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  1. #21
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Iíve been told a few times now by mature people, whose insight I respect, that I must not let my self-worth/self-esteem be affected by how another person behaves or feels towards me. This has always followed on the heels of a conversation about a friend being angry with me, a breakup, someone who Iíve made friendship efforts with not giving me the time of dayÖetc.

    A few people seem to have picked up on this from me, and from self-examination I am getting the impression it is a problem for me, too. When people treat me unkindly, or if I fall out with a friend, or if a guy I like doesnít like me, etc, it just seems to flatten me out of all measure. Besides having physical symptoms like nausea and exhaustion, I start questioning everything about myself. If there is blame on both sides, I blow my side of it out of all proportion. If itís clearly the other personís fault (I mean, it might even be clear to others), I still start questioning everything about myself and the part I may have played. I shouldnít have said things that way, I pick my friends badly, if he doesnít like me itís because Iím not worth much, blah blah blah. I may be exaggerating slightly here, but only slightly. It is definitely sometimes I need to work on.

    I should add that generally my relationships with others seem to run quite smoothly. So part of it may be the shock on the relatively rare occasions when things donít go well. But that doesnít really explain itÖ Maybe I also take too much of my self-worth from generally having good relationships with others!

    Is this very much an NF thing, or am I just a bit messed up?

    I dont think it's an NF thing. I JUST went through this exactly as you describe. Rejected by a guy. You know how I got out of the horrible self-doubt and insecurities? Self-talk. Literally. I would repeat to myself time after time: "I'm so friggin awesome!". If I had a moment of doubt, I would get those positive thoughts back in my head.

    I would walk around work with my head held so high, purposely, even if I WASNT feeling all that great, but it made me exude positivity and confidence. Then I went around complimenting everyone, including the guy that rejected me. I compliment him like I'm friggin Penelope Cruz doing him the favor of a compliment! THAT's how confident you have to be. Making people feel good makes you in turn feel good. And trust me...it takes practice at first.

    I didnt think it was possible, but I have shocked myself. I never knew it could be so simple.

    Something a friend brought to my attention is that I'm apologetic even when I dont need to be. So now I'm more careful about apologizing. Make yourself feel worthy, even if you have to literally tell yourself that you are! Only apologize if ABSOLUTELY necessary.

    Now repeat after me: I'M AWESOME. I'M AWESOME. I'M AWESOME. I'M SO FRIGGIN AWESOME!!!!

    And dont just say it! BELIEVE IT! Because you are!

  2. #22
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Misc thoughts

    It's hard to work from the outside in, as in reframing and cognitive therapy/self-talk, when you're INFJ. Or at least that's my experience. The gut has to align first. If my self-talk is not aligned with my gut, my gut calls bullshit.

    INFJ has a strong tendency to introject, so when you are forced to reject what you've incorporated into yourself, it's like sawing off your own arm.

    I don't know if this will help you, but it helped me stop -- it's a form of arrogance to think that you can control everything. I know you don't want to be arrogant. That thinking that if you'd just done or not done something, it would have made all the difference is most often just not true and it does you a disservice because you accept responsibility for things that are not yours. It's a boundary issue.

    Make sure you get enough sleep.

  3. #23
    Senior Member toast's Avatar
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    I get this soooo bad but only when I really truly care about someone. Its as if I have decided that if they are worth caring for they are special to the extent that they can't be completely wrong about how they feel about me / treat me. It can be terrible in romantic relationships. If they don't treat me how I would treat them, there must be something wrong with me, or rather, there must be something I can do to change it. I get the nausea & exhaustion too. Though, once I disconnect from those people I can be extremely resilient. When it comes to people I don't count on, I'm pretty good at ignoring the kind of criticism or treatment that would normally hurt me.

  4. #24
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    I get easily crushed by people I have placed in high regard, but I don't usually show it. I just move on, and die a little bit on the inside.
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

  5. #25
    Senior Member mwv6r's Avatar
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    Wow SilkRoad this is totally me to a T! It's nice to know I'm not the only one

    I've been afflicted with this heightened sensitivity my whole life. I believe it's a gift and a curse--it gives me a special knack for understanding and connecting with others, yet sometimes I feel so hurt by others' rudeness that I get physically ill and feel hurt and upset for days. My boss was in a bad mood and lashed out at me last week, and the next day I felt so down in the dumps that it was hard to get out of bed. One of the hardest things is that when people mistreat me I obsess over whether I deserved it and become extremely hard on myself. Anyway, I would like to develop a thicker skin because I know sometimes people are going to be assholes and it'd be best for me to learn how to let it roll off my back.... Suggestions, anyone? lol



    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Iíve been told a few times now by mature people, whose insight I respect, that I must not let my self-worth/self-esteem be affected by how another person behaves or feels towards me. This has always followed on the heels of a conversation about a friend being angry with me, a breakup, someone who Iíve made friendship efforts with not giving me the time of dayÖetc.

    A few people seem to have picked up on this from me, and from self-examination I am getting the impression it is a problem for me, too. When people treat me unkindly, or if I fall out with a friend, or if a guy I like doesnít like me, etc, it just seems to flatten me out of all measure. Besides having physical symptoms like nausea and exhaustion, I start questioning everything about myself. If there is blame on both sides, I blow my side of it out of all proportion. If itís clearly the other personís fault (I mean, it might even be clear to others), I still start questioning everything about myself and the part I may have played. I shouldnít have said things that way, I pick my friends badly, if he doesnít like me itís because Iím not worth much, blah blah blah. I may be exaggerating slightly here, but only slightly. It is definitely sometimes I need to work on.

    I should add that generally my relationships with others seem to run quite smoothly. So part of it may be the shock on the relatively rare occasions when things donít go well. But that doesnít really explain itÖ Maybe I also take too much of my self-worth from generally having good relationships with others!

    Is this very much an NF thing, or am I just a bit messed up?

  6. #26
    Aspiring Troens Ridder KLessard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Iíve been told a few times now by mature people, whose insight I respect, that I must not let my self-worth/self-esteem be affected by how another person behaves or feels towards me. This has always followed on the heels of a conversation about a friend being angry with me, a breakup, someone who Iíve made friendship efforts with not giving me the time of dayÖetc.

    A few people seem to have picked up on this from me, and from self-examination I am getting the impression it is a problem for me, too. When people treat me unkindly, or if I fall out with a friend, or if a guy I like doesnít like me, etc, it just seems to flatten me out of all measure. Besides having physical symptoms like nausea and exhaustion, I start questioning everything about myself. If there is blame on both sides, I blow my side of it out of all proportion. If itís clearly the other personís fault (I mean, it might even be clear to others), I still start questioning everything about myself and the part I may have played. I shouldnít have said things that way, I pick my friends badly, if he doesnít like me itís because Iím not worth much, blah blah blah. I may be exaggerating slightly here, but only slightly. It is definitely sometimes I need to work on.

    I should add that generally my relationships with others seem to run quite smoothly. So part of it may be the shock on the relatively rare occasions when things donít go well. But that doesnít really explain itÖ Maybe I also take too much of my self-worth from generally having good relationships with others!

    Is this very much an NF thing, or am I just a bit messed up?
    Me too, me too !!!! I feel exactly the same. I actually feel it right now. I will give you a big virtual hug because you must feel awful.

    I don't know if there is any sense in the impression I have, but being 1% of the population (INFJ), we have spent our lives being misunderstood. I know I ended up believing deep down that I am a defective human being.

  7. #27
    Senior Member Yloh's Avatar
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    I can suffer from this as well. I had let it get to the point of me having a bad self esteem.

    I've learned to get over this by telling myself that I have nothing to prove to others, I can't make everybody happy, and just be myself.

    When I get down like this it helps to be around a positive environment. It is amazing how much this helps me.

  8. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Iíve been told a few times now by mature people, whose insight I respect, that I must not let my self-worth/self-esteem be affected by how another person behaves or feels towards me. This has always followed on the heels of a conversation about a friend being angry with me, a breakup, someone who Iíve made friendship efforts with not giving me the time of dayÖetc.

    A few people seem to have picked up on this from me, and from self-examination I am getting the impression it is a problem for me, too. When people treat me unkindly, or if I fall out with a friend, or if a guy I like doesnít like me, etc, it just seems to flatten me out of all measure. Besides having physical symptoms like nausea and exhaustion, I start questioning everything about myself. If there is blame on both sides, I blow my side of it out of all proportion. If itís clearly the other personís fault (I mean, it might even be clear to others), I still start questioning everything about myself and the part I may have played. I shouldnít have said things that way, I pick my friends badly, if he doesnít like me itís because Iím not worth much, blah blah blah. I may be exaggerating slightly here, but only slightly. It is definitely sometimes I need to work on.

    I should add that generally my relationships with others seem to run quite smoothly. So part of it may be the shock on the relatively rare occasions when things donít go well. But that doesnít really explain itÖ Maybe I also take too much of my self-worth from generally having good relationships with others!

    Is this very much an NF thing, or am I just a bit messed up?
    You wanna know what?

    I used to do this too.

    I think this problem usually works itself out as you gain confidence in who you are, and stopping looking to external sources to define you.

  9. #29
    @.~*virinańČo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DiscoBiscuit View Post
    ...I think this problem usually works itself out as you gain confidence in who you are, and stopping looking to external sources to define you.
    That's definitely the gist of it.

    More a matter of teaching people how to gain confidence in who they are and not using external standards to judge oneself, though.

    People don't know exactly how to do that, it seems.

    (It took me years to figure it out.)
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    ‚ÄúPleasure to me is wonder‚ÄĒthe unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.‚ÄĚ ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  10. #30
    Aspiring Troens Ridder KLessard's Avatar
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    I read this article today:

    Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder | Psych Central

    I certainly start to have a lot of the Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms when a meaningful relationship with someone I care about seems to have gone wrong.
    It kind of makes me feel that being INFJ is a disease, though.

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