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Thread: ENFJ trust

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    Senior Member toast's Avatar
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    Default ENFJ trust

    Ever lost trust in a relationship? As in, you can't trust the other party or feel secure, but they aren't actively doing anything to deserve it? (Insecurity comes from events in the past).

    How do you get over it? I mean, if they aren't doing anything that would give you reason not to try & trust them again, how do you actually try as an ENFJ? Is it even possible without detaching for a while to separate your feelings from the past & make your Ni shut up?

    If anyone has had a situation they feel is comparable or any general advice, please share.

  2. #2
    Crazy Diamond Billy's Avatar
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    I am not an ENFJ but I share the same cognitive processes in a slightly different order, and for me, once trust has been killed, the relationship is dead. I never go against my Ni. Every time I have something bad has happened.

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    Senior Member SpottingTrains's Avatar
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    If they haven't done anything to deserve it, I would slowly start trusting them with small things that you haven't let them in on yet. See how they react, how they handle the information, who they tell ect. If it's positive then just keep slowly letting them in...but if you are getting a really strong indicator that you can't trust this person then maybe you shouldn't be with them (or do you just not trust people in general right now?)?
    "That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can."

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    Senior Member toast's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpottingTrains View Post
    If they haven't done anything to deserve it, I would slowly start trusting them with small things that you haven't let them in on yet. See how they react, how they handle the information, who they tell ect. If it's positive then just keep slowly letting them in...but if you are getting a really strong indicator that you can't trust this person then maybe you shouldn't be with them (or do you just not trust people in general right now?)?
    It is a relationship issue. Not so much about trusting him with personal issues or information. It is about him doing things & hiding things that he knows would upset me which are not acceptable in our relationship (for him or for me). He has done this in the past, but never revealed them to me, even when I gave him the opportunity by voicing my suspicions. I discovered them. I don't feel like he is doing those things currently. But I'm not sure how to keep myself from thinking about them happening in the future. I trust his intentions now, but not his self control or how much his feelings for me impact his self control. So I feel like I can't trust that he won't do those things again & have a reason to hide from me. I feel like not trusting him might lead him to feel like hiding from me though, & if he deserves it. I feel like he deserves it. I just don't know how to have it.

  5. #5
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Billy View Post
    I am not an ENFJ but I share the same cognitive processes in a slightly different order, and for me, once trust has been killed, the relationship is dead. I never go against my Ni. Every time I have something bad has happened.
    Seconded. We may be civilized and even friendly, but they're dead to me.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

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    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toast View Post
    Ever lost trust in a relationship? As in, you can't trust the other party or feel secure, but they aren't actively doing anything to deserve it? (Insecurity comes from events in the past).

    How do you get over it? I mean, if they aren't doing anything that would give you reason not to try & trust them again, how do you actually try as an ENFJ? Is it even possible without detaching for a while to separate your feelings from the past & make your Ni shut up?

    If anyone has had a situation they feel is comparable or any general advice, please share.
    I don't think this situation is type related at all. I do think if you're projecting issues from past relationships on your current one...bad. This person is not the past person and you need to deal with that and not wallow in it and use it as an excuse. If your current relationship gives you reasons to not trust, depending on what that it, you need to examine why you are still in the relationship.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  7. #7
    Senior Member toast's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    I don't think this situation is type related at all. I do think if you're projecting issues from past relationships on your current one...bad. This person is not the past person and you need to deal with that and not wallow in it and use it as an excuse. If your current relationship gives you reasons to not trust, depending on what that it, you need to examine why you are still in the relationship.
    It is the same person... but a unique situation. Its not that he really changed. He just eventually cared. He was very very slow to commit or even affirm our relationship... and a couple of times when I was sure we were exclusive, he did things (that would've hurt him severely if I had done them to him) to remind me we weren't. Each time I reacted to it & said it wasn't acceptable to me, he did something less severe, but still "testing." This continued until all my "requirements" for being in a relationship with him were spoken. Then he stopped & affirmed that he wanted to be with me, we were exclusive & he wasn't going to do anything anymore that he wouldn't want me doing. So he doesn't do the things he used to do that hurt me when we weren't as serious. But now that we are trying for something real I have trouble not being triggered by things that remind me of what he did back then... and subsequently fearing he will do things like that again. You see, after each time he hurt me he feigned ignorance or said he "didn't know why" he did it. Like it was some lapse in judgment. He would never outright admit that he was testing me or that we weren't really "together" in his eyes. So now my worry seems to be fueled by the idea that he could have some relapse into old habits.

    I am with him because I adore him. When things are good they are amazing. And I know now that he loves me & truly wants to be with me. Ever loved almost everything about someone except how they showed love back? He's very subtle, and it can seem cold, distant & even deceptive at times (because sometimes I feel like he hides from me). I think it is just who he is (ISTP), I do know for several reasons that regardless of the past I am extremely important to him & he loves me very much, but our incompatibility in how we communicate & our past makes for very shaky ground with this whole trust thing.

  8. #8
    Filthy Apes! Kalach's Avatar
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    Are you not testing him too?



    I have wondered about complete dual relationships, wondering if they don't need a great deal more trust and outright simple love than other dualities just because the differing strengths of the people are so differing. Where one wants to be strong and worries very much about being weak, the partner is naturally strong, and one has the same role for the partner's weaknesses too. Thus, presumably one is required to have a great deal of faith.



    And the Lord Jung did frown upon the Land, for here was an INTJ proffering relationship advice. Pigs sang, cows flew. Much was upside down.
    Bellison uncorked a flood of horrible profanity, which, translated, meant, "This is extremely unusual."

    Boy meets Grr

  9. #9
    Senior Member Heinel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kalach View Post
    And the Lord Jung did frown upon the Land, for here was an INTJ proffering relationship advice. Pigs sang, cows flew. Much was upside down.
    I bit the bait too, let's put the blame on ENFJs' ability to influence? =P

    I wonder about duality as well. The type dynamics made it sound like it couldn't possibly be better, but after all, we are still dealing with someone who is from another planet. Where does the confidence come from?
    Check out my blog: http://OrnateRitual.com

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    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toast View Post
    It is the same person... but a unique situation. Its not that he really changed. He just eventually cared. He was very very slow to commit or even affirm our relationship... and a couple of times when I was sure we were exclusive, he did things (that would've hurt him severely if I had done them to him) to remind me we weren't. Each time I reacted to it & said it wasn't acceptable to me, he did something less severe, but still "testing." This continued until all my "requirements" for being in a relationship with him were spoken. Then he stopped & affirmed that he wanted to be with me, we were exclusive & he wasn't going to do anything anymore that he wouldn't want me doing. So he doesn't do the things he used to do that hurt me when we weren't as serious. But now that we are trying for something real I have trouble not being triggered by things that remind me of what he did back then... and subsequently fearing he will do things like that again. You see, after each time he hurt me he feigned ignorance or said he "didn't know why" he did it. Like it was some lapse in judgment. He would never outright admit that he was testing me or that we weren't really "together" in his eyes. So now my worry seems to be fueled by the idea that he could have some relapse into old habits.

    I am with him because I adore him. When things are good they are amazing. And I know now that he loves me & truly wants to be with me. Ever loved almost everything about someone except how they showed love back? He's very subtle, and it can seem cold, distant & even deceptive at times (because sometimes I feel like he hides from me). I think it is just who he is (ISTP), I do know for several reasons that regardless of the past I am extremely important to him & he loves me very much, but our incompatibility in how we communicate & our past makes for very shaky ground with this whole trust thing.
    Your inability to communicate is what is going to kill your relationship. Period. Doesn't matter how much love and adoration is there. Communication is the key to trusting someone (ok well, actions count a great deal here but you still have to open your mouth and speak). If it were me and I was still feeling that unsure about it, I would step back, simmer down, access the situation and start talking. If he won't communicate as well, on the same level and of the same amount, buh-bye. It just won't work.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

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