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  1. #11
    Junior Member Claide's Avatar
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    In my experience, when it comes to flirting, ENFJs are very comfortable with themselves.

    I'm currently in a two-year relationship with an ENFJ. The only time that his social dexterity is compromised is when he's in conflict. In these instances, he becomes very distant and moody. It's strange, really. Usually, when he has a little time to feel it through, he's back to being his loving, altruistic self.

    It's impossible for me to make any plausible assumptions without knowing more about him... but is there a possibility that he's gay?

    One of my best friends is straight, and I went a long time without telling him about my sexuality (I was too afraid of what he'd think; we were both raised in a religious environment). When I did tell him, he was blindsided (in other words, it's not always obvious).

    There may be other factors that would make the whole ordeal conflicting for him. Maybe he just feels pressured? Maybe he had a bad relationship in the past? As others have (wisely) pointed out, some idiosyncrasies have more to do with background than with personality.

  2. #12
    Senior Member Malkavia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toast View Post
    Has he ever liked somebody? Said anything about it? If you've been good friends for a while & you haven't ever known him to be into someone, sounds weird. Doesn't sound like an ENFJ thing to me. Could be gay... or asexual... but even they have "crushes." Seriously, has he ever expressed attraction to anybody?
    He "kind of" dated a girl for a couple of weeks, but I got the feeling it wasnt real. Once again, maybe he's gay and was trying to make it go away by dating this girl.

    On the other hand, I know her and was relieved when they decided it wasnt going to happen. She wasnt a good match for him at all.

    To give him some credit, both of us major in Middle Eastern studies and plan to live abroad in the Middle East for at least a big portion of our lives. That cuts down the amount of girls willing to get into a serious relationship by a lot. But still, we dont really talk about girls. Me and his INTJ brother have talked about it and he told me that his brother is just completely unaware of girls and that it was like that even in high school.

    Quote Originally Posted by Claide View Post

    It's impossible for me to make any plausible assumptions without knowing more about him... but is there a possibility that he's gay?

    One of my best friends is straight, and I went a long time without telling him about my sexuality (I was too afraid of what he'd think; we were both raised in a religious environment). When I did tell him, he was blindsided (in other words, it's not always obvious).
    There always a possibility for anyone to be gay and in the closet.

    If he is, he wouldnt say. Like I said, we both live in a culture where it is unacceptable. I've tried to convince him that homosexuality is not immoral but with no luck (this was when our friendship first started).

    Eventually I just let it go, then I learned he was an ENFJ and it is quite hard to get them to reconsider their values.

    I'm afraid to bring it up again, especially if he isnt gay. I havent brought up the relationship thing at all after that night because I have no idea how to approach it, or even if it is my business to talk about it in the first place.
    Last edited by Malkavia; 12-07-2009 at 02:39 AM. Reason: adding to post

  3. #13
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Hmmm, this is interesting.

    Because he's not interested in a romantic relationship there's a strong possibility he's gay.

    Very evolved ideas we got goin on here.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  4. #14
    Junior Member Claide's Avatar
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    Because he's not interested in a romantic relationship there's a strong possibility he's gay.

    Very evolved ideas we got goin on here.
    It isn't the fact that he's not interested that made me think the question was worth asking; it's the fact that he seems so bothered by his best friend cluing him in on someone who's interested. I don't understand why it would be such a big deal. Why not just say, "Nah, I'm just not into the idea of a relationship with her" or "I'm too busy for a relationship right now." ENFJs are usually hard to irritate. I don't know. It does seem strange.

    That is, unless he feels like people are constantly pressuring him about relationships. In that case, relationship-oriented conversations might be becoming touchy for him.

  5. #15
    Senior Member Keps Mnemnosyne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Claide View Post
    That is, unless he feels like people are constantly pressuring him about relationships. In that case, relationship-oriented conversations might be becoming touchy for him.
    I've had a best friend do this to me. Telling me about a crush and then getting mad when I said I didn't want to do anything about it. This went on for a day, before I snapped back at him that I wasn't attracted to the girl and then asked him if he thought she was a good fit for me. To which he answered no and realized my point of wanting a working relationship.

    Um, if you are wondering about him, why not just ask him? Does he talk about wanting a relationship? If so, then ask him who he is attracted to. If not, ask him what his plans are in the future. Ask how many kids he wants, or what his wife will be like. If he gets huffy and puffy then say that you care about him because he is such a cool guy and you just want to see him happy whatever he will do in life.

    If you ask bluntly the question of what sexuality type he is; do not ask again even if you do not believe the answer. If he is lying he will lie again; if he was truthful he will be pissed off; take it from my personal experience. :steam: If he lied to you, and you didn't ask again, he may then tell you the truth later since you showed trust in him that he betrayed.

    Last, if you wish to be a sneaky bastard, go to him and bring up your relationship problems, and then ask about his and mention that since he is so helpful to you, you want to be a little bit helpful back. Even if that last part isn't true, it may crack him....

    You seem interested in helping him, but may be overzealous, nonetheless, I wish you good luck in your endeavor.
    Love wouldn't exist without loneliness to inspire it.

    Peach yogurt is made of love. And gnome kidneys. - Domino

    I can cope and will cope without polluting my lungs. - Saslou

  6. #16
    Senior Member Malkavia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Keps Mnemnosyne View Post
    You seem interested in helping him, but may be overzealous, nonetheless, I wish you good luck in your endeavor.
    I think you made a good point. Being overzealous is something that I don't want to happen. I don't think I've done anything crazy yet, I have simply asked the forum what they thought.

    It was mostly just odd because it seemed out of character to me.

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