[NF] Do's and Don'ts of dating and NF

[4375]

I am dating a INFJ. I am starting to really understand her. I would like to talk to NF's to get their advice on what the do's and don't of relationships with NF's.

The discussion doesn't have to be specifially about my situation. Just NF's in general male or female. That way everyone can input and everyone can gain from an NF's advice.

 

[Mad Hatter]

I am starting to really understand her.

Ha! Gotcha.
Seriously: Speaking as an INFP, I don't like being labelled. At all. "I don't understand you" can sometimes be actually sort of a compliment (but tread carefully here, it's always dependant on the situation. Don't use in in the middle of an argument ). Sometimes I just like to feign complexity I don't know how INFJs are in that respect.

 

[4375]

I like labels......makes life more structured......but seriously........

People are still unpredictable and can never be contained within a set of specific guidelines. Still there is some merrit to the personality descriptions.

 

[Charmed Justice]

Can't speak for anyone but myself, but these are things that come to my mind. I need:

*Acceptance
*Space
*Time to think out important decisions and weigh my options
*Understanding
*Honesty, but diplomacy.
*To be valued and seen as a unique individual, appreciated for the specific things that I bring to the table(or not)
*To be taken seriously when I'm being serious.
*To laugh a lot

Don't be:

*Controlling.
*Demanding
*Insensitive and overly brutish. We know how to hit below the belt too, and we will when provoked too many times. Don't be fooled. When we ask you to stop being hurtful, and outline what that means(cause we will), pay close attention and make an effort to communicate differently.
*A liar. Personally, I can accept imperfections and even "mistakes", but being intentionally lied to burns me to my core.
*Possessive

 

[4375]

Thanks for your honesty and input. I have totally seen the importance of space, understanding and giving time to make important decisions. It makes sense. It is all about respect.

 

[Amargith]

Love your types strength, determination, lack of indecision, your take charge no nonsense attitude. It feels safe, protective...as long as you aim it at the outside world! Turn it on me and it better be dosed with tenderness, respect, kindness and not with you taking me for granted or treating me like a pawn. I personally love it when a guy with that kinda mindset then turns to me and lets go. Realizes that with me, he gets a break from all that stuff, there is no real need for him to be controlling as everything is fine the way it is. That I'm trying to provide safe haven for him, when it's just the to of us, so he can relax. And that he appreciates that. That he appreciates who I am, doesn't freak at my crazy quirks, but trusts, that my method though not as efficient as his, will yield results, and potentially is more suited for interpersonal situations, for his pleasure, for that matter. Someone who knows better than to treat me like a porcelain doll but will keep me safe nonetheless, without treating me like child, not taking me seriously. On the contrary, I expect you to take into account what I say. So don't lie to me to protect me, and don't keep me out of the loop. We're a team. Appreciate me for who I am and balance out my flaws. I'll do the same for you.

Hope this helps

 

[Mad Hatter]

Maybe you should have a look at the "How easy is it to hurt an INFJ guy's feelings?" thread. I think an important point is the whole intentionality complex. It has been explained pretty well and doesn't need repeating. Just to sum it up: For an INFJ, your intentions are possibly more important than your actions. The real fighting starts only when your s.o. has the feeling that you did something for the sole purpose of hurting her. Keep in mind thing: Sincere apologies can mean a lot. And I think that most INFJs aren't known for being unforgiving. They don't see it as a sign of weakness.

It is all about respect.

Spot on. Again, INFPs might be a bit different, but one thing I can absolutely not stand is ridicule - both targeted at other people, but especially at me, and even doing it in good humour might sometimes make me kinda edgy. Don't even think of it, even in the middle of an argument (not that I think you're prone to this, just wanted to give you a heads-up )
It's one of the things I can forgive, but won't forget. Do it too often and I will withdraw without telling you.
Hope that helps.

 

[4375]

Thanks. I find it all interesting. Some I already know but it is good to have things confirmed.

 

[Billy]

Dont take her feelings for granted, and make sure you take the time to say AND show appreciation for her feelings and her intuition. By that I mean don't just bulldoze over her opinion which she might hold back a bit because she wants you to be happy. INFJs can be sort of self sacrificing, but not in a good way always.

 

[Edgar]

I am dating a INFJ. I am starting to really understand her. I would like to talk to NF's to get their advice on what the do's and don't of relationships with NF's.

Apparently, some INFJs don't like it in the butt.
But you have to talk to the original source as for exact reasons why.

 

[4375]

Apparently, some INFJs don't like it in the butt.
But you have to talk to the original source as for exact reasons why.

Haha ..............I don't think that is just INFJ's.

 

[entropie]

Don't arrive with two beer bottles in your jacket if you dont want to indicate nervousness

 

[kyuuei]

Sometimes I don't want things fixed. Like, there are things I already know the answers to, but still whine/bitch about. I don't want to hear a solution necessarily. I just want someone I trust to vent at. I may already know the answer. So it's insulting when I say "This happened again at work =(" and someone goes "Ugh, why don't you just x and y?!" like it's my fault that it's happening. Respecting my space is part of allowing me to fix my own problems on my timelines.

Ha! Gotcha.
Seriously: Speaking as an INFP, I don't like being labelled. At all. "I don't understand you" can sometimes be actually sort of a compliment (but tread carefully here, it's always dependant on the situation. Don't use in in the middle of an argument ). Sometimes I just like to feign complexity I don't know how INFJs are in that respect.

THIS. Nothing pisses me off faster than chalking eveything you know about me up to stereotypes. It's like you didn't bother to get to know me at all, just used a list of filters to guess the entire time.

*Acceptance
*Space
*Time to think out important decisions and weigh my options
*Understanding
*Honesty, but diplomacy.
*To be valued and seen as a unique individual, appreciated for the specific things that I bring to the table(or not)
*To be taken seriously when I'm being serious.
*To laugh a lot

Don't be:

*Controlling.
*Demanding
*Insensitive and overly brutish. We know how to hit below the belt too, and we will when provoked too many times. Don't be fooled. When we ask you to stop being hurtful, and outline what that means(cause we will), pay close attention and make an effort to communicate differently.
*A liar. Personally, I can accept imperfections and even "mistakes", but being intentionally lied to burns me to my core.
*Possessive

I think all of these are awesome points.. I think most people even outside of NFs would agree with them. Situation will dictate all. I think most of the fights that stem from NFs are miscommunication-oriented. It's not what you said, or meant to say.. HOW you said it totally threw us off. We can get hurt for a long time because you said x, but tried to mean y, and the words used to say y are stuck with us for life.

I don't need a man to be totally into everything I am. Just genuinely respectful of the things I am into. I need open-mindedness. I'm genuinely scared sometimes of revealing my entire self because I feel like I'll drive people away. Knowing I can trust someone enough to be myself is a huge driving factor in my relationships.

 

[musttry]

Hmmm... I'm wondering if gender doesn't have a lot more to do with it than type. I can say what I want (a sexy chiquita who respects the hell out of me and what I can do) but I don't think it's what an INFJ chick is necessarily looking for.

(PS. And no, I don't mean bow to me, just acknowledge that I am an F man that puts a lot of energy into making sure you're alright.)

 

[musttry]

Sometimes I don't want things fixed. Like, there are things I already know the answers to, but still whine/bitch about. I don't want to hear a solution necessarily. I just want someone I trust to vent at. I may already know the answer. So it's insulting when I say "This happened again at work =(" and someone goes "Ugh, why don't you just x and y?!" like it's my fault that it's happening. Respecting my space is part of allowing me to fix my own problems on my timelines.

THIS. Nothing pisses me off faster than chalking eveything you know about me up to stereotypes. It's like you didn't bother to get to know me at all, just used a list of filters to guess the entire time.

Man! It's like I'm fighting with my gf and she doesn't even know of this board.

 

[toast]

This is the biggest thing for me... Show me how you feel when you feel it. I need affirmation of our relationship, I need updates on how I still interest you. I don't need them constantly, but I need them to be genuine. So when you are thinking about me, tell me then. When it crosses your mind that you like me for some reason, compliment me then. If I don't get enough genuine expressions of devotion, I start looking for them too much...

Sex has to have some emotional connection every once in a while. If it doesn't, I do the same as above... I look for it too much. Sex itself can be purely physical, but not all the time. If a guy is never emotionally engaged during sex, I will lose interest in sex with him eventually.

Sometimes I don't want things fixed. Like, there are things I already know the answers to, but still whine/bitch about. I don't want to hear a solution necessarily. I just want someone I trust to vent at. I may already know the answer. So it's insulting when I say "This happened again at work =(" and someone goes "Ugh, why don't you just x and y?!" like it's my fault that it's happening. Respecting my space is part of allowing me to fix my own problems on my timelines.

Oh yeah.
Let me vent & pay enough attention to show me you're devoted... watch me turn as ecstatic as I was upset, and it will be because of you. Don't give me solutions unless you know they don't invalidate my feelings. Example: When I say I'm upset... ask me why. Do not instantly try to take my mind off of it by making me laugh or telling me "do this & you'll be fine." It may work from time to time, but it generally makes me feel cheated out of real support.

Dont take her feelings for granted, and make sure you take the time to say AND show appreciation for her feelings and her intuition. By that I mean don't just bulldoze over her opinion which she might hold back a bit because she wants you to be happy. INFJs can be sort of self sacrificing, but not in a good way always.

Also, if she compliments you or talks about herself, show interest. I don't know how much INFJs compliment. I'm an E so I do it a lot, but it is very offensive to me when they are taken for granted or not appreciated. How I perceive someone's interest in me is usually taken directly from how they respond to my interest in them. If I like them & I show it but they don't seem to appreciate that, there isn't much they can do independently that will make me think they like me. So feedback is crucial for me.

(That's actually kind of funny & I wonder where it comes from. Anyone know if that's a typical ENFJ thing? You can seriously scream at me about how much you adore me but if you don't reciprocate my expressions... I simply can't believe you.)

 

[kyuuei]

I'm not sure if this is an ENFP thing or a Me thing, but I definitely hate it when people assume.

Don't assume. Anything. Communicate. I'd rather someone ask too many questions than never ask at all. I'm not a mind reader.. I often step on toes, I'm too eccentric, etc. and I can't tell many of the times when I am invading someone's space or offending them, etc.

Since I know people can't even begin to read my mind, I'm very forthright and honest about what bothers me. If I don't say it immediately, it's only because I'm trying to figure out myself why I'm bothered by it so that a solution will be available when I bring it up. I will always tell my friends, family, etc. the things that offend or upset me, and I NEED that courtesy in return. Assuming I'll be offended, or assuming that something won't bother me is like lacking respect for my feelings.

I often tell people that "If you offend me, you'll know. And even then, my friends can never cross a single boundary and be cut off from me. So you'll be able to fix it." I tell everyone, and no one has to worry about my boundaries because I'll definitely assert them when necessary. I just need the same done for me, which ties right back into the "Can I trust you to be who I am without resentment??" thing.

 

[Charmed Justice]

I'm not sure if this is an ENFP thing or a Me thing, but I definitely hate it when people assume.

Don't assume. Anything. Communicate. I'd rather someone ask too many questions than never ask at all. I'm not a mind reader.. I often step on toes, I'm too eccentric, etc. and I can't tell many of the times when I am invading someone's space or offending them, etc.

I can relate. I tend to probe people that I'm getting to know, asking a million questions about their motives, desires, likes and dislikes. It's occasionally embarrassing because I know it's annoying to some types, but if I'm to meet people where they are, I need to know what that is exactly. I might have an intuitive understanding of a person, but I don't assume what I intuit to necessarily be correct. Although, it usually is, and I'm aware of my ability to understand people with little data. I'd prefer people speak for themselves though, and I like the same done for me in return. I trust what people tell me, and I'd also like that returned too. Very important.

 

[kyuuei]

^ Indeed, I feel you there. I think people get annoyed, consider me not so genuine, etc. but the reality is I'm ever curious about people, especially people that are potentially going to be my friend or in my life.

So I guess to tie this into the thread Don't date an ENFP if you don't want to be forced to answer a million 'personal' questions.

Oh. And I have absolutely no sense of what is 'personal' or not. You have to provide that information.

 

[Charmed Justice]

So true. I just tend to do it when I'm first getting to know someone. I go into journalist/excavationist mode, but it tappers off once I'm clear on who or what I'm dealing with.

I do shy away from deeply personal issues, unless someone has brought my personal life into the conversation. At that point, most everything is game. But I can tell when someone is getting uncomfortable, and I'll drop highly sensitive subjects that seem to make people squirm. I don't like people to dig up painful things from their past at my asking, unless, they've specifically sought me out to unload for whatever reason.