'ness, very disturbed by disorder and mess.
I think at the core is my Ni, which has always remained resolute as my primary mode of "being" and I know I was always sort of detached, but I am not sure how much of the things I have felt in the past were genuine or just reflections of my over emotive friends and family. As far back as I can remember I was detached, but these days its 10X worse. I am really trying to connect to this girl, but it just seems like there is nothing there, nothing good, nothing bad, just pros and cons... and I don't want to hurt anybody, I have enough regrets and guilt over all that...
I am having a very difficult time trying to explain this, I don't know if its normal or not, but I don't like that I reach into the pockets of my heart and I am only coming up with lint... its making it very hard for me to navigate through my life. Usually I base everything I do on an accord with my heart and what I believe are my feelings... of course that segues into my next issue
My lack of internalized feelings have led me to be easily manipulated by my ESFJ and ESFP family members and an 8 year stint with an ISFJ girlfriend... Well manipulated is a strong word, what they do isn't subtle... its obvious to me, but I was ok with giving in and going along with it because I didn't want to disappoint them, this lead me to being extremely self sacrificing, and I gave up a lot of stuff for a lot of people. Long story short I have cut them all out of my life for the most part and I don't allow them to control me any more. This has been met with a LOT of anger, regardless I am not interested in going back to the way things were because quite frankly, I am getting older and I need to accomplish more for myself and less for others.
This has given me loads of time to detox essentially from their feelings and controls they put into me for so many years, and what I am coming to realize is the stuff I was saying above, there isn't much of any native feeling there. Just a desire to not hurt people and not disappoint people, is this an INFJ thing?
I am just trying to make some sense of all this. Comments are appreciated.