[INFP] INFPs - Your Openess with Problems/Feelings/etc

[BerberElla]

I used to do this when I was younger, as I mistakenly took the question: 'How are you' to actually mean something instead of be an empty greeting. I didn't grasp the concept behind it as I couldn't understand why you would ask a question and then not wanna hear a genuine answer. I also am principally against lying. Still cringe when I have to lie to that question.


These days I've learned that most cannot handle what they perceive as emotional drama when answering that question truthfully. I only share with my boyfriend or, if it really spills over and people can notice my mood and I no longer have the energy to do the cover-up thing and I cannot leave, I'll explain in short to those who ask, so they don't worry unnecessarily or feel excluded. At rare occasions, usually when I'm sleepdeprived, irritated and stressed, I'll actually rant and vent publicly. I seriously try to warn people when it happens ( I can feel it coming on without being able to stop it), and try to make amends later on.

This is so me, infact because I'm quite stressed at home with an unresolved issue, whenever I wake, those moments between opening my eyes and having a coffee are full of ranty ventings. That I have to apologize for, even though I actually really feel that way, I'm just expressing it in an unhealthy way and that's the part I;m apologizing for.

People think I am very open, but as someone said on the first page, I'm only open with resolved issues, things I have already acted on. Things I'm still stuck with, I can't really talk about because I'm still working through the emotions surrounding them, and it's too vunerable a state to expose to someone who is only going to give me a long list of action points to improve the situation, when I'm not quite ready to.

I'm even only open to a certain degree online, the days where I'm really in need of someone to talk to, are the days I don't even post on here. I just keep it to myself, and become a lurker until I've dealt with it, or have resolved the emotions around it.

I'm open with my life, I will tell anyone who asks where am at with my life, but I am closed with my emotions, I can't even say I love you because it's a private feeling sometimes.

 

[TheMonocle]

You mean with anyone? And about problems that are ongoing or solved? Myself, I usually don't talk about my problems, but feel a need to do so. Sometimes, when asked for by someone I trust, I will talk, but how much depends on how much I trust them and how much they already know. It's not like I want to be secretive, I think it is more like you said, I don't want to dump my shit on other people. I know that I am ultimately the one to solve any problem I am having. And I'm not looking for answers when I talk. It is more like a release of pressure.

Ok... History here. I didn't use to have this problem, but I've spent 16 years around mostly ST's I think. I didn't grow up in this environment. I've learned that being myself around them is going to cause enormous amounts of drama. They are extremely old fashioned and seem to care more about what organization they belong to and how much status they have. Don't get me wrong here... People obviously have to have money, but I've become the pet project. I don't want to attend family functions, participate in their "new letters", or shop for something showy. My husband is the oddball. And me... well it's about like an episode of Dharma and Greg.
I've kept my mouth closed for years and recently decided I couldn't take it anymore. Them pushing their way on everyone goes against my values. I'm about allowing people to be who they are as long as there is no harm from it.

Yeah, sounds familiar. This is a tricky thing, since there really are risks in opening up, but there are also great rewards. It seems that it is best to not give anyone too much to chew on, even if they are genuinely interested in it. The problem is with interpretations. You give them a lot and they are sure to filter it somehow and that leads to misunderstandings. On top of that, how can you even get these things to words, and how can you expect anyone to decipher the words into the same idea? I have screwed up many times pouring out too much on people.

I feel much more comfortable with expressing my emotions through artistic mediums while they are intense. Channeling them in constructive ways.

Oh and the whole, How are you today thing... I was oblivious to that one until college. I thought people actually wanted to know. It wasn't until one of my sociology profs told me that it's a greeting that I actually thought about it. I remember telling him, "So ... I'm supposed to lie?"

 

[Lauren]

Lots and lots of internal dialogue which results in either a change in life style or life philosophy. At least that's what I do.

Yup. If I'm emotionally overwhelmed by a situation, or confused, I have to process it, ruminate about it, before saying or doing anything. I talk out loud to myself a lot in those situations, which I used to be embarrassed about until I realized a lot of people do it. (Not in view of anyone, of course). My cat does get an earful, sweet thing, as well as my sister

I'm torn, though, over whether staying silent, deciding, and then acting (Ne)is best if confronted with an emotional dilemma (of the heart). I read someone here saying that it's good for INFPs to get past being uncomfortable with their emotional intensity and learn to center yourself, and then just dive in and say what's on your mind. Then, see what follows. I think this can unplug things as it brings the other person in. You get information from them: their own feelings and thoughts. By just going inside myself, it's a one way dialogue. It precludes possibilities that might emerge by engaging in the actual moment. On the other hand, voicing too much or saying something at the wrong time can close off possibilities. I tire sometimes of being in my head too much.

 

[nolla]

Ok... History here. I didn't use to have this problem, but I've spent 16 years around mostly ST's I think. I didn't grow up in this environment. I've learned that being myself around them is going to cause enormous amounts of drama.
---
I've kept my mouth closed for years and recently decided I couldn't take it anymore. Them pushing their way on everyone goes against my values. I'm about allowing people to be who they are as long as there is no harm from it.

I had (or have, I'm not sure) this issue with my father. It went on from when I got out of high school until just a year ago. What happened was that he and his wife had a "talk" with me when I was visiting them. Basically the content was that all I was doing at the moment was waste of time. They wanted to motivate me getting a grip but ended up telling me that everything I had done for the past ten years is not worth anything since I am now unemployed and don't have a family of my own. I am not really trying to make this sound more dramatic than what it was... Well, the discussion ended up when I got frustrated not getting my voice heard and left. The next day I made a call and while I counter-attacked their arguments, or told them my version of the "facts", I also told that I have no interest in coming to visit them if everything I've done in my life will be judged like that. Somehow, I'm still not sure how, the point got through. Now, a year later, I can see that their attitude has been changing towards me and other people. And they were like that for as long as I remember. Not that they ever were so direct about it, but there always was this judgment on people.

I am actually quite surprised that I could get it through to them. I was mentally prepared to not seeing them ever again, this ultimatum was the only one, and the last one there was going to be if they insisted getting it their way. But, I guess that when it is coming from a conforming person like me, they take it more seriously. I don't know if this is a good example for you since I'm sure there are more subtle ways of doing it. I just was so tired of that stuff I didn't even care if it had blown up on my face.

I'm torn, though, over whether staying silent, deciding, and then acting (Ne)is best if confronted with an emotional dilemma (of the heart). I read someone here saying that it's good for INFPs to get past being uncomfortable with their emotional intensity and learn to center yourself, and then just dive in and say what's on your mind. Then, see what follows. I think this can unplug things as it brings the other person in. You get information from them: their own feelings and thoughts. By just going inside myself, it's a one way dialogue. It precludes possibilities that might emerge by engaging in the actual moment. On the other hand, voicing too much or saying something at the wrong time can close off possibilities. I tire sometimes of being in my head too much.

I would say that I use both of these ways, but I don't actually solve anything by talking with people. Still, it is useful to do so, because of the different perspective you get. I am sure that I did waste a lot of time thinking through things on my own as I was blind to certain facts. But at that time I didn't have people I could count on. So, it may have just stuck with me, the attitude of not asking for support. It is such a relief to be able to tell someone what's on your mind and still be accepted. It doesn't fix the dilemma in a logical way but it gets some of the emotions out. After that I will still need to get the problem logically solved and integrated in my philosophy.

And you know, usually I can trust that when I am spontaneously talking about these things, all goes well. I mean that I don't decide now that tomorrow I am going to bring up a subject, that doesn't work. But if the subject does come up, Ne is quite trustworthy.

 

[hazzle92]

I chose 3, but thinking about it I'm actually 2 (especially when I consider what I'm like with my friends), I will hold in what I feel, but usually it bursts out of me in a rush of over the top emotion (to my family). My mum is the only one who gets a calm version of my feelings. My friends however will be mostly oblivious when I'm truly upset, I will clearly and repeatably express annoyance at something unimportant, but my not anything important. For example sister just moved away, I was so upset it was making me ill, all my best mate knew was that I was a little sad about it, I mentioned it a few times, basically where I said with a sigh "she's going on friday" and nothing else much, I don't think my friend knew of my distress. I live in a protective bubble at school, where most don't have a clue about my personality or anything. I usually listen to my friends' problems and discuss how they feel. Although my best mate is an introvert like myself so I don't get much out of her, like how I am with people I guess, but yes my other friends do choose me to talk to, I've been called "compassionate" on occasion.

 

[Lauren]

I had (or have, I'm not sure) this issue with my father. It went on from when I got out of high school until just a year ago. What happened was that he and his wife had a "talk" with me when I was visiting them. Basically the content was that all I was doing at the moment was waste of time. They wanted to motivate me getting a grip but ended up telling me that everything I had done for the past ten years is not worth anything since I am now unemployed and don't have a family of my own. I am not really trying to make this sound more dramatic than what it was... Well, the discussion ended up when I got frustrated not getting my voice heard and left. The next day I made a call and while I counter-attacked their arguments, or told them my version of the "facts", I also told that I have no interest in coming to visit them if everything I've done in my life will be judged like that. Somehow, I'm still not sure how, the point got through. Now, a year later, I can see that their attitude has been changing towards me and other people. And they were like that for as long as I remember. Not that they ever were so direct about it, but there always was this judgment on people.

I am actually quite surprised that I could get it through to them. I was mentally prepared to not seeing them ever again, this ultimatum was the only one, and the last one there was going to be if they insisted getting it their way. But, I guess that when it is coming from a conforming person like me, they take it more seriously. I don't know if this is a good example for you since I'm sure there are more subtle ways of doing it. I just was so tired of that stuff I didn't even care if it had blown up on my face..

It sounds like they heard you. My good friend (INFJ) has always felt judged by her brothers, who will automatically engage in argument with her about her opinions, life, etc. She has felt the same as you: that she just has to walk away, or stay away, or realize it's not her problem, but theirs. It drains her, I know. It's extremely difficult for an INFP to live in a judgemental atmosphere. I was fortunate because my parents (while they were still married) left me alone to explore the neighborhood or get lost in reading, music. or otherwise to daydream in my bedroom. My mother came to my defense when a grade-school teacher criticized me for daydreaming; she didn't know what to make of me at times but she didn't judge me. The best thing that could have happened for me was to be left alone to do my own thing.

I would say that I use both of these ways, but I don't actually solve anything by talking with people. Still, it is useful to do so, because of the different perspective you get. I am sure that I did waste a lot of time thinking through things on my own as I was blind to certain facts. But at that time I didn't have people I could count on. So, it may have just stuck with me, the attitude of not asking for support. It is such a relief to be able to tell someone what's on your mind and still be accepted. It doesn't fix the dilemma in a logical way but it gets some of the emotions out. After that I will still need to get the problem logically solved and integrated in my philosophy.

And you know, usually I can trust that when I am spontaneously talking about these things, all goes well. I mean that I don't decide now that tomorrow I am going to bring up a subject, that doesn't work. But if the subject does come up, Ne is quite trustworthy.

You know there's that saying: "if you don't understand my silence, you won't understand my words." That's why I often think before I speak or stay quiet. Not in a calculating or haughty way (that the saying might suggest, though that's not how I view it); if someone is a friend, then they will understand (and not judge you) what you can't say or say awkwardly. I've said before that what I trust more than words is subtext and nonverbal language. I trust my ability to read that, and feel spoken words by themselves can't convey the complexity of human emotions, and what someone might truly be saying. About talking when you need to, for me being able to talk about something that's emotional in a neutral way helps to resolve a situation, or at least to get the dialogue started. It's difficult to do this, and I'm still learning to do it. If the dialogue isn't respectable and devoid of anger, etc., then there's no chance for understanding.

Edit to add: though by the time I decide to talk about something, I've usually resolved it in my own mind anyway or have a very good idea of how I feel. So in that sense it doesn't actually resolve anything, except if the other person says something to help me understand their feelings.

I agree with what you say about how you can trust spontaneously talking about things. I'm just like you in that I don't decide ahead of time that I'm going to bring a subject up. I've had the same experience in finding Ne trustworthy when something that needs to be discussed suddenly emerges. It would feel too calculating to me to plan a discussion.

 

[TheMonocle]

The more I look at this and understand the functions, the more I think I'm actually an INFP. That's what I tested as in the beginning, but I think I had a learned behavior confused with my own personality. My parents were ENTJ/ENFJ/ENTJ. God love them, but they weren't about to let me crawl into my shell and my perfectionism shot through the roof.

They did talk a lot and they have forced me to be more verbal than is natural for me. I'm much better at writing than I am talking. It's not that I can't... It's that what I'm trying to explain or what I know isn't easy to verbalize. I end up talking in metaphors to try to explain. Luckily, they were abstract thinkers so they could break down and analyze what I meant to some degree. Now, I'm use to having to translate my inner world into a more substantial form that others can understand. When I do it though, other people think that I am more logical than I am and I can get stuck in that. It will drive me crazy if I have to do it for too long.

I do have a thing for J's. I love them. When I'm having a conversation I wait to hear the NTJ thing... where they take everything you have to say and gel it into something meaty and substantial. I'm constantly accused of beating around the bush when I'm trying to say something... but I'm trying to put words to concepts and feelings. It's like trying to describe a sunset to someone who is blind. Does that make sense?


Is this P behavior?

 

[mr.awesome]

ill sorta hint at something if i wanna talk about it. ill make it known for sure, its up to the other person if they wanna take the hint. im open with very few, but those few know 97% about me.

 

[heart]

There's a strange syndrome with people who NEED to help others.

I am thinking of a couple of people in my life who prod me over and over, trying to get me to tell them my problems. Sometimes they can catch me in the right mood and I'll share something that is bothering me and then I find out, this was about their ego needs really.

If I ever give them any hint of what is going on that is wrong in my life, then they have all these 'helpful' suggestions to 'fix' my problems and if I try to explain why my situation doesn't fit nicely into their black and white super fix it kit, they get offended and frustrated. And it's so basic, that it's really sort of offensive for them to think that I was so stupid I had not thought of that solution on my own. They'll also assume that you haven't tried to fix things yourself.

So I don't open up with them any more.

 

[yvonne]

i usually don't open up to people about my real problems. i don't want to emotionally depend on others and i don't want others to worry about me. sometimes i open up about something to my closest family/ friends, especially to my so, who's the only person i can cry comfortably in front of... but yeah, i'm a pretty lonely person in that sense. sometimes i dream to have someone i could really emotionally connect with, but i realize it's too much to ask of any relationship.

 

[Ouroboros]

I'm not sure if any of the options fit me well, but the first one comes the closest. I'm never 100% open, but I will reveal certain aspects of myself to some people. My family sees one side, my friends another, and people who are getting to know me see another. For example, I don't talk about my hopes and dreams with my family, but I'll talk to them about health, finances, politics, frustrations at work, and relationships. I won't talk to people I don't know well about my relationships or philosphies, but I can reveal things about my character that my friends and family don't know. A lot of it depends on my mood as well. Sometimes, you just need to talk.

The things that matter the most to me are the things I won't talk about to anyone. I've never known anyone I could talk to about anything and everything. It makes me feel vulnerable, and I'm afraid of being vulnerable.

 

[Malkaro]

I don`t really open up to anyone.
When I did,they couldn`t understand me.So why should I do the same "mistake" again?

 

[FalseHeartDothKnow]

By the time I usually get round to talking to someone about problems, I've either resolved them, and I'm speaking after I'm 'out of the other side,' (usually if my friend is telling me about her having similar problems) or I've got so tormented by it, having tried to sort it myself for a year or so, that I need to talk to a family member...most things time, maturity and new information can heal I find...I vent about trivial things on here, but nothing that actually is a huge issue in my life

 

[soft]

i only open up to people that i know actually care about my problems. so far, there are only about 3 people I am comfortable opening up to, though there's still plenty of stuff i keep to myself... i guess i don't like annoying people by burdening them with my problems.