User Tag List

123 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 24

  1. #1
    Member sunshinEnfp's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Posts
    48

    Default What would an ENFJ do?

    Okay, so here's the deal:

    I have been dating this ENFJ for 2 months. We have a pretty good connection, dates have been wonderful, etc., etc. However, he said from the beginning that he's a slow mover and he wants to take things slow. I get that.

    Currently, he's abroad with limited access to e-mail. We had been e-mailing each other every few days or so and he mentioned that he wished he could e-mail me longer things, but that he just did not able to do so (says the Cyber Cafe conditions where he is are not great)... well, he got a mobile phone and about a week ago, we spoke for about an hour (I called him). Right after the call, I sent him a heartfelt message through e-mail, just saying how much I enjoyed us speaking, and how I wanted to know if it was okay if I said things like, "I miss you," to him.

    Well, it's been about a week and I have not gotten a response back, but I have seen (through g-mail) that he's been online (I'm always invisible). It's only been for about 15 minutes or so at a time, but... should I be worried?

    It's just... we do have a pretty light, mellow, easy-going relationship and this is one of the most serious things I have ever expressed through E-MAIL to him. Our e-mails are usually light banter.

    Question #1 - Do you think he might read too much into it and think that I am trying to move faster than I should (and I really am)? Would an "intense" e-mail be cause for an ENFJ (or any guy) to get overwhelmed/scared/want to run away? (However, I have to say: he is the one who called me his girlfriend to some of his friends... we sort of had a DTR talk before he left... and he is the one who initially said, "I'll miss you.")

    Question #2 - How do ENFJs typically react when they really like someone? Do they restrain themselves and take it slow or do they just dive-in headlong? (I know this depends on the person but I really can't read this guy).

    Question #3 - For people who have been in relationships with ENFJs... especially the selfless ones, have you ever had issues with feeling like you come last? Or feeling treated special/differently than any of their other friends? What makes you feel set apart from just being friends?


    Thanks for all of your help. If I don't hear from him in a few days, I am going to send him another e-mail... I think. It's just... I don't want to initiate anymore and I also don't want to send another, lighter e-mail that he responds to so that he gets to ignore this one (if that's what he's doing). Is it best for me to just wait until he gets a chance to respond to me... even if that's a week or so from now? Or should I say something? Is open and honest communication the best or, as an ENFP, should I just be patient and wait--maybe I am being too intense?

    So many questions! Such a long post! Sorry!

    ***P.S. Here's the "intense" part of the e-mail, BTW. I thought it was cute/sweet! But I'm not a guy! (Or an ENFJ)...

    "I'm sorry if I am overstepping any of your boundaries, but I figure I should just go ahead and say this: Sometimes, I want to say things to you, but I don't know how you'll take it. I don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything, but sometimes I want to express things like... "Hey, you're neat-o/spiffy/dope/fresh/fantastic!" or "Hey, I miss you." (Even though, it might be kind of silly to miss someone you've known for 2 months? I dunno...) Anyway, at the end of the call, I wanted to say something along those lines, but I didn't. So, I just want to let you know that if you feel the same way, it's okay to say it--I won't mind at all, haha! If you don't, then don't feel forced. But I am an emotionally expressive person and I have been holding back a bit because I don't want to come across as too intense, but I do think it's time for me to open up a bit more to you and express these sorts of things (a little). Is that okay?"

  2. #2
    A Benign Tumor PoprocksAndCoke's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Socionics
    ENFp
    Posts
    614

    Default

    He has the same problem as you. Be honest and he'll see it.
    "In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present." -Francis Bacon

    "No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible." -George Chakiris

  3. #3
    Head Pigeon Mad Hatter's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    MBTI
    INTP
    Enneagram
    -1w sp/sx
    Socionics
    IOU Ni
    Posts
    1,028

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sunshinEnfp View Post
    Well, it's been about a week and I have not gotten a response back, but I have seen (through g-mail) that he's been online (I'm always invisible). It's only been for about 15 minutes or so at a time, but... should I be worried?
    Maybe change your status then. I just have the feeling that you're afraid he won't notice - but then you can always arrange something via email After all - if he doesn't know you're there, it's much less likely he's going to write.

    Quote Originally Posted by sunshinEnfp View Post
    It's just... we do have a pretty light, mellow, easy-going relationship and this is one of the most serious things I have ever expressed through E-MAIL to him. Our e-mails are usually light banter.
    I'd say DTR is pretty heavy stuff for an email. It's just that written language is somewhat limited in its expression, and it's more like to give a false impression. I'd say for the time being, just leave the emails to banter.

    Quote Originally Posted by sunshinEnfp View Post
    Question #1 - Do you think he might read too much into it and think that I am trying to move faster than I should (and I really am)?
    Yes.
    You simply can't tell what's going on at the moment and try to fill it with all sorts of speculations. Don't get me wrong here, I know how hard it is
    (You might want to read Watzlawick's hammer allegory.)

    It might help to know why he is abroad, and for how long.

    In any case: Just be patient. You've written him, and you're just anxious to get a response. But from all of what you've posted here, I really see no reason to be worried
    Last edited by Mad Hatter; 11-16-2009 at 10:40 PM. Reason: Awkardly twisted word confusion

  4. #4
    Senior Member toast's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    MBTI
    ENFJ
    Enneagram
    2w3
    Posts
    249

    Default

    Well, If he is an ENFJ he reads right through that email. You're smitten with him. It sounds somewhat like what he would say if he were smitten with you. This could be terrifying if he isn't that into you. Don't be too discouraged though. When I am into someone, I am very intense & active about wanting to see them & talk to them. But I have had some relationships where I didn't feel that for a bit. It is very possible he is trying to figure out how to respond. I do this a lot when I know the response that's deserved should be well thought out. (Like how I would want to respond to an email like that.)

    IF I got an email like that, whether or not I was seriously into you, I would definitely respond to you. Though, it wouldn't necessarily be right away. If I was still reluctant to feel tied down I would take my time & respond with a well thought out reply that basically said "you can feel free to say those things & be yourself, but I am still wanting to take things slow & I may not say them back." If I was really into you I would be more emotional & probably express some relief that you had exposed your feelings. It would be fairly obvious though, how I felt.

    I don't know anything about him, or how you know he is an ENFJ, but I will say, the only way my feelings are "vague" is when I'm scared of someone or something. There could be a serious reason he isn't wanting to move too fast.

    Don't send him an email saying you are worried that you scared him off. But do email him. Talk about something simple. Say what's going on with you & ask him how he's doing. This implies that you miss him & care, but won't be rehashing what you already said. If he responds to that & doesn't say anything about the first message, ask him if he got it. I am sure his response will give you a better idea about how he feels.

    And like Avis said... Its possible he's thinking about you but too busy to give you the response he thinks you deserve.

  5. #5
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    4w5 sp/sx
    Socionics
    IEI Ni
    Posts
    7,661

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sunshinEnfp View Post
    Question #3 - For people who have been in relationships with ENFJs... especially the selfless ones, have you ever had issues with feeling like you come last? Or feeling treated special/differently than any of their other friends? What makes you feel set apart from just being friends?
    The eternally nagging question everyone wants to know about ENFJs.....they're so coy in answering this one also .

    In my experience with ENFJ friends, they put their best friends last...it's a "save the best for last" mentality. I kind of understand this, because when someone's email is important to me, I want to answer it when my head is clear, and I may put it off until I am ready. I'm guessing they need to get the lesser stuff out of the way to be ready.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  6. #6
    resonance entropie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    MBTI
    entp
    Enneagram
    783
    Posts
    16,761

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by PoprocksAndCoke View Post
    He has the same problem as you. Be honest and he'll see it.
    I'ld have said "explode". You sure you aint INTJ ?
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  7. #7
    A Benign Tumor PoprocksAndCoke's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Socionics
    ENFp
    Posts
    614

    Default

    ^I could be. I haven't really decided on T or F yet, but the NFs have cooler forums.
    "In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present." -Francis Bacon

    "No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible." -George Chakiris

  8. #8
    Member sunshinEnfp's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Posts
    48

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Avis View Post
    I'd say DTR is pretty heavy stuff for an email. It's just that written language is somewhat limited in its expression, and it's more like to give a false impression. I'd say for the time being, just leave the emails to banter...

    It might help to know why he is abroad, and for how long.

    In any case: Just be patient. You've written him, and you're just anxious to get a response. But from all of what you've posted here, I really see no reason to be worried
    Yeah, I agree... I shouldn't have sprung it on him through e-mail. I was being impatient and a little scared on my end (and impulsive and just so full of emotion)... I definitely will keep the e-mails light (it's hard because I am super expressive in writing--I journal a lot--so sometimes I just want to bare my soul through e-mail, but he's not that type of guy).

    Anyway, he's going to be abroad for about 20 more days (and he's been away for about that long).

    Also: thanks for the reassurance.

  9. #9
    Member sunshinEnfp's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Posts
    48

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by toast View Post
    Well, If he is an ENFJ he reads right through that email. You're smitten with him. It sounds somewhat like what he would say if he were smitten with you. This could be terrifying if he isn't that into you. Don't be too discouraged though. When I am into someone, I am very intense & active about wanting to see them & talk to them. But I have had some relationships where I didn't feel that for a bit. It is very possible he is trying to figure out how to respond. I do this a lot when I know the response that's deserved should be well thought out. (Like how I would want to respond to an email like that.)

    IF I got an email like that, whether or not I was seriously into you, I would definitely respond to you. Though, it wouldn't necessarily be right away. If I was still reluctant to feel tied down I would take my time & respond with a well thought out reply that basically said "you can feel free to say those things & be yourself, but I am still wanting to take things slow & I may not say them back." If I was really into you I would be more emotional & probably express some relief that you had exposed your feelings. It would be fairly obvious though, how I felt.

    I don't know anything about him, or how you know he is an ENFJ, but I will say, the only way my feelings are "vague" is when I'm scared of someone or something. There could be a serious reason he isn't wanting to move too fast.

    Don't send him an email saying you are worried that you scared him off. But do email him. Talk about something simple. Say what's going on with you & ask him how he's doing. This implies that you miss him & care, but won't be rehashing what you already said. If he responds to that & doesn't say anything about the first message, ask him if he got it. I am sure his response will give you a better idea about how he feels.

    And like Avis said... Its possible he's thinking about you but too busy to give you the response he thinks you deserve.
    Wow, you've given me a lot to think about... in a way that I would never think of it. I decided to go ahead and do what you said and e-mail him a light e-mail that was just a lot of fun, kind of like what our old e-mails used to be (but super amped up... I think I was trying to overcompensate for the serious nature of the first e-mail).

    I had thought that maybe he was taking time to be thoughtful, but after so much time had passed, I was starting to get anxious and worried. I still am, I suppose, but reading what you had to say about the situation did make me feel a little better. And just some insight into how he may be thinking. So thanks a lot!

    Also, this: "I don't know anything about him, or how you know he is an ENFJ, but I will say, the only way my feelings are "vague" is when I'm scared of someone or something. There could be a serious reason he isn't wanting to move too fast." really made me think... I told him I was comfortable with moving slow as well and I was. But then I started to get worried (I was thinking about a previous relationship) and so I started to try to force the pace. But, in reading what you wrote, I realized that I was not being respectful of his wishes. It's just... it's really good to put it back into perspective. Maybe him going slow does not mean that he's not interested... maybe something else is going on...

  10. #10
    Member sunshinEnfp's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Posts
    48

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    The eternally nagging question everyone wants to know about ENFJs.....they're so coy in answering this one also .

    In my experience with ENFJ friends, they put their best friends last...it's a "save the best for last" mentality. I kind of understand this, because when someone's email is important to me, I want to answer it when my head is clear, and I may put it off until I am ready. I'm guessing they need to get the lesser stuff out of the way to be ready.
    I never thought about it that way but that's a very different way of how I see things... but it really makes sense, especially for this guy. I guess I thought of it as, "You're an afterthought" or "you're last because you're not a priority." I never thought of it as dealing with all the other stuff first so that there would be more time to concentrate on friends/other things. I guess maybe that's kind of that P vs. J difference, right? I just go with how I feel at the moment, where he has more discipline to get things that need to get done out of the way first. Hmm... very interesting! Thanks for your insight!

Similar Threads

  1. [ENFJ] What does an ENFJ thinks about receiving sexy pics?
    By kotoshinohaisha in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: 02-22-2017, 08:34 PM
  2. What would an INTJ male find physically attractive?
    By Usehername in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 102
    Last Post: 07-11-2015, 10:04 PM
  3. [ENFJ] Why would an ENFJ say they didn't want a relationship....
    By Soar337 in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 02-18-2011, 05:26 PM
  4. [INFJ] What would an angry INFJ say to you?
    By SuperFob in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 93
    Last Post: 02-15-2010, 03:13 PM
  5. [ENTP] What would an ENTP leader look like ?
    By entropie in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 44
    Last Post: 07-28-2009, 08:33 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO