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[NF] NFs, have you fulfilled your parents' expectations, or not?

do you feel you have fulfilled your parents' expectations/wishes?

  • yes, almost 100% !

    Votes: 3 7.7%
  • pretty good,..about 70%-80% of 'em!

    Votes: 11 28.2%
  • not really,..only about 30%-40% only!

    Votes: 13 33.3%
  • still not, or perhaps never will! it's just damn hard!..

    Votes: 12 30.8%

  • Total voters
    39

niki

New member
Joined
Sep 16, 2007
Messages
210
MBTI Type
INFP
how many of you -especially NFs- feel that you have fulfilled your parents' expectations?
...or perhaps to the contrary, do many of you feel that you often made them sort of 'dissapointed' in you, & what you chose to do/want in life?

this could mean many things, such as:
- you took the uni Major/Degree that your parents want, with the results that your parents also want
- later on, you worked on a job/field that your parents want, with the results that your parents also want
- or, you're married, have kids, according to parents' expectations/wishes

or,
do you rather feel that,
the more 'mature' we are, the more we grow into an Adult,
the reality seems to be we dissapoint our parents much more, than we fulfill/satisfy their expectations/wishes ?

and do you think, it's especially hard for NFs type,
especially if our parents are like, NTs, and much especially, if they're an SJs ?..

what do you guys think on this issue?
let's discuss!
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
YOu can never fulfill them. I tried. I have a steady relationship,and I have a Masters degree. But the fact that I'm not using that masters degree in the way they want me to and building out a carreer, as well as having a 'stable' life, tends to frustrate them.

It hurts to disappoint them, but I've quit trying to make them happy as it makes me miserable and it seems to be impossible to do. They've sort of come to terms with it, though it is still a sore point for them when it comes up.
 

Lacey

New member
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
392
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
It's hard to say. My parents are pretty flexible.

I went to college, but it would have been okay if I hadn't (as long as I was working or doing something). They're excited about what I'm studying, but really anything would have been fine.

There was a period of time where I seriously thought about being a dancer. And I remember my mom saying something to the effect of, "You better prepare yourself. The starving-artist way of life isn't easy." But she didn't mean that I shouldn't have done it. She really just meant that I would have to work my ass off.

I guess it all boils down to: Do whatever you like to do, but do well/try your hardest. Be responsible. Be a decent human being.

The only thing I'm worried about is the get married/provide grandchild(ren) thing. haha I know my mom would really like that. I'm still young though, so hopefully I end up fulfilling that eventually.
 

niki

New member
Joined
Sep 16, 2007
Messages
210
MBTI Type
INFP
It's hard to say. My parents are pretty flexible.

I went to college, but it would have been okay if I hadn't (as long as I was working or doing something). They're excited about what I'm studying, but really anything would have been fine.

There was a period of time where I seriously thought about being a dancer. And I remember my mom saying something to the effect of, "You better prepare yourself. The starving-artist way of life isn't easy." But she didn't mean that I shouldn't have done it. She really just meant that I would have to work my ass off.

I guess it all boils down to: Do whatever you like to do, but do well/try your hardest. Be responsible. Be a decent human being.

The only thing I'm worried about is the get married/provide grandchild(ren) thing. haha I know my mom would really like that. I'm still young though, so hopefully I end up fulfilling that eventually.

I'm glad that your parents are the flexible type..
because not all parents are that 'flexible, open-minded' ,
especially in Asian culture, many Asian parents seem to push their expectations into their kids, & causing the kids unbearable stress, to the extreme point of comitting suicide.. definitely not a good thing for the kids' psyche, and life!

my parents are, unfortunately, the 'rigid, very stern' type,
that they seem to want me to follow/fulfill whatever expectation they have for me, in university degree, and now, most especially -which causes me HUGE stress currently- in career-choice, and money.
I am often sad, by how they, especially my dad, kinda see me as 'useless' kid, and 'impractical, slow' one.
my parents are of IS type, I think my dad is an ISTJ/P
and my mom is an ISFJ.
and I am an INFP,..it is sad how often our values & opinions often clash, especially now at my "adult" age of 27 yrs old :(

how I often wish I could make them smile & happy,
but it seems to be more & more difficult to make them happy, especially proud of me..
everything I do seems lacking in their eyes, or not according to their expectations/wants.
it causes me a huge confusions, and also stress, because at one side, I always want to make them proud,
but on another side, I am so afraid that I'll probably never able to make them proud/fulfill their expectations,..as our values in life is just soo...different!

I often just don't know what to do..
in fact, just this afternoon, my dad once again scorned me, and view me as 'no-good' person..!

I am making this thread, also to see if in general, whether culture plays a huge role in shaping the parents into the 'open-minded' type, or the 'rigid, stern' one.

btw, Lacey, I've noticed that your "Location" is in Tokyo,
just wondering, are you an Asian (japanese),
or from West, but stays in Tokyo?
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
Joined
May 22, 2008
Messages
3,166
MBTI Type
INFP
As far as mom's concerned, I have, but to her the expectations were more abstract than those of my farther. I'll be "good person" gladly, but dad wants more practical things, even if he doesn't often tell me about them. I should be normal and work every day, get married, have family, the normal stuff. And I have nothing against these, but if I don't have the right work and the right woman to settle down with, it is waste of time reminding me about them as if that would make the right one to come faster.
 

Nonsensical

New member
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Aug 2, 2008
Messages
4,006
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7
My father (only parent) will love me just the same no matter what I do or where I go- He's an INFP. And that is all that matters..more than expectations. If your parents truly love you, then expectations only go so far in determining a relationship.
 

BlueScreen

Fail 2.0
Joined
Nov 8, 2008
Messages
2,668
MBTI Type
YMCA
Yeh, I've got an INTP and an INFJ for parents. We live on different planets. I'll probably never fulfil their definition of success. Most times I succeed at something they think I cruised and underperformed, or didn't get it and lucked out. They think I'm meant to take an orderly well structured approach where I do things in an organised manner or something. If I do that and achieve a tenth of the amount, apparently I've matured and found success. Or maybe then they can see me going somewhere.

That isn't to say I don't have awesome parents. In a strange way this set up has always driven me to try for more and up the challenge. One day they'll like it done my way :).
 

Charmed Justice

Nickle Iron Silicone
Joined
Jul 22, 2009
Messages
2,805
MBTI Type
INFJ
No, and I never will.:) I actually didn't understand that until about five years ago, so I spent a lot of time desperately trying to accomplish the impossible. I'm finally beginning to acknowledge those things that are true and real for me without as many feelings of guilt and betrayal.
 

cooliogirly1000

New member
Joined
Sep 25, 2009
Messages
44
I think my parents are ENTJ and ISTJ and I don't think I will ever fulfill their expectations, even though I have worked my ass off all my life. They're just too critical. I have tried to make them happy in the expense of myself unfortunately. I think its that 'win-win' situation, I tried to find a middle ground. Now I realised there isn't any because I let go of things that I wanted, thinking that they know best. I'm in the process of changing this mindset.
 

Queen Kat

The Duchess of Oddity
Joined
Apr 3, 2009
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My father actually wanted me to become normal, get good grades and choose to work in a laboratory, but that didn't happen. I became strange, get lower grades and will never be able to work in a laboratory. He doesn't like it, but I don't care. This is just the way things went. If you told anyone what my life would look like right now 6 years ago, no one would have believed it. Things turned out for the worst, even worse than I expected it could be, and we'll all just have to go and live with it.
 

Snuggletron

Reptilian
Joined
Sep 25, 2009
Messages
2,224
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INFP
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if your parents expect you to be a certain person and make certain choices, they're probably dicks. My parents never gave me an expectation (other than be respectful, good, etc.). Why would they?
 

Wonkavision

Retired Member
Joined
Jan 14, 2009
Messages
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Well, I suppose I'm pretty lucky, in that my parents never made me feel like I had to do anything in particular.

They were not perfect parents by any stretch of the imagination, but I have never felt pressured by them.

I think they both had hoped I'd be a famous artist by now, but they've always said they just wanted me to do whatever made me happy.

I think that, more than anything else, they are pleased that I'm a father.

As far as my parents are concerned, there is no greater accomplishment than raising children.

I'm not positive about it, but I believe my mother is an INFJ, and that my father is either an ISFJ or ISTJ.

I am very different from my parents, and I'm not sure they understand me, but they've always been very supportive.
 

Requeim

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Apr 15, 2009
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473
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So far i have, i feel like that's going to change after i'm done with school lol

I'm sure my ESTJ sister has that side covered though :zzz:


edit: just have to add, that there probably aren't any expectations at all, but i'm still compared to my sister alot i feel
 

Chunes

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Sep 9, 2009
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I have completely failed to meet my ESTJ father's expectations, and in fact have inadvertently spat on them and crushed them into the ground with my feet.

My IxFP mother is wise and flexible, allowing me to set my own expectations.
 

Lacey

New member
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
392
MBTI Type
INFP
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I am making this thread, also to see if in general, whether culture plays a huge role in shaping the parents into the 'open-minded' type, or the 'rigid, stern' one.

btw, Lacey, I've noticed that your "Location" is in Tokyo,
just wondering, are you an Asian (japanese),
or from West, but stays in Tokyo?
I'm an American studying in Tokyo. But I've seen the immense pressure my Japanese friends are under...and I definitely think it's not coming directly from their parents, but the society at large. So, the parents are under pressure too...they don't want their children to face society's scorn. It's a tough situation...

I'm sorry you feel that pressure. I wish I had something more helpful to say...
 

niki

New member
Joined
Sep 16, 2007
Messages
210
MBTI Type
INFP
My father actually wanted me to become normal, get good grades and choose to work in a laboratory, but that didn't happen. I became strange, get lower grades and will never be able to work in a laboratory. He doesn't like it, but I don't care. This is just the way things went. If you told anyone what my life would look like right now 6 years ago, no one would have believed it. Things turned out for the worst, even worse than I expected it could be, and we'll all just have to go and live with it.

do you mean, now that you started not to care to fulfill your father's expectation for you to work in a laboratory,
now things turned out for the worst?..is it?
but don't you feel at least happier, because you are now being more true for yourself?
please correct me if i'm wrong.
thx.
 

Queen Kat

The Duchess of Oddity
Joined
Apr 3, 2009
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do you mean, now that you started not to care to fulfill your father's expectation for you to work in a laboratory,
now things turned out for the worst?..is it?
but don't you feel at least happier, because you are now being more true for yourself?
please correct me if i'm wrong.
thx.

Well, I screwed up everything. I can't (and don't want to) fulfill my father's expectations, but I screwed up other things as well, things that are important to ME. That's pretty frustrating.
 

scortia

New member
Joined
May 23, 2009
Messages
201
MBTI Type
INFJ
Everything except getting married and having 2.5 kids.
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
Joined
Mar 20, 2009
Messages
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MBTI Type
INFP
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sp/sx
I gave a lengthy answer in the same thread in the bonfire...

I was not given any explicit expectations from my parents and my artistic inclinations were always encouraged. My mom most expresses that she is proud of me when I fulfill family obligations and make my religion a priority. Those are her two biggest values, so career, degree, money, possessions, etc, mean little to her. If she feels I am slipping away from those values, she will guilt trip a little. She also emphasizes self-sacrifice and that sort of thing.
 
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