[MBTI General] Losing my feelings I think...

[Billy]

Seriously, when I am around other people Fe kicks in and I can reflect off of what other people are doing and feeling, but when I am alone, there is quite simply nothing there. I think I used to have much more intense feelings when I was just entering my 20s, but as I thought back to it, I am not sure how many of them were genuine other then a general disgust for people in general and a longing to connect to someone. Other then that there wasn't really any "feelings" that I could realistically call my own.

I dont even feel those things any more though. Now its just like numbness like a robotic desire to accomplish things and do things, but nothing overtly emotional.

I am connected to an ENFJ girl right now who is clearly falling in love with me, and I like her and all that but when she isnt around me I don't feel anything about her. That's just the catalyst that sparked this for me. Its not really a fear, but it seems like there should be something there and quite simply there isn't.

I have been taking to drinking when I am alone and bored, not so much to escape, escape is easy enough for me... but in order to feel things. Unfortunately most of the things I end up "feeling" in this state are sadness and regrets, and guilt for not feeling things in general.

Is it possible for NFs as they age to begin to lose heart?

Ive noticed that I am also becoming exceedingly more logical and rigid in my J'ness, very disturbed by disorder and mess.

I think at the core is my Ni, which has always remained resolute as my primary mode of "being" and I know I was always sort of detached, but I am not sure how much of the things I have felt in the past were genuine or just reflections of my over emotive friends and family. As far back as I can remember I was detached, but these days its 10X worse. I am really trying to connect to this girl, but it just seems like there is nothing there, nothing good, nothing bad, just pros and cons... and I don't want to hurt anybody, I have enough regrets and guilt over all that...

I am having a very difficult time trying to explain this, I don't know if its normal or not, but I don't like that I reach into the pockets of my heart and I am only coming up with lint... its making it very hard for me to navigate through my life. Usually I base everything I do on an accord with my heart and what I believe are my feelings... of course that segues into my next issue

My lack of internalized feelings have led me to be easily manipulated by my ESFJ and ESFP family members and an 8 year stint with an ISFJ girlfriend... Well manipulated is a strong word, what they do isn't subtle... its obvious to me, but I was ok with giving in and going along with it because I didn't want to disappoint them, this lead me to being extremely self sacrificing, and I gave up a lot of stuff for a lot of people. Long story short I have cut them all out of my life for the most part and I don't allow them to control me any more. This has been met with a LOT of anger, regardless I am not interested in going back to the way things were because quite frankly, I am getting older and I need to accomplish more for myself and less for others.

This has given me loads of time to detox essentially from their feelings and controls they put into me for so many years, and what I am coming to realize is the stuff I was saying above, there isn't much of any native feeling there. Just a desire to not hurt people and not disappoint people, is this an INFJ thing?

I am just trying to make some sense of all this. Comments are appreciated.

 

[Giggly]

You can only feel love for those who treat you badly? Just throwing out a possiblity here.

 

[Billy]

You can only feel love for those who treat you badly? Just throwing out a possiblity here.

No not at all, I love my mother for example and my grandmother and they have always been very good to me, even if they didn't understand me.

 

[Giggly]

Fair enough. Maybe this woman just doesn't do it for you then, Billy. It happens.

 

[Billy]

Fair enough. Maybe this women just doesn't do it for you then, Billy. It happens.

Don't get hung up on just the girl, it isn't just the girl, its everything and everyone. I bring her up only because its one thing I can quantitatively discuss in terms of commonality with others. Other then a few key people (family really) I don't feel anything about anybody.

From every friend, to every girlfriend, I am pretty numb and I get involved with people and I experience emotions, only they're usually not *MY* emotions. When I try to think of feelings that I had that came from an internal source, I cant pin point any, or at least I am having great trouble in trying to.

Even when I lose people from my life, via my choice or theirs, its cold and precision. Like I have my hooks into them, they say they don't want me to be around them anymore, and I remove my hooks and move on, no problem, no heartache, no nothing. Just a "Oh, my bad, im outtie" kind of thing. If this is me suppressing painful emotions I am not doing it consciously, so I wouldn't know how to stop it... My fear is that in terms of INFJness, I am quite simply Ni/Fe and not much else.

What kind of person would that make? A roving sense of intellect and intuition with no internal emotive core, that seeks out others with feeling cores and attaches to them so it can feed on them... like some kind of emotional vampire... thats a scary thought.

 

[Giggly]

Don't get hung up on just the girl, it isn't just the girl, its everything and everyone. I bring her up only because its one thing I can quantitatively discuss in terms of commonality with others.

Who'd have ever thought that an INFJ would stop feeling? Consider it a challenge to start feeling again.

 

[Billy]

Who'd have ever thought that an INFJ would stop feeling? Consider it a challenge to start feeling again.

This is exactly what I am trying to do. I really dont know how to make myself feel things though.

 

[nomadic]

its cus ur getting used up.

its not just girls who can get used up. guys can too (well, emotionally at least)

in some ways i become an eggshell of what i used to be. and a lot of that has to do with giving the eggs and yolk away to past relationships.

so yes, guys can get used up too. just like girls do.

 

[Giggly]

This is exactly what I am trying to do. I really dont know how to make myself feel things though.

If you have a mother, grandmother, and girlfriend (am I allowed to call her that?) who is really nice to you, that's a good place to start. Start caring more about their happiness than your own.

If you find that you just can't trust women anymore, then try it with men (no homo - joke) or animals or children or by helping strangers in some way. You have to restore your empathy. It's an exercise.

 

[Billy]

If you have a mother, grandmother, and girlfriend (am I allowed to call her that?) who is really nice to you, that's a good place to start. Start caring more about their happiness than your own.

If you find that you just can't trust women anymore, then try it with men (no homo - joke) or animals or children or by helping strangers in some way. You have to restore your empathy. It's an exercise.

I don't think you are getting it, empathy isn't my problem.

 

[Giggly]

I don't think you are getting it, empathy isn't my problem.

What is it then?

edit: sorry I didn't see your edit above

 

[Gerbah]

what I am coming to realize is the stuff I was saying above, there isn't much of any native feeling there. Just a desire to not hurt people and not disappoint people, is this an INFJ thing?

I've been reading about object relations theory in relation to spirituality and getting in touch with your real self. I don't know if this would ring a bell in relation to your issues:

The author says that most people identify with their ego structure – ego structure being what you would consider your “personality”, the thing you typically identify as “I”. So most people, when they say “I” mean their personality. They think they are their personality. The thing is, according to the book, the personality is basically a set of mental constructs set up when one is a child in response to the environment and caregivers, e.g. the I is always defined in relation to an other, self-images and concepts are set up in order to deal with the anxiety you feel when you're little, e.g. to deal with the anxiety of separation a person might blow up their self-image as someone powerful in order not to deal with the reality of being a small, vulnerable person. When one sees through the identification it disappears because you see the truth it was covering up (this is usually painful because then you feel the thing you didn't want to feel in the first place, that you were defending against by how you constructed your ego). In this sense, one is not one's personality because a set of self-concepts, lots of which are inaccurate or false, has no tangible existence.

It's complicated to explain because the book's really long, and I don't want to make this post too long, but I basically wanted to say that maybe you can't locate your own feelings because you're identifying too much with an idea of yourself as someone who doesn't want to hurt or disappoint people. The book says that all (false/inaccurate) self-object identifications are always a defence against a reality that one doesn't want to feel or know. So maybe if you go behind the “desire to not hurt people and not disappoint people” and see what it's hiding, you'd be able to locate your own feelings?

Just a thought. I don't know if the above is very clear.

 

[Giggly]

Don't get hung up on just the girl, it isn't just the girl, its everything and everyone. I bring her up only because its one thing I can quantitatively discuss in terms of commonality with others. Other then a few key people (family really) I don't feel anything about anybody.

From every friend, to every girlfriend, I am pretty numb and I get involved with people and I experience emotions, only they're usually not *MY* emotions. When I try to think of feelings that I had that came from an internal source, I cant pin point any, or at least I am having great trouble in trying to.

Even when I lose people from my life, via my choice or theirs, its cold and precision. Like I have my hooks into them, they say they don't want me to be around them anymore, and I remove my hooks and move on, no problem, no heartache, no nothing. Just a "Oh, my bad, im outtie" kind of thing. If this is me suppressing painful emotions I am not doing it consciously, so I wouldn't know how to stop it... My fear is that in terms of INFJness, I am quite simply Ni/Fe and not much else.

What kind of person would that make? A roving sense of intellect and intuition with no internal emotive core, that seeks out others with feeling cores and attaches to them so it can feed on them... like some kind of emotional vampire... thats a scary thought.

Maybe you're just more selective now to who you open your heart to. Do you feel as if you've been meeting quality and trustworthy people?

 

[Snow Turtle]

I am connected to an ENFJ girl right now who is clearly falling in love with me, and I like her and all that but when she isnt around me I don't feel anything about her. That's just the catalyst that sparked this for me. Its not really a fear, but it seems like there should be something there and quite simply there isn't.

This is something that I've been experiencing. At least I'm uncertain if I should be feeling more or something, it doesn't help that the relationship is unbalanced in the sense that her feelings (physical actions) seem to be much more than mines. Objectively, the only thing I could sort of deduce from all of this is that I wanted to be around her when I told her that maybe we should stop interacting with each other so much in a particular manner (which instead lead to perceived reduced connection...)

General musings

I've no idea if my problems might be similar to yours, but I do identify with some of the navigating with logic rather than feelings. There are many reasons why emotions might have mellowed out. However the important thing is the consequences of having mellow emotions...

For me, this manifests as me never being certain about my own feelings. I have a tendenancy to second-guess myself alot, asking whether the things I feel and think are really coming from me or from some fear-based source.

As I can no longer trust emotions/gut feelings (they aren't strong enough as indicators) I instead rely on "Ti" - my logic gate to deduce what I'm meant to do in situations instead.

The feelings I usually feel aren't very intense, they are usually sadness, regret and in the worst case scenario: hopelessness. I still get the positive emotions when doing things with friends (so it sounds like I might be in a better position than you) but to others, it never seems like I'm over the moon if something good happens.

The reason I mellowed out my emotions was because I don't really like strong emotions, especially in regards to negative emotions such as anger. But by controlling them, it appears that I've managed to mellow out my other emotions, to the extent that all remains is these willo-o-wisps of sadnesses (that's the best I can describe it) and I've no idea on how to change it back.

I wouldn't say I'm completely sad that this is the way I am. I value the logical aspect of myself, it's really useful when it comes to be being objective and fair. However in the romantic sense, it's not a very good guidance.

Bottomline: Your feelings might still be there, but has been quietened down alot for protective reasons.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

From every friend, to every girlfriend, I am pretty numb and I get involved with people and I experience emotions, only they're usually not *MY* emotions. When I try to think of feelings that I had that came from an internal source, I cant pin point any, or at least I am having great trouble in trying to.

Even when I lose people from my life, via my choice or theirs, its cold and precision. Like I have my hooks into them, they say they don't want me to be around them anymore, and I remove my hooks and move on, no problem, no heartache, no nothing. Just a "Oh, my bad, im outtie" kind of thing. If this is me suppressing painful emotions I am not doing it consciously, so I wouldn't know how to stop it... My fear is that in terms of INFJness, I am quite simply Ni/Fe and not much else.

What kind of person would that make? A roving sense of intellect and intuition with no internal emotive core, that seeks out others with feeling cores and attaches to them so it can feed on them... like some kind of emotional vampire... thats a scary thought.

I hesitate to comment, because my impression of the posts of yours I've read suggests a complex personality and experience that is probably not easily summed up. A couple of themes I notice like your last sentence seems to be a focus on not hurting or disappointing people, but also some underlying distrust of the outcome of connecting with others (distrust both of self and others).

Having emotions shut-down can be subconscious. The possibilities as to why this happens are endless, so my understanding of that process might not apply in your situation, but here are a couple of thoughts regarding it. If there are underlying cognitive dissonances, sometimes the mind shuts off. To use an example, a person who feel a significant amount of anger towards someone (or a category of people), but also feels a great deal of care and responsibility towards them, might not be able to feel anything much because to trigger the feeling of caring also triggers the resentment. If there are protective feelings for the person which would fight to the death to protect them, but at the same time enough anger to desire harming them, it can be too much for the mind to process.

It can be helpful to find a safe arena to allow conflicting sets of thoughts/feelings to unfold. Writing is one place where a person can explore extremes of their inner world without consequence of causing harm or being harmed. Certain kinds of physical activity or sports help some because there are boundaries in place that allow the person to express a wide range of aggression.

I think it can also help to see the cause and effects that create who we are. Feeling deep anger doesn't mean the person is cruel. It means they feel violated as a result of their experience. Anything inside that is ugly, horrific, or that we fear is by nature reactionary. To let go of condemning self, but at the same time feeling empowered to rise above that reactionary mode is helpful for some to feel again. Whatever is inside is our starting point, but we can then take that and work to recreate ourselves to more closely align with our ideals.

 

[ubiquitous1]

I can relate to just about everything you have said. Although I really don't have any advice for you since I am pretty much the same place as you right now. However, I will tell you why I think this has happened to me, even though I have not figured out a way to connect with people again. For years, I put everyone else ahead of me because I felt guilty when I did things for me that I perceived would have a negative impact on those I love. This went on for too long though and I became a miserable resentful person. I didn’t like feeling this way, so I started to take care of and protect myself. Doing this however created an extreme inner conflict. The solution for me was to stop feeling, it was not a conscious decision it just happened. I think the only way I can do what is best for me is to stop connecting with other people, not consciously though, otherwise I will take care of other people first. I hope one day I will be able to have a balance, but I have not figured out how to yet.

 

[ubiquitous1]

If there are underlying cognitive dissonances, sometimes the mind shuts off.

Very good, much more eloquent than my rambling post.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

Very good, much more eloquent than my rambling post.

I really appreciated your post. I can relate in part to the theme of this thread, although it isn't a matter of no feeling. I usually end up deleting the details about it. It is confusing when you honestly love certain people, and understand why they caused hurt, and so saying anything negative instills guilt because it feels like a misrepresentation because there is no way to encapsulate the whole of it in words. Part of my issue is feeling distance from my family and having a handful of people I would really like to connect to as friends, but somehow just not quite being up to it. I have one person with whom I am deeply connected.

 

[Willywallywoo]

I agree that this matter can be complex.. and I also recognize alittle of this concept.
Without having a proper insight to your mind I can come up with a few ideas, though I am not sure if they would be right though.
For instance It could be that you are overloaded and emotionally strained, and your brain/subconcious shuts it off to protect you. Alas: too many conflicting emotions for instance.
What I have done that triggers a lot of emotions and definatly my own emotions is putting myself outside of my comfort zone. For instance: confronting a person who has wronged me, face to face. And not backing down. Another thing is asking for help- another non-comfort zone.

This has however been helpfull in a big degree to trigger out a sense of Fi, and got me in a major Fi-dom as of late.
I can be completely detached about so many things, and it bothers me to no end. But I can also see why I am there. And usually the answer I get back is that it has been too much. I rely on that a break, and putting myself more outside the comfort box may help. Not sure if this will help you though.. but this is atleast my own experience lol.

 

[monocycle]

I am right there with you. I just feel like I've slowly morphed into a jerk. I'm an asshole about everything. I'm not saying you're becoming a jerk (I hasten to add). I'm impatient about everything. I have no desire to hang out with my friends except for a VERY select few. Even with those select few, I find myself with a short-fuse. I get annoyed so easily with everything and everyone.

I know, I know, I'm not giving any meaningful advice.
I just wanted to let you know that I feel (irony) like I'm losing my feelings, too. At least the good ones, anyway. But we'll figure out.