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  1. #11
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I don't think that being easily hurt necessarily indicates low self-esteem. For me, I find I am much more resilient about most things than other types around me. It's just those few things that have a ridiculously strong effect.

  2. #12
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I don't think that being easily hurt necessarily indicates low self-esteem. For me, I find I am much more resilient about most things than other types around me. It's just those few things that have a ridiculously strong effect.

    Yes, I agree. Also, internalizing things can be a problem. If something does fall into that category of really hurting me, it's like I take it right into me and I feel the stress right through my body...and I don't really have an outlet...I wish I could just :steam: and then feel much better. Unfortunately, the times when I have been upset about something and have :steam: it's been directed at someone and has resulted in potential damage to the relationship and then I feel horrible the next day...worse than before
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  3. #13
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    ...Is this very much an NF thing, or am I just a bit messed up?
    Quote Originally Posted by Tikka View Post
    It's an NF thing. I recognise a lot about that. We just derive a lot of our own happiness from our surroundings. Conversely, if the surroundings are not happy, we project that on ourselves.
    I would say that NFs are far more susceptible to it, but I would not say it is an "NF" thing.

    The same feelings can also be exacerbated by environmental pressures esp in childhood that set a foundation for feeling that one's worth is based on acceptance by people in authority or other loved ones.

    I think T helps give a natural buffer -- it detaches you from other people's opinions in general -- but it doesn't mean you're immune. I think P's are more susceptible in that they flex constantly to their environment, hence they might automatically try to accommodate other people's responses. And then there are particular type combo's (SFJ) who might naturally develop self-worth from their ability to meet a certain external standard (Fe-based) etc. Cultures with intense and rigid moral leanings also contribute (for example, fundamentalist religions) to those feelings of negative self-worth. I'm not even convinced that TJs are immune to this, I just think their natural bent is to plow forward and dismiss emotions and not overthink them... and so while they look fine outwardly it doesn't mean they're still not dealing with feelings of inadequacy and other people's opinions on SOME level.

    I've found myself frustrated for years because intellectually I have been able to look at those feelings of "being in thrall to someone else's view of me" and think they were irrational and even stupid and thinking I should just be able to get over it and not let it bug me, but it took me a few years of intense life changes (where basically I plunged forward and lived according to what I perceived regardless of feelings), where I triggered all those negative shame-causing mirrors of myself and then had to deal with any imposed shame, before I could say I had "gotten over it"... and I still have been pretty scarred by them, I still had to deal with it on some level even if in general I just shrug it off now.
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  4. #14
    Rubber Nipple Salesperson ladypinkington's Avatar
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    I relate sooo much. I think for me it is because I have no idea what the reality is- there are so many possibilities- what if this person's perception is more correct though it is negative? How do I know my friends are right to like and love me? Who is right?

    What if there are things I need to work and examine- how can I reach optimum human being capacity- it isn't enough to be human I desire to be all that I can be- what if this negative information is needed and valid. I must examine everything to death,lol.

    Everything is valid and there are so many possibilities and such a high self imposed standard- and so many perceptions to evaluate and consider and oh yeah- what the hell is the reality!
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  5. #15
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    I've always been regarded as a pretty sensible and charismatic (and modest I might add) guy, who never avoided confrontation and was always very honest about his opinion of other people so, in the past, when people I cared about weren't completely entranced by my personality I took it harshly and started to analyze myself what I was doing wrong.

    True is, you can't let people who love you have that kind of power over you. You gotta do your own thing and hope for the best. Do what you feel is right and share the consequences with other people...don't burden yourself with all of it. Incompatibility between any two people in any kind of relationship, isn't a sign that one of the parties is fucked up in the head....it's a sign those two people don't go particularly well together.

    Obviously, there are always episodes where one could handle things differently, so it's pretty simple actually. Define yourself as a person and what you stand for and stick to that. And hope for the best.

  6. #16
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I should add that generally my relationships with others seem to run quite smoothly. So part of it may be the shock on the relatively rare occasions when things dont go well. But that doesnt really explain it Maybe I also take too much of my self-worth from generally having good relationships with others!

    Is this very much an NF thing, or am I just a bit messed up?
    It can be something of an NF thing. I can relate. Part of it for me is that I put a bit of energy into trying to understand other people, to take into account the big picture of everyone's perspectives and needs, and to create balance. When someone is unexpectedly angry at me, it is disorienting because it shows that my original understanding was not accurate. I think because Ni draws core concepts from the biggest possible picture, to have that core concept be proven wrong can throw everything into question. In some ways it is the most efficient, and in others the most inefficient, approach to thinking.
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  7. #17
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    When someone is unexpectedly angry at me, it is disorienting because it shows that my original understanding was not accurate. I think because Ni draws core concepts from the biggest possible picture, to have that core concept be proven wrong can throw everything into question.

    The way you have put this is very interesting. I can relate because it can take me a long, long time to "rejig" (if you will) that core understanding if someone hurts me, is angry with me, etc. I have found that it can take me months or even years, I can still be trying to sort things out in my head and heart and see where they fit, if it is major enough it can be like trying to adjust to a whole new worldview. Emotionally it feels quite unhealthy, I end up rehashing stuff ad infinitum. I wish there was a short cut. If there is, I have not found it yet.
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  8. #18
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sytpg View Post

    True is, you can't let people who love you have that kind of power over you. You gotta do your own thing and hope for the best. Do what you feel is right and share the consequences with other people...don't burden yourself with all of it. Incompatibility between any two people in any kind of relationship, isn't a sign that one of the parties is fucked up in the head....it's a sign those two people don't go particularly well together.

    Obviously, there are always episodes where one could handle things differently, so it's pretty simple actually. Define yourself as a person and what you stand for and stick to that. And hope for the best.
    Thanks, a lot of truth in what you said there, succintly put
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  9. #19
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I'm not even convinced that TJs are immune to this, I just think their natural bent is to plow forward and dismiss emotions and not overthink them... and so while they look fine outwardly it doesn't mean they're still not dealing with feelings of inadequacy and other people's opinions on SOME level.
    The other thing is that when anyone is stressed they tend to stick with the basics of what they know, which for TJs happens to be steamrolling past stuff with the Te function.

    IME Ni means I pick up vibes really well (though I wouldn't argue I always know what the vibes are, it's like the Jurassic Park scene where the water glass is rippling from the booming of the dinosaurs on their way, NTJ always know stuff is happening, even if they don't get the motives like an NF might) and when that happens I become more of a seemingly unfazed stoic around others, but I also spend more time alone processing through my thoughts.
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
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  10. #20
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    This is why I don't let anyone in; I have enough to deal with when I actually screw up.
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