[INFP] Male INFPs with mother issues

[Tewt]

My SO's (INFP) relationship with his mother is very interesting to me. As well as his entire family dynamics which has a lot to do with his mother and things that happened early on in his parents marriage.

SO is Mom's favorite. He will tell you that and it is entirely clear upon seeing the family interact after a few get togethers. SO will also say they have a good relationship (I think) and they do for the most part.

But being the "favorite" has had more than a few detrimental effects for him, I believe. The entire family avoids upsetting Mom, so very minor things are allowed to slide that in any other normal relationship you would feel free to bring up, discuss and find a resolution. Being the "favorite," SO is very laid back, very go with the flow of what the family (Mom) wants. He has always done this since childhood. And I believe has felt great pressure in being Mom's favorite. We, SO and I as a couple, have had just one issue (not a biggie) with his Mom and it is like scaling Mt. Everest to get him to approach this with her.

The family "Unfavorite" (SO's brother) has not always done this and is crucified for voicing opinions on minor issues that otherwise no one would have a problem with. He doesn't go with the flow and so far, imo, has had reasonable requests, opinions, wants etc. I keep being told "wait, you will see what we are all talking about" and so far have not seen it. The one issue so far (again, another small issue that in most families would be accepted and it is very common for all adult children to do but MOM doesn't want to do it and won't hear of it) "Unfavorite" has voiced normal opinions and he was lambasted for having them because it is going against what the family (Mom) wants. And then, "Unfavorite" will not be so happy to be around the family, will be touchy at the family gathering but SO (favorite) says this is proof of how "Unfavorite" is. It is hard to show him that "Unfavorite" is this way because of years of not being able to have healthy boundaries and not being able to voice wants/needs for years. It's also hard for him to recognize the passive-agressive pattern his family has adopted with "Unfavorite."

SO is in therapy. He has spent years developing unhealthy relationships with people. He also had a very screwed up way of approaching romantic relationships and very unrealistic ideas of women. I'm not sure how much they discuss his Mom in therapy but I do know he has taken steps to addressing and putting two and two together so to speak about some of the kooky of his family. Before he would describe his family like a Norman Rockwell painting.

He has noted that everyone was expected to act in a T like manner, when most members were F. Ontop of that my observations have been that everyone is supposed to act like T, but Mom is the only one allowed to act F. Even among the other girls, there is no F allowed.

fwiw, I do like his mother. We get along well but sometimes I wonder if it is because I'm the Favorites SO.

 

[hermeticdancer]

A lot of types have mother issues. Perhaps the INFP, is better able to explain this than the other types you have come across. Also there are some studies on pubmed about MBTI and INFP/ISFP males and a strong correlation with unipolar depression. Here is the abstract.
Myers Briggs Type indicator personality profiles i... [World J Biol Psychiatry. 2002] - PubMed result

 

[GirlFromMars]

There's only one male I know offline that is an INFP for sure. His father died (suicide) when he was just two. He felt his mother smotherd him and tried to stop him from being independant. Maybe so to not lose him as well? He says he loves her very much, but kinds of blames her for a lot of his insecurities now.

There's another guy I know, but not so well. I don't know 100% that he's an INFP, but I'm pretty sure. He has a good relationship with his mum from what he says, but his dad's a big problem.

 

[Udog]

He felt his mother smotherd him and tried to stop him from being independant. Maybe so to not lose him as well? He says he loves her very much, but kinds of blames her for a lot of his insecurities now.

This is very close to my story. My mom is codependant, and would sabotage my attempts to gain independence and autonomy (like getting a social life or moving out) while rewarding behaviors that kept me dependent on her (like playing video games in my room all weekend).

Self growth is hard enough without having people sabotage you!

 

[21%]

I do think that a lot of moms have problems letting go and letting their children grow up, especially SFJs, who feel the need to be needed, and to be the one to protect and provide for their children. I know it shouldn't be like that, but it's scary when people suddenly just don't need you anymore. That coupled with the awareness that you are getting old and are on the decline can be very frightening, so you cling on to what you know and try to maintain the close mother-child bond that you used to have.

 

[nolla]

Interesting hypothesis. I'm going to throw out the first things that come to my head based on the OP and then go through the posts.

whatever the damaging characteristic may be, they all have mothers who were deeply influential in their lives in a negative fashion.

My mother was/is deeply influential in my life, yes, but I think it is very positive. In fact, I would say that I have exceptionally good relationship with my mom. But, this might actually be part of the phenomenon you are describing. My relationship with mom is hardly "normal" by any standard. I was sort of a confidant for her already at the age of ten. We were always close, but especially after I grew up from my teenage cynicism, I've been more like her in many ways. I have always interpreted the change as me becoming more like I was "originally" meant to be, but I guess you might as well interpret it as me becoming more like my mother.

I do have to add that my closeness with her doesn't mean that I think the same, or have the same opinions with her or anything as obviously "weird" like that, but I admit that my relationship with her is a bit strange just because it is more close than my relationships with just about anyone else.

And, if it is relevant, I didn't have healthy relationship with my dad. That might have emphasized the importance of mom. Honestly, I think I'd be a wreck now without such a mom. I feel quite lucky.

EDIT:
Ok, I read the thread. Of all the opinions I feel that the most convincing ones are "INFP males are weird boys, so their mothers are more likely to not understand them" and "INFPs are more likely to think and express mother issues"

I'd also like to add that I don't like the attitude people seem to have against the "negativity" of the thread. I don't think it is fair to assume that a person that likes to explore the more negative implications of a type has to have some resentment for the type. I would actually like to have more discussion about the negatives, if it is done without obvious type-hating. I have recently had this feeling that people are against the probing of negatives. I don't see no reason to keep the discussions limited to the easy subjects. There have been people who do like to make superficially intellectual posts with the type-hating motivation, but as much as I hate the "Feelers are shit because they are not rational" and "Jesus was a mistake because he was a feeler" threads, I still think that we should resist the temptation to label all the threads with a negative tone as a type-hate thread. And, as we see now, the general opinion here seems to be that we aren't after all mistakes of our parents. The truth emerges, and it is good.

 

[Biaxident]

I hate everybody.


And it's all my mother's fault.

 

[Cranky]

I'd also like to add that I don't like the attitude people seem to have against the "negativity" of the thread. I don't think it is fair to assume that a person that likes to explore the more negative implications of a type has to have some resentment for the type. I would actually like to have more discussion about the negatives, if it is done without obvious type-hating. I have recently had this feeling that people are against the probing of negatives. I don't see no reason to keep the discussions limited to the easy subjects. There have been people who do like to make superficially intellectual posts with the type-hating motivation, but as much as I hate the "Feelers are shit because they are not rational" and "Jesus was a mistake because he was a feeler" threads, I still think that we should resist the temptation to label all the threads with a negative tone as a type-hate thread. And, as we see now, the general opinion here seems to be that we aren't after all mistakes of our parents. The truth emerges, and it is good.

The more responses I get, and the more I talk to my IRL male INFPs, the more a picture is starting to emerge of FATHER issues CAUSING the mother issues. The story I am hearing again and again is either a lack of a father, or that father misunderstanding the sensitive boy's nature...and God help us all, trying to make a 'man' out of him.

The mother is passive in this tale.

And I do appreciate that you're not jumping down my throat for posting this topic. I am curious, is all. Everyone has their issues, and I just wanted to explore the subject. I really, REALLY INFPs. Promises and pinky-swears.

I hate everybody.


And it's all my mother's fault.

you don't hate me, do you???

 

[William K]

I'd also like to add that I don't like the attitude people seem to have against the "negativity" of the thread.

I don't think any of us has any problem with looking at the weaknesses and bad points of an INFP. Like all other types, we all have our strengths and weaknesses. And I agree that certain problems tend to occur more often to INFPs (depression, melancholy) because of the way we behave and think.

What I do challenge is the assertion (not in the OP but in one of the responses), that the problem is caused by the person being 'too' INFP or using too much Fi or whatever combination of INFP functions, and that the solution to the problem is to be less INFP and work on using other functions.

My point is that it is the misuse and not the overuse of the INFP functions that causes the problem. And fixing it requires understanding and using Fi (or Ne, Si, Te, whatever) correctly.

I don't have any proof or theories to support this, but this is what resonates the most with me at the moment. Of course, if you ask me again in a week's time, my INFP self-doubt and over-analysis would make me give you a different answer

 

[Stanton Moore]

I don't think any of us has any problem with looking at the weaknesses and bad points of an INFP. Like all other types, we all have our strengths and weaknesses. And I agree that certain problems tend to occur more often to INFPs (depression, melancholy) because of the way we behave and think.

What I do challenge is the assertion (not in the OP but in one of the responses), that the problem is caused by the person being 'too' INFP or using too much Fi or whatever combination of INFP functions, and that the solution to the problem is to be less INFP and work on using other functions.

My point is that it is the misuse and not the overuse of the INFP functions that causes the problem. And fixing it requires understanding and using Fi (or Ne, Si, Te, whatever) correctly.

I don't have any proof or theories to support this, but this is what resonates the most with me at the moment. Of course, if you ask me again in a week's time, my INFP self-doubt and over-analysis would make me give you a different answer

This post resonates with me.

 

[Seymour]

I don't think any of us has any problem with looking at the weaknesses and bad points of an INFP. Like all other types, we all have our strengths and weaknesses. And I agree that certain problems tend to occur more often to INFPs (depression, melancholy) because of the way we behave and think.

What I do challenge is the assertion (not in the OP but in one of the responses), that the problem is caused by the person being 'too' INFP or using too much Fi or whatever combination of INFP functions, and that the solution to the problem is to be less INFP and work on using other functions. [...]

I agree especially with William K's first paragraph. I am very suspicious of assertions of causality, in particular that we are INFP because we are damaged or had certain family dynamics. Correlation is not causality. We don't know the order of events or the mechanisms. Leaping to "must be the result of damage" just reinforces the "INFPs are broken" meme, which some of us absorbed from external sources in childhood (even if we didn't know we were INFPs). So you may get some prickly responses.

As a gay man I react with similar hostility to "being gay is caused by family damage" for the same reasons. Self-worth and sane thinking are an uphill battle when you absorbed messages that who you are is broken. It's interesting that even though the most recent research indicates that genetics and hormone levels in the womb are the biggest factors in determining male homosexuality, you still often hear theories of family dynamics and improper parenting trotted out.

So, I'm happy to talk about the strengths and weaknesses of being INFP (or being gay, for that matter), but I'm unlikely to go along with "being INFP is the result of damage" without some pretty strong evidence (correlation and time order, at the very least).

As far as INFP conflicts between fathers and sons, in particular, it seems likely to me that some fathers may find relating to INFP sons a little difficult. INFP women aren't stereotypical women either. They are too introverted, not into the Fe thing, etc., so those traits could sometimes lead to strained family dynamics, as well.

Plus, as INFPs we have the added bonus of being very aware of every negative reaction; it's harder for us to turn off our perceptions of the emotions of others than it is for some other types. I could see that dynamic leaded to more reinforcement, since subtle reactions happen more often the explicit negative statements.

 

[nolla]

My point is that it is the misuse and not the overuse of the INFP functions that causes the problem. And fixing it requires understanding and using Fi (or Ne, Si, Te, whatever) correctly.

I agree, and I wasn't thinking about any specific post or a member. It's just this "mood" I've been getting in some threads.

The more responses I get, and the more I talk to my IRL male INFPs, the more a picture is starting to emerge of FATHER issues CAUSING the mother issues. The story I am hearing again and again is either a lack of a father, or that father misunderstanding the sensitive boy's nature...and God help us all, trying to make a 'man' out of him.

The mother is passive in this tale.

Well, for me it was like father is absent (even when he's physically there) or a punisher ("mild" corporeal punishment was somehow still ok in our house, though it was already late eighties then) and mother is, yeah, maybe more passive in terms of power, but not in terms of being there for us. Actually dad was just a guy hanging around in almost all of my early memories. But his absence was not only because of me being weird, because my brother was/is very much like him, and I don't remember them bonding too well either. I think he just didn't understand what he should do with kids.

 

[Lemonade]

intp with an esfj?

that's like the worst combination ever.

Agreed. At least one of the worst. My mother would start and try to win arguments with my stepfather by using an onslaught of selfish emotions (i.e. I don't feel appreciated around here so I bought a new car that isn't within our budget and you {to stepfather} need to pay for it because you are the cause of my unhappiness). Then he would try to put things into a rational perspective... and she would start crying, talking over him, and lock herself in a room before letting him respond again... then call friends and relatives and give a one-sided story of the argument to make her feel like she was "in the right".

Lol, of course that story ends in divorce. <_< it really was inevitable.

ESFJs can't not nag.

Every ESFJ i've met has convinced me that this may be more than simply a correlation.

------------------

My INFP brother does have a lot of issues and built up stress because of the effects of my Mother. He is not fond of dishonesty, and my mother represents honestly like a platypus represents a mammal (distorted in other words). Although the main problem is that her criticism isn't constructive and when she is in a bad mood, she is serving it cold, and anyone in a twenty yard radius gets a slice.

 

[lookingglassworld]

One of my ex-boyfriends is I suspect an infp. He has a close relationship with his mother. Well, she didn't believe me to be good enough for her son. (Lot of personal issues at the time that hadn't been worked out) We tried it twice. Enough of an influence in his life that she was able to sway him to her way of thinking. Just speculation here I believe her type is that of a somewhat unhealthy ESFJ. Not trying to come down on the type(my husband is an ESFJ) it takes all kinds to make up a world. LOL

 

[Fecal McAngry]

I really, REALLY INFPs. Promises and pinky-swears.

Good to know, as I feel likewise about certain NTJ women I've known, though circumstances have not smiled on me in that regard.

Seriously, I'd like to think that someday I may have an NTJ fixation which is not of the unrequited or impossible variety...

"Situations have ended sad
Relationships have all been bad
Mine've been like Verlaine's and Rimbaud..."--Bobert INFP Dylan

 

[ilovetheclouds]

I am an INFP, and I lost my mother (and father) when I was 4. They both were too into drugs to take care of me or my two younger siblings. So, my grandmother's best friend and her husband adopted us. I began to call them my mother and father. In the beginning, things weren't too scary because they had taken care of me since I was born. But after a short while, my new mother began to abuse me. I don't know if it was out of love or anger, if she thought she was doing the right thing, or what, but she would slap me and hit me and verbally abuse me, all at the tender ages of 4/5- 10/12. Once I became a teenager she stopped hitting me and verbally abusing me, probably because I was strong enough to fight back. All throughout those early years, I would try to tell my father (her husband) about these things, and she would always lie about them, saying she didn't know why I would say such a thing. Nowadays I know that my father knows she did these things, and she has admitted to hitting me more than my younger siblings (she never hit them), but she wouldn't admit to the various horribly painful things she would say, or just how frequently or violently she would hit me. So, because of all this, I have since had difficulty establishing romantic relationships with women. I have had two passionate ones, but I was much too insecure and needy for either to last more than a few months.
Perhaps some of you can identify with this story. I am trying to teach myself that rejection is okay, and inevitable, yet I am still too timid to enter into relationships.
It is good to find people who seem to understand the type of situation I have been through.

 

[BlueSprout]

I am an INFP, and I lost my mother (and father) when I was 4. They both were too into drugs to take care of me or my two younger siblings. So, my grandmother's best friend and her husband adopted us. I began to call them my mother and father. In the beginning, things weren't too scary because they had taken care of me since I was born. But after a short while, my new mother began to abuse me. I don't know if it was out of love or anger, if she thought she was doing the right thing, or what, but she would slap me and hit me and verbally abuse me, all at the tender ages of 4/5- 10/12. Once I became a teenager she stopped hitting me and verbally abusing me, probably because I was strong enough to fight back. All throughout those early years, I would try to tell my father (her husband) about these things, and she would always lie about them, saying she didn't know why I would say such a thing. Nowadays I know that my father knows she did these things, and she has admitted to hitting me more than my younger siblings (she never hit them), but she wouldn't admit to the various horribly painful things she would say, or just how frequently or violently she would hit me. So, because of all this, I have since had difficulty establishing romantic relationships with women. I have had two passionate ones, but I was much too insecure and needy for either to last more than a few months.
Perhaps some of you can identify with this story. I am trying to teach myself that rejection is okay, and inevitable, yet I am still too timid to enter into relationships.
It is good to find people who seem to understand the type of situation I have been through.

I'm so sorry about what you had to go through. I've noticed that child abuse impacts people in lots of different ways in the long term. Every coping style is a little unique. Maybe INFPs are more likely to be avoidant and less likely to cover up or redirect that raw emotion. Maybe Fi-Si causes them to get stuck more often in visiting and revisiting the pain of the experience. But no matter what type you are, I would urge you to seek professional counselling if it's still ruling your life. From experience, I'm sure you will get sympathy and support on this forum, but it's no substitute for working on regaining your self worth. I wish you the best.

 

[Stanton Moore]

I am an INFP, and I lost my mother (and father) when I was 4. They both were too into drugs to take care of me or my two younger siblings. So, my grandmother's best friend and her husband adopted us. I began to call them my mother and father. In the beginning, things weren't too scary because they had taken care of me since I was born. But after a short while, my new mother began to abuse me. I don't know if it was out of love or anger, if she thought she was doing the right thing, or what, but she would slap me and hit me and verbally abuse me, all at the tender ages of 4/5- 10/12. Once I became a teenager she stopped hitting me and verbally abusing me, probably because I was strong enough to fight back. All throughout those early years, I would try to tell my father (her husband) about these things, and she would always lie about them, saying she didn't know why I would say such a thing. Nowadays I know that my father knows she did these things, and she has admitted to hitting me more than my younger siblings (she never hit them), but she wouldn't admit to the various horribly painful things she would say, or just how frequently or violently she would hit me. So, because of all this, I have since had difficulty establishing romantic relationships with women. I have had two passionate ones, but I was much too insecure and needy for either to last more than a few months.
Perhaps some of you can identify with this story. I am trying to teach myself that rejection is okay, and inevitable, yet I am still too timid to enter into relationships.
It is good to find people who seem to understand the type of situation I have been through.

I can identify with having trouble with relationships. It's the main story of my life in some ways. I don't remember that much about my childhood, if that tells you anything.

 

[Airwalker]

I recently had a discussion with my mother and in light of this; I stumbled upon this forum through a Google search. By reading this thread I can conclude that my mom is an esfj. In my teen years and early twenties I used to get along good with my mom. But later on I have come to realize that we only got along because, I did what I was told. Even though she gave me the impression that I had freedom in choosing the things I wanted and to develop into being independent, she always manipulated me in such a way that everything I did was something she wanted. So I wasn't really developing myself fully as an individual. Part of this was my fault to. As I did not let my opinions on known.
I moved to another country to go to the university and even though I was in another country, I noticed that I had difficulty in sticking up for myself and seemed to be procrastinating a lot. It was so bad that even a simple thing as going out with friends gave me a strange feeling of guilt, like I was doing something wrong. As the years went by I learned to survive on my own. But always felt like my mother had influence over me. I’m back in my homeland and am 29 now and suddenly I am starting to realize, that I haven’t really lived at all, that I missed out on a lot due to a feeling of fear. I blame myself for letting things just go their way. This realization made me change and now I find that I voice my opinions very strongly and react very strongly on manipulative statements. People who use every kind of word play or mental games to manipulate other people, irritates me to hell and I don’t tolerate this anymore. My mother did this manipulation thing and still does. And now we quarrel a lot.
…a stressed and worried INFP guy.

p.s: I apologize for my bad english

 

[Udog]

I moved to another country to go to the university and even though I was in another country, I noticed that I had difficulty in sticking up for myself and seemed to be procrastinating a lot. It was so bad that even a simple thing as going out with friends gave me a strange feeling of guilt, like I was doing something wrong. As the years went by I learned to survive on my own. But always felt like my mother had influence over me. I’m back in my homeland and am 29 now and suddenly I am starting to realize, that I haven’t really lived at all, that I missed out on a lot due to a feeling of fear. I blame myself for letting things just go their way. This realization made me change and now I find that I voice my opinions very strongly and react very strongly on manipulative statements. People who use every kind of word play or mental games to manipulate other people, irritates me to hell and I don’t tolerate this anymore. My mother did this manipulation thing and still does. And now we quarrel a lot.
…a stressed and worried ISNP guy.

Man, I could have written so much of that. I'm 30 as well, btw. My mother used to make me feel so guilty for going out and doing something fun. She ruined a relationship and played a notable role in breaking up another potential relationship. Standing up for myself can be extremely stressful, because I learned as a child that standing up for myself made me a horrible son and horrible person, and led to me being emotionally pulverized until I was a pile of tears.

I'm 30 now, and also feel like I haven't really lived at all either. Or rather, the life I lived wasn't my own. It was my mom's.

Anyway... here's the good news. You are only 29. So many people don't realize what's going on until they are 40, 50, or even on their death bed. Consider yourself ahead of the game. It's not going to be easy, but by dealing with these issues now, you give yourself a chance to claim your adulthood, be your own person, and live the life you want to live.

Those things aren't easy... but who honestly thinks that the path to joy is an easy one?