I avoid getting into conflict- myself- like the plague because of this. Yet I don't avoid conflict at all if it doesn't involve me. Iím too eager to jump in, trying to help resolve conflict going on around me.
Example: one friend Iíve had for close to twenty years claims to be INFJ. Sheís got an explosive temper. She misunderstands things that I say constantly, taking things as personal criticism that actually have nothing to do with her. She acts and says things before thinking all the time. She has almost the worst tunnel vision of anyone Iíve ever been friends with. Sheís certainly the most judgmental. On the surface, she definitely doesnít appear INFJ.
Yet the more I learn about Ni, Iíve come to realize that many of the qualities I didnít consider ĎINFJ characteristicsí per se were very likely a result of a super sensitive Ni. I think my friend is just an example of what happens when Ni spins out of control, starts behaving like Cornholeo (from Beavis & Butthead) and stages a coup over the other functions.
Ultimately, I suspect that the first step is figuring out if I donít think the person is INFJ because I donít like certain aspects about the person and feel threatened by the notion he/she could be the same type as me. Iíve done this. It can definitely cloud judgment. There are a few people Iíve come across- a couple in real life- that just donít embody the qualities I typically associate with INFJ (a clear sense of empathy that I can relate to, the tendency to deconstruct conflict rather than systematically contribute to it, etc). Yet once I can turn the assessment into something I want to understand- rather than wanting to disprove- I can begin to spot how it might possibly be true.
Mostly I look for Ni. And it gets tricky, because it doesnít look exactly the same in everyone who is Ni dominant. The best Iíve come up with personally is that Ni tends to make most of the INFJs I know question, ďwhy?Ē about their own behavior/opinions and the behavior/opinions of others to the extent that itís actually often inconvenient for the people around them at one point or another. *hoping that last statement made sense*