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  1. #21
    violaine
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    Hmm, have you ever read anything about codependence? I hate to throw that word around loosely. (Also kind of hate to medicalize/dramatize something that can sometimes be a natural reaction in life), but it does sound similar to what you are describing... Specifically the trouble in pinpointing your own feelings and that others' feelings are so easily picked up on.

    It can be a pattern that develops very early and I would theorize can lead to feeling like one is running on empty after lengthy, difficult relationships as I believe you have mentioned before in several posts. Sometimes it takes a long while to rebound from those relationships if others have drained us dry emotionally. (A process in which we can often be unconsciously complicit :/.) It's like needing to refill our internal reservoir before being able to feel again.

    I would ease up on yourself if you are being hard on yourself/over-analyzing your reactions in relation to the person you are with too... that can get in the way of the flow of feelings. Having very feeling oriented conversations with someone or being bombarded with their feelings before you're ready can be a bit much. (Bleh!)

    I also think doing yoga/running can help a person get in touch with their core again if you don't already do that.

    Sorry, this is a shotgun spray of advice but perhaps something will stand out to you.

  2. #22
    Senior Member ubiquitous1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    I usually end up deleting the details about it. It is confusing when you honestly love certain people, and understand why they caused hurt, and so saying anything negative instills guilt because it feels like a misrepresentation because there is no way to encapsulate the whole of it in words.
    Yes, I am glad I am not the only one who does this. I should have said I stopped connecting with people on an emotional level, instead of I stopped feeling. I do feel, I just don't connect.

  3. #23
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    i hear you bringing up Ti as your foundation for making decisions right now. this is all well and good, it's a natural part of ifj development.

    whereas others have questioned your Fe, this is just Fe under serious stress. you're closed off, which makes it more difficult to open easily, quickly, naturally. it sounds like you've had some fucked up experiences, which have taught you some painful lessons.

    they key is using Ti to isolate what is important and get a little bit of support that you can count on. ifjs often feel the awful feeling of losing their senses of self, being knocked off-balance, imagining other people's experiences and not having anything grounding them to their own, tying them to their own subjective histories and long-term life learnings. it's a huge problem. Ti helps provide a more structured, compensating balancing agent so that we don't allow Fe to get too out of control, go down directions that are ultimately unhelpful for us (especially with abusive or manipulative family members, significant others, etc). but ultimately what has to adapt, thru strengthened Ti and more centered Fe is introverted perception. the way you see the world has to change in order for you to become a more open person, which lets all the feeling of the world, the shades and hues and colors of both the day and of night, seep in. i'm sure you know the feeling when you're on top of the world and feel open and everything just kind of flows into you and you can accept more contradiction, more ambiguity, more uncertainty bc you can see it for what it is better than you previously could, you can affirm it bc it contains everything, it contains all.

    getting the whole system back on track takes time, energy, investment, social support, luck, and hope. it takes some techniques to deal with disappointment, to re-center yourself when you feel out of balance, meditation is good, exercise is good, just building yourself up in whatever ways you can, supporting and strengthening yourself, finding more accurate ways to understand yourself, etc.

    i think with Fe the feelings are always supplied by the moment, by feeling the gesture and the context. understanding how the gesture relates to the moment, you, her, etc. Ti is what helps ground me in relationships, but this is an age-old question for Fe users. you do see many Fe users who fit sanveane's co-dependent description to a T, and then you see others who just cannot shake these doubts (bc love is soooo portrayed as Fi in all forms of media). for me Fe lets feeling flow thru me, it makes me receptive of all emotional experiences around me, my ears perk up and i hear them, Fi is more internal and its opening up process comes from the inside out, you see them glowing when they're perfect, they have little halos, etc, there's is supplied internally from their stored experiences, judgments, etc and ours is externally by the moment/environment/world around us. we need to connect with others to get to this state of being, but in order to do that we have to be more confident, balanced, etc in order to pry ourselves open and let the world in. it is extra difficult if we have been burned, and are afraid of biting off more than we can chew.

  4. #24
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    I can relate to pretty much everything. I will refrain from revealing too much about my own situation at the moment (for reasons I will not disclose), but unlike you, I've always been that way since adolescence. Although I can connect with people when I'm physically around them, I don't feel a connection with them when I'm not. Sometimes it scares me how detached I am from other people. I can read them like a book, but I'm not interested in forming any lasting bond with them once I feel "we've gone far enough together."

    I also do not trust most people. Since I'm such a people pleaser, I let people take advantage of me often (especially when I was younger). I remember when I was in elementary school, more than one person would call me up to give them homework answers, and I acquiesced to their wishes. I just figured that's how the world works: people see you're good at something, and will try to exploit it for their self-interests in the guise of friendship. I retaliate by cutting them out of my life, and I don't feel any remorse for it.

  5. #25
    Senior Member FeatheredFrenzy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by firstjudge View Post
    I remember when I was in elementary school, more than one person would call me up to give them homework answers, and I acquiesced to their wishes. I just figured that's how the world works: people see you're good at something, and will try to exploit it for their self-interests
    Are you sure you're not an ISFJ? This kind of thing is happening to me endlessly. I've even gotten into the habit of hiding my grades from classmates. "How'd you do on the test?" Response: "...fine." This semester I had no less than 7 or 8 people coming to me regularly, asking me how I answered this or that, sometimes mid-exam. It was really getting out of hand. While it was nice to have made so many friendly acquaintances, I'm relieved the class is over. Sometimes I think my friends and family are doing this to me also. Yesterday, I had to have a long convo with my mom's phone company. Today, I'm revising my friend's grad school essay. Next week, I'm giving my cousin driving lessons while going off to visit my mom.

  6. #26
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    It's normal for anyone with a strong Fe function to do "too much" for others and get taken advantage of because Fe is essentially empathy incarnate. It looks at others, determines how they're feeling, then simulates those feelings in the "user". So if you're alone with someone who's feeling depressed and your Fe is active then you're going to start feeling depressed yourself and, naturally, you'll do everything you can to cheer that person up because it'll cheer you up.

    Also, the fact that Fe is an extroverted function helps to explain why there seem to be a lot of xxFJs here saying that they feel disconnected from people when they're not in their presence (though this would likely be different if they knew or thought they knew how someone out of contact with them was feeling - ie. learning from someone else that a friend's house burned down/parent died, abuse victim on news story, starving children in Africa on infomercial, etc.). Extroverted functions depend on external influences to operate, so being alone isn't likely to arouse any feeling of attachment to someone for people with a strong Fe because there's no one there to "latch on to".

  7. #27
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    ifjs, who are only auxilary Fe so they are less resilient, solid, and assertive with Fe generally. you can see a big difference between advanced ifj Fe and weaker more stunted Fe. for balance ifjs need some Ti to keep them on track, or they won't be able to deal with conflict, they'll lose their way/center all the time, etc. its' embarrassing.

  8. #28
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    I recently have been in a very similar experience. I slowly shut down my emotional side, because my emotions were so deep, and it was SO easy for me to be hurt. My ISTP husband did not nurture my emotions well, and it was a subconscious choice for me to just become jaded and bitter and shut things off. I am recently discovering that by doing this I have become extremely depressed and feel dead inside. By finding out my type I have figured out that it's OK to be an emotional person, and there's nothign wrong with it, but I need to learn how to deal with my emotions in a healthy way.

  9. #29
    Senior Member Neutralpov's Avatar
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    Red face The NF "let-down"

    I think this situation is somewhat cyclical for NFs. Being an ENFJ I understood you somewhat. Here is what I can find that explains when I have felt to a lesser degree what you describe.

    Btw this post is copied and realist is SP. It is about NF Sp relations:

    "The EMPATHIST burns out periodically and goes through a low-energy recovery cycle until that intuitive fire is rekindled. The REALIST may just quit doing whatever when the impulse fades. Then the REALIST goes off and does something else.

    One difference is that the EMPATHIST may be a miserable creature during the slack period feeling guilty, useless, without value, creativity or merit. Alas! The muse is gone! The EMPATHIST may blame others for the inertia, get sick, become morbid o r depressed, complain, make excuses, eat too much, or engage in other varieties of self-destructive behavior.

    Most EMPATHISTs don't know how to separate their identities from their mission in life, and few EMPATHISTs share the REALIST's concept of WORK AND PLAY. "



    Hope that helps. Also you sure you aren't an ENFJ? We get this losing self when we are waaaay to externally focused. Join the club.
    Extroverted (E) 67.74% Introverted (I) 32.26%
    Intuitive (N) 51.72% Sensing (S) 48.28%
    Feeling (F) 51.61% Thinking (T) 48.39%
    Judging (J) 69.44% Perceiving (P) 30.56%

    Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
    so/sx/sp

  10. #30
    Crazy Diamond Billy's Avatar
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    Heh this thread is a little dated now.

    Essentially the news from here is good and bad...

    Good in that I have been able to break through a lot of my walls and level off emotioanlly. Even if its less "feely" then it ever was I think I am just cooling emotionally a little bit.

    I think I am actually approaching a lot of things with more Ti and Te now then anything else, relationships as well... although now and again there will be something or someone who hangs me up for a minute and confuses me until I get over it and move on.

    I feel less like a person and more like an entity, its weird, I am less emotive and less emotional in general but I have this insatiable drive to meet new people and be as social as possible which is stark contrast to my life to now.

    It took me until I was damn near 30 to get to this point, its an odd plateau right now, but things are going well essentially, money is much more abundant, I can combat the loneliness by going out and meeting new people or drawing people to me.

    I like all the changes I am going through, except maybe the cooling off... things just don't nail my heart the way they were before. Its so easy to lose myself in Ti now though, figure things out and how to draw out the effects I want.
    Ground control to Major Tom

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