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  1. #1
    "Everything in its place" fill's Avatar
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    Default Do INFPs Hold Grudges... Really bad ones?

    I've got a friend that I'm 98% sure is INFP (unhealthy in some aspects; uses language like, "I hate myself" and is constantly comparing herself to other people, wanting to be more like them- something I noticed my ENFP friend does also). She and my ENFJ buddy hooked up, but the ENFJ guy's a bit of a man-whore, so he ditched the INFP for other girls, and she still had feelings for him- even as they weren't dating.

    So, this was... over a month ago; she's still angry. She saw another girl given the same treatment by the ENFJ, and she took empathy to a new level (slow down, Fi!) by taking some- what I find unjustified- actions.

    And this is just one guy. She's ranted about exes and how they've mistreated here, while I (whether two months ago being very INFJ or now being very xNTP) let situations like that go and have even befriended those who've caused me harm.

    What gives?
    "Poor bastard. Wait 'till he sees the bats. "
    enneagram - 7/5/3

  2. #2
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    FiSi

    Fi can get really vengeful and raging when it's been exposed and abused (in its own perception). Fi tends to show itself completely vulnerable to those it trusts..and trusts that that trust will not be abused. It's like a rite of passage, and the ultimate gift a Fi-user hands to another person. When it is abused...well, it feels like a knife was put in your back and turned around three times.

    That depth of feeling goes both ways. Deep intense love is awesome..but the other side of the coin is intense hate. And they are really really close. Bliss cannot exist without rockbottom. Fi experiences the entire rainbow of human emotion in all its intensity. And it's hard to control.

    It's scary actually, I can relate. My ENFJ-ex did the same (and worse to me). We had a pretty long relationship, but after we broke up, I actually kept going by intensely hating him and, yes, I did get back at him. The thing that pissed me off the most was that I knew many more girls would follow after me as he was that charming. And I had no way of undoing that. He'd get away with it, the smug bastard. That just pissed me off beyond all reason. Mind you, I was 16 years old at the time.

    Fi takes time to master, to channel, to...tame, you could say
    She'll get the hang of it

    As for the Si..that's what makes us remember like an elephant. Especially those moments that are connected to intense emotion. Love tends to be a very...memorable journey for FiSi users, for that very reason. She basically relives emotionally what happened every time she's reminded of her past.
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    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  3. #3
    "Everything in its place" fill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    The thing that pissed me off the most was that I knew many more girls would follow after me as he was that charming. And I had no way of undoing that. He'd get away with it, the smug bastard.
    I think you just paraphrased her.

    Doesn't holding on to the bad results of situations like these only make one's condition worse?

    "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."
    -Buddha

    ?

    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    She basically relives emotionally what happened every time she's reminded of her past.
    Interesting. So- is it processing these things in an extremely subjective state?
    "Poor bastard. Wait 'till he sees the bats. "
    enneagram - 7/5/3

  4. #4
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Well it's meant to teach you what to avoid. But yeah, holding onto it is..toxic, in the long run. Still, it can be a survival mechanism as well. I think I would've comitted suicide (yes, it was that intense) if it wouldn't have been for this all-consuming hate I had for him, for several months. After that, it took years to get enough distance to gain perspective and appreciate what he'd actually also given me (though at a high price).

    That's what I mean with it takes time to learn how to handle Fi properly. Those intense emotions don't let themselves be leashed easily...

    What you can try, is try and show her what she gained from the relationship, what lifelessons it bestowed on her. Mind you, this is rather dangerous, as you could get the full Fi-load over you if she's not *there yet* emotionally.
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  5. #5
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fill View Post

    Interesting. So- is it processing these things in an extremely subjective state?
    It's kinda like being transported back into that emotional state you were in back then. I guess it is meant to digest those intense emotions. And some experiences take a lot of trips to the past to get over them. The pain you relive gets duller and duller and eventually you no longer truly relive it, but it's more that you remember what the pain was like. It's...not a fun process when done with negative emotions. And it can go wrong if you try to evade the pain (which is a natural reflex), and fight the process. It gets you stuck in that pain as you focus on that, instead of the lessons you need to learn.

    Compare it to some spiritual teachings. You'll keep having that recurring nightmare till you look past the pain and stop running from it and learn what the dream is desperately trying to teach you. The same can be said for vision quests. Till you crack the code, it will keep bugging ya..

    It's an awesome process when done with blissfull emotions though
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





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  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Fi can get really vengeful and raging when it's been exposed and abused (in its own perception). Fi tends to show itself completely vulnerable to those it trusts..and trusts that that trust will not be abused. It's like a rite of passage, and the ultimate gift a Fi-user hands to another person. When it is abused...well, it feels like a knife was put in your back and turned around five times.
    minor correction. i really don't understand at all what your post actually said but yeah, i do hold grudges very intensely and deeply. And I will say that it seems quite strange to me that in this very forum, there are certain people who sort of extend their hand in a friendly way, asking if maybe there's a small chance of meeting up somewhere and those very same people turn around and insult, and i mean deeply insult - using really derogatory remarks about this person who, just two seconds, they ago asked to meet up with. Really, I don't get it. What do they expect? Do they really think that the insultee is going to greet them with open arms, just forget about the "knife in the back" and go on? No! And I do mean NO!

    They talk here about being psychologically healthy, but I have to say that they seem to be a few of the sickest people in here. Do ya know who you are? Yeah, they know who I'm talking about, but I could name names...

  7. #7
    Senior Member The Outsider's Avatar
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    Nope. Not at all.

  8. #8
    Senior Member The Outsider's Avatar
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    In fact, I don't relate to the OP at all. I do consider myself unhealthy, but I do not hate myself, being more similar to others is something I do not want. And I don't hold grudges, I really don't. Any kind of prolonged anger is just entirely alien to me.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Kastor's Avatar
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    I only really hold onto grudges if I felt that someone had done something terrible to someone I love. I've only held on to two grudges for that reason.
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  10. #10
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    Lightbulb INFP's Don't Hold Grudges (typically)

    I don't hold grudges. Matter of fact, no matter how much I don't like you or you annoy me, that can change by the day. Tomorrow, I might decide I love you.

    'Grudges' sounds more like INFJ.

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