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  1. #1
    Senior Member Malkavia's Avatar
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    Default ENFJ and True Friendships

    Ok ENFJs,

    How closed up are you? Sure you have tons of friends because your charming and charismatic, but how many FRIENDS do you have? You know, the ones that are like family to you and you would stand by forever.

    I admit that I have tons of normal friendships and I only have one or two truly deep, incredible friendships. I thought I was pretty bad about letting people see the real me but the ENFJs Ive met have been way worse.

    The one Im closest to seems like an open book, but its a trick. He has tons of opinions which fools people into thinking he is talking about himself, when in actuality he never opens up about personal things.

    So what about you other ENFJs?

  2. #2
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    My ENFP twin is so open about herself (not talkative about herself, which is different) that it causes me to wince sometimes, not because she's unreasonable or ridiculous, but because she's naturally able to live so close to the surface of things that I can't even begin to imagine living that way. Her confessional nature, to me, seems so strong and adaptive, while I maintain the borders of my fortifications with strict discipline. I'm not false with people or "acting", but I do find I put some sort of space between me and others.

    I have a lot of friendly acquaintances, a narrow spectrum of close friends, then only a handful of very close friends. And then there's my twin, who's the closest anyone's ever gotten to me. She knows things about me that I would be mortified if anyone knew. I don't know why I can't get out with myself like she can, but the phenomenon you speak of isn't a figment of your imagination. It's very real and a constant daily occurrence.

    The only way I can see defeating this mechanism is to have a natural, almost ambush capacity to catch me with my pants down, so to speak. Even then, I may not go without a fight.

    My twin says my wedding will resemble a love kumite. lol Dear me. How true.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  3. #3
    Senior Member Malkavia's Avatar
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    How I ironic, my ENFJ best friend has a twin. He's INTJ and I talked to him one day about the ENFJ. His twin said he never opens up to him about anything - especially when its about the ENFJs flaws or fears. I found this odd because they are twins, get along very well, and I would consider them very close.

    Is there a way that you CAN get close to an ENFJ and let them know that its ok to put their guard down? I would assume it would just take time, but these twins have been together for 21 years :P

  4. #4
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    I can be as open with my sister as I am because a very long time ago we'd decided that pulling punches and being as diplomatic as possible in spats was our prime goal - like not using an argument as an excuse to hit below the belt. When it comes down to it, I can trust Jaye not to hurt me, or to try to hurt me, when I'm in a vulnerable state, and vice versa. It's very very easy to crush me once my walls have been breached, so I feel like they are there for a reason - to shield me from unscrupulous or diseased people. Jaye is soft on the outside, but if you bite down, you'll break your teeth.

    My level of openness with her has spoiled me - I don't have the same transparency with others, nor do I know many people with that level of transparency at ALL.

    She doesn't judge me. Not to say that we haven't had our bloody rows, but the ultimate goal is to not do damage. It's to sort out whatever is wrong and move on. Then again, it's difficult being cloaked with someone who literally came into being at the same moment I did.

    I have an ENFJ male friend and I know it's hard for him to lower his shields, even around people he knows and likes.

    Male twins may have more difficulty (male vs female) due to social conditioning.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  5. #5
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Default

    I have about 4 of those friends, but i open up to all of them in different ways face-to-face.
    It's also why i have a livejournal that they have access to. I will easily open up there and welcome questioning from them or deducing their own opinions, but i prefer not to bring everything about myself to the table with people who won't really grasp my intensity or thoughts.
    What it's come down to in my life is not who completely understands me, but who can accept me. That is only a little more feasible. If i come across some real understanding then i view that as my bonus round and i've only come across one person who gets it so far.

    It takes reassurance and interest to keep us going, i think. I would imagine that a lot of ENFJ's have felt isolated because of their inner-workings for years and that other people haven't embraced it about them.
    Also, i am an open book, but i fail to share my fears and emotions often (unless i am in a certain mood) because my main incentive isn't to 'burden' other people with myself, but to take their burdens into consideration. I frequently use my own as examples, but i only look at them as examples, typically detaching the emotional/personal aspects.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Robert165's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Malkavia View Post
    Ok ENFJs,

    How closed up are you? Sure you have tons of friends because your charming and charismatic, but how many FRIENDS do you have? You know, the ones that are like family to you and you would stand by forever.

    I admit that I have tons of normal friendships and I only have one or two truly deep, incredible friendships. I thought I was pretty bad about letting people see the real me but the ENFJs Ive met have been way worse.

    The one Im closest to seems like an open book, but its a trick. He has tons of opinions which fools people into thinking he is talking about himself, when in actuality he never opens up about personal things.

    So what about you other ENFJs?
    dont have many friends
    2 very close freinds and a few other "people i know"
    thats largely due to mental illness, bipolar
    i am friendly
    but being unemployed and a bitt "odd" makes it hard to make freinds

    used to have more freinds in the past i guess, when i was more active
    also used to be very "open"
    as i grow older i get more private
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/robert165/

    I'm just trying to do this Jigsaw puzzle, before it rains anymore.

  7. #7
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unkindloving View Post
    I have about 4 of those friends, but i open up to all of them in different ways face-to-face.
    It's also why i have a livejournal that they have access to. I will easily open up there and welcome questioning from them or deducing their own opinions, but i prefer not to bring everything about myself to the table with people who won't really grasp my intensity or thoughts.
    What it's come down to in my life is not who completely understands me, but who can accept me. That is only a little more feasible. If i come across some real understanding then i view that as my bonus round and i've only come across one person who gets it so far.

    It takes reassurance and interest to keep us going, i think. I would imagine that a lot of ENFJ's have felt isolated because of their inner-workings for years and that other people haven't embraced it about them.
    Also, i am an open book, but i fail to share my fears and emotions often (unless i am in a certain mood) because my main incentive isn't to 'burden' other people with myself, but to take their burdens into consideration. I frequently use my own as examples, but i only look at them as examples, typically detaching the emotional/personal aspects.
    +1

    Protean said something not long ago about ENFJs having "waiting rooms" where everyone can party down and mingle and get to know the group and the host, but then there's the door marked "Private" where only a few from the waiting room are admitted. She said something too about everything behind that door being what we really are at our core, the good, the bad and the ugly. We share that need for personal privacy with INFJs.

    Any attempt to push past that door without my permission gets met with open hostility and eviction from the premises. I've had guys try that maneuver with me and then wondered why I burned their ship to the waterline.

    I keep my inner world sequestered because I realized that it wouldn't live for long in the "real world" without my protection, and also because I had grown wary (and disheartened, even angered) by being constantly told to "calm down" or rein myself in even when I wasn't being "wild". I took that to mean that my intensity was a bad thing so I tried to hide it or contain it, but it only taught me to withdraw from Outsiders, like I couldn't trust them. I take harsh criticism personally (i.e. I internalize it) even the bad stuff that has no true bearing on me as a person (i.e. is malignant and only meant to harm me), so I have to control my borders tightly.

    My intensity has been treated as problematic. Not that I'm going to alter myself. It is what it is.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  8. #8
    Striving for balance Little Linguist's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Malkavia View Post
    Ok ENFJs,

    How closed up are you? Sure you have tons of friends because your charming and charismatic, but how many FRIENDS do you have? You know, the ones that are like family to you and you would stand by forever.

    I admit that I have tons of normal friendships and I only have one or two truly deep, incredible friendships. I thought I was pretty bad about letting people see the real me but the ENFJs Ive met have been way worse.

    The one Im closest to seems like an open book, but its a trick. He has tons of opinions which fools people into thinking he is talking about himself, when in actuality he never opens up about personal things.

    So what about you other ENFJs?
    I know a whole lot of people....I have about....hmmm....(mentally counting) 1...2...3 friends and about 5 people I enjoy hanging out with....But I am definitely extraverted.

    The problem is that I can only be friends with people I can really relate to on a deeper level, and that is hardly ever the case. So I hang out with people, but I am not really vested in it....
    If you are interested in language, words, linguistics, or foreign languages, check out my blog and read, post, and/or share.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Malkavia's Avatar
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    Default

    Well I'm ENFP and we definitely are able to handle each other's intensity.

    That's a lot of great advice, just accepting ENFJs for who they are.

    It is going to be different because I'm male, and my friend is male, but do ENFJs ever want (or need) reassurance? Even more specifically open, spoken reassurance that I think they're pretty much bad ass and accept them for who they are? (spoken in our own quirky friendship way, of course)

  10. #10
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Is he aware of your feelings?
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

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