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  1. #1
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    Default Grass is ALWAYS greener

    So this is my first original post on this site, but I have been reading for about a month now and I've found you all to give some of the best advice to my fellow, often lost ENFPs. I am hoping you all can offer me some insight.

    I am definitely a strong Enneagram 2 so I found myself pursuing charity jobs after graduation. I was particularly inclined to international charity work because of my time studying int'l relations abroad and seeing how easy we have it in the US compared to others. It's actually sickening. I don't see how I could live not offering some kind of help. I also wanted a job where I could get adventure ( I am also a strong Ennegram 7) and travel. I NEED travel in my life.

    So I am now working for an amazing international charity. You change children's lives forever, which makes you feel like you are living for more than a paycheck. Also, in the last 2 years my job has taken me to three different countries and a handful of big cities in the US I had not yet had the opportunity to visit. Another plus is that everyone I work with is conflict free- such a blessing for an ENFP. There are some small downfalls though, like me having to bartend still on Sat nights to keep up my lifestyle. Charity works doesn't pay very good. Definitely couldn't support a family on this paycheck!

    But here is the big problem for which I'm seeking your help. This job is in my hometown and I am dying to experience living somewhere else on my own, away from everyone's preconceived notions of me and away from my family (they are great I just want to see if I can be totally independent). I'd like to go live in a big city, like Austin, Dallas, DC, San Fransisco, etc. Or I'd like to go live in another country and finally become fluent in a second language. However, I'd be leaving a totally amazing job. I may never be able to find one even as close to as good as this one IN THIS AREA if I chose to come back here to be close to my family.

    Why can't I just accept that I have a great life here? Why am I always seeking change and something better? I feel like I will always have an excuse to move even when what I have here is exactly what I want. If I was off abroad, I'd probably wish I could be back in the US just traveling occassionally as I do now. If I was in a big city going to grad school (if i could finally pick a subject), I may be discouraged or lonely. I'm afraid I am going to turn into one of my older ENFP friends I met when I was bartending who moves to a different city every 2 years. She's now 35 and hates that she has no one stable in her life and no family.

    Should I just go for it now and move while I'm semi-young or should I not set myself up for constant unwavering pattern of looking for greener grass?
    What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.

  2. #2
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceRobin View Post
    So this is my first original post on this site, but I have been reading for about a month now and I've found you all to give some of the best advice to my fellow, often lost ENFPs. I am hoping you all can offer me some insight.

    I am definitely a strong Enneagram 2 so I found myself pursuing charity jobs after graduation. I was particularly inclined to international charity work because of my time studying int'l relations abroad and seeing how easy we have it in the US compared to others. It's actually sickening. I don't see how I could live not offering some kind of help. I also wanted a job where I could get adventure ( I am also a strong Ennegram 7) and travel. I NEED travel in my life.

    So I am now working for an amazing international charity. You change children's lives forever, which makes you feel like you are living for more than a paycheck. Also, in the last 2 years my job has taken me to three different countries and a handful of big cities in the US I had not yet had the opportunity to visit. Another plus is that everyone I work with is conflict free- such a blessing for an ENFP. There are some small downfalls though, like me having to bartend still on Sat nights to keep up my lifestyle. Charity works doesn't pay very good. Definitely couldn't support a family on this paycheck!

    But here is the big problem for which I'm seeking your help. This job is in my hometown and I am dying to experience living somewhere else on my own, away from everyone's preconceived notions of me and away from my family (they are great I just want to see if I can be totally independent). I'd like to go live in a big city, like Austin, Dallas, DC, San Fransisco, etc. Or I'd like to go live in another country and finally become fluent in a second language. However, I'd be leaving a totally amazing job. I may never be able to find one even as close to as good as this one IN THIS AREA if I chose to come back here to be close to my family.

    Why can't I just accept that I have a great life here? Why am I always seeking change and something better? I feel like I will always have an excuse to move even when what I have here is exactly what I want. If I was off abroad, I'd probably wish I could be back in the US just traveling occassionally as I do now. If I was in a big city going to grad school (if i could finally pick a subject), I may be discouraged or lonely. I'm afraid I am going to turn into one of my older ENFP friends I met when I was bartending who moves to a different city every 2 years. She's now 35 and hates that she has no one stable in her life and no family.

    Should I just go for it now and move while I'm semi-young or should I not set myself up for constant unwavering pattern of looking for greener grass?
    You suffer from strong NF idyllicism, in my opinion.

    I am no expert, but two people very close to me (INFJ/ENFJ) share exactly the same types of thoughts as you have described.

    A couple of persepctives to consider.
    (1) Nothing risked, nothing gained.

    (2) A rolling stone gathers no moss.

    (3) Make strategic moves, don't move in the hopes of finding a better strategy just out of having new surroundings.

    (4) Build your network, your support system, as you embark on the various journeys of your life. I have done so, and I can safely say that if I moved to any region/metropolis of the U.S., chances are I'd know at least one person who I have good rapport with, and who I could call on to help me start my life there.

    (5) Don't ever go to graduate school just to go. Go into a graduate program that you know you will be exercising your best efforts into because you have worked enough to realize that you will be involved with that area of study/work/expertise in some capacity for an extended period of your life, because you personally identify with it.

    There is something to be said for moving to a place away from where you grew up. I'm an Army brat, so I did that all my life. I had to choose a place to settle down and call home! When you start out in a new town, you are who you define yourself to be from day 1 of your journey. At home, there are always pre-conceptions about you, expectations of you, past events, good and bad, that in some way define you to others, whether it is intentional or not.

    If you have a good job, then stick with it until you find a MUCH better job. We are in a RECESSION. My wife is a very talented person and her last job ended in May. She has yet to find a new one. If you are going to move, go to an urban area with low unemplyment and a diverse economy. D.C. is a great choice. I lived there for 9 years total. Lots and lots of jobs there. High cost of living but good pay.

    What do you want to do in life?
    Why?
    How do you plan to accomplish it?
    Where do you want to be in 5 years, 10 years, 20?
    What do you need to do to get there?

    For an idyllic, I implore you to take stock of your HERE AND NOW, and to identify THE GOOD THINGS you have NOW. Do not let your future planning/fantasizing/hopes and aspirations talk you out of enjoying the good you have in your life right now, because you can lose it if you don't maintain it. Just my .02, as a person that has seen and lived through these thoughts with others...

    Good luck to you!!!



    -Halla

    P.S. My hairstylist, Nikki, gave me a great quote that is in line with the title of this thread. It goes:

    "Do you know why the grass is always greener on the other side of the pasture? It's because there is alot of SHIT over there." :yim_rolling_on_the_ <funny, but sooo true!>
    --------------------
    Type Stats:
    MBTI -> (E) 77.14% | (i) 22.86% ; (S) 60% | (n) 40% ; (T) 72.22% | (f) 27.78% ; (P) 51.43% | (j) 48.57%
    BIG 5 -> Extroversion 77% ; Accommodation 60% ; Orderliness 62% ; Emotional Stability 64% ; Open Mindedness 74%

    Quotes:
    "If somebody asks your MBTI type on a first date, run". -Donna Cecilia
    "Enneagram is psychological underpinnings. Cognitive Functions are mental reasoning and perceptional processes. -Sanjuro

  3. #3
    Senior Member Clonester's Avatar
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    Sometimes I like change for the sake of change, even if I know deep down inside the grass ISN'T greener. But like Halla said, by being smart about it you can maneuver things to your advantage.
    ENFP Male: E-74% N-95% F-58% P-84% 3w2
    "I feel there are two people inside me - me and my intuition. If I go against her, she'll screw me every time, and if I follow her, we get along quite nicely." -Kim Basinger

  4. #4
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    i know it's a feeling of never thinking you'll be content. it makes me sad kinda...i want to feel the things i have are enough but i'm so thirsty for new experiences...it's a sickness...i'm not sure there is ever a "perfect" scenario but i can't help but to search for it...the answer may be to set your life up so that you have a definite homebase and job/friends that comfort and inspire you but are able to travel and experience bits of another life...i think we "need" both more than maybe some other types...or...you could just do it...you'll always land on your feet and life "should" be an adventure...shouldn't it?
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceRobin View Post
    So this is my first original post on this site, but I have been reading for about a month now and I've found you all to give some of the best advice to my fellow, often lost ENFPs. I am hoping you all can offer me some insight.

    I am definitely a strong Enneagram 2 so I found myself pursuing charity jobs after graduation. I was particularly inclined to international charity work because of my time studying int'l relations abroad and seeing how easy we have it in the US compared to others. It's actually sickening. I don't see how I could live not offering some kind of help. I also wanted a job where I could get adventure ( I am also a strong Ennegram 7) and travel. I NEED travel in my life.

    So I am now working for an amazing international charity. You change children's lives forever, which makes you feel like you are living for more than a paycheck. Also, in the last 2 years my job has taken me to three different countries and a handful of big cities in the US I had not yet had the opportunity to visit. Another plus is that everyone I work with is conflict free- such a blessing for an ENFP. There are some small downfalls though, like me having to bartend still on Sat nights to keep up my lifestyle. Charity works doesn't pay very good. Definitely couldn't support a family on this paycheck!

    But here is the big problem for which I'm seeking your help. This job is in my hometown and I am dying to experience living somewhere else on my own, away from everyone's preconceived notions of me and away from my family (they are great I just want to see if I can be totally independent). I'd like to go live in a big city, like Austin, Dallas, DC, San Fransisco, etc. Or I'd like to go live in another country and finally become fluent in a second language. However, I'd be leaving a totally amazing job. I may never be able to find one even as close to as good as this one IN THIS AREA if I chose to come back here to be close to my family.

    Why can't I just accept that I have a great life here? Why am I always seeking change and something better? I feel like I will always have an excuse to move even when what I have here is exactly what I want. If I was off abroad, I'd probably wish I could be back in the US just traveling occassionally as I do now. If I was in a big city going to grad school (if i could finally pick a subject), I may be discouraged or lonely. I'm afraid I am going to turn into one of my older ENFP friends I met when I was bartending who moves to a different city every 2 years. She's now 35 and hates that she has no one stable in her life and no family.

    Should I just go for it now and move while I'm semi-young or should I not set myself up for constant unwavering pattern of looking for greener grass?

    Go for it now while you're young to get the experience. Instead of setting you up for a "constant unwavering pattern of looking for greener grass" you may be happy the first place you stop, or develop a greater appreciation for where you currently live. There's nothing wrong with wanting to explore the world.

  6. #6
    Senior Member seamaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halla74 View Post

    For an idyllic, I implore you to take stock of your HERE AND NOW, and to identify THE GOOD THINGS you have NOW. Do not let your future planning/fantasizing/hopes and aspirations talk you out of enjoying the good you have in your life right now, because you can lose it if you don't maintain it.

    So so true!!! This is pure gold SP advice for us Ns. Gonna tattoo this one on me.

  7. #7
    Senior Member LostInNerSpace's Avatar
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    The grass is definately greener from where I'm standing. What good things? List them.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    Go for it now while you're young to get the experience. Instead of setting you up for a "constant unwavering pattern of looking for greener grass" you may be happy the first place you stop, or develop a greater appreciation for where you currently live. There's nothing wrong with wanting to explore the world.
    I agree with going for it now. If your intuition is telling you that you need to go, you should go. In my mind it's not a matter of the grass being greener. It's a matter of knowing that you want to begin a life for yourself. You don't have to have all the answers to what lies ahead. It's enough to know that you need to do it. I left my home town when I was 26--I knew that I needed to start my own life away from my family, and that a career or life that was true for me could not exist in that place. Even if you meet a dead end in one place, another opportunity will open up for you. I find it always works this way once you begin to follow your heart.

  9. #9
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    Thank you all for your help!! It really means a lot when people read my post and take the time to respond thoughtfully. It has been very helpful to hear others thoughts on my situtation. What really resinated:

    (3) Make strategic moves, don't move in the hopes of finding a better strategy just out of having new surroundings.

    Even though this make more sense than anything to me and makes me apprehensive to move, I still want to go :/

    I've thought a lot about it and I really think I want to move out the country. Yes, I will be leaving a great job and amazing family, but I can always come back home and teach, which is another career path that will be easy to get into to and enjoyable for me (i hope) if my future path fails. It's weird that I'm almost expecting/hoping it fails. It's not that I necessarily want to hate my time abroad, it's just that I feel I need to experience it in order to be happy here one day. I want to say I did it all; I took the path less traveled, for a period. I don't want to be away from my family forever. Although, I may end up being happier there. I just wish other understood my desires more.

    I wish I knew the answer to the questions about where I wanted to be in 5, 10, 20, etc years. All I know is that at my age, my friends are beginning to get married, buy houses, and "settle down." I am absolutely sure I am not ready for this at this time, but maybe I will be in 5 to 10 years. I feel if I move abroad though I will be taking a very far step away from all these things and make my other USA dreams which my friends are doing now harder to acheive. I hate being a woman and having a stupid biological clock.. ughhhhh!

    I guess what I'm really afraid of is reestablishing myself if my crazy dreams about living abroad fail, and perhaps I don't convert to a full fledged buddhist or meet some australian soul mate or find some inner peace helping orphans; werid mix of dreams I know, haha. And also, I do want these things that all my friends are doing now in 5 to 10 years, but when I return home, I feel like I will be so far benind, ya know? Or what if I am happy abroad and my family will be so far away?

    I guess I'll never know unless I try and I think I'll never be really happy until I do. I find a perfect quote that has actually convinced me I should go, haha. How ENFPish right?
    "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
    What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.

  10. #10
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    dont waste your time or your life moving from one place to another cause you feel that "you have not lived life to its fullest and you are young and only have one life". holding on to those fuzzy thoughts too long and you may end up sleeping under a bride or in a relatives apartment, because you did not discipline yourself enough to focus on what you really needed to do. maybe finish college. do you want to be the person who helps others or will you become a person in need of charity and always needing help cause you acted on impulse. my younger brother lives off me and that is what happened in his life. he never stayed in one place long enough or one job. changed job to job to job. started one thing and did not finish and started a new project and leaves it. if this is the pattern you are starting, then you need to avoid this pattern.

    follow hallas advice. i like 5
    5) Don't ever go to graduate school just to go. Go into a graduate program that you know you will be exercising your best efforts into because you have worked enough to realize that you will be involved with that area of study/work/expertise in some capacity for an extended period of your life, because you personally identify with it.

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