[INFP] INFPs idealising partners

[cooliogirly1000]

Do INFPs idealise their partners? At first in the initial phase of the relationship, our other half may not fit into our 'perfect' picture. However, do you find that when you do fall for that person, in your eyes, they either become something so magnificent when they are actually not or you push them in order to become your ideal partner.

Do you feel like you are living in a bubble most of the time when you are in a deep relationship, and although you notice the flaws of the other person, you either choose to bury it in or try to fix it? These flaws may not even be that big, or realisticaly acceptable in a normal circumstances, but you just want it perfect or ideal...and you wonder to yourself, am I settling for less? As an INFP I just dont seem to trust my thoughts or feelings. I find when the relationship is over only then can I think clearly and either realise they were not for me or that I messed up and should have appreciated what I had and not pushed for my idealistic relationship.

 

[Gothmawg]

Do INFPs idealise their partners? At first in the initial phase of the relationship, our other half may not fit into our 'perfect' picture. However, do you find that when you do fall for that person, in your eyes, they either become something so magnificent when they are actually not or you push them in order to become your ideal partner.

Do you feel like you are living in a bubble most of the time when you are in a deep relationship, and although you notice the flaws of the other person, you either choose to bury it in or try to fix it? These flaws may not even be that big, or realisticaly acceptable in a normal circumstances, but you just want it perfect or ideal...and you wonder to yourself, am I settling for less? As an INFP I just dont seem to trust my thoughts or feelings. I find when the relationship is over only then can I think clearly and either realise they were not for me or that I messed up and should have appreciated what I had and not pushed for my idealistic relationship.

It is definitely an easy trap that INFP can fall into. The desire to feel needed, useful and appreciated is a strong one and can change and color the way we feel from moment to moment. It also allows us to easily ignore things we would not be ignoring if we didn't connect with people so easily.

After that initial period, if the flaws are not total deal killers, a period of time goes by where the INFP adjusts to the other person (within their comfort zone) and anything left over are things that need to be 'fixed'. This can appear in many ways, such as manipulation, knowledge sharing, instruction, etc. depending on the stability and maturity of the INFP.

The hardest lesson that INFP can learn is that people are who they are and you should NEVER assume that you are the exception to the rule, because odds are greatly stacked against this ever happening to you. The best thing to work on for us is developing patience. Patience will help in so many facets of life but especially in maintaining relationships with other people.

 

[Virtual ghost]

I don't want to be mean but aren't INFPs idealising most things ?

 

[Gothmawg]

I don't want to be mean but aren't INFPs idealising most things ?

That's what makes us 'special'. We are idealists and romantics! The world should be perfect and we are going to help make it that way.

 

[kiddykat]

Hi CoolioGirly,

Have you thought of it this way? "If I'm going to invest my emotions into this relationship/into this person, who do I want to dedicate my time to?"

Really get to know what you want in a relationship. Everyone's needs/wants are different. It's okay for you to want what you want, because what you want/need, rings true to who you are at heart.

I think that for those who do tend to idealize their relationships, it's sometimes what infatuation does to us, when we're starting out fresh.. The thought of starting out anew with someone is thrilling/exhilarating..

BUT- I think that somewhat detatching ourselves from the situation, and looking at it as a 3rd person looking in, makes it easier to really assess whether or not, we're realistically seeing the relationship for what it is.

It's about taking risks- yes, but to what degree? I think if we're more true to what we need/who we are, it saves TONs of time/heart-ache b4 the emotional investment is too far..

And, what I know is true is, the more we get into relationships with others, it's as though we give a piece of our hearts away, so whoever we give it away to, make sure that it's someone we trust and see for what they truly are so that we're being honest to them & to ourselves..

Life is about learning.. take every experience as something supplemental to your journey. Every time you fall, pick yourself up, and learn from it.. each experience adds richness/depth to our lives/shades our reality. *hugs*

 

[KLessard]

I don't want to be mean but aren't INFPs idealising most things ?

When I was a kid, I remember buying a bookmark that had this inscription with the picture of a little girl on it:

"When you love, you don't only love what is, but what could be."
This saying is very meaningful to us, I think.

Idealists love to see people as diamonds in the rough.

 

[Scott N Denver]

Do INFPs idealise their partners? At first in the initial phase of the relationship, our other half may not fit into our 'perfect' picture. However, do you find that when you do fall for that person, in your eyes, they either become something so magnificent when they are actually not or you push them in order to become your ideal partner.

Do you feel like you are living in a bubble most of the time when you are in a deep relationship, and although you notice the flaws of the other person, you either choose to bury it in or try to fix it? These flaws may not even be that big, or realisticaly acceptable in a normal circumstances, but you just want it perfect or ideal...and you wonder to yourself, am I settling for less? As an INFP I just dont seem to trust my thoughts or feelings. I find when the relationship is over only then can I think clearly and either realise they were not for me or that I messed up and should have appreciated what I had and not pushed for my idealistic relationship.

I believe that quite possibly every single book I've read on MBTI has pointed out that INFP's idealize relationships/partners. So yes, VERY much so, at least potentially .

 

[JustHer]

I am wondering about this too.

I have an INFP best friend who describes her boyfriend as this strongly emotional private sensitive introverted guy. Then I talk to him and he scores ENTJ on the MBTI test and cracks dead baby jokes with me.

I'm not sure whether he actually DOES act differently around her because of the love thing, or whether she is just really idealizing him.

 

[WoodsWoman]

My experience was that in a committed relationship I idealized my mate 'warts and all'. I regularly told he he was wonderful (he was an ENTJ) and he'd get very uncomfortable - then I'd say, "You're married me - therefore you are wonderful."

 

[FaithBW]

I idealize my husband a lot. That's probably part of what keeps me with him. I'm learning to not idealize him and to accept him for who he is since I think this will make for a much stronger relationship in the long haul but I admit it is hard. I have to accept that we both have qualities that we don't like that but that we love each other sometimes in spite of and sometimes because of those qualities.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I don't want to be mean but aren't INFPs idealising most things ?

We idealize, but then the reality can end up even more disappointing. Idealizing your significant other only goes so far - when the bubble bursts (and it inevitably will), there must be a solid foundation based on real emotional connection and respect to maintain the INFP's affection.

I haven't had a long term relationship (probably something to do with idealism ), but I notice that even with friendships, my idealism can go in waves. Just because the bubble bursts eventually doesn't mean it never sort of "re-forms" again, or that you cannot get past the reality of their imperfections.

 

[PeaceBaby]

You may get to a point in your life where you realize your placement of others on the pedestal of idealism is only a reflection of your desire for internal perfection. With this awareness, you become able to discern the difference between expecting others to be perfect and expecting yourself to be. From this "place" you can help free others from the confines of your fictional desires and help free yourself from the burden of an illogical construct. You become much more capable of seeing others with a clarity that values them as they are, and not as you wish they (ergo you) "could" be.

Idealism is a wonderful mirror when you realize that what you seek to find is really what you seek to become.

Let it lead you to freedom. Real freedom to value both yourself and others.

 

[PotatoPeeler68]

I think we INFPs do tend to be idealistic, but this is not harmful if used in moderation.
I think that we should never push our partners to be something else. I would just focus on the good qualities they have currently because
sometimes they may just be the best for you.

 

[Virtual ghost]

I don't want to be mean but aren't INFPs idealising most things ?

LOL.
Even 7 years after I had exactly same first thought when I saw the thread.