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Thread: ENFP Coming Out

  1. #1
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    Default ENFP Coming Out

    Hey everybody. I'm an 18-year old ENFP guy and I recently informed all my closest friends that I was gay. I've known this about myself since I was in 7th grade (meaning I was 12 or 13) and I kept this fact inside of me until I was 17, at which point I told a good friend of mine. I have now, since I came to college, told many more people, including the rest of my closest friends.

    Being an ENFP (or rather, being myself), I am used to having every part of me known. I have described the way I view myself in the past as being somewhat like that of a character in a novel, in that things about me aren't known or written until I've made them clear externally in a story involving that trait of mine or have demonstrated the trait in action. Essentially, I am used to making it clear to people who I am and am not used to having important things, like my homosexuality, trapped inside of me. The externalization of that sort of thing is incredibly important to me.

    Needless to say, I suffered for a few years, feeling this intense stress inside of my chest where I believed my secret was kept; I often described the presence of such a feeling in my writing as being akin to have something rotten inside of me. Since I have come out, I have discussed with my closest friend what such an experience would do to me as a person. I am not claiming that what I felt was at all traumatic, but I think such a thing would certainly affect an individual. For example, he suggested that it could be the reason I have always had my characteristic desire for attention, or possibly why I enjoy talking and writing so much (all acts of externalization), or the reason that I desire reassurance from others so frequently.

    Part of me wonders whether the experience of being closeted created who I am today or if I just handled the experience the way any other ENFP would. Are things like personality type decided before the age of thirteen or are they still forming then?

    Basically, I guess I am curious what role all of you believe an experience like I experienced would play in the formation of my type, if any at all. Any thoughts are welcome.

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    Cool bro!

    Nothing's worth denying who you are!

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    Quote Originally Posted by hard_rain View Post
    Hey everybody. I'm an 18-year old ENFP guy and I recently informed all my closest friends that I was gay. I've known this about myself since I was in 7th grade (meaning I was 12 or 13) and I kept this fact inside of me until I was 17, at which point I told a good friend of mine. I have now, since I came to college, told many more people, including the rest of my closest friends.

    Being an ENFP (or rather, being myself), I am used to having every part of me known. I have described the way I view myself in the past as being somewhat like that of a character in a novel, in that things about me aren't known or written until I've made them clear externally in a story involving that trait of mine or have demonstrated the trait in action. Essentially, I am used to making it clear to people who I am and am not used to having important things, like my homosexuality, trapped inside of me. The externalization of that sort of thing is incredibly important to me.

    Needless to say, I suffered for a few years, feeling this intense stress inside of my chest where I believed my secret was kept; I often described the presence of such a feeling in my writing as being akin to have something rotten inside of me. Since I have come out, I have discussed with my closest friend what such an experience would do to me as a person. I am not claiming that what I felt was at all traumatic, but I think such a thing would certainly affect an individual. For example, he suggested that it could be the reason I have always had my characteristic desire for attention, or possibly why I enjoy talking and writing so much (all acts of externalization), or the reason that I desire reassurance from others so frequently.

    Part of me wonders whether the experience of being closeted created who I am today or if I just handled the experience the way any other ENFP would. Are things like personality type decided before the age of thirteen or are they still forming then?

    Basically, I guess I am curious what role all of you believe an experience like I experienced would play in the formation of my type, if any at all. Any thoughts are welcome.
    I think the way you dealt with it sounds very Fe to me. I had never felt the need to tell others of my sexuality. I guess my beliefs on the matter had some influences as well (I believe sexuality exists on a spectrum, it was never a straight or gay matter. The term homosexual was originally created for stigmatization. People attracted to the same sex pre-date the term itself.)

    But even without that, for me, I never had any doubts about who I am, and I think it sort of showed in my actions. So even if I don't tell, people can see it anyway. Yeah, I got picked on in high school because of it, but it never occurred to me that I had anything to hide, or that if I do, I could. In hindsight it looked like I did deal with it in a very Pi kind of way.
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    I'm currently involved with a guy who's primarily homosexual and ENFP. It's only recently he's come to terms with it, though I think he's been very aware of it all his life. He's at the few occasions where he likes girls, though, things like breasts, but for the most part it has always been a male sexual interest for him.

    I don't think it's necessarily an Fe thing at all to want others to know about traits like that. He's very bold about who he is, even if he's insecure. He told all of his friends and most of his family very quickly that he was gay, and most of them shrugged it off, while a few already guessed it back in grade school, so it's also true that it probably shows through actions beforehand.

    I, on the other hand, am very bisexual. I've never really told anyone outright that I have homosexual desires because I simply acted pretty obviously when they came up. Then again, I don't know if it's as big an issue for a girl have an attraction to other girls -- in fact, from my experience, girls have attractions to each other naturally.

    My Fe wants me to put on a social act in a way that I can pass off my 'alternative' sexuality as something completely normal and acceptable, rather than something unique and special I need to inform everyone of. So when my significant other 'came out,' he presented it as a huge deal, which was confounding to me. He even got very upset and offended when I acted 'as if' it wasn't a big deal, because to him, it really was. His Fi was intensely afraid of how others would perceive him. The other ENFP gays he knows are very similar in their reactions. Fi drives me nuts.

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    Quote Originally Posted by hard_rain View Post
    Hey everybody. I'm an 18-year old ENFP guy and I recently informed all my closest friends that I was gay. I've known this about myself since I was in 7th grade (meaning I was 12 or 13) and I kept this fact inside of me until I was 17, at which point I told a good friend of mine. I have now, since I came to college, told many more people, including the rest of my closest friends.
    I'm extremely curious about how you or other people found this out, I suppose sexuality or sexual orientation.
    My apologies if this is too off-topic

    I am now 19 and still a virgin, haven't kissed either sex (once tried to hug back). Upon learning the differences between sex, sexual orientation/sexuality, and gender; i'm now trying to question that.. thing. I used to lump together gender and sexual orientation initially, and I don't know. The one time I was closest to a girl I was sitting at a table uncontrollably smiling and looking at a poster away while anxious if I recall.
    Hopefully this isn't a deficiency of interpersonal development.
    I'm not often comfortable close to someone, although i'm fine telling someone that I don't really know.
    Can somebody relate? I still do wish for intimacy. I've spent months fantasizing being with people - better or worse.
    What's that first step to finding out?

    Again, if this is a red herring, I can switch it to another thread.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ekeh Mayu View Post
    I'm extremely curious about how you or other people found this out, I suppose sexuality or sexual orientation.
    My apologies if this is too off-topic

    I am now 19 and still a virgin, haven't kissed either sex (once tried to hug back). Upon learning the differences between sex, sexual orientation/sexuality, and gender; i'm now trying to question that.. thing. I used to lump together gender and sexual orientation initially, and I don't know. The one time I was closest to a girl I was sitting at a table uncontrollably smiling and looking at a poster away while anxious if I recall.
    Hopefully this isn't a deficiency of interpersonal development.
    I'm not often comfortable close to someone, although i'm fine telling someone that I don't really know.
    Can somebody relate? I still do wish for intimacy. I've spent months fantasizing being with people - better or worse.
    What's that first step to finding out?

    Again, if this is a red herring, I can switch it to another thread.
    Not to be alarmist, or an arm-chair psychiatrist, but this strikes me right off the bat as sounding like the sort of issues that come up with the autistic spectrum disorders; delayed socializing, sexuality, speech, etc. You could be maturing more slowly, or you could end up being asexual. There are lots of variations in sexuality.

    I started to figure out I was bi/pansexual at the age of three. By the time I was six I was practicing it, and now at 28, been there, done that. You generally have a twinge or an inkling of where you're focused sexually. For some people with paraphilias, it's not people at all.

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