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  1. #21
    Senior Member toast's Avatar
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    huh. (ENFJ-wise) It really doesn't sound like he is that into you, and if he is, he's suppressing it. I'd think it over long & hard. Figure out what you can & can't accept in a relationship with him. He seems to be trying to make sure the relationship is not exclusive, even if he hasn't done anything with anyone else. If this is not okay with you, say something now. If you don't want to be too direct, ask if by saying "not serious" he means seeing other people is okay? That doesn't directly imply that you think he will or that you want to.

    Once you get that cleared out of the way (if it bothers you at all to be unsure), if you are happy for the most part, I'd be as patient with it as you can. As an ENFJ, I've dated people I didn't like very much but I was fairly obvious about it. While what he says doesn't really convey strong feelings for you, it doesn't seem to deny them either. He could be suppressing them to deal with whatever is going on elsewhere in his life.

  2. #22
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sunshinEnfp
    He ended up saying that he liked me, but he was not looking for anything serious and that he did not want anything "intense" and did not want any strings attached. He just was at a place in his life where he did not feel like he could commit to anything.

    I asked him if this meant that we were just going to be friends or if we were still going to date, and he said he wanted us to still date, just not continue down the possibly intense path that we were going on.
    Quote Originally Posted by sunshinEnfp
    He said that he felt like we were headed in that direction, of being boyfriend and girlfriend and having a more serious commitment and he just was not ready for that. He just wanted to keep things light at this point in his life. And he had expressed that to me before he left to go abroad, but I guess he thought things were going to intensify very quickly now that he no longer had, "We should slow down, I'm going abroad" as an excuse.
    So he wants to date you without any intention of a relationship or commitment...hmmm...that sounds a lot like "friends with benefits"....
    It's one thing to say it's too soon to tell, but to say that he doesn't have intentions in the near future for seeing each other exclusively is a big red flag, IMO. Listen to exactly what he is saying, don't just hear what you want or try and qualify it so it's more pleasing to your desires.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  3. #23
    Member sunshinEnfp's Avatar
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    Thanks for all of the responses! I really appreciate them!

    Quote Originally Posted by nynesneg View Post
    If I were you... I'd say maybe lets step back and be open dating - not a single relationship. It sounds like he really likes you as a person but not in a place to have a real relationship or as you said, not sure if he's "that into you". You don't want to end up investing a bunch of emotional energy when he's just not sure what he wants and could end up breaking up while you're head over heels for him.
    I think this is where we are going to be at and I am fine with it. I had to think about it for a while, but I am cool with us being at this point.

    I might pin him down ask him what he really wants right now. Tell him you need some kind of knowledge/expectation if he even wants a relationship right now with you period. Assure him that you will be fine if he decides to just be close friends and hang out as such, or open dating instead of a relationship. You deserve to know that.

    I don't know.
    We already discussed it last night, during the date. While he definitely did not want us to end things, he did not want us to continue down an intense path. I think he wants us to date openly.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Third Rider View Post
    I think he made that clear already. He just doesn't want a serious relationship and all the commitments that come with it. There are many reasons why he might feel like this and its almost a waste of time to try and dwell into those possibilities since we know what his final answer is. sunshinEnfp my personal opinion here is that obviously you like this guy and you have a certain idea of what you want in a relationship. However, he is not willing to provide you with what you want on an emotional level so to me it would seem that it is not an ideal match for you. You both clearly have different views on the relationship and in the end it might bring issues because you expect a certain level of commitment from him while he has already told you that, that is not what he is willing to provide for you. You can continue to date him and may be hope that he changes those ideals or it could lead into you just being disappointed because your needs are not being met. Just my 2 cents.
    I think what you said is very important. I've been thinking about that, and other things, all day. And, I am not quite sure that I am on such a different page than him. I am fine with us taking it slow, I am fine with us not advancing (or very quickly), I... think I might be in the same place as him. But I do think the non-exclusive thing bothered me a bit, more than any of the things he said. But, I think I can handle it. It was a bit of an unexpected thing, for us to have this conversation right when he got back, but I am glad that he was honest enough to not want to lead me on or have me think that we were going to go some place emotionally that he was not feeling.

    Quote Originally Posted by toast View Post
    huh. (ENFJ-wise) It really doesn't sound like he is that into you, and if he is, he's suppressing it. I'd think it over long & hard. Figure out what you can & can't accept in a relationship with him. He seems to be trying to make sure the relationship is not exclusive, even if he hasn't done anything with anyone else. If this is not okay with you, say something now. If you don't want to be too direct, ask if by saying "not serious" he means seeing other people is okay? That doesn't directly imply that you think he will or that you want to.
    He says he's not dating anyone else, but I think he is definitely trying to make the relationship non-exclusive. He does not strike me as the kind of guy who dates a bunch of people, but I think he is just trying to stay open to possibilities and everything. Which I get.

    Once you get that cleared out of the way (if it bothers you at all to be unsure), if you are happy for the most part, I'd be as patient with it as you can. As an ENFJ, I've dated people I didn't like very much but I was fairly obvious about it. While what he says doesn't really convey strong feelings for you, it doesn't seem to deny them either. He could be suppressing them to deal with whatever is going on elsewhere in his life.
    I think that this is the route I am going to go. We discussed it and we're into an organic, natural thing and just seeing where it goes. I am totally cool with that. I do think there might be other things happening in his life right now that have to do with this decision. I also wonder if a past relationship plays a part in this... I got the sense that he felt guilty that he could not write me as much when he was abroad and that he doesn't call. And that he doesn't want to feel guilty and he does not have the time to really invest himself into a relationship. I told him I thought that this was a committed relationship, just that it was light, too. But I think he has different standards. I think he gives everything he has to a relationship and he just isn't in a place to invest that right now. Now me, on the other hand, I am cool with keeping things how they are. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. I've been having fun and I am fine with staying at the same place for a while. However, I also know that now that he has mentioned the non-exclusivity thing, it can end at any time and he is open to dating other people (and I guess I am free to as well, which I think I may do).

    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    So he wants to date you without any intention of a relationship or commitment...hmmm...that sounds a lot like "friends with benefits"....
    It's one thing to say it's too soon to tell, but to say that he doesn't have intentions in the near future for seeing each other exclusively is a big red flag, IMO. Listen to exactly what he is saying, don't just hear what you want or try and qualify it so it's more pleasing to your desires.
    It really does sound like "friends with benefits," but I don't think it is or will be. We actually have not really done much sexually together... I am a slow-mover when it comes to that stuff and he is as well. I mean, we done some stuff, but not much. But I definitely am trying to understand where he is coming from and make sure I don't try to twist it into what I want.

  4. #24
    Member sunshinEnfp's Avatar
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    I'm just posting like a machine, right?

    Well, I had time to really think about what he said last night. I was really torn with the information that he gave me because I had not been expecting it and sometimes it's hard for me to process my feelings without talking through them, thinking about them, or writing through them. I was a little paralyzed and I was not sure what to think.

    In having time to think about it, I think I have come to a couple of conclusions:

    1. I really do respect that he told me about this so quickly and he really is trying to be open and honest with me and protect my feelings in a sense.

    2. I honestly think that he and I are more on the same page (or around the same page) than it seems. I think I needed him to clarify exactly what he meant and I needed to make sure that (1) I was not just a friend in his eyes and (2) that he was not trying to find a "nice way" to end our relationship.

    3. I think I was fine with what he said until I started thinking about, "But is this how a relationship is supposed to be?" I think I just really wanted a label--I was fine with everything he said, but the fact that it would remain non-exclusive really bothered me. I was fine with everything else.

    4. However, I am fine with it now, now that I have thought about it. I think he's worth it that I am fine to continue dating him in this kind of laid-back capacity, but I'll be looking for other people as well (I don't know if he will be actively looking, but eh, oh well).

    5. I really was just wondering if this meant that he was not that into me, but I think what it really means is that the timing is just not there. I mean, we do have a great connection and the more time we spend with each other, the better it gets. That being said, I don't think he thought we were going to connect that well, that fast, and there were signs and even things he said that led me to believe that this was kind of surprising for him and that he was not really ready/expecting a serious relationship. I think deep down, I knew this. Part of me tried to pressure him (subconsciously) at some points and I think it's because I wanted to try to make our relationship look like what most other people's look like. But it's kind of a weird thing, but I feel like... I am really fine with this.

    So, I will keep this thread updated if there are any more developments, but I am going to continue to see him and in saying that I am okay with us not moving forward, I truly mean it and will honor it. I will not pressure him to be anything more than who he is and I will not expect us to become more committed one day down the road. We'll see how it goes and maybe it will go somewhere, but maybe not. But I am fine with exploring and just enjoying his company. Maybe I am being a foolish girl? But I'm cool with it.

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