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Thread: INFJ Rage?

  1. #1
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    Default INFJ Rage?

    What's the typical way that INFJs show their anger?

    My mom's an INFJ, and I noticed that for weeks she won't get mad at anything--and then she'll just burst one day over something minor. She'll spend around five to seven hours extremely angry; at first not talking to anyone, then yelling about things in the past, and then not talking again. After someone apologizes, she'll just be back to normal again. It's really confusing to me.

    Is this typical of an angry INFJ? And what makes them forgive someone?

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    Crazy Diamond Billy's Avatar
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    I think its differnt for everyone. An INFJ who hasnt learned how to be angry when they have been wronged will probably bottle up a LOT of anger and frustration which can explode with much more ferocity later on.

    I figured this out when I repressed years and years of misery and hatred from shit that happened to me as a boy and it exploded in one horrible drunken night with a massive panic attack followed by me utterly destroying all the furniture in my house and my laptop in an uncontrollable fit of drunken rage.

    Thats a bit on the extreme side though. I find INFJs can also be passive aggressive, because they are always keeping score in their head with the people they know. Which is what confuses people when we blow up and bring up 50 things they did to us in the past that we "let slide" until we couldnt let anything else slide any more.

  3. #3
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    I can't speak for other INFJ's but that's exactly what I do as well. Things accumulate and then...kaboom...everything explodes. It fades pretty fast, though. The silent treatment, maybe you can even call it the martyr thing, is what I do the "best".

    Quote Originally Posted by Billy View Post
    Thats a bit on the extreme side though. I find INFJs can also be passive aggressive, because they are always keeping score in their head with the people they know. Which is what confuses people when we blow up and bring up 50 things they did to us in the past that we "let slide" until we couldnt let anything else slide any more.
    Oh, yes. The "List", as I call it. It's not a conscious score-keeping, though. These are just small instances that stay at the back of the mind and in time things just accumulate to the point where it boils over. I can let go of so many things but I guess the residue remains to some extent. And it's not like rubbing in someone's past mistakes to hurt them. It's more about clearing the air, but it happens to be all at once, so it will come as a surprise to people, that's for sure.



    Forgiving somebody depends on the offense, of course. How serious it was. But I think that the most important part in forgiving people is seeing that they truly are able to admit their mistakes if they have been wrong. They should be able to recognize their own part in it and genuinely want to amend things. Seeing somebody fake it is not going to make things better.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Billy View Post
    I think its differnt for everyone. An INFJ who hasnt learned how to be angry when they have been wronged will probably bottle up a LOT of anger and frustration which can explode with much more ferocity later on.

    I figured this out when I repressed years and years of misery and hatred from shit that happened to me as a boy and it exploded in one horrible drunken night with a massive panic attack followed by me utterly destroying all the furniture in my house and my laptop in an uncontrollable fit of drunken rage.

    Thats a bit on the extreme side though. I find INFJs can also be passive aggressive, because they are always keeping score in their head with the people they know. Which is what confuses people when we blow up and bring up 50 things they did to us in the past that we "let slide" until we couldnt let anything else slide any more.
    Oh, I guess the whole 'keeping score' thing makes sense. I just thought that if she was really upset about something, she'd talk it out right away so she can forget about it and move on faster. I don't know, I just thought that tackling problems one at a time right away would usually cause less pain/drama.


    Quote Originally Posted by Sky is BLUE! View Post
    I can't speak for other INFJ's but that's exactly what I do as well. Things accumulate and then...kaboom...everything explodes. It fades pretty fast, though. The silent treatment, maybe you can even call it the martyr thing, is what I do the "best".

    Forgiving somebody depends on the offense, of course. How serious it was. But I think that the most important part in forgiving people is seeing that they truly are able to admit their mistakes if they have been wrong. They should be able to recognize their own part in it and genuinely want to amend things. Seeing somebody fake it is not going to make things better.
    Hm...I guess I just accept that then....and stay off of that "List." >.>
    Apparently, I apologize correctly though, so that's good.



    Thanks a lot for the input guys, it really helps.

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    Welcome to Sunnyside Mondo's Avatar
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    From my experience, I'd say very passive aggressive...
    Even though they are J's, at times, you can poke fun at every aspect of them and they won't care.. but another time.. one comment on makeup and you get a whole load of shit.
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    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    My mother-in-law is an INFJ. She's usually manipulative and passive-aggressive when she's angry. She lays some serious guilt trips, and then tries to appear as though she really didn't, which she has perfected. When she's really ticked off, she pouts, slams doors(her favorite), cries, and sometimes threatens to leave the country, or maybe have a heart-attack or something else extremely drastic. She also does the silent treatment for extended periods of time. Thank gawd she's never really been angry with me, but she does these things to her sons quite effectively. Once she's over it though, she's over it. She's not a grudge holder. Joking with her works well when she's mad.
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnFpFer View Post
    My mother-in-law is an INFJ. She's usually manipulative and passive-aggressive when she's angry. She lays some serious guilt trips, and then tries to appear as though she really didn't, which she has perfected. When she's really ticked off, she pouts, slams doors(her favorite), cries, and sometimes threatens to leave the country, or maybe have a heart-attack or something else extremely drastic. She also does the silent treatment for extended periods of time. Thank gawd she's never really been angry with me, but she does these things to her sons quite effectively. Once she's over it though, she's over it. She's not a grudge holder. Joking with her works well when she's mad.
    Some of that stuff doesnt sound INFJish to me, but I can see how it could be the tools an INFJ would use if they were immature. Specifically the emotional manipulation and guilt trip stuff. I would personally rather hold that stuff in as not to look like I am being needy in an argument. But if someone hits my buttons in just the right way there is no telling how I might react. I have only ever "exploded" in a fight with someone a few times in my life, when I did though I noticed they shut up and listened because I so rarely lose my composure like that and if I do its something big, even if the reasons I am tossing out aren't the main cause and are just side effects.

    When someone angers me my initial reaction is usually to just hold it in and ignore them and make a point of not talking to them and cutting them out of my life for a bit until they come to know I am mad at them... since this usually doesnt occur until way after the initial event that sparked the cut off, they usually think its out of the blue when its anything but.

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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    I tend to work it out in my mind. Sometimes I get angry, imagine a way to resolve it, then step back and analyze it, etc. It is rare that it makes itself apparent in the outside world, but perhaps occasionally. The main incident I can think of within the last year involved me breaking down a lot of kindling in the forest with the occasional roaring, growly noises.
    So you're saying you usually just solve the problem in your head? That's awesome.

    Quote Originally Posted by EnFpFer View Post
    My mother-in-law is an INFJ. She's usually manipulative and passive-aggressive when she's angry. She lays some serious guilt trips, and then tries to appear as though she really didn't, which she has perfected. When she's really ticked off, she pouts, slams doors(her favorite), cries, and sometimes threatens to leave the country, or maybe have a heart-attack or something else extremely drastic. She also does the silent treatment for extended periods of time. Thank gawd she's never really been angry with me, but she does these things to her sons quite effectively. Once she's over it though, she's over it. She's not a grudge holder. Joking with her works well when she's mad.
    That sounds exactly like my mom. Especially the crying and threatening to leave thing. Oh, sometimes she throws stuff off the coffee table too. Yeah, I noticed the joking thing too, but haven't been able to understand that. She actually laughs during some of her silent treatments.

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    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    EnFpFer's MIL doesn't sound typical (or at least sounds immature).

    In most cases, I can solve the problem in my head by looking at things from the other person's point of view, considering surrounding circumstances and reasons for certain behaviour etc. When it has been ongoing though and the other person isn't recognizing that I've already cut them a lot of slack, or if I have been unusually blunt and nothing's changing, or if I am at a low ebb physically (lack of sleep etc) or emotionally (other things using up my emotional energy), I will react similarly to the behaviour described in the OP. I think it comes from sucking things up, trying to see the situation from other sides, making huge efforts to avoid overreacting and then the dam finally bursting. Yet if there are signs of remorse, I hate being on bad terms with anyone, nor do I like feeling angry. I have learned over time to try to say something sooner before it gets to that point, because it is very confusing for others to deal with.

    Regarding being teased about something and it being sometimes okay and sometimes not - usually it is a matter of trying to not be oversensitive, but if it happens more than a couple times (particularly in public, about multiple incidents or about a particular sore spot), sometimes my emotional cup just overflows and I either feel angry or hurt. INFJs are very easily embarrassed, hard on themselves and also very self-conscious. Having others publicly draw attention to their foibles and laugh at them first feels like an intentional and real rejection of the INFJ, even when the INFJ understands intellectually that the person meant no malice. It is better to avoid this entirely!

  10. #10
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Joking does work quite effectively, but only for a certain amount of time. If it's an ongoing problem, the roots of it need to be resolved. If I just realize I'm being silly, I'll probably end up laughing.

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