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  1. #1
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    Default Is this way of fighting in a relationship more INFP-like or ISFP-like?

    when we're fighting about anything, my bf usually gets reeeeally quiet. especially when he is attacked or reproached. he tries to defend himself, but if that doesn't convince me he gets quiet. usually he get the quieter the more dramatic the fight gets.... until he says nothing for a long time. it seems to me that he doesn't want to solve the problem at hand at all. his face turns completely blank, or rather he seems to fix his gaze on something I don't know inwards or outwards. he doesn't make an effort to comfort. somehow I feel that he is really concerned about what's going on, in no way does he seem indifferent or something like that, but he just doesn't express it. But, on the other hand...when he doesnt say something I shut up as well after a while and don't want to make a move...
    I was wondering if you'd think that this is rather typcial of INFPs or ISFPs. I don't know, but I'm completely different, and I find myself to be INFP or INFX. or maybe only an I-thing, or maybe nothing at all.
    Sorry for this relationship chitchat, that wa not what I intended.

  2. #2
    brainheart
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    I can get like that. I don't know if what you say is enough information for me to try and type him, I mean beyond the Fi.

    I do know that if I feel attacked I can clam up. Not being focused on comforting or sharing is called introverted feeling. He's probably trying to deal with it himself, inside, versus trying to take care of you. Does he talk about it later, because I think those of us with Fi take a little longer to share our feelings with the world; I know if I've been in an argument it may be hours later, everything may seem to be fine, and I will seemingly out of nowhere make another point or defend myself or make a concession, whatever.

    The way you put it- and the fact that you don't understand this about him- makes me think you are INFJ, not INFP, just so you know.

  3. #3
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    Sounds like he doesn't feel safe discussing stuff with you. How can the fighting get dramatic if he isn't even talking? Are you very emotional during fights? Maybe try to knock it down a notch on your end and see what happens.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by brainheart View Post
    I can get like that. I don't know if what you say is enough information for me to try and type him, I mean beyond the Fi.

    I do know that if I feel attacked I can clam up. Not being focused on comforting or sharing is called introverted feeling. He's probably trying to deal with it himself, inside, versus trying to take care of you. Does he talk about it later, because I think those of us with Fi take a little longer to share our feelings with the world; I know if I've been in an argument it may be hours later, everything may seem to be fine, and I will seemingly out of nowhere make another point or defend myself or make a concession, whatever.

    The way you put it- and the fact that you don't understand this about him- makes me think you are INFJ, not INFP, just so you know.
    Yes, he sometimes talks about it later, also like you mentioned hours or days later, or even in another situation which backs up his argument (can be things other people say, in movies, etc.)..... that's when I see that he actually has been hurt and is still trying to defend himself. I know that my description does not make me sound very nice :/..... and thanks for your comment concerning me being an INFJ ...... maybe that explains why I get so angy when he falls silent.....

  5. #5
    Vaguely Precise Seymour's Avatar
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    I get that way in intense arguments or discussions. Often I'm so busy processing the intense emotions inside that I'm too overwhelmed to deal with what's going on outside. I tend to be more that way if everything I say is immediately refuted or just leads to more emotional escalation.

    I think it's perfectly healthy to call for a timeout so one can go for a walk and process things a bit, although it's important to explain where you are going, and that you will be back and just need a little thinking time. Often I do better processing things offline, and may accept unpleasant things that I may have denied in the moment.

    When you are discussing things, you may want to more formally take turns speaking, and have a no-interruptions rule while the other person is talking. Make sure he knows that you do want to work things out and you do need to talk about them. Try to talk about what he did that bothered you and how you felt about it, rather than attacking him or his motives. Often maintaining physical contact (like holding hands) while discussing things can keep things from escalating into attacks. If he does need a timeout, you can agree to a time when you will speak about the issue again so it does get resolved eventually.

    Dealing with truly fraught subjects is tough, and different people handle arguments in different ways. All couples are going to argue, though, and figuring out how to work through disagreement is pretty essential for a long term relationship.

    If you feel like a good argumentative screaming match, an INFP (if he is an INFP) is unlikely to meet that need. When they do blow up, it isn't pretty and all the finely tuned Fi helps them know how to go for the throat.

  6. #6
    Intriguing.... Quinlan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Seymour View Post
    If you feel like a good argumentative screaming match, an INFP (if he is an INFP) is unlikely to meet that need. When they do blow up, it isn't pretty and all the finely tuned Fi helps them know how to go for the throat.
    Lol, this ^ for ISFP too.
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  7. #7
    Senor Membrane
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halfjillhalfjack View Post
    when we're fighting about anything, my bf usually gets reeeeally quiet. especially when he is attacked or reproached. he tries to defend himself, but if that doesn't convince me he gets quiet. usually he get the quieter the more dramatic the fight gets.... until he says nothing for a long time.
    I get like that when I feel that it's not going nowhere.

    But before that, it's more like I need to pause to think what you are saying, what are the best words to use to not make things more messed up, stuff like that. I really can't keep up with people just yelling at me, it seems like they just want to hurt me or to shove their point down my throat with no regard to my opinions.

  8. #8
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
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    I get that way, when I'm simmering. I'm trying keep a lid on it, but I'm freakin' furious. I also clam up when I think there is no point in saying anything, because the other party just isn't listening, and they are trying to bulldoze me.
    Be careful, OP, it isn't a good sign (at least when applied to me), 'cos it will just sit on the back of his mind, and then one argument too many, you will have no relationship. There may be quite a lot of resentment building up. Especially if he feels you aren't listening.
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  9. #9
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    For me it depends on the dynamics of the relationship..
    With some it was as simple as.. I feel this..ok, sorry, hug and that's the end of it..

    Others I could be very much the chaser
    Yet in others I could be the one who withdraws and goes all quiet..

    How do you handle conflict?? That will determine how I handle conflict

  10. #10
    Senior Member compulsiverambler's Avatar
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    This is definitely not me. If someone attacks me unfairly I will go on for hours if that's as long as it takes to get my points across. It's probably more to do with my life experiences and difficulty reducing negative emotions quickly than to do with being an INFP though. Being misunderstood in various ways, some seemingly harmless at the time, has had an extremely destructive influence on my life so far, so I'm more conscious of the potential for misunderstandings and unfinished business to cause massive problems down the line that may not be immediately obvious.

    All it takes is my sister to criticise me over something domestic and I envision her spreading that perception and slowly turning my whole family against me until I'm eventually living on the streets, so I feel I HAVE to fight back and convince them otherwise or terrible things may happen. And to some extent I don't think that's just paranoia. If you let even minor unfair negative perceptions go they may accumulate over time, producing a broadly negative view that will then inform every interpretation that person has of your actions, including in more serious matters, until they even hate you. I think it probably happens all the time to people who don't bother to defend their reputation. Sometimes it will make no difference, but other times people's beliefs and feelings about you may have serious consequences. Try telling the people on death row that what others think of you doesn't matter.

    So, yeah, I don't know how related to type this is. Styles of response to conflict probably have more to do with life experience and upbringing.

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