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[ENFJ] ENFJs and distancing

toast

New member
Joined
Oct 22, 2009
Messages
239
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
2w3
Do ENFJs out there run across this phenomenon where you suddenly become very inward and Ti and you have to ignore people or problems to focus on one thing at a time?

I am taking finals at school during the most difficult semester in my experience so far, while juggling the typical responsibilities I bring on myself (which always get harsher in the winter).

I usually cycle a little and use alone time as a last resort when I actually feel almost incapable of dealing with others, I hate it but it becomes necessary every now and then. But this is waaay more than that. I have felt very overwhelmed this past year and I feel like I reached some boiling point. I have sort of put everything on "hold" and in the back of my mind except school.

I feel very little on the surface, and I seem very cold and distant to everyone I'm close to. I have a very intense and difficult relationship that is always a big priority for me & very difficult to put out of my mind, yet I have been able to do it somehow (and I don't believe it is a good thing because my SO definitely isn't happy with it).

So for the past couple of days I have been studying a lot, saying very little, and pretty much unable to access my feelings on anything (for more than a couple seconds). I feel like this has happened to me before, but I don't remember it exactly.

Is anyone else familiar with this? It is not as simple as depression, I've been there... it was a simply ridiculous roller coaster of lows and more lows for me. This is clarity, and its somewhat effective (I don't know how I'd handle these tests without it) but it also feels empty.
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
Joined
Mar 20, 2009
Messages
7,626
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I've noticed ENFJs doing this....I wasn't sure why, and I admit I took the distancing personal, but then they seem to return after their break from contact.
 

toast

New member
Joined
Oct 22, 2009
Messages
239
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
2w3
I've noticed ENFJs doing this....I wasn't sure why, and I admit I took the distancing personal, but then they seem to return after their break from contact.

Well its funny because if I could feel anything, I think I would think its personal. My mind does this thing where it tries to think about how I may be neglecting people, as it would normally do, but then it automatically snaps out of it.

I'm doing this very thing right now, too.

Isn't it so weird? I can't put my finger on what's even happening. I know I've experienced it before... I even remember when, but the concept itself seems so unfamiliar to me that I don't have the clarity of how I actually was during that time & if this was caused by the same trigger.

God I hope I ease out of this & don't explode or something when it all comes back to me. haha!

If this has happened to anyone before, how did you come out of it?
 

Heinel

New member
Joined
Sep 13, 2009
Messages
337
MBTI Type
TiSe
Enneagram
5w4
Why the rush to snap out of it? It's a very good chance for you to see how an ISTP works. When I get an ENFJ moment I let it take reign, even if it embarrasses myself. I think people like me more that way, too.
 

TopherRed

New member
Joined
Jul 28, 2009
Messages
1,272
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
2w3
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
I think it has to do with the functions that school activates in us. Few subjects use much Fe, and serious learning almost certain falls to our inferior Ti--i.e. we can't do our best unless we are locked away in our minds.

That means from everybody else. College isn't the best time for a serious relationship.
 

Poki

New member
Joined
Dec 4, 2008
Messages
10,436
MBTI Type
STP
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
What do you get stuck on? I know with me and Se Ti I can piece together what I see extremely fast, to delve into Ni takes a little more time and effort, and to hit Fe takes a tremendous amount of time and focus and I constantly run into nothing but brick walls over and over until Ni comes into play.

The only thing to do is to escape to what you know, recharge and then jump back in. Se is your tertiary temptation, give in to it, but dont stay there. Put yourself around what is comfortable what you enjoy and know and then focus on the problem. Its all about balance between what you know and what you need to learn.
 

HecticRat

New member
Joined
Dec 1, 2009
Messages
9
MBTI Type
INTP
Do ENFJs out there run across this phenomenon where you suddenly become very inward and Ti and you have to ignore people or problems to focus on one thing at a time?

I am taking finals at school during the most difficult semester in my experience so far, while juggling the typical responsibilities I bring on myself (which always get harsher in the winter).

I usually cycle a little and use alone time as a last resort when I actually feel almost incapable of dealing with others, I hate it but it becomes necessary every now and then. But this is waaay more than that. I have felt very overwhelmed this past year and I feel like I reached some boiling point. I have sort of put everything on "hold" and in the back of my mind except school.

I feel very little on the surface, and I seem very cold and distant to everyone I'm close to. I have a very intense and difficult relationship that is always a big priority for me & very difficult to put out of my mind, yet I have been able to do it somehow (and I don't believe it is a good thing because my SO definitely isn't happy with it).

So for the past couple of days I have been studying a lot, saying very little, and pretty much unable to access my feelings on anything (for more than a couple seconds). I feel like this has happened to me before, but I don't remember it exactly.

Is anyone else familiar with this? It is not as simple as depression, I've been there... it was a simply ridiculous roller coaster of lows and more lows for me. This is clarity, and its somewhat effective (I don't know how I'd handle these tests without it) but it also feels empty.
I'm not an ENFJ and wouldn't know about ENFJs getting like this but I will say that this sounds like me the vast majority of the time. I would just attribute what you're going through to adaptation to whatever position you're in in your life right now. As in, whatever was going on in your life before you found yourself in this state, Fe wasn't suited to get the job done and, evidently, Ti was (and still is).

As an INTP I can say that there've been times where I've found myself unwillingly overtaken by my inferior Fe which resulted in me being unable to handle the slightest jabs at my ego without breaking down into a childish emotional state (and I don't mean that I was in an emotional state, therefore I was childish, I mean that I'm an INTP, therefore all my emotional states are childish). In retrospect, I think that as much embarrassment as these instances caused me, they were necessary in order for me to cope with the situations I was dealing with because Ti wasn't fit to deal with them. That said, if I had just embraced the discomfort of letting Fe take over in healthy doses before said situations degenerated to the point where I had to revert to a childish emotional state in order to deal with them, things would've gone a lot more smoothly.

That's not me saying that you probably didn't let Ti take over enough beforehand, I'm just trying to explain why I think what you're going through is just a matter of your personality adapting to your current situation in life. I don't know why you'd need to adapt, you're probably the only who can figure that out. The only suggestions I feel that are appropriate for me to make are that you may be stuck in Ti mode because you have some big decision(s) to make that need(s) to be made impersonally and you still haven't made it/them yet, or you may just be in a prolonged situation unfit for an ENFJ and more suited to a Thinking type. Like I said though, I don't know why this is happening to you and you're probably the only one who can figure this out. I'm just throwing suggestions out there. At least you're in a state of "empty clarity" though. That ought to help you figure things out.
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
MBTI Type
eNFJ
Enneagram
4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I'm doing this very thing right now, too.

Same here. It seems to be a natural but deep-seated reboot, like REM sleep.

If I've gone deep into the silence, though, it's usually because I'm slowly pulling arrows out of my back and need stasis to process.
 

copperfish17

New member
Joined
Dec 13, 2009
Messages
712
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INTP
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5w4
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sp/so
I know an ENFJ who does that from time to time. I know she'll spring back soon though, so I let her be. I've realized that I just can't push her when she's in "that state."

It does worry me when she starts to say "dark" things (like "no one really cares (about me") though.

Ah, well. Everyone needs to "re-charge" from time to time I think. ;) All I can do is to support her through the had times. She does express gratitude to me for being there for her, so it's all good.
 

JoSunshine

That's my name biotch!
Joined
Dec 17, 2009
Messages
659
MBTI Type
eNfj
Enneagram
2
I call it "complete system reboot". I know it must be frustrating to people at times. I always try to communicate what's going on to people and assure them that I love them and care about them, but just need some time for myself. It seems to help with them not getting angry - I know the "disappearing act" is not entirely fair to them and really do appreciate their understanding and support. I have actually been out of town for MONTHS to "reboot", but I am going back to my "real life" this week. So...yes...I get that way.

As a side note - it's good to ask for help when the feelings of being overwhelmed start, but that is easier said than done...at least for me.
 

Unkindloving

Lungs & Lips Locked
Joined
Dec 10, 2009
Messages
2,963
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
4w5
I tend to get into this state when i recognize what i need to accomplish for myself. It's hard to fully snap out of until i accomplish what i feel i need to. I'll acknowledge issues and trouble that other people are having, that i should attempt to be there for them and would like to, but simply cannot bring myself to it.

Also, i can be pushed into that state (which happens far more frequently than the previously noted sentiment). When it is seeming like others may need help, yet i am feeling particularly judged or in the line of fire i tend to just check out from the situations.
Not sure who else experiences that, but it translates to not needing them to help me so i can help them, but needing them to at least be neutral for me to keep up with them and myself.
 

Neutralpov

New member
Joined
Jun 29, 2009
Messages
310
burn out

As An ENFJ I completely go through what you are talking about. Personally it is because I am now understanding good boundaries and that has helped me significantly, also being able to put my needs and goals as a priority is the second reason. I slip into caring so much for other people they become #1 and that ends up exhausting you when you are always busy on top of it.

There is a great article on NF burnout, or low energy times that I think is greatly insightful on it and how we feel guilty for these time periods.

Link: (NF)Empathist & (SP)Realist

Good quote from link"The EMPATHIST burns out periodically and goes through a low-energy recovery cycle until that intuitive fire is rekindled."

I also have a Myers-Briggs book and I have so many I cannot keep them straight but the ENFJ under stress will look less F and less E. Makes total sense. I am able to be more objective and say no when "burnt out" or low- energy and tired. Seems like the effects of our shadow or just in general less F and E when in the distant phase.
 

Little Linguist

Striving for balance
Joined
Jun 23, 2008
Messages
6,880
MBTI Type
xNFP
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Do ENFJs out there run across this phenomenon where you suddenly become very inward and Ti and you have to ignore people or problems to focus on one thing at a time?

I am taking finals at school during the most difficult semester in my experience so far, while juggling the typical responsibilities I bring on myself (which always get harsher in the winter).

I usually cycle a little and use alone time as a last resort when I actually feel almost incapable of dealing with others, I hate it but it becomes necessary every now and then. But this is waaay more than that. I have felt very overwhelmed this past year and I feel like I reached some boiling point. I have sort of put everything on "hold" and in the back of my mind except school.

I feel very little on the surface, and I seem very cold and distant to everyone I'm close to. I have a very intense and difficult relationship that is always a big priority for me & very difficult to put out of my mind, yet I have been able to do it somehow (and I don't believe it is a good thing because my SO definitely isn't happy with it).

So for the past couple of days I have been studying a lot, saying very little, and pretty much unable to access my feelings on anything (for more than a couple seconds). I feel like this has happened to me before, but I don't remember it exactly.

Is anyone else familiar with this? It is not as simple as depression, I've been there... it was a simply ridiculous roller coaster of lows and more lows for me. This is clarity, and its somewhat effective (I don't know how I'd handle these tests without it) but it also feels empty.

I don't know what my type is, but I can relate. I have periods when I am super busy and always on the go, but when I have a goal (like finals or a test) I turn the other way around, shut out everyone, leave foruming, and stuff and just focus on my goal by turning inward.

Once it is accomplished (successfully) I feel good and have the energy to go again.

Sometimes I get burned out by huge amounts and bouts of extraversion over weeks at a time. My strongest functions are extraverted (all of them), so I will go on overload.

Then I say, "Okay, effers, I need some me time." But I don't say it. I just disappear. And everyone else fades - disappears - and all of a sudden, I'll jump on the scene again like nothing ever happened.

People who know me know that I do not mean it personally, and they accept that weird thing about me.
 

BlueFlame

New member
Joined
Feb 8, 2010
Messages
181
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
3w2
I completely relate to this. When I'm under extreme stress, I have a tendency to fall off the face of the planet for a while. Sometimes I think it's because I tend to be horribly unaware of my needs and feelings; I react to them, anyway, but I reach a point when I realize that I can't *properly* react until I know what the hell they are. And that requires a LOT of energy and focus.
My friends are usually either hurt or concerned the first time it happens (depending on how much contact we normally have and how sensitive or reliant they are), but they realize pretty quickly that it's not personal. It's a requirement for me to keep my sanity. :)
 

toast

New member
Joined
Oct 22, 2009
Messages
239
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
2w3
I'm going to jump back in this thread. I'm still in this "phase." I've decided it is a mixture of college pressure and relating to a very stubborn (at times) ISTP, both seem to constantly force me into Ti... then I have a minor implosion, only to return to this emotional dead zone to cope & get by.

I am not really happy right now, not really sad either, but I'm more & more aware of the bubbling inferno going on underneath it all. I read that ENFJs who suppress feelings in this type of phase manifest signs of stress with their bodies unwittingly. That makes a LOT of sense because I get these little 'spasms' or 'twitches' when I feel something coming on & instantly suppress it.

I think I'm going to leave my ISTP. I am not making a decision while I feel so unstable but I really really need to get out of this place I'm in because it isn't okay. I am very afraid of exploding, because there is no resolution I can see after that.

To be honest, I would leave school if I thought I could handle my ISTP without it. I feel like I could do anything for him but this isn't healthy at all. I have expressed my needs & concerns to him & I've given him time & space but I can't give him support anymore. He wants all three, and he deserves them but I just don't know if I can believe in him anymore. I've been waiting too long for him to come to me, and I'm really feeling like he never will so long as he knows I want him to. I am not okay with that feeling.

He's made a lot of effort to make it work. I don't know if I'm just being negative right now. It always seems like what he gives me is too little, too late. He doesn't seem to try until I'm ready to give up.

Regardless, I just need some advice from other ENFJs on how to get myself through this. I've distanced myself from him for the time being... I've been proactive enough with school to make sure it isn't overwhelming me. I'm afraid letting the walls drop will just send me doing something completely irrational (and very likely harmful to him or me). But keeping this up, I'm certain it's only going to get worse. I can't get too far away from everything (I live with the ISTP & I've started exams).
 

Neutralpov

New member
Joined
Jun 29, 2009
Messages
310
High 5

I completely relate to this. When I'm under extreme stress, I have a tendency to fall off the face of the planet for a while. Sometimes I think it's because I tend to be horribly unaware of my needs and feelings; I react to them... And that requires a LOT of energy and focus.

Woah! Well said BlueFlame. Any more to add to this or expand?
 
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