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[ENFP] What's wrong with the ENFP?

Biaxident

Charting a course
Joined
Jan 10, 2009
Messages
3,617
MBTI Type
INFP
You weren't even included in the flirt thread.

TRY HARDER!

If I tried any harder, I would sprain something. :D

I am a stealth flirt.

One minute the night is dark and quiet. The next, I am right overhead dropping a flirtbomb on you. :newwink:
 

Laurie

Was E.laur
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
6,072
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
That sounds strangely gross. I don't think I want anyone overhead dropping anything on me in the middle of the night.
 

cascadeco

New member
Joined
Oct 7, 2007
Messages
9,083
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Cut to months or years later, when I'm still dating this person who's never been right for me, solely because I empathized with them so quickly.

The hardest part is that I always feel I am being really honest in relationships- I never lie, or say anything I don't mean. My general attitude has been "Hey, I don't want to be with this person forever, but if they want to hang out for a while anyway, why not?"- and I've said as much to partners before.

The problem is, if you don't just break up with someone, they are never going to get that you have stopped considering them as a permanent option, no matter what you say. Particularly if you're an ENFP I think, because our empathetic behavior can often belie our true feelings for someone.

I'm getting much better about trusting my initial judgments, so at least I don't convince myself to see potential in relationships that doesn't exist (as much as I used to anyway). But it is still really hard to tell someone you aren't interested in them any more when you know, from their perspective, that you've seemed totally dedicated and interested from the start, and shouldn't be ready to call it quits so soon.

So I just try to remember that altruism is a terrible and condescending reason to stay in a relationship with anyone heh. And I am getting better about being more reserved at the beginning of a relationship, so that the other person doesn't feel swept up in a whirlwind romance right from the start, only to have it unexpectedly fizzle out.

Basically, I'm learning that in order to be respectful and honest, sometimes I have to let my empathy and general interest in people show a little bit less, even though this can feel self-abnegating in the moment.


I think it's awesome that you recognize some of this!!

But, man, reading a lot of this just makes me cringe, as I operate so differently...I simply can't comprehend not breaking up with someone if you don't see any long term potential. It seems like you're living a lie otherwise (at least I would feel that way if I knew there was nothing longterm..which is why I would break up with the person immediately once I realized that). If there will be inevitable hurt at some point, why not nip it in the bud sooner rather than later when things have become that much more built up? I think what you've described is a huge reason I would have a hard time trusting the enfp in a romantic relationship...I mean, I would hate to think someone was still with me just because they were afraid to hurt me; but like others have said, enfp's make great, interesting, fun friends.
 

Tamske

Writing...
Joined
Oct 22, 2009
Messages
1,764
MBTI Type
ENTP
ENFP annoy be because they can make people totally enthousiastic about something and then don't follow through.

However.

I can't complain about that, because in precisely that aspect, I'm a total ENFP... :doh:
 

Laurie

Was E.laur
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
6,072
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
I mean, I would hate to think someone was still with me just because they were afraid to hurt me; but like others have said, enfp's make great, interesting, fun friends.

Like any other type, immaturity in an ENFP can hurt romantic relationships.
 

cascadeco

New member
Joined
Oct 7, 2007
Messages
9,083
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Like any other type, immaturity in an ENFP can hurt romantic relationships.

Oh, no doubt. I almost put in my usual 'but of course it varies by individual' disclaimer, but left it out this time around. :)
 

Waffle

New member
Joined
Dec 4, 2009
Messages
76
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
2
Mostly my reason for staying in relationships is avoiding conflict, and trying never to hurt the other person. I figure that if I'm not happy with them, they won't be happy either and will leave when they're ready. I can't stand the though of ever hurting someone, so I'll be their crutch until they are ready to be on their own two legs.
I'm sort of glad I'm not the only ENFP with relationship issues. I was in a relationship for 11 months, trying to make the other person happy. I left for a few days, but came back because they were upset. It ended in them dumping me, and now the deny even knowing me though we attend a school where we see each other all day long. I guess my ulterior motive is the joy i get from watching people be happy. I just don't want to be hated.
 

Yaxblud

New member
Joined
Nov 27, 2009
Messages
5
MBTI Type
ENFP
Mostly my reason for staying in relationships is avoiding conflict, and trying never to hurt the other person. I figure that if I'm not happy with them, they won't be happy either and will leave when they're ready. I can't stand the though of ever hurting someone, so I'll be their crutch until they are ready to be on their own two legs.

Yeah, I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm often wishing someone would figure out that I'm not that into them, and break things off with me. That way, everyone saves face and no one's feelings are too badly hurt. It's like the perfect scenario- the dumpee actually wanted to be dumped!

It never works out that well though. Yes, breaking up with people sucks. But it is exponentially better than continuing a relationship you're no longer invested in, for everyone's sake. Otherwise, you're either going to hurt them much worse down the road, or hurt yourself by staying in an unsatisfactory relationship forever. At the very least, you're wasting however much of their time it takes for them to figure out what you should have told them as soon as you knew it.

Dammit. I think I just realized tomorrow's going to be a long day :doh:
 

Waffle

New member
Joined
Dec 4, 2009
Messages
76
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
2
Yeah, I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm often wishing someone would figure out that I'm not that into them, and break things off with me. That way, everyone saves face and no one's feelings are too badly hurt. It's like the perfect scenario- the dumpee actually wanted to be dumped!

It never works out that well though. Yes, breaking up with people sucks. But it is exponentially better than continuing a relationship you're no longer invested in, for everyone's sake. Otherwise, you're either going to hurt them much worse down the road, or hurt yourself by staying in an unsatisfactory relationship forever. At the very least, you're wasting however much of their time it takes for them to figure out what you should have told them as soon as you knew it.

Dammit. I think I just realized tomorrow's going to be a long day :doh:
D'oh! Good luck! D:
 

thescientist

New member
Joined
Jul 23, 2009
Messages
254
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w4
It's probably been discussed before, but it seems like there is quite a lot of bias against the ENFP. The few complaints I've heard are that we're too childish and more melodramatic than any other NF (Which I have to disagree with. I knew an INFP who outdid me by miles). Do you believe any personality type is better than another?

EDIT: Alright, so I guess I didn't make this clear (I do tend to not make sense a lot of the time :doh:) but I was wondering if you've had any negative experiences with the ENFP and what made you mad at them. Personal growth pages can only tell you so much. I'd love to hear your real life experience stories.

Being an ENFP, I have had my share. I find my fellow ENFPs to often be overexcited about everything and anything, and tend to run my energy levels in to the ground.

Since I'm hating on an ENFP at the moment I thought it'd be appropriate for me to respond. :D

In my particular ENFP experience, he seems to be a master at bullshitting. He likes to sugar-coat things and make you believe them. He manipulates the truth and only tells you what's convenient or what he THINKS you want to hear. He's cowardly and doesn't confront you about any issues. He has also been super defensive when you call him out on his shit. Hates it when I tell him the blunt truth. Lives in total denial.

But in the end I still friggin love him :( more than I hate him. Although that changes on a daily basis.
 

sunshinEnfp

New member
Joined
Sep 30, 2009
Messages
48
MBTI Type
ENFP
Mostly my reason for staying in relationships is avoiding conflict, and trying never to hurt the other person. I figure that if I'm not happy with them, they won't be happy either and will leave when they're ready. I can't stand the though of ever hurting someone, so I'll be their crutch until they are ready to be on their own two legs.
I'm sort of glad I'm not the only ENFP with relationship issues. I was in a relationship for 11 months, trying to make the other person happy. I left for a few days, but came back because they were upset. It ended in them dumping me, and now the deny even knowing me though we attend a school where we see each other all day long. I guess my ulterior motive is the joy i get from watching people be happy. I just don't want to be hated.

See, I value honesty much more than wanting to avoid conflict. Like, I do not like conflict, but in terms of a relationship, I would never want someone to be with me just because they don't want to hurt me. I would rather them just say it, so I offer the same to other people as well. Honesty is the best policy, even if it means conflict sometimes.

But I will say, if it's someone I am not particularly close to, then I might pretend to like them (if I am not going to be interacting with them that much). It might be fake, but I don't want to hurt their feelings by being like, "Actually, you annoy me." It's just easier for me to avoid those kinds of people and just be nice when I am interacting with them.

Did I seem to contradict myself? Oh... I am an ENFP. :) (But both cases are completely different!)
 

Billy

Crazy Diamond
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
1,192
MBTI Type
INFJ
I only know 1 ENFP IRL and he exudes charm and he is extremely funny and has high high energy and we get along pretty well. But he is not the healthiest specimen, he spent a bit too much time with his family as a kid and not around other people so he tends to act like them, and have a serious need for acceptance and for me and the rest of our friends to approve of the choices he makes and things he does. He is competitive to a fault, and he runs from all his problems.

He met a girl a few years back, 1st girl he ever laid, she tried to break it off with him by moving to chicago, he dropped his job and everything to follow her, and he convinced her to let him by paying for everything, her school, the rent, everything. When he discovered that he was miserable there he moved to NY, when she moved back they got married and finnally lived together, and now the pattern is that every time they live together for a few months he gets miserable and they need to move somewhere else to get that "new" feeling back. He cant just stick with what he has, I think its because he knows he has nothing in common with her, but he cant bring himself to leave her because its the 1st girl he ever loved... its pretty odd though because he spends every weekend at my house to get away from her.

and he tends to be a social chameleon he is a different person to every group of friends he has, and he does not allow those groups to mix. He refuses to let his friends hang out with him and his wife at the same time because he doesnt know who to be, ive seen it a few times its very awkward.
 

copperfish17

New member
Joined
Dec 13, 2009
Messages
712
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
Since I'm hating on an ENFP at the moment I thought it'd be appropriate for me to respond. :D

In my particular ENFP experience, he seems to be a master at bullshitting. He likes to sugar-coat things and make you believe them. He manipulates the truth and only tells you what's convenient or what he THINKS you want to hear. He's cowardly and doesn't confront you about any issues. He has also been super defensive when you call him out on his shit. Hates it when I tell him the blunt truth. Lives in total denial.

Yeah, I find the sugar-coating ENFP's extremely annoying too. I'm cool with the notion that they care about my feelings, but if that "care" boils down to lying for "my" sake... uh, no. Just NO.

ENFP's are THE quickest type to take offense... They take just about EVERYTHING personally... even when someone tells them something wasn't supposed to be personal. They find emotional subtexts in ANYTHING, even when none were intended.

ENFP's are VERY manipulative. I know an ENFP's who manipulated a heck of a lot of people into hating specific "persons."

Did I mention ENFP's can be really "good" backstabbers? They may act like they're your best friend, when they're really spreading horrible rumors about you behind the scenes, trying to make as many people hate you as possible.

And then, when you confront them, they tell you that THEY were the ones trying to "help you out" by talking to people who hates you. They act like THEY are the saints, offering you a hand before everybody else and all that. The truth is, they've gotten over their tantrum (they bounce back quickly, remember :steam:) and don't know how to deal with the mess they've generated in the process. That's when the guilt starts kicking in for them.

This equation rings particularly true for an ENFP I know IRL. Totally what she'd say:
"Everyone hates you." = "I hate you and I've manipulated everyone else into hating you too."

I also hate how ENFP's want to be liked by everyone. Seriously - it just isn't going to happen. Suck it up and move on. Don't throw a tantrum over it. Don't spread horrible, fake rumors to the WHOLE $#&%ing SCHOOL about your "hater" (two $@^#ing ENFP's did this to me, just because they thought I hated them. :doh:). Don't go whining to your best friend, I can so see that happening.

Gah.

No offense healthy ENFP's out there. :cry: But the ENFP's I've known thus far in life have been... terrible...
 

Esoteric Wench

Professional Trickster
Joined
Dec 20, 2009
Messages
945
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w8
The ENFPs I've known tend to be either really good or really bad. I'll define "really good" as emotionally mature, not histrionic, empathetic, but able to set healthy boundaries. I'll define "really bad" as overly focused on having new and emotionally exciting experiences... at the expense of following through and self-reflection which is critical in making sure that the ENFP's behaviors are in synch with their values. An ENFP who is not following their own value system is a sight to behold indeed.

Healthy ENFPs have to go through a cycle that begins with taking in new information and experiencing new things. Afterward, they must reflect upon if such newly acquired knowledge and experiences are really in keeping with the ENFPs big picture plan for themselves. This culling process is critical in an emotionally healthy ENFP... and often overlooked in an unhealthy (or immature) ENFP.

I very much like being an ENFP, but I've got to tell you that an ENFP who has not learned how to cut the wheat from the chaff is a mess. Ugh!

Furthermore, since ENFPs are so easily able to express their inner thoughts, an unhealthy ENFP is readily apparent to the casual observer. In other words, it is in an ENFPs nature to openly share their inner world, healthy or not. This skews the data, I think, so that some people assume that ENFPs might be more unhealthy than other types, but this is not so.

Take for example an unhealthy INFJ, who might be just as much of a mess as our unhealthy/hypothetical ENFP. Since INFJs tend to hold their cards so much closer to their chest than the average ENFP, it would take more interaction with the unhealthy INFJ to get a read on their unhealthy vibe. Not so with the ENFP, that just hangs it all out when compared with most other types.
 

phthalocyanine

#005645
Joined
Jun 2, 2009
Messages
679
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sx
ENFPs seem to just blurt out the things that come to mind, sometimes coming out the wrong way and receiving varied reactions.

it's not "wrong", though. usually it's funny and endearing to me.
it can be annoying at times, but not usually. good people.
 

hermeticdancer

New member
Joined
Oct 9, 2008
Messages
209
MBTI Type
eNFp
Enneagram
4
Agreed, I definitely don't embody all aspects of an ENFP. I tend to be slightly more withdrawn than a lot of my fellow ENFPs, but still friendly. I just don't bubble over with every emotion I feel. I've also definitely gone down on the hyper scale.

I will say this for my dislike of the ENFP: We tend to stay dedicated to relationships that have died due to a sense of duty. It's better to be dumped than dump someone, am I right? Much more of a clean break.

I disagree
I have no problem ending a relationship. I prefer to do so, yes it hurts, but if I see no future in it I am going to end it. And at that, I will not remain friends with that person. I have enough friends in my life, that I do not need to keep my ex's as friends anymore.

But that is me now, before I changed, and I just don't put up with Bull anymore, if someone, cheats on me, lies, is fake, cheap, not kind, if they don't meet my criteria, I basically dump them. That is why I am dating, at 29 and single, and not sure If I want to ever have kids either.

I think that most people are flawed and that when I decide to settle down, or love finds me, I will take it. But I would rather be alone, cut my losses,"hurt" someone (I'm doing them a favor by letting them go), and be honest, then be together if we are not meant for each other in every way, why prolong the suffering? and be miserable, mediocre at best?
I maintained a casual relationship with a man for 5 years ladies, I knew what I was getting into, it was nobodys falut, we were just not compatible in the end. I won't (settle) again. It comes from my learned real life experience. I didn't read it in a book. And--- for me it won't be repeated.
 
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