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  1. #11
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OneWithSoul View Post
    I'm 17, and I'm getting out into the world. I spend a little less time at home each month. The demands of school, sports, music, a job, and friends, and I'm always busy. I've got one parent, and as I soar, he sinks.

    He's been really distant lately and I just brought it up, out anger more or less, and he told me straight up what he thought. He told me I was, in one way or another, already moving out, and that I'm already gone. He told me I don't care about what happens to the family, and that I'm only focusing on myself. And he surrendered and said he needs to just let go...and that broke my heart.

    So here I am, after walking silently up the stairs after our "talk", posting a very emotional thread on TypoCentral.

    Is it me? Am I being selfish? Should I focus less on the stuff I'm doing and drop back to support the emotional and physical needs of my family?

    I feel like he's emotionally detaching himself from me. We've always had the closest bond in the world, and I feel like apart of my soul is broken when I know I don't have his support anymore.

    edit:

    I know this sounds wicked corny to say, but I really kind of wish he would be proud of me. Proud of me that I do my homework every night, maintain good grades, have a passion for music, sports, and work a very demanding job. I feel like the only way he'd be truly happy was if I didn't to these things. But I love doing them, and I love my friends, and I love having freedom, and responsibility, but they don't seem to fit in the same box.
    No, you're not being selfish at all. It sounds like he's missing you, mostly. The detachment has unfortunate effects on your current relationship. He probably feels as though he needs you in some way. Just let him know that this is what you need right now and try to be attentive to his emotional needs as well. I'm sure that the reason he doesn't feel pride right now is because he's just sad that he doesn't get to spend as much time with you. People say mean things when they are hurt, to the ones they love the most. That is a fact. Let him know that you love him and try to set aside a night every week for the family.

    I think that it is very normal and healthy for someone your age to want to get out and do all the things that you are doing, and you shouldn't have to worry about your family right now, you should be worried about finding your place in the world and still at the same time, being a kid! And of course you can still love your family at the same time!
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

  2. #12
    man-made neptunesnet's Avatar
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    Oh yeah. That makes perfect sense.

    I'd say regard Night's first post. It really hits the nail on the head:

    Quote Originally Posted by Night View Post
    It's about him redefining his identity, with you as a developing adult.

    Not at all about you as an individual. It's about him as a single parent. Take heart, Soul.

    Life is change. This too shall pass.

  3. #13
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Night View Post
    It's part of life.

    It's how he copes with existential anxiety. His role in life is shifting; he's going to need some time to put things back together.

    It might make things awkward for awhile. I promise you that his transition is impermanent. It's a big deal because he cares for you. If he didn't, you wouldn't notice.

    Be patient with him. Life can be confusing.
    This is good advice, too. It's not your responsibility to make your father happy with your new, (and normal) lifestyle. He will work through it in time on his own and adjust.
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

  4. #14
    Senior Member milkyway2's Avatar
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    Yep me and my mom are the same SAAAAME way.

  5. #15
    Allergic to Mornings ergophobe's Avatar
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    Continue to follow your passions and soar! You owe that to yourself and your dad who has likely worked hard to provide you with many opportunities, even if he can't see that right now. Parents are human too - sometimes selfish and sometimes selfless. You can't take responsibility for your father's feelings. As Night said, your dad will get through this transition and he needs to do that for himself. As he redefines his identity and finds other passions to pursue, he'll be more comfortable appreciating yours. Don't let that take away from your achievements. Be your own best cheerleader!

    Be patient with him, involve him or inform him of as much as you can so he feels like he's a part of your new and ever growing life. In time, he'll understand that he'll always be a part of it.

    Did your dad have some concrete things that he wished you would do? More chores around the house or an activity you both shared? Could you incorporate some of this into your weekly or monthly routine?

  6. #16
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Yep Night and Neptune summed it up.

    I'm feeling like T parents have a little easier time -- we detach naturally anyway and see the reality of our children become adults and so we just accept it no matter how we feel. It's a natural process apart from our identity as individuals.

    I can only imagine what an FP parent might go through... and your dad is single .There's a story there, I'm sure, and it plays a part in things.

    i would say to remember two things:

    1. Your leaving home is NATURAL and should involve no guilt, you're about ready to enter the real world. That is your task right now, to individuate and become independent. Do what you need to do, to become an adult. It's not your job to be a second parent.

    2. Your dad is human too. He loves you, you're like him, and he's dying inside because you're leaving. Just respect that he is experiencing pain, even if he is making some mistakes. Detachment is a typical reaction to unwanted but inevitable change, and partly it's to protect YOU ... not just him... because otherwise it might go in the direction of anger, and he doesn't want to say things that hurt you or burden you.

    Just as it's unfair for him to expect you to stay home and not change and grow up, it's unfair for you to expect him to take everything in stride and remain just as close to you without any struggle. He's only human. Both of you need to flex. He needs to hear that you love him as much as you want to hear that he loves you.

    Quote Originally Posted by ergophobe
    Be patient with him, involve him or inform him of as much as you can so he feels like he's a part of your new and ever growing life. In time, he'll understand that he'll always be a part of it.
    yes. Stuff like that. Reaffirm you still love him, even while refusing to inhibit yourself. If you were close, he'll figure it out.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  7. #17
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    OK I'm no expert but I'll share my perspective on this.

    If it had been me in your dad's place saying those things, it would have not been meant to hurt you, or even to criticise you. Those things would have tumbled out of my mouth as I tried to make sense of my conflicting emotions.

    I personally have had a lot of tough times in relationships because I would say things that hurt another person without realising it hurt them, then, with my emotions said, I would feel like everything's better now. But the recipient would be hurt and would take what I had said more seriously than I ever meant them to.

    You say that you confronted your dad "out of anger more or less" so I imagine it was an emotionally charged exchange that he handled badly.

    There's no way around this situation being tough. It's just a painful part of nature's cycle, like childbirth, to experience this separation from your parents, and it must be hard for both. But as you grow and become fully an adult you will more and more realize that adults are pretty much as vulnerable and fallible as anyone else.

    Try to read between your dad's actual words to the emotional motivation for them. He feels pain, which comes from his love. His expression of his pain might have come out in an accusatory way, but it's not down to you to fix it.

    Let him know from time to time what you appreciate about him, that will be one step towards relating to him as a peer.

    Hope this is some help.

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