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  1. #111
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    One thing I was just thinking about. My INFP friend doesn't seem to need interactions with someone to solve a problem as long as she has resolved it within herself. I, on the other hand, need the closure/input from the other person involved to feel that things are resolved. Maybe the significant factor is that Fe looks to others to find the answer and Fi looks to find the answer within itself.

    This is why INFJs feel the need to try to help along those close to them that are in distress and is why they find it painful to see them floundering and seemingly doing nothing. It's because they feel there is an external solution and they also believe that talking about it will help the answer take shape. To an INFP this is pushy and ineffectual because no one can see inside them or truly understand their unique person/situation and therefore no one except themselves can really offer the answer.

    On the other hand, INFPs tend to leave a person to their own devices and assume that they need to find the answer within themselves for it to really be solved. To an INFJ, this seems like indifference or a lack of care. They feel abandoned. Their thought process needs to be stimulated to some extent by discussing it with others. That's when their own thoughts and feelings take a tangible form that they can actually touch and grab onto. (Without that, they can see those thoughts or feelings, but they are fuzzy and they can't grab hold of them).

    I'm not sure if this is expressed very clearly, or if it is something that others can identify with, but I think it may be the cause of some of the misunderstandings I feel with INFPs. They have a hard time seeing why I can't just let something go that's bothering me if I know what the probable reason is and I can't do anything about it to fix it. They find it much easier to let go, as long as it's found resolution within themselves. For me though, I need that last bit of interaction to really lay the whole thing to rest and realize that nothing can be done to fix what's wrong.
    Hi all, new here. Reading around to try to better communicate with an INFJ friend of mine. This post is very clear to me and offers some good hope. It really examplifies our specific difficulty. In situations where one or other of us is insecure, we find that our emotional tokens have no value on the receiving end, as it were. This illustration above offers me an explanation why. Thanks for posting it!

    Most recently, my friend was hinting that he wanted some affirmation. I was running scared of getting mired in miscommunication, so decided simply to leave the problem for him to sort out since it was, in my perception, entirely generated by him. A week or so later we saw each other and he presented me with a "peace offering" (his words). Of course, to my INFPness this was received as "I have done some internal processing and we're cool." Having read this thread, I now think really it was more a "We need to establish whether we are going to act as friends or enemies this evening, and I have selected friends."

    Therefore it was a surprise to me when, a couple days later, my friend brought up the issue over which we had tension. But it's all good since it's brought me here! After spending an hour trying to translate my feelings in P-language into J-language, I've sent an email that I hope will connect.

  2. #112
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I'm glad if that's helpful!

    For me, I also find that conversation/interaction stimulates a thought process (which may be negative or positive). It's like there's a delayed reaction to most interactions I have with people. That can be frustrating to a person when they see seemingly unconnected behaviour with the present interaction (either warmer or cooler). In the INFJs person's mind though, it is just the natural response to the last interaction and seems perfectly normal.

    During the intervening time, I have usually generated several possibilities for why the person has acted as they did. I need further conversation or interaction to know if I am correct or out to lunch. It either requires further thought then, or if my thoughts were correct, it can be put to rest completely and I will have decided on a course of action.

    Unfortunately, this seems to the other person like I am being nitpicky, oversensitive, or holding onto things for far too long that they figure I should be able to get over sooner. I find this especially annoys T types, followed by INFPs.

    This need for reflection also is a good reason why it is not wise to rush INFJs on coming to a conclusion/decision/resolution before they have all the loose ends tied up. Otherwise it will continue getting revisited until they are satisfied. That really blindsides the other party involved because they thought they had gotten everything straightened out and decided. It usually results in a bad reaction from the other party which makes the INFJ feel rejected/angry/hurt and sparks another spate of action/reaction/thought.

  3. #113
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    Heh it's great to hear all this, fidelia. I just hope it applies in my/my friend's case!

    Yu say

    During the intervening time, I have usually generated several possibilities for why the person has acted as they did. I need further conversation or interaction to know if I am correct or out to lunch. It either requires further thought then, or if my thoughts were correct, it can be put to rest completely and I will have decided on a course of action.
    This particulary chimes with me. You even sounded like my friend in my head as I read it! As an INFP my creed is "there are no final answers" so I generate a bunch of possibilities like you, but then I am content to leave them all floating around in my head. I don't need to select one before "moving forward". Time and my future experiences will show which of the models is most suitable. I can see now why that would drive my INFJ friend nuts.

  4. #114
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    It's sort of like having a drawer full of assorted junk that it is time to deal with. Some of the items are easy to decide where they belong - garbage, bathroom cabinet, sock drawer etc. Others though require other people to help with making that decision. Sometimes you just want to get done with the job rather than have a bunch of miscellaneous items floating around waiting...to an INFJ, the other philosophy is sort of like saying, "Well, I'll save all of these things and maybe one day, the use for them will become apparent", despite having limited space in which to store them.

  5. #115
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    It's sort of like having a drawer full of assorted junk that it is time to deal with. Some of the items are easy to decide where they belong - garbage, bathroom cabinet, sock drawer etc. Others though require other people to help with making that decision. Sometimes you just want to get done with the job rather than have a bunch of miscellaneous items floating around waiting...to an INFJ, the other philosophy is sort of like saying, "Well, I'll save all of these things and maybe one day, the use for them will become apparent", despite having limited space in which to store them.
    Thanks, that's made it clear to me.

  6. #116
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    Great thread. I just got done reading the whole thing. Personally, I love both INFJ's and INFP's. I wish I could understand you INFP's better, though. I have matured to the point that I no longer give unsolicited advice or try to fix people (I have faith that if you love people they will fix themselves), but I still feel like I give off that vibe to INFP's like I am looking over their shoulder.. watching for any mistakes. It's not that I am doing that... I enjoy your wacky world. In my dreams your dreams come true. But somehow there is a feeling that comes from the INFP like they are afraid of me suffocating them. And then when they don't follow through I feel rejected.

    I like the way you INFP's think and I can even get down with the whole coming and going as you please because I can be a flake, too, and recognize that a relationship should simply feel good. Asking an INFP to fulfill certain needs I have would be like asking for a co-dependent relationship. What attracts me to INFP is the possibility of the two of us being together yet independent. But it makes it hard when I don't know where I stand with you. If I know you care for me and want me in your life then I am more than willing to give you your space... but when I am not sure of your feelings for me because you vanish then reappear it makes me feel insecure. If you would only say, "hey, this is how I am feeling today but I care for you and will call or text when I am feeling in the mood." I would be fine. I wouldn't be left feeling like I did some awful thing to make you hate me. While I understand how you feel intuitively (trust me I could feel those vibes even if you were on the moon) I cannot understand logically unless you tell me verbally. How do any of you ever get married and have children..? What I mean is do you ever pursue a person you care for? Or are you willing let love go if that person doesn't pursue you? Or does INFP just not give a shit about me. Or maybe, just maybe.. I am not seeing things the way you see them....

    What would be the best way to reach an INFP who has left you alone to sort things out? Should I be open and honest about my feelings without making demands or judging? Because really all I want to know is that you care and will be my friend. I don't even want to bring up the old situation. But I feel like your Fi comes across as controlling situations by just getting up and leaving and any request I make to affirm my feelings is taken as an attempt to suffocate you. So you let me down just so my expectations don't get too high. Well, at that point the relationship breaks down, too, because it is impossible to have trust with someone who won't communicate with you.

    As an INFP, would you be willing to mature enough to meet us INFJ's half way? I love INFP's... I find your shyness, humor, and souls to be very comforting. I feel like a little child when I am with an INFP but it hurts to be treated like a pariah whenever I have a need that falls outside of your comfort zone. the only people I feel I can truly open up to and be vulnerable with are INFP's. I love that about you. I can show you my boo-boo's and you make me feel protected and cared for and then we go roll around in the sand box on the playground. But as soon as I tell you I really need you at my birthday party you run and hide and act as if you are mad at me. So I slam the door in defense and feel like an awful person for doing so.

  7. #117
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    I just want to add that I have noticed that INFP tend to voice their faults at the beginning of a relationship. Perhaps I just don't listen. Looking back I can think of many INFP's I know saying, "oh I am no fun." or "I just don't like talking on the phone." I guess us J types have to learn to take that at face value and avoid thinking that somehow the INFP will behave differently for us. Because honestly I can see where INFP feel like, "what the hell, if you really cared for me then you wouldn't constantly be trying to make me prove my affection for you by going outside my comfort zone!" Honestly, if someone was always doing that to me I wouldn't want to hang out with them either.

  8. #118
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Yeah, that's true. Somehow because I don't share that kind of thing early on, I tend to assume that they are just being overly hard on themselves, rather than that they are presenting useful information that I need to be aware of.

  9. #119
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    I agree fidelia.. It's funny, because as an INFJ we really want someone we can share our inner selves with but if we wait until too late the chance may pass us by. Sometimes we just have to take a chance and not wait for things to be perfect... we have to learn to be open to possibilities that don't fit into our linear models.

    And the fact is that they ARE too hard on themselves. Something else he told me was that he could be a jerk at times. Well that put me on guard... thinking, "oh at any minute he is going to be a jerk." So when he did something I perceived as jerky I called him a jerk and then he vanishes... thinking to himself.. "see, I really am a jerk. All these horrible things I think about myself are true." When it's possible he didn't even mean it in a jerky way. I think where all people go wrong (present company included) is having the expectation that other people think and feel the way we do. It is especially difficult as an INFJ because we are so in tune with the emotions of others. But being an empath is not the same as reading minds. I can feel your feelings but not hear your thoughts.
    Last edited by Serafina; 02-22-2011 at 03:06 PM.

  10. #120
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    INFJ's can be blunt and INFP's can get their feelings hurt easily. Sometimes that's a difficult combo.

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