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  1. #1
    Senior Member Malkavia's Avatar
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    Default ENFJ shuts down?

    The guy who I would consider my best friend is an ENFJ (hes actually tested).

    He is charming, attractive, and very intelligent. We are both in college, rooming together, and are probably going to the same graduate school. He's a pretty bad ass guy and I'm lucky to have such a good friend. He's very in tune with people..

    ...except when it comes to relationships. We are juniors in college and he has never dated a girl even though he has plenty of opportunities. There are so many smart, attractive women who cant keep their hands off of him and he doesnt even notice. For a guy who is so intelligent, he is completely stupid when it comes to women and noticing their moves...or is he?

    About a week ago one of our really good friends admitted to me she liked this guy a lot, and has for a long time. I told her to be more aggressive but she just simply wasnt getting it done. Sure she was spending a lot more time with him and it was obvious to everyone around them what was going on, but not to this ENFJ.

    A couple nights later I decide to just let him know. He gets very upset that she likes him and says he didn't put himself in this situation and it shouldnt be awkward and it was her fault this is happening. On top of that he sent me (am I a messenger?) to tell her he didn't like her. This (in my opinion) goes against the value system that I have known him to have. Normally he would talk to her himself, but apparently when we talk about relationships he shuts down. He has an emotional wall like the great wall of China, is this normal for ENFJs? For someone who has been my friend for such a long time, we talk about everything, but for some reason we never talk about having relationships. It's very odd to me.

    Thanks for listening to me rant guys, hopefully you can help me have a better understand of my friend.

  2. #2
    Senior Member nynesneg's Avatar
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    Perhaps alot of this is due to his not having any relationships before and being uncomfortable with the topic in general?

    For a guy who is so intelligent, he is completely stupid when it comes to women and noticing their moves...or is he?
    I can relate to this to some degree... In that I'm naturally friendly with people so if they are extra friendly with me often I don't take it as automatically flirting. Flirting to me is if they make a move and I say no, or something. BUT the above people are generally those I'm not interested in anyway, so it would be different if I were trying to get them.
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  3. #3
    Senior Member Heinel's Avatar
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    Hmm, sounds familiar, but I probably shouldn't start assuming things.

    Anyway, many ENFJs I met tend to have very idealistic standards when it comes to relationships, maybe he just haven't found someone worthy.
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  4. #4
    Wild Card Atomic Fiend's Avatar
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    That sounds less type related and more personal. This looks like it could be a number of things that don't have to do with type. Ask him about it. It could very well be a sexuality issue.

  5. #5
    Senior Member BlahBlahNounBlah's Avatar
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    Is he gay?
    I have a vagina.


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  6. #6
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    My guess is, he doesn't have a lot of relationship experience, so it's awkward for him to be put in a situation like that. It becomes a situation where he can't be his usual charming self, and it makes him uncomfortable. He doesn't understand why he has to be responsible for the feelings of someone he's not interested in and has given no outright encouragement to. I was very much like that when I was younger.
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  7. #7
    Senior Member Malkavia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah View Post
    My guess is, he doesn't have a lot of relationship experience, so it's awkward for him to be put in a situation like that. It becomes a situation where he can't be his usual charming self, and it makes him uncomfortable. He doesn't understand why he has to be responsible for the feelings of someone he's not interested in and has given no outright encouragement to. I was very much like that when I was younger.
    This makes the most sense, or more honestly, I hope this is the situation.

    Quote Originally Posted by BlahBlahNounBlah View Post
    Is he gay?
    I hope not. ENFJs can be self-righteous, he knows what his moral code is and sticks to it. Most unfortunately his Christian moral code includes homosexuality being bad. I've thought about this, because it would make sense him having a hard time, I just hope this isnt the case.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Space_Oddity's Avatar
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    I also think it is rather a personal issue. There is certainly a reason for his behavior, but being an ENFJ is not a 'reason'. I used to know an INTP girl who was very uncomfortable with relationships and our friendship ended in a really weird way, and INTPs were able to give me dozens of reasons how 'type-related' it was, but actually, it wasn't. The reason was, she most likely did have sexuality issues and her parents would hate it. Perhaps your friend is 'only' very idealistic when it comes to relationships (which probably also has a reason, though), but if his behavior seems so strange to you, it will probably be a deeper issue.

  9. #9
    Senior Member toast's Avatar
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    Has he ever liked somebody? Said anything about it? If you've been good friends for a while & you haven't ever known him to be into someone, sounds weird. Doesn't sound like an ENFJ thing to me. Could be gay... or asexual... but even they have "crushes." Seriously, has he ever expressed attraction to anybody?

  10. #10
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Malkavia View Post
    The guy who I would consider my best friend is an ENFJ (hes actually tested).

    He is charming, attractive, and very intelligent. We are both in college, rooming together, and are probably going to the same graduate school. He's a pretty bad ass guy and I'm lucky to have such a good friend. He's very in tune with people..

    ...except when it comes to relationships. We are juniors in college and he has never dated a girl even though he has plenty of opportunities. There are so many smart, attractive women who cant keep their hands off of him and he doesnt even notice. For a guy who is so intelligent, he is completely stupid when it comes to women and noticing their moves...or is he?

    About a week ago one of our really good friends admitted to me she liked this guy a lot, and has for a long time. I told her to be more aggressive but she just simply wasnt getting it done. Sure she was spending a lot more time with him and it was obvious to everyone around them what was going on, but not to this ENFJ.

    A couple nights later I decide to just let him know. He gets very upset that she likes him and says he didn't put himself in this situation and it shouldnt be awkward and it was her fault this is happening. On top of that he sent me (am I a messenger?) to tell her he didn't like her. This (in my opinion) goes against the value system that I have known him to have. Normally he would talk to her himself, but apparently when we talk about relationships he shuts down. He has an emotional wall like the great wall of China, is this normal for ENFJs? For someone who has been my friend for such a long time, we talk about everything, but for some reason we never talk about having relationships. It's very odd to me.

    Thanks for listening to me rant guys, hopefully you can help me have a better understand of my friend.
    Maybe I'm just reading this situation differently but I would say that you overstepped your boundaries. I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is how I'm reading the situation: your friend's lack of romantic relationships seems to be bothering you more than it is him from what information you've given.

    According to the bolded above you went and told him about someone that is crushing on him when he gave no encouragement to the person whatsoever and involved him in something that he either didn't want to be in or didn't realize he was in. Am I understanding that correctly? It seems to me that you created a problem where there wasn't one before and now he feels guilty that he doesn't like someone back who likes him. If he's a Fe-dom I can see him feeling like he's being forced to care for someone's feelings against his will and that can foster resentment. I can see why he'd be upset about this and rightfully ask you to fix something you essentially broke.

    Maybe you could have considered throwing out some hints about this person, testing the waters to see if he was interested before telling him about this person's crush. If he wasn't interested, no harm no foul because nothing had been said yet.

    Here's something I've noticed with ENFPs since about college. IME, some ENFPs find it hard to believe that not everyone is out there looking for the love of their life around every corner and under every rock. It seems like a cardinal sin in the ENFP playbook to not be constantly open to being in a relationship. Maybe your friend is concentrating on getting through school and feels like a relationship would be a distraction. Maybe he's more discerning about who he gets into relationships with, so even though he's had the opportunity nothing has really piqued his interest--which sounds highly likely in the college meat market. I don't deny they may be some insecurity but that's with damn near everyone and not at all unusual.

    Basically, I guess I'm not seeing the problem. You say he's funny, charming, witty, et cetera and I assume he knows how to use that charisma for attracting a mate. Of course, you know him better so this is all really your call.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

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