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  1. #11
    Member bronson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sunshinEnfp View Post
    Question #1 Would an "intense" e-mail be cause for an ENFJ (or any guy) to get overwhelmed/scared/want to run away?
    I don't want to scare you but if a girl I'd been with not long sent me this when I'd told her I wanted to move slowly I would feel pretty overwhelmed. But all is not lost.
    It's difficult coz going away gives a person headspace to think things through, which can be good or bad. And its unbearable for you because its impossible to read someone through dry text in an email - and even harder if he hasn't replied!!
    It could just genuinely be that there isn't time to answer to such an important and intense email in an internet cafe (those things suck like that).


    Quote Originally Posted by sunshinEnfp View Post
    Question #2 - How do ENFJs typically react when they really like someone? Do they restrain themselves and take it slow or do they just dive-in headlong?
    I'm not convinced there is some formulaic response bound to come forth when we find someone we fancy.

    There are a few things that are likely...

    Obviously, before getting together, the preoccupation is with what could/will be if you were to get together, and that's often highly idealised - in my case anyway. Which means you enter into the relationship with a whole host of presuppositions about what it is that you are entering into.

    So once the reality of the relationship hits home its kind of like stepping hard on the brakes at 100kms an hour. It's like, wow, I actually better think about this properly. So in a sense the 'diving headlong' happens first, and then the restraint settles in.


    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    In my experience with ENFJ friends, they put their best friends last...it's a "save the best for last" mentality. I kind of understand this, because when someone's email is important to me, I want to answer it when my head is clear, and I may put it off until I am ready.
    And I think she makes a really good point - the email was obviously really serious, and 'out of the blue' serious by the sound of it. And if he's already got space to be thinking about it the impact of that email kind of doubles.
    But that is okay... its just that 15 minutes in an internet cafe is not enough time to be able to respond sufficiently, so chances that it gets put off until a time when he can answer it properly are pretty high.


    Quote Originally Posted by sunshinEnfp View Post
    Question #3 - For people who have been in relationships with ENFJs... especially the selfless ones, have you ever had issues with feeling like you come last? Or feeling treated special/differently than any of their other friends? What makes you feel set apart from just being friends?
    It's kind of like the before and then during thing again.

    Before hand you're the girl he's keen on... an his mates will probably know all about you.

    But then during, its like we suddenly realise that the intensity of the relationship we've entered into is somewhat of a threat to our 'social supremacy' as in, the amount of energy put into this relationship means others will be neglected... and thats kind of scary.
    And at times I've wonder, and felt uncomfortable in wondering, whether its not appropriate to spend as much time with certain close friends as I used to because I ought to be spending it with the girl.

    I think its like our Fe element has a melt down because we can't keep everybody happy anymore.

    If I spend excess time with this girl, then my other friends will be complaining that I'm neglecting them.

    It doesn't mean you're not important, but what is important is that you allow him the freedom to interact with everyone else as much as he needs to.



    And establishing open expression of your emotions with him is actually really good, coz its not like he won't be feeling some of the same things. Just give him space to think and sort things out.

  2. #12
    Member sunshinEnfp's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bronson View Post
    I don't want to scare you but if a girl I'd been with not long sent me this when I'd told her I wanted to move slowly I would feel pretty overwhelmed. But all is not lost.
    It's difficult coz going away gives a person headspace to think things through, which can be good or bad. And its unbearable for you because its impossible to read someone through dry text in an email - and even harder if he hasn't replied!!
    It could just genuinely be that there isn't time to answer to such an important and intense email in an internet cafe (those things suck like that).
    Yeah, a few days after sending it, I realized that maybe I wasn't respecting his boundaries and wanting to go slow. I honestly meant that I just wanted to be able to say "I miss you," but I think the message may have come across more intensely than I meant it to. But as you said, it was unbearable waiting for a response because something is better than nothing. I know in communication, it's all about how the person receives the message, rather than the intent... and to have NOTHING... it was driving me up the wall. Yiiikes.

    Quote Originally Posted by bronson View Post
    It could just genuinely be that there isn't time to answer to such an important and intense email in an internet cafe (those things suck like that).
    Yeah, I don't think I was giving him enough credit with the internet cafe stuff. He told me that the computers were incredibly, frustratingly slow... and I know he's in a place where it's not the easiest thing to get online, so I have to keep that in mind.

    Quote Originally Posted by bronson View Post
    It's kind of like the before and then during thing again.

    Before hand you're the girl he's keen on... an his mates will probably know all about you.

    But then during, its like we suddenly realise that the intensity of the relationship we've entered into is somewhat of a threat to our 'social supremacy' as in, the amount of energy put into this relationship means others will be neglected... and thats kind of scary.
    And at times I've wonder, and felt uncomfortable in wondering, whether its not appropriate to spend as much time with certain close friends as I used to because I ought to be spending it with the girl.

    I think its like our Fe element has a melt down because we can't keep everybody happy anymore.

    If I spend excess time with this girl, then my other friends will be complaining that I'm neglecting them.

    It doesn't mean you're not important, but what is important is that you allow him the freedom to interact with everyone else as much as he needs to.
    Didn't really think about this like this before, but it makes a LOT of sense. He's really about making other people feel comfortable, he has a lot of friends, and he... makes them priorities. And it makes sense and I am totally cool with it... but, I think he cares about their happiness in a different way than I do with my friends. I think (and maybe it's a bit of a girl thing, as well) that my friends will understand if I am spending time getting to know someone else.

    Plus, according to what I've seen of ENFJs and read online, they are EXTREMELY well organized, socially. For me, as an ENFP, I just kind of go with the flow... I don't really make a lot of concrete plans, it's basically based on my mood. I have the tendency to maybe be really close to this group of friends for a while, and then hop over to this group of friends. Sometimes, people may get neglected, but I am not even aware of it in that sense. I do sometimes feel like I don't know how to balance it all, but I just kind of count on the fact that people will be (1) forgiving and (2) vocal about if they need/want more time with me. Ultimately, it's not the biggest of deals to me... and maybe that is, again, the P vs. J difference?

    I just know that I don't want to put a lot of pressure on him to do or be anything but himself. I don't want him to worry or stress or anything about getting back to me or making me feel okay, you know? He's abroad, he should be enjoying it, and... basically, I don't want to come into his life and add any additional pressure? I know that as an ENFJ and just a selfless person, he's constantly giving, giving, giving. I don't want to just take from him, too (I mean, maybe a little). But... yeah, I don't know.

  3. #13
    Member sunshinEnfp's Avatar
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    Okay, so I got a response back from him... finally! After a week! (And after I sent him a little light-hearted e-mail that was funny and said not to worry about the other e-mail).

    I was really starting to freak out because it was the longest we had gone without speaking since we had met. I started to be worried about his safety, I started to worry that he was just cutting me out of his life... oh, the endless possibilities! But mostly, I told myself that there were a few realistic options: (1) he just didn't have time, (2) he didn't have real access to reliable computers, (3) I freaked him out and was trying to rush things, (4) he's just not that into me, or (5) all of the above.

    Well... it was interesting this morning because I received an e-mail from him, a forward. And I was like, "SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY?!?!?!" Then I told myself to calm down and just wait. About an hour later or so, I checked my e-mail again and I had two responses from him... one to my light e-mail and one to my "intense" e-mail.

    Okay, so... here's what happened, basically:
    He actually had gotten really sick with a fever for a few days, so he was really out of it (in addition to being away from the city, aka without internet access).

    In the e-mail responding to my intense e-mail, he said:

    "I honestly did not see this until now (or until I went back and searched for it since you mentioned it in the other e-mail).
    I feel you; I know you want a better rundown of all that is happening here... I promise to give it to you in person; usually at night I'm a bit too tired for that or at the cyber cafe the computers are all really slow slow or they crash in the middle of writing an email (just happened to me twice this hour).

    But also you know me, I think I'm on a different energy level so I might need some prodding to get all the details out of me."

    So, I am relieved about the response, but I also feel slightly ridiculous because I've been worrying my brains out for a week and it turns out he didn't even read the e-mail initially.

    Anyway... hmmm... ultimately... good. Very good. I think.

  4. #14
    Member bronson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sunshinEnfp View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by bronson View Post
    It's kind of like the before and then during thing again.

    Before hand you're the girl he's keen on... an his mates will probably know all about you.

    But then during, its like we suddenly realise that the intensity of the relationship we've entered into is somewhat of a threat to our 'social supremacy' as in, the amount of energy put into this relationship means others will be neglected... and thats kind of scary.
    And at times I've wonder, and felt uncomfortable in wondering, whether its not appropriate to spend as much time with certain close friends as I used to because I ought to be spending it with the girl.

    I think its like our Fe element has a melt down because we can't keep everybody happy anymore.

    If I spend excess time with this girl, then my other friends will be complaining that I'm neglecting them.

    It doesn't mean you're not important, but what is important is that you allow him the freedom to interact with everyone else as much as he needs to.
    Didn't really think about this like this before, but it makes a LOT of sense. He's really about making other people feel comfortable, he has a lot of friends, and he... makes them priorities. And it makes sense and I am totally cool with it... but, I think he cares about their happiness in a different way than I do with my friends. I think (and maybe it's a bit of a girl thing, as well) that my friends will understand if I am spending time getting to know someone else.
    That bit I bolded - I 100% relate, you hit the nail on the head.
    It doesn't mean your relationship isn't more important than the others, but its less likely you'll see that except when you're on your own with him...maybe, for the most part.


    Quote Originally Posted by sunshinEnfp View Post
    Plus, according to what I've seen of ENFJs and read online, they are EXTREMELY well organized, socially. For me, as an ENFP, I just kind of go with the flow... I don't really make a lot of concrete plans, it's basically based on my mood. I have the tendency to maybe be really close to this group of friends for a while, and then hop over to this group of friends. Sometimes, people may get neglected, but I am not even aware of it in that sense. I do sometimes feel like I don't know how to balance it all, but I just kind of count on the fact that people will be (1) forgiving and (2) vocal about if they need/want more time with me. Ultimately, it's not the biggest of deals to me... and maybe that is, again, the P vs. J difference?
    Haha yeah, the difference that drive me crazy. I get so sick of my NFP friends not making the effort, or so it would seem. I know it doesn't mean they don't care, its can be really frustrating though. But we understand, typology helps... and I just justify it to myself that they're a P, and hence I'm gonna be the one making the call.


    Quote Originally Posted by sunshinEnfp View Post
    I don't want to come into his life and add any additional pressure? I know that as an ENFJ and just a selfless person, he's constantly giving, giving, giving. I don't want to just take from him, too (I mean, maybe a little). But... yeah, I don't know.
    Its good that you've realised this. It's okay to take, but look where you can give. It may be that he just wants to relax around you. We're on the go alot sorting everyone out, so the people close to us are looked to more as debrief buddies, and when they demand our time, consciously or unconsciously, for their own purposes - it just gets a bit tiring sometimes.



    Quote Originally Posted by sunshinEnfp View Post
    Okay, so I got a response back from him... finally! After a week! (And after I sent him a little light-hearted e-mail that was funny and said not to worry about the other e-mail).

    So, I am relieved about the response, but I also feel slightly ridiculous because I've been worrying my brains out for a week and it turns out he didn't even read the e-mail initially.
    Haha you're funny, don't feel silly, its only natural - you must really like him
    Glad you heard back from him too.

  5. #15
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Looks like things are still a "go", Sunshine!
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  6. #16
    Member sunshinEnfp's Avatar
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    Okay, I have an update!

    The ENFJ guy is back and tonight we went out on a date. It went really well and he brought me back a gift and we just really seemed like we were connecting.

    Toward the end of the date, he asked me where I thought the relationship was going. I asked him to answer the question first, especially since he was the one who had asked.

    This ended up launching us into a semi-long and awkward conversation about our relationship. He ended up saying that he liked me, but he was not looking for anything serious and that he did not want anything "intense" and did not want any strings attached. He just was at a place in his life where he did not feel like he could commit to anything.

    I asked him if this meant that we were just going to be friends or if we were still going to date, and he said he wanted us to still date, just not continue down the possibly intense path that we were going on.

    I think he was being honest and I told him that I appreciated his honesty. But... what do you all think? Should I just continue to date him and see what happens? Just see if something happens organically as we get to know each other? Should I start trying to date other people and keep dating him? Or, is he "just not that into me" and I should move on?

    Let me mention that we had been dating for about 40 days and it had great momentum, then he was gone for about 45 days, and tonight was the first time we had met up since he had been gone. Do you think that maybe I just did not match up to his ideal? Is he playing the whole ENFP card on me (even though he's an ENFJ) and keeping his options open? Am I just stuck in that ENFP rut where people like me as a friend but don't look at me as a serious potential mate? Or is it possible that while this is open and light for now, it could grow into something bigger? If I think it has potential, am I just being a hopeful girl... or should I give it a chance?

    ENFJs, help a girl out!

  7. #17
    Senior Member nynesneg's Avatar
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    My personal unique perspective. (read - odd )

    I tend to compartmentalize my relationships with a Ti perspective, which most people don't seem to understand.

    I date people for one of two reasons. Either
    a) Wonderful friendship and romantic connection and I need the companionship, humor, and relaxation. They perfectly fill a need we both have at the time for a bf/gf.
    b) Or I'm madly excited about the person's interests/passions/etc and liked them from the instant we met.


    Bottom line. My guess is he's just not ready for a serious relationship. True, I've met my fair share of commitment-phobic player guys who date someone else behind your back. But from an ENFJ perspective I like to think he probably very much wants a relationship with you, just not prepared to commit alot into it with a busy school/career/etc. His mental alternative would be dating nobody because he's focusing on his life, but he likes you so wants to keep you in the picture.

    Does that equate at all to your impression of him?
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    To push beyond their natural abilities and create a reality from their dreams.

  8. #18
    Member sunshinEnfp's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nynesneg View Post
    Bottom line. My guess is he's just not ready for a serious relationship. True, I've met my fair share of commitment-phobic player guys who date someone else behind your back. But from an ENFJ perspective I like to think he probably very much wants a relationship with you, just not prepared to commit alot into it with a busy school/career/etc. His mental alternative would be dating nobody because he's focusing on his life, but he likes you so wants to keep you in the picture.

    Does that equate at all to your impression of him?
    I mean, that does make sense for who he is. He definitely is not the player type or anything and he definitely is a busy person. We do have a really great connection and we kind of met randomly, not really expecting anything to come of it, and just became something pretty big and nice.

    He said that he felt like we were headed in that direction, of being boyfriend and girlfriend and having a more serious commitment and he just was not ready for that. He just wanted to keep things light at this point in his life. And he had expressed that to me before he left to go abroad, but I guess he thought things were going to intensify very quickly now that he no longer had, "We should slow down, I'm going abroad" as an excuse.

    He said he just wanted to be honest because he did not want to lead me into thinking he was wanting something more serious and exclusive than he really wanted right now. He said he is really trying to figure out his other friendships and get back into his life right now and he does not want to have to feel like he is not communicating enough or spending enough time with me.

    After I made it clear that I was fine with still seeing him in a lighter manner, but not fine with us just being friends on the phone, he sent me an e-mail:

    hey,

    good chilling, talking. I apologize if I wasn't clear, I guess it shows that I have been trying to explore my mixed feelings on where the relationship is going...but thanks for being open to talking about it all.
    Again - I'm totally lucky to know such a cool, creative, innovative, intelligent, fresh person...and it's you!

    I am torn. In some ways, I feel like we are on the same page. I do not think I am ready for anything super serious right now either. I mean, I could see that getting old and boring really quickly. I follow my impulses and just go with my mood. I understand how that can seem intense in the moment, but it really is not SUPER super serious, although I do have a good connection with him and can see it going well down the road. On the other hand, however, I feel like this means "he just is not into me," he just is waiting for someone better to come along, and I am not good enough for him. But is that just me being a girl? I feel like if he really did not like me, he would just have ended it, especially when he had the excuse of being abroad for 45 days.

    Ugh, I am getting super analytical. Anyway, I think maybe it's like you said. He just does not have the time right now to devote to a dedicated, serious relationship (which he defined as having certain standards).

  9. #19
    Senior Member nynesneg's Avatar
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    Hmm...

    First off, even if you're irritated at him or whatever.. I really applaud and respect his open communication in your third paragraph. That is something extremely difficult to say, and shows alot of character and respect for you by being honest imo.


    If I were you... I'd say maybe lets step back and be open dating - not a single relationship. It sounds like he really likes you as a person but not in a place to have a real relationship or as you said, not sure if he's "that into you". You don't want to end up investing a bunch of emotional energy when he's just not sure what he wants and could end up breaking up while you're head over heels for him.

    I might pin him down ask him what he really wants right now. Tell him you need some kind of knowledge/expectation if he even wants a relationship right now with you period. Assure him that you will be fine if he decides to just be close friends and hang out as such, or open dating instead of a relationship. You deserve to know that.

    I don't know.
    3w2


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  10. #20
    Senior Member The Third Rider's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nynesneg View Post
    Hmm...

    First off, even if you're irritated at him or whatever.. I really applaud and respect his open communication in your third paragraph. That is something extremely difficult to say, and shows alot of character and respect for you by being honest imo.


    If I were you... I'd say maybe lets step back and be open dating - not a single relationship. It sounds like he really likes you as a person but not in a place to have a real relationship or as you said, not sure if he's "that into you". You don't want to end up investing a bunch of emotional energy when he's just not sure what he wants and could end up breaking up while you're head over heels for him.

    I might pin him down ask him what he really wants right now. Tell him you need some kind of knowledge/expectation if he even wants a relationship right now with you period. Assure him that you will be fine if he decides to just be close friends and hang out as such, or open dating instead of a relationship. You deserve to know that.

    I don't know.

    I think he made that clear already. He just doesn't want a serious relationship and all the commitments that come with it. There are many reasons why he might feel like this and its almost a waste of time to try and dwell into those possibilities since we know what his final answer is. sunshinEnfp my personal opinion here is that obviously you like this guy and you have a certain idea of what you want in a relationship. However, he is not willing to provide you with what you want on an emotional level so to me it would seem that it is not an ideal match for you. You both clearly have different views on the relationship and in the end it might bring issues because you expect a certain level of commitment from him while he has already told you that, that is not what he is willing to provide for you. You can continue to date him and may be hope that he changes those ideals or it could lead into you just being disappointed because your needs are not being met. Just my 2 cents.
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