• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[INFJ] INFJs - anger and upset?

wedekit

New member
Joined
Nov 10, 2007
Messages
694
MBTI Type
INFJ
I'm guessing we all eventually end up stewing in our own misery? ;)
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
MBTI Type
eNFJ
Enneagram
4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Misery is much better stewed and much less slimey than, say, okra. :D
 

wedekit

New member
Joined
Nov 10, 2007
Messages
694
MBTI Type
INFJ
Contrary to what an INFJ description says, I am never really too confidant. I tend to second-guess myself. I rarely can even fight with the opposing party because I do essentially second-guess myself and I sort of convince myself that I was the one at fault, somehow. I find a way to beat myself up on all of my shortcomings.
 

quietgirl

New member
Joined
Sep 29, 2007
Messages
401
MBTI Type
INFJ
Contrary to what an INFJ description says, I am never really too confidant. I tend to second-guess myself. I rarely can even fight with the opposing party because I do essentially second-guess myself and I sort of convince myself that I was the one at fault, somehow. I find a way to beat myself up on all of my shortcomings.

I do this too, but I'm wondering if the profile you read was written by an actual INFJ. I find that I can naturally give off an impression of confidence to others, but it's deep down inside that I am second guessing myself or blaming myself. I don't tend to show that side of me readily to others. I also think it has something to do with the way we speak. Since INFJs tend to speak directly, we normally seem very sure of ourselves and what we are saying regardless of whether or not we actually feel that way deep down inside.
 

wedekit

New member
Joined
Nov 10, 2007
Messages
694
MBTI Type
INFJ
I do this too, but I'm wondering if the profile you read was written by an actual INFJ. I find that I can naturally give off an impression of confidence to others, but it's deep down inside that I am second guessing myself or blaming myself. I don't tend to show that side of me readily to others. I also think it has something to do with the way we speak. Since INFJs tend to speak directly, we normally seem very sure of ourselves and what we are saying regardless of whether or not we actually feel that way deep down inside.

Ah! Now it makes sense. When things bother me/I doubt myself I definitely don't let other people know, so in that sense I probably do look confidant.
 

Wyst

lurking....
Joined
Jul 6, 2008
Messages
1,662
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
*bump*

Hmm, now that depends on if I'm by myself or in the company of others.

If I'm around others I'll:
a) go stoic. answer questions in as few words as possible. roll my eyes when they're closed. hope whatever the focus of my anger leaves as soon as possible.

b)become resigned that i can make the problem/person go away. become completely silent while they have their say - all the while i'm boiling inside.

c) (and this rarely happens) i'll actually say when i'm thinking/feeling. it's not necessarily going to be an all out harangue on someone but i will go off. i hate arguing/debating especially if i don't care about the subject at all. but after going through a) and b) if i get to c) there will be those rare occasions where i'll let loose. usually followed by apologies later that day.

If I'm by myself I'll:

forget a)

screw b)

go straight to c). minus the apologies.
 

gokartride

New member
Joined
Jul 6, 2008
Messages
100
MBTI Type
INFJ
I get quiet and introspective....generally because I've done something stupid. I usually don't have somebody close at hand to vent to...so rather then frazzle myself I just think and ponder and try to understand.

I have older kids who take everything I say with a huge grain of salt anyway...even when it's really good advise!!! ;) Because of this, when I get angry with them I try to be fair and keep a dialogue going...they'll totally blow me off otherwise since "I am so old and irrelevant." They have their own mind...can't blame them for that.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
14,037
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
496
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Contrary to what an INFJ description says, I am never really too confidant. I tend to second-guess myself. I rarely can even fight with the opposing party because I do essentially second-guess myself and I sort of convince myself that I was the one at fault, somehow. I find a way to beat myself up on all of my shortcomings.
The INFJ description states high confidence? I certainly don't have that, and I second guess myself a great deal and lack certitude of all kinds. That is primarily the reason for the x at the end of my type. That mindset also makes it difficult to experience anger. Anger requires some certitude and a sense of some personal entitlement being violated. If you look at an issue from enough angles (which i thought is the function of Ni), then that personal entitlement tends to erode in the face of opposing assumptions of entitlement.

Sometimes i will start to feel angry, but then i feel it disintegrate. There was one time i got angry enough to leave a situation, go for a drive, and grumble along with a potty mouth to myself, but within about ten minutes that was over. That is about as extreme as it gets. Anxiety is more my Achille's heel.
 

edcoaching

New member
Joined
Jun 30, 2008
Messages
752
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
7
I find myself thinking about what upset me long afterward, first trying to decide if I need to respond or not (I usually don't) and if I do, spend hours figuring out what to email, say or do.

I think a lot of INFJs work on the premise that they can solve everything themselves, so they withdraw to figure it out. When I learned I'm an Enneagram 7 I figured out why I don't usually get so upset but go into this "Do I have to do anything or can I let it ride?" mode. My defense mechanism as an E7 is optimism, which at its worst is "I can just go to the movie/read a book/do whatever because this huge [insert relationship/parenting/work/etc.] problem will work out somehow." Some data shows more INFJs correlate with E4 and E3 where the defense mechanism is to be unique and to be accepted, respectively, which would give different responses when ticked off.

Pat Wyman, author of 3 Keys to Self Understanding where she lays out this theory, is doing a forum on it this month at CPP ICON Success
 
S

Sniffles

Guest
Pretty much what Kyrielle said on the first page. And yes Im constantly second-guessing myself as well. Honestly, I really can't add much more to what others have said(damnit INFJs!!!! j/k ;) )
 

Haphazard

Don't Judge Me!
Joined
Apr 14, 2008
Messages
6,704
MBTI Type
ENFJ
The INFJ description states high confidence?

I think what it usually states is being a confidant -- you know, other people being able to say things to you 'in confidence.'

INTJ = confident, INFJ = confidant.

I think. Either that or Wekedit can't spell.
 

wedekit

New member
Joined
Nov 10, 2007
Messages
694
MBTI Type
INFJ
My vote is that I can't spell. Those kinds of errors are always embarrassing. Sorry for the confusion.

"Their orientation to people, confidence in their insights into the nature of things and people, and fertile imagination often attract them to careers where they can draw out the possibilities in others." -http://www.infj.com/INFJ_TypeDescription.htm

Like I was saying, I have no confidence when it comes to my assessments/arguments ("insights") when I have to use them externally. I seem to look at situations with a 360 degree perspective, and I usually convince myself that it is very possible that I am the person that is wrong in the situation. Then I drop everything I could possibly say because everything seems so up in the air. I guess it could also be a combination of me needing to think things through before I say anything, but it's not easy to do that when someone is pressing your buttons or being aggressive.

Honestly, I have been noticing an ability to get angry developing in me. It seems to fit the idea of my ESTP shadow emerging. Moving from the country to the city to go to college was more of a change than I thought it was going to be. The biggest difference I have encountered is that ere in the city, most people consider you an "enemy" by default until you prove otherwise. In the country it is quite the opposite; everyone starts out as your friend until they prove otherwise. I have to deal with so much attitude from residents my age as an RA! I just have to basically respond to people's snooty remarks and ludicrous demands with my own measure of sarcasm and smart ass comments. I think this job has basically helped me grow some more backbone. You should see the surprise on some people's faces when I suddenly turn from relaxed and "chill" to assertive. Sometimes I end up feeling like a douche, but I'm starting to be able to not take that on a personal level anymore.
 

Thursday

Earth Exalted
Joined
Mar 14, 2008
Messages
3,960
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
8w9
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
i get quiet-like i can't talk
calm like a bomb
snobbish
 

Hang

New member
Joined
Jul 1, 2008
Messages
75
MBTI Type
INFJ
Hurt

Enter solitude

Blame myself

Try to plan revenge

Reject the idea of revenge

Replay what happened

Come to an understandment

Just a short list. I don't always get this way. Although I do agree with Kyrielle
 

tereza

Member
Joined
Jun 26, 2008
Messages
30
MBTI Type
INFJ
Usually when I get angry, I get real quiet and try to withdraw from the person as soon as possible. Mostly it's to keep myself from saying something I'll regret. Though...

One time I got so pissed off at a manager that was taking advantage of my passiveness. I did my shut up and retreat routine, which she had never seen me do before. It ended up freaking her out and she started spreading ridiculous rumors that I was planning to physically hurt her. :shock:

That made me even angrier, so angry that I went and confronted her. I really expected to become emotionally explosive, but I was the opposite. Calm, cold and oddly witty. Sort of like Hugh Laurie on House. It was freaking awesome.
 

Synapse

New member
Joined
Dec 29, 2007
Messages
3,359
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4
I find that I can naturally give off an impression of confidence to others, but it's deep down inside that I am second guessing myself or blaming myself.

I do that too, I have this uncanny ability to sound confident when I'm not. And this has caused me problems when I'm struggling and still present a confidence about me people think everything is okay which it isn't. I can relate to what is talked about so easily. The cold and silent routine is introversion but then I'm infp, I've looked into it to death to know that I can't be infj. Still I do get angry in similar ways, its just passive aggressive. I'd like to know what the difference is between infj and infp anger and upset.
 

MrRandom

New member
Joined
Jul 19, 2008
Messages
151
MBTI Type
INFJ
I think most INFJ descriptions say we are "afraid of conflict". I'm not. I tend to confront anything that upsets me. I need the closure, which can be bad or good, as long as there is one. I can argue with people and even tell them to f*** off, if need be (almost never). For a calm and nice guy I can be surprisingly fiery. It might well seem confidence to others, which is quite far from the truth.

On the other hand, I'm a typical INFJ in that my solution to many problems is to avoid them. That sounds like a contradiction to what I just said, but oh well... we INFJs are quite complex beings... with intricate value systems.
 

picquic

New member
Joined
Sep 10, 2008
Messages
3
MBTI Type
INFJ
Do you not find that conflict with loved ones is extremely difficult - conflict with others less so?
 

iwakar

crush the fences
Joined
May 2, 2007
Messages
4,877
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Depends on the situation. But generally:

First stage: cold, quiet, locked down. I'm trying not to say anything I'd regret. My eyes are probably bugging out because I really, really want to fly off the handle and verbally assault you, but I know I shouldn't because it'd cause a huge messy ordeal.

Second stage (sometimes this just bypasses the first): Solar flare-esque emotional outburst. I say something that doesn't quite make sense, or it does make sense but there is more emotional charge to my words that I intend to use. I do this sometimes when someone is being completely ridiculous and I react more strongly to emotions that I didn't even consciously realise I was feeling. Or, I could be frustrated and might be saying things that aren't very kind to unsuspecting people.

Third stage: Blow up of the nuclear missile sort. By this point I have passed the threshold of all rational thought and have descended headlong into a rampage of anger/frustration. At some point, even the rampage isn't enough to express everything that's been bottled up and I start to cry at the same time I'm mindlessly shouting at someone.

Fourth stage: Cool-down/personal flogging. This happens whenever I get upset. Sometimes I don't even go through a blow-up for this to happen. All I have to do is be the slightest bit rude to someone and I'll start flogging myself for being a monster. Usually a lot of crying and hiding somewhere where no one will find me for a while and feeling sorry for myself. Whoever might have upset me in the first place is immediately made innocent and everything is my fault.


Keep in mind that I really don't blow-up very often but I do do all the other things from time to time. Especially when I'm feeling generally down for reasons I don't understand. People rarely ever see the pathetic/outraged stuff, though.

Well thought out. Mine is very, very similar if not exactly the same. I might describe it a little different depending on the situation. Assuming it's someone I know well that has pissed me off? And we're in inescapable proximity to one another? Hrm...

INFJ anger seems to be something that could be visualized in an artistic sequence.

Image 1: Two neutral grey orbs face off.
Image 2: INFJ orb sprouts an icy blue orb within itself.
Image 3: As it grows, the heart of the icy blue orb sprouts a red core.
Image 4: The red core grows rapidly, outgrowing the blue orb and consuming it.
Image 5: The red core becomes a red behemoth enveloping the neutral orb once larger than both and turns supernova.
Image 6: The red sun begins to shrink and implode almost as quickly as it exploded.
Image 7: Two neutral grey orbs face away to recover.

Ta-da! Too bad I can't paint. :(

*sighs* *grumbles* *berates self* *ambles away*
 
Top