[INFJ] INFJs - anger and upset?

[iwakar]

I do that too, I have this uncanny ability to sound confident when I'm not. And this has caused me problems when I'm struggling and still present a confidence about me people think everything is okay which it isn't. I can relate to what is talked about so easily. The cold and silent routine is introversion but then I'm infp, I've looked into it to death to know that I can't be infj. Still I do get angry in similar ways, its just passive aggressive. I'd like to know what the difference is between infj and infp anger and upset.

In my experience, when it comes to explicit anger regarding people that have managed to hurt us, INFJs and INFPs can behave remarkably similar. If forced to the brink of righteous injury for whatever purposes, both types have the ability to force a forked sentence or monologue into someone and pluck out their still-beating heart with the accuracy of a samurai.

Savage I know, but a rare occurrence. Both parties almost always end up in appalled silence at what just transpired.

 

[Apollanaut]

Check out the related thread on INJs and extraverted sensing:

http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/nf-idyllic/8214-injs-extroverted-sensing.html

It's the manifestation of the "adversarial attitude to the outside world" aspect of our inferior Se, which can cause uncharacteristic eruptions of anger in INFJs. I also relate to the "four stages of INFJ anger" discussed here - it is something of a relief to hear that fellow INFJs behave in this way!

 

[Martian Manifesto]

Stage One: It is very strange but I get this feeling, not that I am getting angry but more that "something is happening to me". I notice a pronounced "confusion". I have been told I get withdrawan and my eyes are saying "What are you doing" or "What does this mean?" or "What did you just say". The weird thing is, my shadow is not confused. I can feel it coming but I (ego) actually don't seem to want to process it. Those who know me well pay very close attention for any signs that I am doing this.

Stage Two: When I give my "questioning" eyes and not getting soothed, or whatever made me made enough to push through it...I will then (or right away) say one of the previosly mentioned questions. This is done with more emotion than I had planned. Even people who don't know me but aren't stupid know that something has "changed" in the room. Normally if I get soothed here, my Fe kicks in and I try to make everything better after I "made things a little weird". Yes, it is good to have friends who are accepting of this. Also, if my efforts to soothe the situation after I have been soothed fail, I will of course self-flagulate myself when I get alone. If I don't get the answer I (or my shadow) wants, then I will enter into "charged debate mode". I either overwhelm them (this is assuming of course that I hadn't been soothed) or we go to....

Stage Three: It's weird, my stages flip flop from cold to hot. This is higher cold one. It needs to be bad for me to get like this. I have to feel upset enough that when my shadow says "Let me handle this", I don't say "go back inside" like I normally do. Instead I say "hold that thought". Again, if it gets this far I ask one of those same questions. It can be the first time I've asked or the second, but either way my voice will be extremely robotic. I notice a profound disassociation from my body. I also notice (this is why I'm robotic) that my mouth wants to lock. It takes effort to "push' my words through. My energy has shifted, without my consent, from my mouth and mind to my hands and body. I have been told that I "sway" slighty and that it is hypnotic and creepy, like a snake ready to strike. I also have a habit in this stage of no longer looking people in their eyes. I look at their chest or off to the side, as if the slightest excess of stimulus to me could be what clicks the trigger. Any words that do come out are robotic. Either staccato or super-enunciated.Even completely obtuse peole back up when they see this. Unfortunately, I do not tend to self-flagulate myself if this happens. I am beyond caring. Also my memory of these times is usually foggy and charged so I do not like to think of it. IF I do self-flagulate after having gone this far it is mucho bad.

Stage Four: This switches back to hot again. The energy summoned at this stage is not human. If it gets past that I will always "tip" one way or the other. My entire world becomes black and white. Everything rests on this outcome. I either go into run/hide/block/disappear mode OR I go into Ghengis Khan mode and marshal every resource at my disposal..all my imagination (with a focus on how to eff the other side up...and man am I good at seeing weaknesses in people that they don't even know they have) and all my powers of manipulation and persuasion become engaged. I always feel like crap after this. And exhausted. I have however, used this level to do some pretty righteous changes in environments that people didn't think change was possible. So it's not all bad Oh, on a side note: The "swaying" is often pronounced here. People have told me that it is difficult to breath in the room when I get this charged. It, in addition to my impassioned rhetoric, also seems to have the ability to super-charge anyone who is siding with me.

 

[Brooke]

In my experience, when it comes to explicit anger regarding people that have managed to hurt us, INFJs and INFPs can behave remarkably similar. If forced to the brink of righteous injury for whatever purposes, both types have the ability to force a forked sentence or monologue into someone and pluck out their still-beating heart with the accuracy of a samurai.

Savage I know, but a rare occurrence. Both parties almost always end up in appalled silence at what just transpired.

Haha. This is totally true. I almost never get into fights with my parents so I do it's always pretty weird for everyone involved. And on the rare occasion that I yell back, my father gets this really bizarre look on his face. His eyes get really wide and he just looks at me like he doesn't understand what's happening. I mean, all jokes aside, he looks SCARED. And then he comes and apologizes a few minutes later regaurdless of whether it was his fault or not. It's so weird when he looks like that. I mean, my father is not easily intimidated... My siblings think it's hilarious when this happens. It's a big joke that they don't want to unleash my justified anger.

 

[mwv6r]

Kyrielle's description fits me rather well too. It's like the "pressure cooker" syndrome... normally we're friendly and easy to get along with, but anger and frustration builds up until we lash out... suddenly.

That makes me wonder... Are INFJs typically more prone to volatile emotions? And to avoid exploding, we build walls around ourselves to keep things under control?

Interesting theory, I think you may be onto something. I definitely suffer from the pressure cooker syndrome, had a little episode earlier today in fact. I really hate when my anger gets the better of me, although I've noticed that if I try to avoid my anger and stuff it down without dealing with it, it usually comes back three-fold later on. So now I try to address issues as they arise when they're small rather than trying to play saint and ignore my hurt feelings and then finally exploding.

I read once that when introverts are angry in an argument we should try extroverting, i.e., talking out our thoughts and feelings spur of the moment rather than brooding over them. I find that that helps me a lot, otherwise my bottled up anger definitely turns into a pressure cooker.

 

[Scarfism]

1. I stay quiet and and cool. This is if it is related to a situation. If it is a person, I also stay quiet and cool, however, going forward, dealing with me will be like trying to cross the border after you have previously been caught smuggling.

or

2. I completely go nuts. Yelling, door slamming, object throwing, floor stomping. This is usually at home in front of people who already know me and where I don't have a reputation to worry about, and is rare. Well yelling is not as rare.

 

[ladypinkington]

When I get angry- I cry. Very very very seldom have I ever yelled or lashed out.

I cry and run away. I rant and rave to a close friend or here on my blog,lol.
I think about it from every angle- question myself and my rights as a person and search for what is the reality and talk about it- and if I believe that the person who made me angry will listen and actually cares I will talk to them about it, I prefer to write a letter or email though- I am so emotional and tend to just cry more then make coherent sentences. My hubby is the only person I can actually talk to in person when I ever get angry with him as I feel he is the only person who truely sees me and understands me and cares more about me then his ego. I am very calm and shy and quiet as I hate confrontation and I am so dang worried about the other person. Ironically I become more self absorbed and selfish in my feelings if I don't just speak my feelings from the get go and get them out in the open.

When I feel I can't get closure- it haunts me and makes me more and more angry toward the person I can't get closure with- I am not sure how to deal with that better.

I get angriest at myself and at the not having closure- I feel most angriest when I haven't been able to speak my peace and have my thought, feelings, and side acknowledged. When I don't stand up for what I believe or myself.

I am really hoping to work on that and to become a more confrontational person- not to be mean- but to make sure I have had my side presented and stand up. I would rather have the problems of a bold person then that of a coward- because I have had my fill of the problems of a coward.

 

[Mysterious15]

Well for me, the person I am usually angry at I try not to show it. I become quiet and observe the person from afar trying to convince myself that they do notice and are sorry. If they don't then well I become quite short with them, and think of all the bad things that has happened between me and them.
After a few days though I slowly begin to realize that I can't do anything about it and thats who they are, and this is life so I might as well suck it up (this after a lot of crying and guilty feelings mind you)
It does make me feel really sorry for myself, as nobody notices when I am in pain or anything, while I worry a lot if any of them are hurt. There are a lot of factors accounting to it, and I doubt I even am an INFJ sometimes because the personality is too good to be true. After the realization that nobody really cares about me, and even if I tell them I am in pain then they will forget the next five minutes and tell me to go get something (mom), I put on a cool indifferent mask. I try my best to be as slow as possible and feel nothing when people are shouting at me (although later when the feelings are too much I do cry about it alone) but nothing can really reach me, as I don't let anyone become too friendly with me.....There is a major transformation when I am around friends though, so well just saying that when I get into this stage of quiet anger, I am like a rock, expressionless and unmoving. (though in the inside I feel really bad for doing that to everyone) thats all ^^

 

[mochajava]

Toonia: That is primarily the reason for the x at the end of my type. That mindset also makes it difficult to experience anger. Anger requires some certitude and a sense of some personal entitlement being violated.

Wow - a lightbulb just went off. So that's why people with high self-esteem and good confidence are more likely to get angry and express it. I just expressed my anger/disappointment in a friend (long since building up, as you might expect) via e-mail... and, as often happens, she didn't entertain it. I don't know how much of the relationships I lose this way are kind of crappy and worth losing anyway (I mean, is a friend who won't even work through a conflict with you really valuing your friendship?) or a product of this bottled-up anger coming out at once (usually in a fairly diplomatic way, followed by a very cold way).

 

[Arclight]

I turn into what my counselor calls the "wounded villain" The guy hell bent on world domination that people can still sympathize with.
You have seen him comic books, usually some decent guy who the world has dealt a few too many blows, and he loses faith in everything, and can't help himself from lashing out, because somebody has to pay.
I have seen it described as The Cobra INFJ.. Sharp , accurate, fast, painful, and potentially poisonous.
I am both a deadly cobra and have been attacked by a few in my time as well.

 

[Unique]

I find angry and upset INFJs really scary and impossible to deal with

Anything said to them (no matter what it is) seems to make it worse

 

[A window to the soul]

I find angry and upset INFJs really scary and impossible to deal with

Anything said to them (no matter what it is) seems to make it worse

^ No way, not impossible: food, affection, and bribery with gifts seem to do the trick. Less talk. You must cross-line into their space for a hug. That approach works for me when dealing with INFJ family members. <--hug first. be not afraid.

 

[EnaT]

Today, people feel invincible. Have you ever felt what its like to see the reaction of people who believe they are physically immune for your anger, shattered like a window?

 

[Fidelia]

^ No way, not impossible: food, affection, and bribery with gifts seem to do the trick. Less talk. You must cross-line into their space for a hug. That approach works for me when dealing with INFJ family members. <--hug first. be not afraid.

Generally, quite true!

 

[mochajava]

Generally, quite true!

Hold on - are there types with whom this doesn't work? At least the food / affection / bribery with gifts piece?

 

[SilkRoad]

^ No way, not impossible: food, affection, and bribery with gifts seem to do the trick. Less talk. You must cross-line into their space for a hug. That approach works for me when dealing with INFJ family members. <--hug first. be not afraid.

I think this is a fairly good technique, but for myself, if really mad and upset, I can make it difficult. Stonewalling, avoiding, withdrawing, acting awkward, etc etc. I'd really like a combination of hugs, bribery with gifts, sincere apologies and acknowledgements of where you went wrong. (If you acknowledge where you went wrong, I will probably start telling you all about where I went wrong in the situation, too!)

 

[mochajava]

That's true - I get very angry if someone starts showering me w/ gifts and praise without being willing to talk about what went wrong. I think that's at the root of my conflicts with family. For me, a dialog about where did each of us go wrong, what are we disagreeing on, and what do each of us want this relationship to look like is really necessary to make a relationship good again!

If gifts feel like sweeping things under the rug, then I will try to start a dialog, and if that fails then I withdraw. But I think always having the door open for dialog, making it clear that that's what you need, and diplomatically engaging in it no matter what vitriol comes your way are all fair and reasonable ways to deal with conflict.

Is requiring/expecting a dialog a bad thing? It's just communication, which is crucial for any good relationship, right?

 

[SilkRoad]

Requiring/expecting a dialogue shouldn't be a bad thing. Perfectly reasonable and healthy, I'd say.

Which is why it's kind of bad that I can reach a point where I make it extremely difficult for the other person. That said, if I'm stonewalling and avoiding etc, you've probably done something fairly serious (knowingly or unknowingly), or a lot of cumulative serious things, and you've probably already had a few chance to apologise etc. When some of those mistakes have been made and those chances have been missed, you're going to have to climb/knock down a bigger and bigger wall, I'm afraid...

 

[Fidelia]

I think one thing that matters a lot to INFJs from what I can see is that problems are resolved in some way and also that there is some kind of plan in place to address future problems when they come up so the same thing doesn't happen. When I am not able to get that, and don't have access to even more information that would help me put things in better context internally, I get very frustrated. The added fluctuation that my frustration gives makes me withdraw, but since it was someone that I deemed worth getting into conflict with in the first place, then that feels terrible as well because things between us are not okay and because I also want desperately to be understood by them or to have the information I need to be able to lay the problem aside if I'm misunderstanding it. It's a horrible position to be in over the long term.

For smaller misunderstandings, often joking around a bit until I reluctantly acknowledge it or giving me a hug and some petting works great. If there's a reoccurring underlying issue and the person is chronically trying to avoid it this way, then it will only make me more upset. The issue to me is that I find it distressing not to be on good terms with the person in question, I've exhausted my personal resources trying to resolve the problem myself and now I need the other person's information, understanding or assistance in changing the situation. If they are not recognizing how much work I've already put in, or do not deem my distress important, then after awhile it registers more as a rejection of me as a person, rather than just an inconvenient issue that needs to be dealt with. It seems then to me that they don't value our relationship as being significant enough to inconvenience themselves for, they don't recognize their role in what is going wrong, or they feel like I am just being whiny or difficult.

The longer it is left unaddressed (or my attempts to address it are avoided), the bigger the resentment and hurt grows (especially in the absence of anything to quell racing Ni). Mostly I will hang on if it seems like there is even a shred of hope in changing things for the better, but it doesn't always mean that all is well just because I am still there.

 

[tibby]

Something like this:

I try to avoid conflict at first and process things & distance myself a bit to get a clearer picture, but eventually when things pile up and conflict is inevitable, it can be quite explosive from me. I rarely get mad like that, but when I do, I have to try control myself better.