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  1. #1
    Senior Member Koocoomoo's Avatar
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    Default INFPs, does this happen to you too?

    I've noticed that I usually stick to the same kind of people when it comes to relationships.
    I have a nagging suspicion that deep down I am trying to constantly make myself miserable. I will elaborate.

    I usually become friends with people that are relatively smart, patient, usually shy, and Damaged.
    (These are not the ONLY friends I have, but the people I USUALLY look for as friends)
    This is not intentional, it's just an INNATE tendency of mine. Most of my close friends happen to be this way. It's extremely aggravating for me. >=/
    The quality that they ALL have in common is that they are ALL damaged somehow.
    I become friends with them, delve into the friendship entirely, and expend every ounce of my energy trying to help them out and make them happy.
    They usually meet me when they're like, rly depressed.

    So i help them with whatever issue they're having, totally emotionally committed, and when the problem is solved, somehow the friendship always seems to end.

    It's like I'm the band aid.
    I noticed that I usually shy away from "emotionally healthy" people who are already happy.

    So that kind of sucks, because in the end, when they're healed and I've served my purpose, they throw me away.
    You know what I'm Sayin?

    Painfully Bipolar

  2. #2
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    I TRY to get along with everybody, but there's just some people who I don't mesh well with no matter how hard I'd try.

    Lately I've been finding myself attracted mostly to people with certain qualities so I see where you're coming from in that regard.

    As far as damaged people go, well I'm usually the damaged one, although I usually try my best to hide it.

  3. #3
    Head Pigeon Mad Hatter's Avatar
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    Sometimes I'm scared of successful and popular people. But it's not like I seek the other people out deliberately, and I probably don't go out for the 'damaged' ones. I have a good friend who is prone to depression (not moody, the sort that actually needs treatment). I think about her quite often, and I sometimes wonder whether she's more willing to talk to me when she feels really bad and forgets about me when she's better - but given the fact that we live about 140 miles apart and I get active the time she goes to bed, staying in contact isn't always that easy.
    I'd say it might be sort of a self-esteem issue. To put it bluntly: Unhealthy people pose less of a threat. Also, you might feel (perhaps unconsciously) a certain sort of superiority towards them. (Just a thought.)
    A good friendship requires that people see each other eye to eye. With the one people constantly helping - and I think you really want to - and the other person always at the receiving end of that help, there is no reciprocity. When people quit your friendship once you've fixed them, you feel mulcted of your efforts because you didn't get to what you felt entitled.
    My questions are:
    Do you think that your relationship could sustain after you have solved their problems? After all, if they had real issues before that are no longer there, the premise of the relationship has sort of changed - that applies to both.
    Does the other person usually say that he or she is actually in need of assistance?
    I'm just asking because I'm well aware of the situation that one person does something for another person without their asking so, still expecting something in return and getting angry when they didn't get anything in return.
    I'm often the person something who's on the receiving end of that anger, and it's often very hard to make clear that good intentions aren't everything. - It also implies that the other person thinks you're not capable of making your own decisions.
    I guess that whole "After all I've done for you!"-"But I didn't ask you to do it!" issue is well known to many people. - Maybe I'm presuming too much here and base my interpretation on insufficient information.
    It's only a first guess and a bit of personal (and unpleasant) experience.

  4. #4
    See Right Through Me Bubbles's Avatar
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    I feel like there's a fine line between the people I doctor and the people I befriend.

    If I'm "helping" you, you're someone I pity. Someone who I think could be better than they are right now, and is on the road to recovery. That being said, you will drain me.

    So when I want to cut loose and have fun, I'm not calling you, I'm calling my happy upbeat friends. Because one is work and the other is play. When I was younger, and "unhealthy" myself, I know that I attracted similar people to me. Now, I feel as if all my friends are people I admire and look up to in different ways, and the people I "help" could never be as close.

    Of course, this is why the "unhealthy" people usually develop interest in you when you do that...because pity obviously equals love. Le sigh.
    4w3, IEI, so/sx/sp, female, and Cancer sign.

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  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bubbles View Post
    I feel like there's a fine line between the people I doctor and the people I befriend.

    If I'm "helping" you, you're someone I pity. Someone who I think could be better than they are right now, and is on the road to recovery. That being said, you will drain me.

    So when I want to cut loose and have fun, I'm not calling you, I'm calling my happy upbeat friends. Because one is work and the other is play. When I was younger, and "unhealthy" myself, I know that I attracted similar people to me. Now, I feel as if all my friends are people I admire and look up to in different ways, and the people I "help" could never be as close.

    Of course, this is why the "unhealthy" people usually develop interest in you when you do that...because pity obviously equals love. Le sigh.
    Most of what you said I can relate to. However, helping people doesn't drain me. I think it has an opposite effect on me. I'm attracted to dark things I guess. No matter what I'm doing, I'm having fun or I'm not doing it unless absolutely necessary for a good cause or by force.

  6. #6
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    Yes, I can relate to you in a way... But....

    I know that several INFPs do not like the descriptive term "Healer" as many do not feel that way. But what you posted kind of proves that. You are attracted to those that are damaged to help them, and to heal them, and it is sad that they throw your band-aid self away. But I think they will remember how you helped them for a long time. Don't let yourself get used, but also be willing to help in most situations.

  7. #7
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    I find myself to be damaged when I hang around my friends who I'm not closest with. Usually they're the friends who have the parents that never divorced and actually finished college. They probably don't look at me that way, but that's just how I feel.

    I understand what you're saying though because yes, it's all true -- at least for me, too.

    I don't seek out these friends, but the ones that are super smart, patient, usually shy, and damaged end up being my closest friends.

    One of them isn't in my life anymore and that bothers me. And the other hasn't decided yet if I'm a worthy friend and it bothers me, too.

    I try to help and I try to do everything that would maybe make them feel a little better about something (and maybe sometimes they try to do that for me too, but I ignore it or I don't see it in what they're doing), but in the end it's always the wrong thing and I always end up messing up.

    Thing is -- I don't mind helping them. I don't mind helping anyone. And it never seems like energy spent until they turn on you or become so hurt by something you didn't even realize you did or were doing, then you're like wow... look at all the energy I've spent.

    I find myself saying for certain people in my life that I can't stand them if they're hurt me (or used my good intentions like they were nothing), but if something serious were to ever happen where they needed me as a friend, I could never see myself turning away from them despite of how they treated me.

  8. #8
    Junior Member Spud's Avatar
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    Hm, I do the opposite. I try to make friends with everyone, and the ones who don't want to be my friend just fade out of my life. Emotionally healthy people attract me, while the emotionally damaged cling on to me.

    Everyone's somewhat emotionally damaged and don't really show it. Some people I've met look like they've got their whole life goin' for them. But when you get to really know them, they usually have something to hide. An emotion/experience they feel will make them vulnerable.
    "You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet them you think, "Not bad. They're okay." And then you get to know them and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality's written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful."


    I am and always will be the optimist.
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  9. #9
    Junior Member eisce faery's Avatar
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    There certainly could be a running theme and if you are concentrating on "fixing" people you will be attracting or being attracted to those who are looking to be fixed. My friend talked about being instantly attracted to the most damaged person in the room much like what you mentioned. I don't think I have quite the same problem, but I am attracted to quirky intelligence which can easily mask an unstable mind oddly enough. lol The majority of people here and everywhere who don't live in a bubble have encountered insalubrious relationships and hopefully we learn from them enough to improve our ability to discern what fits us better personally. No one is perfect, but sometimes the mix can either be volatile or healing just by the level of compatibility alone.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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