User Tag List

12 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 16

  1. #1

    Default being told "I need alone time"

    So I've been in a relationship with an INTJ male for the past 2 months. Our relationship is wonderful, we haven't really had a fight, and our time together is always a lot of fun. I have my own place, but I am usually at his place 4 nights out of the week. He's told me he'd like me to move in sometime, but in the future when his lease is up because his current place is pretty small. He's always working during the day so its not like we're really together all the time.

    We had planned a weekend road trip this upcoming weekend, and decided to leave Saturday afternoon. My usual pattern is going over to his place on Friday and leaving on Monday or Tuesday, but this time, he told me he would prefer if I came on Saturday instead, because he wanted some alone time on Friday. He wanted to spend his alone time at his favorite local bar.

    Of course, I am offended by this and immediately started asking him why he suddenly needed alone time and if there was something in 'particular' happening that night that he wanted me to be away for. He sighed and said he knew that I was going to react this way and just said "Is it crazy to be want to be alone for a little bit?" But it's not really being alone if you're going to go out?

    In my head, I knew that he probably just really wanted to be by himself for a little and not have to tend to my needs, but part of me keeps wanting to think the worst. A feeling of "oh, it's finally gotten to the point where he needs to be away from me, and CAN be away from me." A feeling of the love that we has reached its fieriest point and is now starting to cool off. A feeling of not being wanted or needed as much. I knew deep down, this simple gesture of wanting to be alone should not have triggered all these thoughts into me. But a part of me really did kind of shrivel and I feel like I have to like him less, or hold back a part of myself from him. It's really stupid I admit, and I wish I did not take this so personally, but I just can't help it.

    It's not that I don't trust him. I don't really have a reason not to distrust him, but him doing that triggered a lot of negative, paranoid thoughts and I can't help that I have lost a bit of trust. I know that if he knew that ALL this went through my mind just because he requested some time off is probably really silly. But I just start thinking about other random crap, like how he likes to get gets extra drunk when I'm not around. I did get mad at him in the past because it seemed like everytime we went out together, he never really drank a lot, but when he goes out alone, he gets inebriated. When I asked him about this (for some reason, slightly offended), he said it was because he can actually tolerate being around me enough that he doesn't have to be drunk. Which was a nice snappy response that was flattering, but is that the truth? In a way, I see it as that he feels uncomfortable showing that side of him to me, but he doesn't mind being drunk and silly around his friends?

    Anyways, is my train of thought normal for this situation (well for my type anyways) and does he really just want a night off or do my paranoid delusions have some truth to them?
    E(66%) N (70%) F(63%) P (71%)
    Enneagram: 7w2, sx/so/sp
    Global 5: SLUAI

  2. #2
    Magical BlackCat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    ESFP
    Enneagram
    9w8 sx/sp
    Socionics
    SEE Fi
    Posts
    7,002

    Default

    It sounds like typical enneagram 6 worrying. 7w2 is impossible, you're 7w6.

    Anyways, he probably wanted to be alone because you are going on a road trip Saturday. The constant interaction with the world would be tiring for any introvert, especially an IN_J.

    Maybe he likes getting drunk with his friends.

    If you wanted some alone time for something like that, how would he react?
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  3. #3
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    Enfp
    Enneagram
    497 sx/so
    Socionics
    IEE Fi
    Posts
    14,656

    Default

    Give him his freedom. Did he potentially smile at you when you got offended? That's him being amused at your reaction. Mine can tolerate a lot of time with me, but only if I don't constantly demand his focus. And we know that on the 7th day, we're going to fight, so we decide to go do other stuff ourselves. That way, we don't get there. There's nothing wrong with having some space apart sometimes. It does make the heart grow fonder. As for the drunk-thing...I'd say he's speaking the truth, though I don't know him as well as you. That's another thing...you know him, you know his character. Is this something that would fit into his personality? If it is..then why worry about it?
    What types are his friends? Are they the kind that like to hang out and have a drink? Then it would be normal that he does that with them. He'll also not go mushy on them and be mushy only with you. It's called compartmentalizing

    Also, you've only been dating for 2 months..give him a little bit more time before he starts belching and drinking and god knows what else in front of ya. Enjoy it for that matter, it'll soon be over :rolli:
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  4. #4
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Socionics
    ENFp
    Posts
    878

    Default

    I'm familiar with feeling like this...

    I think he just wants a night off. I don't blame you for feeling how you do though! I would definitely hate that too--it breaks up what you had assumed to be a consistent phenomenon. And thus, enters all the questioning and freaking out! I guess maybe if you can convince yourself to see it as a good thing (seriously, what ENFP likes monotony?! unpredictable, for the win!), not react to him emotionally and let him do what he wants, he'll see how you are fine without him for a night and appreciate you for giving him his space. Which, I mean, it sounds like he doesn't really ever ask for.

    What helps me, also being an ENFP, is to see these occurences as a fluke and not take it to heart until it becomes a pattern. If I can tell myself it is a one time thing and see it as simply one request for one day and not a theme of the relationship, I don't tend to freak out as much.

    I'm not saying don't ask for what you need in the relationship or to listen to your intuition, but when we take all this "rejection" stuff personally from the introverts, then it just makes things worse, especially if we become too vocal about it too early.

  5. #5

    Default

    BlackCat: You're right, I am probably a 7w6, only reason I put 2 was because when I took the test, I scored equally for like 3 things on my 2nd type, and I didn't know what to put down and the 2 description seemed to fit better (being loved or whatever).

    Amargith: He already farts and belches in front of me. I don't really mind that much though. I guess I'm sort of glad he's comfortable enough around me to do that? Either that or he doesn't give a crap.

    Rachelinpa: lol @ the monotony/unpredictable statement, but it's only fun when its happy and exciting, not a crappy unexpected surprise, on top of something that you were looking forward to.
    E(66%) N (70%) F(63%) P (71%)
    Enneagram: 7w2, sx/so/sp
    Global 5: SLUAI

  6. #6
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    Enfp
    Enneagram
    497 sx/so
    Socionics
    IEE Fi
    Posts
    14,656

    Default

    Lol, I guess he is really comfy around you. I think he just prefers other ways of 'enjoyment' around you
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  7. #7
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    FREE
    Enneagram
    594 sx/sp
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    42,333

    Default

    My intuition is simply that he does just now want some time alone, to keep his space.

    It's hard for an IxTx sometimes, feeling absorbed by the needs of an F partner, and just needing to reassert boundaries around the ego sometimes. When I have been with an F, this has usually been one thing in play -- I need more space if we're together too often, while they just want to be with me more. It's not that I don't love them, but honestly my skin begins to crawl, I feel suffocated, and I really need to get some distance for a bit.

    There's an autonomy need there, there's a good chance he really just does want the space... and you could lose some trust if you don't agree sometimes at least to give it to him. (If you smother an INTx for too long, maybe even IxTx, and they can't get space IN the relationship, they'll eventually leave the relationship altogether.)
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  8. #8
    Permabanned
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    ISFP
    Enneagram
    6w7 sx
    Socionics
    SEE Fi
    Posts
    25,301

    Default

    He needs alone time if you're going to be spending all weekend together. I totally understand that. Why are you offended? Let him have some freedom.

  9. #9
    Crazy Diamond Billy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    1,196

    Default

    ENFPs can overpower INTJs and INFJs I woud imagine even more so for INTJs since they arent quite as adept at dealing with feelings as an INFJ might be.

    But he probably wants the weekend to go off great, so he is recharging his emotional battery.

    Introverts dont work the same way as extroverts do, we cant do the constant together thing, we need space to process what we think and feel. I wouldnt worry too much about it, just give him his space otherwise he will start to feel smothered. Normally we dont feel things in quite the same fashion, i wouldn't say the love is at its fiercest and now its cooling off, introverts usually take time to figure out the love, and that's when it becomes fierce for them, not right off the bat like an extrovert.
    Ground control to Major Tom

  10. #10
    Permabanned
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    ISFP
    Enneagram
    6w7 sx
    Socionics
    SEE Fi
    Posts
    25,301

    Default

    I feel smothered by being overly together, too. Being together too much starts fights. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. The realistic part of a long-term relationship cannot remain as intense as the initial courting phase. I would be honestly frightened to be with someone who couldn't be away from me.

Similar Threads

  1. [ENFP] ENFPs, do you need a lot of alone time?
    By Elfboy in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 40
    Last Post: 08-31-2011, 01:20 PM
  2. Extroverts..how much alone time do you need?
    By Giggly in forum General Psychology
    Replies: 57
    Last Post: 08-02-2010, 09:03 PM
  3. [INFP] INFX Need for alone time.
    By SpottingTrains in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 20
    Last Post: 10-22-2009, 12:46 AM
  4. [ENFP] What happens to ENFPs when they don't get the alone time they need?
    By cn1234567890 in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 07-15-2008, 08:20 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO