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  1. #1
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Default ENFJ's

    What's the best way to show an ENFJ that you are mildly interested, but also still be able to back them off if necessary (without hurting their feelings or pushing them away for good)?

    I am interested in talking to her (we dated briefly some years ago) and more or less deepening the friendship (if something more develops, great - if not, no harm done), but she can sometimes get a little pushy or overbearing as if trying to push the relationship back to the place where it once was. I'm not at that place anymore and while I enjoy talking to her, I want to be able to push back when I need to without hurting her.

    I've said things to other NF's in similiar situations that have hurt them - things that seemed like they needed to be said, but that the NF thought was abrasive or rude.

    The ENFJ texted something to the effect of "I think I'm getting closer to being in a relationship with the person I want to be with". I wanted to say, "Well, next time we talk, you'll have to tell me about him because I know it's not me", but I refrained because I thought it might be too Ti-ish for her.

    It's not that I don't want to talk, but don't push and force things. Advice?

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    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    ^ That phrasing sounds rather passive-aggressive....to me, it's steep with resentment.
    You could say something like, "that sounds good - who is that person?". IDK, it seems more direct without revealing your personal reasons for wanting to know. It also seems more positive and supportive which may make her more inclined to open up to you.
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    Head Pigeon Mad Hatter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    You could say something like, "that sounds good - who is that person?". IDK, it seems more direct without revealing your personal reasons for wanting to know. It also seems more positive and supportive which may make her more inclined to open up to you.
    The way I see it, such a question would make the personal reasons very obvious. For what other reason would you ask such a question?
    Rather than appearing supportive, it might also seem invasive.
    That's my perspective, and maybe I've become a bit hypersensitive about invasiveness.

    Sorry if I'm not offering any real advice here. I just can't relate to the situation - with me it's either infatuation or indifference
    IN SERIO FATVITAS.

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    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    ^ That phrasing sounds rather passive-aggressive....to me, it's steep with resentment.
    You could say something like, "that sounds good - who is that person?". IDK, it seems more direct without revealing your personal reasons for wanting to know. It also seems more positive and supportive which may make her more inclined to open up to you.
    It's me she's talking about in the text. It feels passive-aggressive from her. Instead of saying something direct like, "I hope we can move towards something" she's saying something indirect like that - "the guy" is me. But, I'm not ready to be "that guy" quite yet. I want to continue to talk to her and get closer, but I want her to back off with that stuff because (a) I'm not into her like that at this point (I very much enjoy her company, but I'm not "drawn to her" or on the fast track to love - it's innocent right now for me), and (b) because of the fact that I'm not into her like that, I don't know how to respond to those kinds of things. It feels pushy, forced, and aggrivating.

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    Senior Member TopherRed's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    It's me she's talking about in the text. It feels passive-aggressive from her. Instead of saying something direct like, "I hope we can move towards something" she's saying something indirect like that - "the guy" is me. But, I'm not ready to be "that guy" quite yet. I want to continue to talk to her and get closer, but I want her to back off with that stuff because (a) I'm not into her like that at this point (I very much enjoy her company, but I'm not "drawn to her" or on the fast track to love - it's innocent right now for me), and (b) because of the fact that I'm not into her like that, I don't know how to respond to those kinds of things. It feels pushy, forced, and aggrivating.
    Please, say everything you just said, in a nice way, without holding anything back. If she insists on ignoring you after that point, I would consider breaking off the friendship.
    Love is the point.

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    Senior Member Heinel's Avatar
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    By the way, when ENFJs want to tell you something about you (Like for example, that they know you're gay), do they hint at it by talking about some other gay people that they've met? It seems to be what I am picking up, and not just from one person, even people I've just met for the first time. Am I right about it? Is it toxic?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Heinel View Post
    By the way, when ENFJs want to tell you something about you (Like for example, that you're gay), do they hint at it by talking about some other gay people that they've met? It seems to be what I am picking up, and not just from one person, even people I've just met for the first time. Am I right about it? Is it toxic?
    Are you gay?
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    Senior Member Yloh's Avatar
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    Some people have a one track mind. They know what they want and won't stop until they get it. What I mean by this is some people won't even stop, even though they got a flat out NO. I would flat out let her know what you are feeling regardless of the solution. Nothing is better than the truth.

    This might also be a P vs J issue because you seem to have a "take things as it come" attitude. This girl has a "here is the plan, what it the progress of our friendship, are you ready for the next step yet?" attitude.

    "I am interested in talking to her (we dated briefly some years ago) and more or less deepening the friendship (if something more develops, great - if not, no harm done), but she can sometimes get a little pushy or overbearing as if trying to push the relationship back to the place where it once was. I'm not at that place anymore and while I enjoy talking to her, I want to be able to push back when I need to without hurting her."

    When you put (if something more develops, great - if not, no harm done) it confused me. From what you wrote, you seem like you are only interested in being good friends (and nothing more), but that statement gave me the idea that you seem interested in bringing back the relationship. I know you have a "take it as it comes attitude", but you can't give her ANY hints of "anything more that a friendship". She will devourer those hints and push to make her hopes come true. Tell her you still want to be here friend, but nothing else can happen. Don't give her a possibility of a relationship. Hopefully then she will just allow things to flow.

    Some people really can't have a "take things as they come" attitude. This might be her.

    If she still can't get the message, then you just might have to avoid her until she gets the message.

    Good luck and hope you get some good advise from here.

  9. #9
    Senior Member nynesneg's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Heinel View Post
    By the way, when ENFJs want to tell you something about you (Like for example, that they know you're gay), do they hint at it by talking about some other gay people that they've met? It seems to be what I am picking up, and not just from one person, even people I've just met for the first time. Am I right about it? Is it toxic?
    I highly doubt this has anything to do with ENFJs specifically. More of just someone trying to skirt around a touchy subject without offending the other person. I rarely do this.


    Quote Originally Posted by Yloh View Post
    When you put (if something more develops, great - if not, no harm done) it confused me. From what you wrote, you seem like you are only interested in being good friends (and nothing more), but that statement gave me the idea that you seem interested in bringing back the relationship. I know you have a "take it as it comes attitude", but you can't give her ANY hints of "anything more that a friendship". She will devourer those hints and push to make her hopes come true. Tell her you still want to be here friend, but nothing else can happen. Don't give her a possibility of a relationship. Hopefully then she will just allow things to flow.

    Some people really can't have a "take things as they come" attitude. This might be her.
    This probably has to do with how much interest you guys have in the relationship. I've had times where I just wanted to "take it as it comes" in a friendship/relationship, and other times where I absolutely knew I liked that person and wanted to know a yes or no on the relationship now.

    Like he said you need to give her clear signals, and stick to one way or the other. Don't lead her on at all until you know that's what you want. I can understand the context of her text if you've been off and on flirting with her and she's trying to figure out wtf you want... and you don't know what you want yourself.
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    Senior Member Heinel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nynesneg View Post
    I highly doubt this has anything to do with ENFJs specifically. More of just someone trying to skirt around a touchy subject without offending the other person. I rarely do this.
    So it is toxic? I didn't know my presence bother people that much......

    This probably has to do with how much interest you guys have in the relationship. I've had times where I just wanted to "take it as it comes" in a friendship/relationship, and other times where I absolutely knew I liked that person and wanted to know a yes or no on the relationship now.

    Like he said you need to give her clear signals, and stick to one way or the other. Don't lead her on at all until you know that's what you want. I can understand the context of her text if you've been off and on flirting with her and she's trying to figure out wtf you want... and you don't know what you want yourself.

    But what does it mean to be off and on? I mean, what do you guys expect from introverts (I'm assuming INTPness is one too)?
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