It is so much like being from different planets. Every reaction I have to the world moves in the exact opposite process from his. I can almost never read him with certainty. I know without a doubt this relationship won't last without some measure of faith. When it comes to life in general, we are quite compatible. His strengths are my weaknesses & visa versa. He makes me see myself & the world in unfamiliar ways, pushes me to to things I would never have done without him. I can't tell you how much he's grown since we've been friends. But in an intimate relationship, where the vulnerabilities lie, that's where he will never naturally give me what I need & I will do exactly the same... cover him with everything that's trivial & shallow to him & deprive him of what he needs to thrive. Unless we actively remember this & choose to appreciate the love we are getting & try to love each other from time to time on the other's terms. I know we can do that. I do not know if he will.
It is not enough to "accept" that he can't love me like I would love him & convince myself to feel loved by his intentions. Though it is valuable & necessary to keep going, it only works up to a point. I tried for so long to tell myself that I just needed to realize how he showed his love to me & I would feel loved. I am only realizing now that there are real needs everyone has that simply can't be ignored. I know that he doesn't know how to give me those things. But telling him that is not easy.
Originally Posted by ceecee
Your inability to communicate is what is going to kill your relationship. Period. Doesn't matter how much love and adoration is there. Communication is the key to trusting someone (ok well, actions count a great deal here but you still have to open your mouth and speak). If it were me and I was still feeling that unsure about it, I would step back, simmer down, access the situation and start talking. If he won't communicate as well, on the same level and of the same amount, buh-bye. It just won't work.
I understand this too. I have talked & talked & talked. It is so difficult to find a place where I can feel safe to talk & he can feel safe listening. It has only happened a handful of times. This is where the source of my pain really lies, because I am a talker... its how I find security & resolution... and sometimes I simply don't have the strength to talk to him. It can be so destructive if it isn't delivered carefully.
Here is an illustration of my whole experience with this relationship... I got upset over us today for a little bit. When he eventually did try to comfort me he said in an uncharacteristically bold manner "we'll get through this, together." I know he was being sincere. He was holding me, he was very patient with me. I appreciate all that so much. So I picked myself up, started to feel better, went & spent time with him. But I don't believe he knows what he's talking about. I don't think he has any idea what the problem really is. He just thinks if he's "good" to me, it'll pass. But the problem is, his "good to me" isn't mine. He doesn't actually know what's missing in how he treats me that's keeping me from thriving. And he is pretty darn happy... with the exception of my moods, he is satisfied. But he wasn't until I spent a great deal of effort figuring out what he needs from me.
I am actually feeling somewhat better about this though, because he has made some efforts & made some sacrifices (that are very obvious) to show he wants me to feel secure with him. I feel like patience is half the problem. He asked me to give him a list of things that I look for in our relationship that I don't find. I'm just going to give him a list of things he could do to make me feel more secure & happy. But I have this feeling he won't do anything with that list. If I could just hold on & let him be than maybe he would.