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  1. #1
    Member nzAShadow's Avatar
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    Default The pain of Ni in a male INFJ

    My closest friend, and INFJ, is going through a particularly rough time right now. Here is the story.

    A girl that he has had strong feelings for since childhood breaks up with her boyfriend, three weeks later she starts sleeping with another good friend of his. It should also be noted that my friend also doesn't live in town, but in a city two and a half hours away, but was making the drive to town to visit us and hang out every week, only to go home for maybe three or four days of the week to go to work.

    Well, he was upset over this, saying he was wanting to break TV's (those who watch How I Met Your Mother may know this reference.) While he's in town one week, the girl teasingly asks him if he would date her (it should also be noted that she's had feelings for him since childhood.) So my friend, being the honest person he is, says yes he would.

    The discuss it, the girl pushing a relationship, but he didn't want to rush into a relationship because she had just gotten out of a long relationship, and he has bad experiences with being a rebound from another girl, suffice it to say a very long chapter of pain in his life. So, no relationship is developed, however, the girl decides to take a week off work the next week, so she and him could spend the whole week together.

    So they go through with this, he comes to town and spends the week with her, listening to her problems from the past relationship and how that guy won't let go of her, but generally hanging out playing rockband most of the week, all the while she basically was trying to seduce him into some sort of physical relationship, though him and his intimacy issues would even let him indulge in that.

    Well, week ends, he comes to stay at my house the last night in town so that I can take him to the train the next morning so he could head back to town. So whilst on my computer, was logged on to his preferred IM messaging program, sees his friend that was sleeping with her log on, then go idle 5 minutes later, another 5 minutes later the girl logs off. (It should be known that it is confirmed practically a couple days later that she is sleeping with his friend again)

    Here starts the dreaded downward spiral of his Ni+Fe that I've seen so many times before, and again I don't know what to do to help other than listen to him with my occasional input or let it pass, which I know doesn't end well. In the past this has even led to a suicide attempt, so I am afraid to just let this pass.

    Any advice for healing a wounded INFJ would be immensely helpful. While I can relate to his pain I don't know how to articulate any sound advice that would apply to him instead of myself, as I've found suggesting my own coping methods simply would not benefit him, and that he would need effective ways to cope or deal with it that would apply more specifically to himself.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Tikka's Avatar
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    World is not a friggin idealistic place. Get him out to social events that he likes, get him to talk to other girls, let him know she's not the only girl out there.

    Also, let him know that if he wanted to f*ck her, he should have, and not whine afterwards.

    In another topic: women

  3. #3
    Member nzAShadow's Avatar
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    Though I agree that if he could indulge into any of these, it'd help him out. The problem is, these have been brought up on several occasions, but he is too caught up in his Ni to do any of it.

    How would you go about motivating him into actually doing these things?

  4. #4
    Crazy Diamond Billy's Avatar
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    Tell him to move on, the nice guy act is ridiculous.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Tikka's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nzAShadow View Post
    Though I agree that if he could indulge into any of these, it'd help him out. The problem is, these have been brought up on several occasions, but he is too caught up in his Ni to do any of it.

    How would you go about motivating him into actually doing these things?
    Intrinsic motivation won't help. I suggest you drag him by his hair to any of these places.

    Seriously, he won't get there by himself. That's why you, as a friend, should make some external effort to drag him there. You know what makes him happy, so get him to these happy places. He's just too busy with sulking to have any motivation to go there himself.

    And oh yeah, big time Nice Guy he is.

  6. #6
    Member nzAShadow's Avatar
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    oh man, it's not like you can tell someone to do something and they'll do it, though there's got to be a way to get through to him.

  7. #7
    Listening Oaky's Avatar
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    This would be one of the best solutions:
    [YOUTUBE="8PKndk7vu-E"]Cheating girlfriend[/YOUTUBE]
    Tell him to do this.

  8. #8
    Member nzAShadow's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tikka View Post
    Intrinsic motivation won't help. I suggest you drag him by his hair to any of these places.

    Seriously, he won't get there by himself. That's why you, as a friend, should make some external effort to drag him there. You know what makes him happy, so get him to these happy places. He's just too busy with sulking to have any motivation to go there himself.

    And oh yeah, big time Nice Guy he is.
    Ok, this makes sense. Also happens to be my weak point, but I think I can do it.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Tikka's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nzAShadow View Post
    oh man, it's not like you can tell someone to do something and they'll do it, though there's got to be a way to get through to him.
    That's why I said you should drag him physically to another place. You won't get through to him.

    Him interacting with lotsa other nice girls and doing nice things will.

    But before that, you need to get him physically there, and when he's there, others will get through to him.

  10. #10
    Crazy Diamond Billy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nzAShadow View Post
    oh man, it's not like you can tell someone to do something and they'll do it, though there's got to be a way to get through to him.
    The sad fact is that for an INFJ male who is sort of like an awkward mix, trust me I know from experience,he must want to change or be the change. There is truly nothing you can do until he decides he is ready to move on. You cannot help someone who cannot help themself.

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