[INFJ] INFJs - anger and upset?

[Arclight]

Something like this:

I try to avoid conflict at first and process things & distance myself a bit to get a clearer picture, but eventually when things pile up and conflict is inevitable, it can be quite explosive from me. I rarely get mad like that, but when I do, I have to try control myself better.

This.. ^^^^

Also..Any hurt left unattended and/or unacknowledged eventually turns to anger.
As an idealist , there is a steady attempt to try and see past things and to keep hoping.
The hope leads to a sense of security until something trips or rubs the sore spot again.
Then there is a crash, ideal, hope, trip, crash, ideal, hope, trip, crash.. etc etc.
Doorslam.

Who am I angry with at this point?

 

[mochajava]

there is a crash, ideal, hope, trip, crash, ideal, hope, trip, crash.. etc etc.
Doorslam.

So on. I like the way you've described this cycle.

 

[SilkRoad]

This.. ^^^^

Also..Any hurt left unattended and/or unacknowledged eventually turns to anger.
As an idealist , there is a steady attempt to try and see past things and to keep hoping.
The hope leads to a sense of security until something trips or rubs the sore spot again.
Then there is a crash, ideal, hope, trip, crash, ideal, hope, trip, crash.. etc etc.
Doorslam.

Who am I angry with at this point?

I also agree that this is quite a spot on description of the cycle!

The problem is, most people have no idea about the raging maelstrom of emotions that lies beneath the calm INFJ surface. I've certainly figured that out over the years - I have horrified people who've been on the eventual receiving end of my rage, or people who haven't been on the receiving end of rage but have glimpsed how deeply hurt I've been by something someone else has done.

A few months ago I dumped some frustrations on a friend who had behaved inconsiderately in various ways. When I say dumped, I mean we had a pretty tense convo just before she got on a plane, and I said "you did this...you did that...you don't understand." I wasn't shouting, though I did raise my voice. But she was like "why didn't you tell me you were feeling like this before? It's like a volcano!" Haha - honestly, there have been a few times in my life when I have been A LOT more like a volcano. Ie. screaming and slamming doors. Or sending absolutely evil text messages or emails. But even the fact that she said that in that situation gave me a glimpse of what it must be like for people to see a pretty calm and smiling exterior for a long time, and then - from their perspective anyway - the beast is suddenly unleashed. While from our perspective, it's been more like the beast slowly slowly waking up (without our really being aware of it), getting increasingly irritated and eventually bounding out of the cave...

 

[Fidelia]

I don't think anyone would feel my wrath (or even annoyance) without what seems like ample warning from me if they're paying any attention. It's just that most people would be more likely to say those same things even when they don't feel all that upset, so they assume that those comments are not indicative of anything serious. It also really depends what people do next. For example, I will attempt to just deal with my feelings about something if I am not sure and need more time to observe, or if I am too unsettled to productively discuss or if I think it could go either way. However, if the person continues ignoring that I'm consistently flexing way more than them, even after I've made them aware of it, they may hear a whole shebang of smaller details which have been the last straw in a growing haystack. None on their own are explosion worthy, but all together, there is finally a breaking point. If the person on the other hand chose to make some adjustments, those previous straws would not really matter to me because the irritations would no longer hold significance for me. It would be obvious that the other person was also trying to meet me half way and I would very quickly feel better about the whole thing.

 

[SilkRoad]

I think it partly goes back to that whole thing about expressing your needs more clearly at earlier stages. Well, for me that's certainly part of it. I may think I am expressing a bit of annoyance or irritation or a wish for something to change, to someone who's pushing me a bit, but to them it just seems to come across as me being hyper-flexible and accommodating. So when I can no longer accommodate, it all comes rushing out, and as you say, there will probably be a bunch of extra details which to the other person might even seem like tangential issues.

I am getting a bit better at this, but it's a bit of a struggle with knowing when and how to express myself appropriately... Sometimes when I express myself at an earlier stage (ie. when it's not going to be a tidal wave of emotion and rage) I still end up feeling like I've been too harsh...or anyway the rational side of me comes out and I can end up sounding quite cold...

 

[Arclight]

Now I wonder if this is just me or if other people here can relate.

Is there a tendency to fire back with more rage than it appears the situation calls for because you are not only feeling the frustrations of the present situation, but also a little bit of every time you have been stung by something similar?


For me, it compounds and then it consumes me. When I am consumed, I am relentless.

 

[SilkRoad]

Now I wonder if this is just me or if other people here can relate.

Is there a tendency to fire back with more rage than it appears the situation calls for because you are not only feeling the frustrations of the present situation, but also a little bit of every time you have been stung by something similar?


For me, it compounds and then it consumes me. When I am consumed, I am relentless.

I think there have definitely been times when I've reacted with more anger, frustration etc than the specific situation requires, but the cumulative effect is mainly to do with whatever that person has done to anger and frustrate me in the past (even if those things weren't extremely significant on their own). So, the reaction I eventually show has not only to do with what they've just done to me, but with a whole bunch of other things they did in the past. This can get a very bad reaction from people because it can seem like you're dredging up the past, holding things against them without telling them, etc. In reality it's more that you tried to let a bunch of stuff go, but ongoing inconsiderate or disrespectful behaviour made it very difficult for you to do so completely, and then it just all builds up and rushes out.

However, I don't think my anger would have so much to do with how others may have wronged me in similar situations. Although, there might be a bit of that in the background that I'm not really aware of. But mainly it would have to do with that specific person and situation - bearing in mind that universally there are certain things that particularly push my buttons.

 

[Arclight]

bearing in mind that universally there are certain things that particularly push my buttons.

This is something else as well, and actually seems more accurate to what I am trying to express. I just think several of my buttons are particularly sensitive these days. My level of tolerance is very low for certain things.

 

[SilkRoad]

This is something else as well, and actually seems more accurate to what I am trying to express. I just think several of my buttons are particularly sensitive these days. My level of tolerance is very low for certain things.

Yeah, I think I get you. There may for example be a situation where I feel that someone has taken advantage of my good nature (something that happens to me rather a lot, I think...). When I finally get mad about it (either to them, or venting to a friend) I will find myself going "He took advantage of my good nature. I AM SO SICK OF PEOPLE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY GOOD NATURE. Let me tell you about when it happened in 1999. And 2004. And 2008. And..." And that's all with different people.

Ni making unwanted connections, perhaps? Well, if it helps to see patterns emerging in life which you want to nip in the bud, it could be good. But it can be very frustrating and it's probably frustrating for whoever has to listen to me, too...

 

[Crescent Fresh]

Do you not find that conflict with loved ones is extremely difficult - conflict with others less so?

This is SO true, at least from my past experiences.

 

[EcK]

Depends on the situation. But generally:

First stage: cold, quiet, locked down. I'm trying not to say anything I'd regret. My eyes are probably bugging out because I really, really want to fly off the handle and verbally assault you, but I know I shouldn't because it'd cause a huge messy ordeal.

Second stage (sometimes this just bypasses the first): Solar flare-esque emotional outburst. I say something that doesn't quite make sense, or it does make sense but there is more emotional charge to my words that I intend to use. I do this sometimes when someone is being completely ridiculous and I react more strongly to emotions that I didn't even consciously realise I was feeling. Or, I could be frustrated and might be saying things that aren't very kind to unsuspecting people.

Third stage: Blow up of the nuclear missile sort. By this point I have passed the threshold of all rational thought and have descended headlong into a rampage of anger/frustration. At some point, even the rampage isn't enough to express everything that's been bottled up and I start to cry at the same time I'm mindlessly shouting at someone.

Fourth stage: Cool-down/personal flogging. This happens whenever I get upset. Sometimes I don't even go through a blow-up for this to happen. All I have to do is be the slightest bit rude to someone and I'll start flogging myself for being a monster. Usually a lot of crying and hiding somewhere where no one will find me for a while and feeling sorry for myself. Whoever might have upset me in the first place is immediately made innocent and everything is my fault.


Keep in mind that I really don't blow-up very often but I do do all the other things from time to time. Especially when I'm feeling generally down for reasons I don't understand. People rarely ever see the pathetic/outraged stuff, though.

Stage 5: ww2 germany

 

[Froody Blue Gem]

I tend to bottle up my anger inside and perseverate on it. I have trouble confronting other people but have been guilty of holding grudges. If it's something small, I can let it go but if not, I have trouble. I usually get cold and avoidant, possibly passive aggressive towards people I get angry at. There have been rare occasions when I've snapped and yelled at people. People are shocked when I am pushed this far because it contradicts the way I usually am.

 

[neko 4]

It depends who I'm angry with. If I feel comfortable, I can show how angry I am. Or, if what the person did was really out of line. The small things, I try to let go of, especially if I'm in an uncomfortable situation.

 

[Novella]

Infp here. White hot anger. Learning to walk away or suspending a response to process the emotions and analyse my initial feelings when triggered. Internal assessment is conducted on whether I am being overly emotional or reasonable. Closest friends and family members know to give me space. Being triggered in person presents more of a challenge in terms of walking away before responding with fire. Am exercising much better impulse control in my older years. Am guilty of the cold door slam once I've decided enough chances have been given but have only executed this twice in my life with previous friends.

 

[Fidelia]

I don't think anyone would feel my wrath (or even annoyance) without what seems like ample warning from me if they're paying any attention. It's just that most people would be more likely to say those same things even when they don't feel all that upset, so they assume that those comments are not indicative of anything serious. It also really depends what people do next. For example, I will attempt to just deal with my feelings about something if I am not sure and need more time to observe, or if I am too unsettled to productively discuss or if I think it could go either way. However, if the person continues ignoring that I'm consistently flexing way more than them, even after I've made them aware of it, they may hear a whole shebang of smaller details which have been the last straw in a growing haystack. None on their own are explosion worthy, but all together, there is finally a breaking point. If the person on the other hand chose to make some adjustments, those previous straws would not really matter to me because the irritations would no longer hold significance for me. It would be obvious that the other person was also trying to meet me half way and I would very quickly feel better about the whole thing.

It's interesting to read old posts. I'm much more likely to be up front row about how I feel instead of analyzing whether those feelings have a right to live or not. At the same time, I think I'm more able to accept that the existence or my or others feelings are more indicators that something requires attention, rather than a assignment of blame or assuming culpability, whoever the recipient of negative feelings is. I'm learning that I'm not really responsible for other people's feelings, nor are they for mine, which takes some of the fear away of getting all the information in the open to work with before it festers and turns into a bigger deal. I think since there's less backlog of unresolved emotion, it's also easier now to gauge what I actually feel in the moment and express it in a more matter of fact, solution oriented way.

 

[Non_xsense]

It's interesting to read old posts. I'm much more likely to be up front row about how I feel instead of analyzing whether those feelings have a right to live or not. At the same time, I think I'm more able to accept that the existence or my or others feelings are more indicators that something requires attention, rather than a assignment of blame or assuming culpability, whoever the recipient of negative feelings is. I'm learning that I'm not really responsible for other people's feelings, nor are they for mine, which takes some of the fear away of getting all the information in the open to work with before it festers and turns into a bigger deal. I think since there's less backlog of unresolved emotion, it's also easier now to gauge what I actually feel in the moment and express it in a more matter of fact, solution oriented way.

That is fascinating , as an stupid intp ... my starting point is your conclusion ( solving the emotional problem rather than thinking it ) but the more complex it get is alot harder to reach that . i guess this is when i get in those loops Ti-Fe without solution .

But my core is still telling me : What is the solution for that .... Forgiving is something almost impossible to me even if destroy my soul but i still think as intp ... my emotional pain is just a fraction which other types actually feel , the logical solution is just bullshit but the emotional solution can bring alot of hope .

actually i would like to know systems for impossible emotionals problems xDD , is that much to ask?